He made the most of a dramatic pause up in front of his class. “Well, I had some broken bones,” he said, pulling his shirt collar aside to indicate his collarbone. “Grace put a, a…” He turned to her. “Whad’ya call it?”
“Sling.”
“Sling on me, first time I met her. And she told me I couldn’t roller blade. But that’s okay. I got better quick. Then I busted my knee…” He rattled off his many grievous wounds. Grace hid a smile when she saw the teacher mouthing something alongside his recital.
Tony never once said anything about almost bleeding to death, for which Grace was grateful.
She joined some of the children for lunch and recess, talking to a couple of sincere little girls who wanted to become doctors. Not nurses. Grace wasn’t sure whether she grew or dropped in their esteem when she explained she was something in between a doctor and a nurse.
But a measure of confidence returned with that small success.
Randy and Kaye stopped over at Grace’s house one afternoon before Eddy came in from school. She had not cleaned for weeks and was glad she had at least the living room picked up when she answered the door.
Grace met them with a self-conscious smile, knowing that everyone around her had been given good cause to worry. Yes, stressed-out made sense. Figuring out the nightmares were a result of not dealing with Jonathan’s illness, or even Sean’s death was a major revelation. Harold had been a better sounding board than she deserved. She’d treasure forever their long talks and walks around the little farm, a kitten cradled in her hand and the promise of carrot cake and strong coffee afterward. She felt as though she had gone through a terrible dark, cold place but could now feel the warmth at the end.
“It must be something like Alzheimer’s patients go through—missing whole chunks of their lives,” she told them when they asked how she was. “I guess I know I had some bad spells, there.” She reached to return Kaye’s embrace. “Thank you—you and Tanya—for helping out more than usual with Eddy.” She sat back. “I suppose you want to know what my plans are, after…after your wedding.”
Randy and Kaye exchanged looks.
“This is your home, Grace,” Randy said. “We care about you. But I guess we can’t pretend there aren’t going to be a lot of changes for all of us this winter.” The deep sadness of his whole being reminded Grace and Kaye of the loss he could not prevent.
Kaye smiled at Grace. “I want you to be one of our witnesses.” She glanced at Randy. “The wedding isn’t very big or formal, you know, and I didn’t want bridesmaids.” She paused. “It’s hard, making choices, you know. Tanya and Jimmy will stand with us, as will my brother, of course. But Tanya is a minor and we need adults to sign the license and such. We want it to be you and Ted.”
Grace stared at their twined hands, held white-knuckled tight. Who would hold hers? Greg? Matty? She should have loved Greg, not Ted. How do you turn it off and on, forget one man and then another and another? Decide who is best, who might be healthy enough to stay for the long haul or who will be taken away? Stop!
“I’m so touched, Kaye. And deeply honored,” she said. “I would be so happy. Thank you.”
“I don’t have any particular clothing requests, so please yourself,” Kaye told her, getting into the juicy part of the wedding plans. “We’re having a small reception afterward.”
Randy excused himself as the bus drew up. “I’ll go say hello to Eddy. Gotta check on Ted.”
Eddy leaped into the room, his backpack making him look like a little gnome. Grace pulled it off and helped him peel out of his coat. He gave Kaye a big hug. “What’re you doing here?”
“I needed to talk to Grace about the wedding.”
“Yuck! Girl stuff!”
“Well, I was hoping you would help me pick out the wedding cake,” she said and turned her mouth down and looked at him with puppy eyes that twinkled.
“Awesome!”
They would be all right. Maybe Kaye would have a child of her own, if she and Randy wanted that. They made a sweet little family. Grace brought them a piece of coffee cake fresh from the oven and her usual cup of tea to share.
Ted’s team of doctors recommended the insertion of a pump to deliver a steady flow of medication they hoped would alleviate some of his constant pain. While he was at the hospital, Eddy moved in to stay with Grace. It was easier all around, rather than dividing his time and interrupting the school schedule.
Having someone else to care for helped Grace battle back to face life…and death. She saved up as many precious moments of sleeping, eating, and caring for Eddy as she could for the rough times to come.
Shelby’s visits made life seem more neighborly, more normal.
“I can’t stop thinking about Ted,” Shelby told her during one of them. “Even listening to his voice this morning on the phone. I can’t imagine that he’s not going to be around. Anyone else I’ve known who died, well, it was expected. I know we’ve had time to prepare and all, but it never will seem like enough. He’s been such a good friend, always. No one else from our class has died, except Frank Reynolds in that farm accident eight years ago. We’ve been through a lot together. I just can’t imagine…I can’t believe that…he’ll really be gone.”
She laid her head on Grace’s shoulder. “How can that be fair? Why would God let that happen? What can we do to make God change his mind?”
Clarity returned in a rush. Without a doubt, she did have the courage to see this crisis through. Make God change his mind? Who knew what God had in mind in the first place?
“I’m not giving up yet,” she told her friend. “I don’t know what the final outcome in all of this is supposed to be, but it’s not over yet. I can feel it.”
While she patted Shelby’s shoulder and stroked her friend’s soft hair, she imagined taking her faith out, shaking it hard. She mentally wrapped it around herself, knowing that it would uphold her no matter how deep the water in which she landed. She was the one who left the path by giving up. “When we’re at our weakest, that’s when miracles happen.”
“I know.” Shelby sniffed. “It’s hard. It seems so late for him to stop what’s happening. I can’t bear to think of going on without him. What about Eddy?”
“We all have each other. When we need a hand, or a pat on the back, right? That’s important. I knew I had friends like that in Woodside, too, but I was so afraid that people expected more from me than I had to give. God isn’t like that. He never asks more than we’re capable of giving, and he gives us what we need, when we need it.”
“So you don’t think he’ll change his mind? Save Ted?”
“Honey, Ted is going to be just fine. No matter what.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Trigger the cat refused to move to Randy’s house. Since Randy was less than enthusiastic about having the cat at his place, Eddy had another reason to spend more time at Grace’s. He did his homework and played after school. As long as she was on leave from work, there wasn’t any need to discuss schedules.
Ted’s pain was under control as much as could be expected. He described it to Grace as a burning sensation all along his spine. His hands were often numb, as were his feet, when it didn’t feel like needles were probing him.
When he could muster up the strength, he made the walk across the yard. Like he did tonight, after spending the afternoon with his doctor. Grace finished washing up and settled Eddy at the kitchen table to practice his writing. She then joined Ted in the living room.
She followed his lead about discussing his brother’s upcoming wedding.
“I hope I’m not putting a damper on the celebration. Really bad timing, I guess.”
“I’m sure you’re not, Ted. Kaye said she didn’t want a huge, expensive party.”
Ted sighed. “At least Eddy will have some positive female influence in his life. You know, with Kaye. Tanya will be a sort of big sister.”
Grace turned up her lips when he touched her cheek. “And you.”
Nothing she could say would help his peace of mind. She must not upset him now. “I had another letter from Lena today. The one intern they hoped would come to Woodside found a different position, so they’re still short of help.”
Ted’s eyes narrowed. “They’ll find someone.”
“Yes.”
A knock on the door startled her. She wretched her attention from Ted and went to answer it.
“Kaye! Come in.”
Kaye pushed her fur-lined hood back and smiled. “I wondered if Eddy was staying over? If not, maybe I can take him home, put him to bed?”
Grace looked at the clock. Eight-fifteen. She made a face at Ted. “Past bedtime. Forgive us.” In the kitchen, Eddy sat on a chair with one of her cookbooks. He snapped it shut when she approached. “Find anything new?”
He grinned. “Maybe. Hi, Kaye. I suppose it’s time, isn’t it? The big hand is passing that eight right by.”
Grace laughed at her expression. “Sometimes I think he’s really here to take care of me.”
“I love you, Dad,” Eddy told his father. He took Kaye’s hand and waved good bye.
“I’ll be along in a little while,” Ted told her. After they left, he explained, “Randy’s always got the news or something on. I can’t concentrate.”
Grace sat next to him after closing the door. She handed him a section of the newspaper. “Here’s your big chance to catch up on the world, then.”
After rattling a few pages, he shifted restlessly again.
“Still uncomfortable? Can I get you anything?” she asked. His face was gray. His tremors must have made reading the newspaper difficult. Grace could no longer pretend Ted was not a whisper away from meeting God face to face. She wondered if he knew.
Ted coughed and jiggled his foot, grimacing. “Tell me about growing up in Tennessee. What was it like in Woodside?”
Now it comes. Forgive me. But he already knows.
“Besides college, I never lived anywhere else. Until now.”
Ted’s eyes closed. She helped him shift until he was lying down with his head on her lap. She forced herself to study his long eyelashes, bright in the lamplight, against his ashen cheeks. His breathing was somewhat labored and after a moment Grace hurt, too, with the struggle of forcing herself to breathe out of sync with him.
“The hard part of living outside of Tennessee is adjusting to different customs. In Woodside there is an unwritten courtesy not to touch non-family members.” She watched him for his reaction. He did not open his eyes, as if he didn’t want to know this.
Finally, he acknowledged without opening his eyes, “We’ve hugged plenty. It’s more than that, though, isn’t it?” Now his expression was not gentle as he sat up again to look at her.
She lowered her gaze and plucked at the hem of her blouse with a shaky finger. Her earring fell across her cheek and the tear she couldn’t stop flowed against it.
“Grace—Grace, please—look at me. Please, tell me about—why. Tell me about the touch. You tried it that day, didn’t you? Right before you took a leave of absence? You’ve tried to show me before, haven’t you? That you can help people—like with Jimmy? What exactly went on there, anyway?”
Grace got up, brushing at her face with an angry gesture and went to stand at the big window to look out onto the porch and yard, able only to make out the dark shapes of bushes and trees in the cold, late autumn dark.
“Tell me what the doctor said today.”
Ted shook his head, annoyed at her change of subject. He had come home that afternoon from another session at the hospital, exhausted and defeated. He was glad Kaye had taken Eddy home. Back. Whatever.
“Doctor Beardslee took the case to his teaching hospital in Philadelphia,” he said, trying to make it sound like a faceless, nameless report. He felt encouraged when she nodded. Why didn’t she turn around? What was she looking for, out there? It was dark.
“You know how we knew the therapy was only working a little up to this point, despite the fact that I was better over summer. The pain proves it.”
He wanted to get up, or ask her to come back and sit close to him. He shivered. “Beardslee and the others initially thought what I had was some kind of virus. And the stem cell thing they tried, well, now I find out it was only for experimentation. It didn’t help my condition or cure me, or anything. He confirmed today that he can’t stop the nerve damage. Soon I’ll become completely immobile. They want to do some, ah, some research—to help others with my symptoms.”
Beardslee had been blunt. Ted’s expected life span with the condition was up, but if Ted wanted, it could help others if he would allow them to perform experimental surgery.
“One of the students had been involved with a case sort of like mine,” Ted said reluctantly. “My condition may or may not be a result of an injury”— he reached up to his temple and the scar there— “like this. Sometimes lesions form along the spine, maybe in response…or not… I didn’t catch all of it. The gist is, once these things start forming on my nerves, my, ah, ‘functions’ are cut off and death follows pretty quick.”
He watched Grace take hold of her elbows and hunch.
“He was sorry, there was nothing they could do. There were so few cases, blah, blah.” Ted was cold with fear and slightly ashamed. He knew Grace would understand the medical jargon, the outcomes. Would she want him to do whatever he could to help others like him?
The hesitation on his part—would she understand that? How could he not want to participate in research that might help others? But he did not want to be totally crippled and helpless for the rest of his short life. The drugs and surgery might cause him to lose complete mobility and control of his bodily functions. He would rather be dead.
He looked up at her then, not wanting to admit his fear to her but at the same time wanting nothing more than to crawl into her arms and shake and shake and have her tell him it would be okay. She faced him and held him with her eyes. He reached out. She came closer and took his hand.
He held on with both hands, now, trying not to cry.
How could she tell him that his suffering was probably because of her? She left Woodside, unforgiven and unforgiving. Angry, sad, militant, because God had not done what she wanted him to do.
But, now that she had a chance to go back and do it over, why did he stop her? God, I thought you brought me here to fix him!
Jonathan and Sean were faded, fond memories. Eddy seemed the only one oblivious to her peculiar gift, even the times that he needed it. She could bandage a scrape without becoming all tingly and gaga over the unnaturally quick restorative powers her fingers promoted. Eddy anchored her body and soul and did not take anything from her that she wasn’t willing to give.
Grace thought about her grandmother. A healer, too, Grandmother Eames had been called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice. Was she willing to pay the same price? There was always some exchange for the gift.
“Empathy,” Jonathan called it. She had the touch of an empath. He studied the concept at college, though he had to go into mysticism to find anything about it. He had been fascinated by her gift, almost obsessed by watching her at work. When cancer crept into his bones, she couldn’t reach down deep enough to find it and draw it out. Jonathan had never asked her to work the miracle for him, she remembered from her dream state. Had Jonathan wanted to die?
He had taken the death of Sean with a bizarre calm that obviously masked his inner grief. Maybe she had been afraid to try to heal her husband. Maybe she had been so guilt-ridden that her own parents had ultimately been the instrument of his loss. Naturally, their marriage foundered afterward. Jonathan had withdrawn into a solitary shell until he was able to lose himself in his illness.
Maybe she had been a coward. Forgive me, forgive me.
Now what did God want of her, if she couldn’t use the gift on this man? How could she be forgiven if not through healing Ted? God blocked the way, like the angels with flaming swords that guarded Eden.
&nbs
p; She put her hands over her face and talked through them, so she wouldn’t have to look directly at him. “Ted, please—I need to think for awhile. I’m not putting you or your news off or anything, but I…I don’t feel very well right now. Can we talk more tomorrow?”
If tomorrow comes—if tomorrow isn’t too soon—if tomorrow she could still be coherent.
She only half-heard Ted’s slow, defeated struggle to his feet to reach the door.
Like Jacob, she would wrestle with this angel through the night, determined not to give up until she found the answer. She only hoped the blessing would be there, too.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Redemption came in the palest hour; the hush just before the sun rises. The orb glimmered angry and red this morning. She watched from the veranda with her steaming tea. Her soul was so cold. Her tears were frozen solid inside and could not escape.
Healing the body could never be enough. The firm touch of a clinician would never be the same as taking their suffering into your soul, cleaning it and restoring that piece of spirit to make the hurting ones whole once more. She could not escape her calling.
Grace thought of stories in her Bible. Jonah ran from God and was swallowed by the whale so he could be sent back to complete his task. Mary, the mother of God, had been asked to do the strangest thing, which resulted in people forever questioning her veracity, her sanity.
She was somewhere in between. A task unfinished, the state of soul in question.
I am not my own. And that’s where the struggle ends.
Everyone is given unique talents, she had once told Ted. Understanding how to use them is the challenge. “When the time is right,” Lena said. “You’ll know.”
The time was right. She called Shelby as soon as it was decent.
“I would like it if you could take Eddy for about a week. Ted has some special therapy and decisions to make, and I need to be with him.”
“Of course. Just get him ready and have Ted write a note to Mrs. Webb that I’ll pick him up after school.”
Healing Grace Page 25