She flinched, looked at his hand and then him. Her expression was hurt, a little frightened. Ayan started to pull herself out of the seat, pushing against the console. The chair retracted from the console and she was out of the seat and walking down the hall in one quick motion. A doorway just a few meters down slid open and she walked inside.
Jacob looked down the hallway after her for a long moment.
"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of things while we're in wormhole transit, Captain Valance," Lewis said quietly. "Alice entrusted me for hundreds of cumulative hours."
Jake pressed the release for his seat under the console, ensured the controls were locked, and followed. "Thanks Lewis."
When he entered the room Ayan had just finished taking the enhanced armoured layer off, leaving her in the more pliable vacsuit underneath on. She had left it white, and with her hood up he was reminded of the Ayan he'd watched pass away before his eyes.
The Ayan before him, brilliant, active and alive held back tears. She drew her hood back and shook her hair loose as she looked out the side of the dome covering the prime living area in the ship. They had left it untouched, it was the Captain's quarters, Alice's personal space. He'd never seen it before, never taken the time to take a look.
There was a broad circular seat in the centre, a large bed against one side, soft, dark panelling all around the room, a transparent ceiling that extended down low enough for someone to watch the stars. That's where Ayan focused her attention.
She stood with crossed arms, looking through the transparent metal at the warped view of space outside.
Jake didn't know what to do. The door closed behind him. The quiet of the Captain's quarters pressed on him like a weight. His armour felt heavy, inappropriate. He didn't know what to do, where to start, what to say.
Her shoulders shook, it was a shudder. He could hear her quietly crying.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"It's not about you," she replied quietly, wiping tears away.
"You came here for me, everything that's happened is on my head. If anyone can say it, I can."
"Fine, then you're sorry. It's all sorted."
Jacob was stumped once more. He had never been at such a complete and utter loss for words in all his life. He opened his mouth to say something, he didn't know what, and was left gaping like a fish for several moments before closing it again. She was frustrating, the whole situation was maddening, but he couldn't exactly express that either, it just built up like a fitful ball in his brain pan.
"Shouldn't you check on things?" She asked quietly.
"Stephanie's settling everyone in the cargo hold and crew quarters. There's nothing more to do."
"Oh."
He stood in silence for another protracted moment until he finally couldn't stand it any longer. There was only one thing on his mind, of all the things that had been going on, no matter how dire, when he saw Ayan there was only one thing in my mind. "I'm sorry about what I said before, that it's you."
"What in blazes were you thinking with that? I mean what in hell did you mean by saying I'm the bloody root of your problems?" She exploded so suddenly he took a step backwards, his back hit the door. It didn't open.
She was a flurry of golden curls, gesticulating hands and flying tears. "You've got a ship full of random people and objects you could have ranted off on but instead you turn on me and come screaming; 'it's you!'"
His resolve sprang back. Jake's frustration at the whole situation came to the fore as he replied; "It is you! You and Jason and Minh and Oz and Laura and the you that came before and died right on my bloody ship! What am I supposed to give back that repays that kind of blind devotion! You cross entire sectors and say; 'here I am!' and I'm in no position to give you the kind of welcome you deserve. I can't pay you, I can't give you a ship, I can't take you home if you decide it's the wrong decision, and I certainly can't keep you safe!" This is unlike me. He thought as he felt the first pangs of loss, the first tear crest his eye. I don't break down. "I can't even keep the daughter I created from harm! I watched her die and all I can keep thinking is that she's just the first. Who's next? Oz? Minh? You?" He was in Alice's home, the cabin she'd spent hours in while she looked for him, escaped from harm, travelled the stars. It was her refuge. "She should be here. If I hadn't put her in command, if she hadn't come after me on Pandem she'd be free to run. She should've never found me, none of you should have come!"
Ayan finally understood what he'd meant as she watched the unbreakable, indomitable Captain Jacob Valance fall apart before her eyes. Even in his dark armour, ready for anything he seemed so much smaller. She hadn't heard that Alice died, but from what he was saying it was plain. He doesn't understand why we're here either. How can someone who doesn't trust anyone beyond what they're paid to do trust anybody? Ayan thought as she closed the distance between them.
His heel twisted against the door and he fell to his knees, sight obscured with tears he tried desperately to fight. She slowly wrapped her arms around him and laid his head against her chest, tucked under her chin. "I'm sorry Alice passed on. I didn't know."
His hands wrapped around her waist.
She stroked his face as chest wracking sobs shook him. She'd heard the story before. Alice had rescued him from a Vindyne laboratory and left him on the Samson. It was just barely functional then, and he had no memory of who he was or that he was the recreation of another man, Jonas Valent. He became a bounty hunter, recruited a crew and began travelling the galaxy in search of the woman who'd left him in the cargo hold of his ship. The woman who had called him Father before leaving him there. It was the only footage he had of Alice. Ayan had never seen it before, but hearing the story she imagined Jacob playing it back when no one was looking. She became as much a part of his life as though she were his own flesh and blood. Losing her was like losing a part of himself, no different from losing a daughter he'd raised.
When he calmed down she bent a little and kissed the top of his head. "You know there's no one else I'd cross the stars for. You don't have to give us anything. You don't even have to understand it. Just trust us. We're here to stay."
# # #
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Spinward Fringe Broadcast 5: Fracture Page 22