by Sloane West
Here we go. She set down her coffee, ready to spar. “Did that giant stick get lodged in your ass again? One of these days, you’ll need an excavation team to get it removed.”
His mouth quirked, but he schooled it into place. He hesitated, glancing out the window and dragging his hand down his short beard.
Jen sobered, worry tingling inside her. “What’s wrong?” she demanded. “Is it Sara? Did you relapse?”
He looked as straight as he ever did, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. She’d been so focused on her own sobriety, she hadn’t considered that he might slip himself. Probably because he appeared so strong and dedicated that the idea of him backsliding was unfathomable.
“No. Nothing like that,” he said, shaking his head and looking torn. “I can’t be your sponsor anymore.”
For a moment, Jen just stared at him. And then she laughed. “What?”
“I mean it,” he said, and his tone indicated that he very much did. “After today, you’ll need to find another.”
Stunned, her heart pounded. “You’re serious.”
He looked down into his own black coffee, his jaw clenching. “Yes.”
A million thoughts raced through her head. What had she done to make him come to this decision? Not only had she thought they made a great sponsor and sponsee team, but she’d thought they were friends. Before her mouth ran away with her, though, she tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. “Are you moving? Are you dying? Are you planning to get abducted by aliens?”
This time, his mouth remained a hard line. “No.”
“Then why?”
He took a deep breath, his knuckles white around the mug. “I just can’t. Not anymore.”
She didn’t know which emotion to pay attention to. Fear for her sobriety, misery that he didn’t want to continue their relationship, or fury that he’d decided to drop the bomb on her birthday. Or maybe the timid, trembling emotion that she hadn’t even realized was there until now. One that took her breath away.
Oh, God.
She was falling for him. She had fallen for him. To drive the point home, all the reasons why began flooding in. Their talks, their arguments, their shared struggles, their common goals. The way her tactless humor never failed to draw a reluctant laugh or grin from him. The way he loved his daughter. The passion in his voice when he spoke of his career. He was everything Jen had never known she’d wanted. Yes, he was a bull-headed pain in her ass, but he was also honest and loyal and decent. And it didn’t help that he was curl-your-toes sexy. Try as she might, Jen couldn’t forget about the night they’d spent together seven years ago. He’d moved on, clearly, and had put it behind him, but every time he looked at her, she remembered. The last thing she wanted or needed was love, but she couldn’t deny that, all this time, part of her had wanted to wake the man she’d met back then. That wild, hungry, sleeping man. She realized now that she’d subconsciously taken on the impossible task of tearing down his walls. She’d never want him to risk his sobriety, but he had a life to live, too. Turns out, she was the wrong person to help him live it.
“Is this about Sara?” she asked, the thought striking a hollow chord in her. “Did you change your mind about me meeting her?”
During the past weeks, he’d talked about his daughter so much that Jen felt like she already knew her. So when he’d invited Jen to one of Sara’s softball games, Jen had been honored. That the world’s most protective dad had deemed her worthy had meant a lot to her. It had also scared the hell out of her. When it came to children—daughters in particular—Jen’s emotions had always been raw. Every time she looked at a young girl, she was reminded of the one she’d lost. The idea that maybe he’d had second thoughts about her meeting Sara cut like a knife.
When he hesitated, Jen’s heart shriveled, and she rose. “It’s good to know where I stand.”
He cursed. “Jen, wait. That’s not—”
“You’re an addict, too. Don’t forget that,” she said, her voice unsteady. “The next time you decide not to bring one around your daughter, you should look in the mirror.” She pulled the envelope of cash from her back pocket and tossed it on the table. “Here’s your money. We’re even.”
Then she walked away.
5
Jen was so shell-shocked that she didn’t know whether to be furious or heartbroken, so she settled on numb.
Behind her, he cursed again. “Jen, wait.”
Ahead, the coffee shop’s door opened, and a group of laughing women walked in, clogging the doorway and momentarily blocking Jen’s escape.
“Dammit,” she whispered, feeling trapped. She didn’t want to hear what he had to say. His silence had been talk enough. She already knew all she needed to know. With her escape thwarted, she instead turned left and hurried to the ladies’ room, ducking inside before he could catch up. He wouldn’t follow her in, and it would at least give her a moment to calm down before she was forced to emerge. Or maybe there would be a window she could climb out. It would be less humiliating than facing him.
Inside, she was overwhelmingly relieved that the three-stall bathroom was empty. Why was she so upset anyway? So she’d developed a crush on her sponsor. They weren’t a couple. They never had been. Their relationship was mutually beneficial. Nothing more. It shouldn’t matter to her that he didn’t want her to meet his daughter. Truth be told, if Jen had a daughter, she might not want recovering addicts meeting her, either. Still, it had been his idea in the first place. Regardless, it was her own fault for thinking of him as something other than her sponsor. Because that’s all he was, and they made more of them every day.
Then why did the thought of losing him make her feel so terrible?
She stared at her wind-blown blonde hair and angry green eyes in the mirror. She looked like an old woman. Like a woman who needed a drink, and that terrified her. She straightened. She was not that person anymore. She was strong, dammit, and she had come too far to turn back now just because Ashley Danvers had hurt her heart. The urge to self-medicate clawed its way up her throat, and she swallowed it down, holding on instead to her quavering determination to survive.
Just then, the ladies’ room door burst open, and she turned, freezing. Ash stood in the doorway, looking like a man about to do something reckless. The sight mesmerized her. For the first time since they’d re-met, his control was gone.
“Dammit, Jen,” he growled. “Would you let me talk?”
For a moment, she was too stunned to speak. Never in a million years had she expected Mr. Uptight to storm into a women’s restroom after her. “What are you doing in here?”
He let the door close behind him and walked over to her as if he wasn’t at all bothered by his surroundings. “Why do you always jump to insane conclusions without letting people explain?”
“No need to explain,” she said, growing angry all over again. “Your eyes did all the talking.”
“Then they must have lied,” he growled. “Because this has nothing to do with me not wanting you to meet Sara.”
A strange mix of hope and frustration fluttered inside Jen. “So they lied,” she said, heading for the exit. “You still don’t want to be my sponsor. That’s all I need to know.”
He grabbed her wrist as she passed, forcing her to halt. “Stop running from me.”
“Why?” she demanded, jerking her arm free. “Isn’t that what you’re doing? Running from me?”
He cursed. “You make everything difficult.” Turning away from her, he raked his fingers through his hair. “I can’t be your sponsor anymore because I’m falling in love with you.”
She opened her mouth to fire a retort but then realized what he’d said. The floor dropped out from under her, and she stared at him. “What?”
With his back still turned, he put his hands on his hips. “You drive me crazy,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re foul-mouthed. Messy. And you fight me at every turn.”
She didn’t know what to say. Was he confessing h
is love for her and insulting her at the same time?
He turned around, and there was a glint in his eye that she recognized. It was a savage glint. The same one she’d seen seven years ago. It made her heart pound. There he is. The wild man was awake, and he was looking at her.
“But you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he said as if it frustrated him. “I love how obnoxious you are and that you insist on leaving a tip even though this place doesn’t have waitstaff. And you make me laugh so damn hard. Nobody can do that. Just you.”
She stared at him, feeling like a quail before a coyote. A coyote that wanted to eat her. And, though it was probably the worst idea in the world, she wanted to be eaten. “I thought . . .”
“You never think,” he said. “You act. Something else I love about you even though it drives me insane.”
“What are you saying?” she asked. Or, better yet, what was she thinking? Falling in love wasn’t part of her plan. In fact, it was the opposite. Her focus should be on staying clean alone. Emphasis on alone. Not diving headfirst into an ill-advised relationship. Yet, as he stood there, unleashed and consumed by her, she wanted nothing more than to throw all her hard-earned caution to the wind and embrace her inner cavewoman.
“I’m saying I want to be inside you,” he said, his gaze dark and penetrating. “Do you understand what that means?”
Oh yeah, she understood. “It means you can’t be my sponsor anymore?”
He kissed her, and suddenly she couldn’t remember why she was so angry at him. His mouth was firm and demanding, and she yielded willingly, grabbing his hard biceps and holding on for dear life.
“I’ve wanted to do that since the first day you sat down across from me,” he breathed.
“Me, too,” she said, realizing just how true it was. She’d been so focused on keeping things strictly business and by the book that she’d buried her attraction to him. But it was out now, and it was screaming loud enough to deafen her.
He growled his approval and reached around her to lock the door.
“You can’t do that,” she said, breathless.
“I just did,” he said, kissing her quiet.
She moaned and then gasped as he pushed her against the wall. It was so wrong, but exhilaration rushed through her like wildfire, and she couldn’t have stopped if she’d wanted to. And, though it was the most exciting moment of her life, it wasn’t the same raging recklessness she’d felt seven years ago. This time, she was in control of herself. She was sober as a judge, and she wanted him. This time, she knew the consequences, and it was somehow even more erotic because of that.
“You’re not running from me this time,” he said, kissing his way down her jaw to her throat, where he nipped hard enough to make her gasp.
She shoved her fingers into his hair, turning her head to give him better access. “I can’t promise I won’t steal your wallet, though.”
He laughed. It sounded feral and dangerous, and he punished her mouth with a kiss that stole her mind. “You’re my drug now,” he said. “Just you.”
She kissed him back, meeting his desperation with her own. “I don’t think there’s a twelve-step program for that.”
“I sure as hell hope not,” he growled and fumbled for the button of her cutoffs.
She reached for his zipper, too, her hands shaking. Letting out a breathless laugh, she asked, “How is it possible that this is happening in a bathroom again?”
“Full circle, baby,” he said, jerking down her shorts.
A thrill shot through her, and she hurriedly stepped out of her cutoffs and started on her panties. He paused to watch her, his eyes on fire. “You’re a hurricane,” he said, shoving his jeans down his thighs.
Her heart skipped a beat, and she collided with him again. “More like a train wreck.”
He kissed her while tearing open a condom and putting it on. Then he picked her up by the thighs, bracing his palm against the wall behind her. “A natural disaster.”
She didn’t have time to reply because he entered her in one deep thrust. They both groaned, their fingertips digging into each other’s skin.
“Oh, God,” she breathed, clamping her thighs around him. How could something be so wrong and yet feel so right?
Ash moved inside her, his breath coming out in harsh gasps. “You make me lose my mind, Jen.”
Though forming words was difficult, she managed, “And here I thought you were a stick in the mud.”
He scolded her by nipping her bottom lip, and she moaned, reveling in the punishment. “Oh, I am,” he said. “Just not around you.”
Realizing that he’d been holding back his desire for her all this time gave her a bigger high than drugs ever had. “I think you mean in me.”
He laughed, and it echoed around the small room. “That mouth.”
She grinned, but it quickly gave way to a moan as he slid his hand under her shirt. “It’ll never work,” she said.
“It will,” he said, and he sounded so confident that, even through the haze of lust, her heart soared. Could he be right? Could two recovering addicts find happiness together? Could she, of all people, discover true love? With someone who understood her darkest desires? Could she really have it all? Sobriety, a fulfilling job, her best friend by her side once again, and a healthy relationship with a good man? For the first time, she felt as though it might be within her reach. Maybe it wouldn’t work out, but maybe it would. Either way, she was drunk on Ashley Danvers, and he was one wagon she didn’t mind falling off.
Epilogue
“Dad won’t let me wear nail polish that color,” Sara said, gazing enviously at Jen’s bright-red fingernails.
“Not until you’re in your forties,” Ash confirmed from the driver’s seat. His hard expression belied the glimmer of amusement in his gaze.
Sara, who sat on the bench seat of Ash’s truck between him and Jen, rolled her eyes.
Jen laughed. “Every teenager ought to be able to wear red nail polish,” she said, winking at the pretty young girl who looked so very much like her father.
“She’s not a teenager yet,” Ash said, slowing to turn left onto a dirt road that was marked Blue Hollow Nature Preserve. He cut a glance at Sara and repeated, “You’re not a teenager yet.”
Jen winked at her and mouthed, “Almost.”
Sara giggled as if they were sharing a no-dads-allowed secret, and Jen’s heart swelled. This was the third time she’d gotten to meet Sara since that unexpected, life-changing, whirlwind day at the coffee shop. The first two times had been inevitably awkward and tentative. Jen had been nervous about making a good impression, and Sara had been understandably skeptical of her dad’s new girlfriend. Something Jen still couldn’t believe she was. Girlfriend and daughter had slowly begun to break the ice, though, and Jen was enamored with the bright, sweet girl. Not only was Sara witty and funny, but she had an infectious lightness about her. And, despite his tough-guy act, there was no hiding that she was Ash’s pride and joy.
Which, of course, made Jen love Ash even more.
And she did love him. It was crazy and too fast and overwhelming, but he’d stolen her heart with every disapproving frown and grudging smile. Beneath his demanding exterior was a hard-working, hard-loving man who inspired her every day to keep holding on. Keep looking forward. Keep fighting. Against all odds, the two of them, who were complete opposites aside from their shared weakness, were happy. Truly, blissfully, stupidly happy. Oh, she still drove him crazy, and he still scowled at her as often as possible, which always resulted in them ending up in each other’s arms. Getting to know Sara had been the cherry on top, and while Jen’s heart would never be fully whole because of the daughter she had lost so long ago, it was finally at peace.
“Where are we going, Dad?” Sara asked, peering through the windshield at the one-lane dirt road.
“Yeah,” Jen seconded. “Where are we going, Dad?”
Ash winked at them. “You’ll see.”
Jen was as curious about their destination as Sara was. When Ash had picked Jen up that morning, he’d only revealed that he had a surprise for her and Sara. After an hour of driving, the suburbs had given way to country roads and pastures, which hinted at a picnic, but she didn’t see any picnic paraphernalia in the truck, and she’d run out of ideas. She couldn’t imagine what he had up his sleeve this far outside the city.
“You’re so dramatic,” Sara told him, but she couldn’t hide the excitement in her voice.
Jen smiled and gazed out the open window, letting her hand trail through the warm summer air as they drove. A few minutes later, they came to a grove of trees that stretched beyond the roadside in neat rows. He pulled the truck to a stop alongside them and turned it off, letting the quiet, peaceful afternoon fill the truck’s cab. Still clueless, Jen eyed the grove and noticed that plaques had been erected in front of several trees. With the sun filtering down through the tidy maze of saplings, casting dancing shadows across the truck’s hood, it was beyond picturesque.
“What is this place?” she murmured.
“This,” he said, his hand resting on the gearshift as he followed her gaze. “Is Blue Hollow’s striped maple reserve.” Then, climbing out of the truck, he held the door open for Sara, who followed his lead.
“Well, that clears things up,” Jen said, getting out.
Coming around the front of the truck, Ash motioned for Sara to jump on his back as if she were a toddler and not a gangly tween. With Sara clinging to him like a giggling spider monkey, Ash winked at Jen and reached for her hand. “Come on.”
Jen arched a brow but followed.
He led them through the rows of trees, ducking dramatically beneath branches to make Sara squeal. “Striped maples are endangered in Ohio,” he said. “Their leaves can grow up to seven inches long.”
Jen looked again at the slender, greenish-silver striped trees. She enjoyed random tree facts as much as the next girl, but what she really wanted to know was what Ash was up to. “Fascinating.”