by Tiana Laveen
“Well, I agree everything has been normal until yesterday. Maybe my hormones are out of whack, Saint.” She blew out air, sounding exasperated as if she, too, had been trying to come to grips with it. “I’m thinking of going to the doctor, actually, before this goes too far. Matter of fact, I just will. I won’t think about it anymore. There is no need for me to pretend like everything is fine and this will just go away. It could be a number of things but I’ll never know unless I am able to eliminate some possible causes. I hate this, you just don’t know!”
He lowered his head and rubbed his raised knee, massaging it, working out nervous tension.
“Xenia, I have another question… I have to ask, because right now I just…never mind. I’ll just say it. Are you sure you still love me? I know we’ve been through some things and—”
“Saint, never ever question me regarding that. You know that I do! Nothing has changed.”
“…But when you kissed me this morning, baby…it was dead. No passion, no flame, no longing, no wanting or desire.”
He didn’t miss her steely silence on the other end, as if a sheet had been abruptly ripped off her form, revealing the naked truth.
“Every time we kiss, Xenia, from the very first kiss we ever shared, it has been electric. Every time we touch, it is an experience. This was the first time when it felt like your lips didn’t recognize mine. It’s only been two days now, honey…but, I’m worried about you.” He gulped, feeling suddenly parched though he wasn’t thirsty for water… “I mean, this is my area of expertise.” He placed his hand across his chest. “This is what I was trained in, and never in a million years would I think that we would be enduring this. I tried to put in the time and effort to avoid such a thing, you know? That’s what I get, I suppose, for taking our love life for granted. I felt like I would know what to do for something like this, to make it better. But, you say you’re going to see a doctor, and you aren’t even telling me why you think this happened, Xenia. That confuses me.” He was pouring his soul out, and in the midst of it, he fought with embarrassment and the painful truth.
“Because Saint, it’s not you… I don’t know what’s going on to even be able to articulate it to you. Look, it could be nothing, okay? Let’s try to think positively. It’s only been a couple of days, for goodness sake.” She forced a laugh. “According to you, we’ve had two incidents that cause you concern and—”
“Four, Xenia…four. I tried to actually give you a kiss when I came in from work. You don’t even remember, I guess. I came to you, and you immediately turned away from me, told me you were beat. Again, I didn’t think much of it. Then, after the children were in their rooms asleep, I approached you for sex, as I often do around that time, and you didn’t budge, respond or acknowledge me. You said absolutely nothing. I tried to dismiss that, too, but at that point, I knew deep down something was wrong. The energy between us had changed. Then, of course, there was the major one that happened later and…when I left the house this morning, there was our argument, and the dead kiss. So…that makes four times in a row you’ve rejected my affections.”
The woman went quiet on the other end, though he could feel her—she was devastated by his revelation.
“Look,” he continued. “Baby, I don’t want you to try to make love to me if you feel…I don’t know,” he shrugged, “like you really don’t want to. I don’t want to take anything from you or for you to feel like I am. I need you to be a wanting, willing and wildly sexual participant and recipient. I can’t have anything less. That’s not what we’re about. I want you to give it to me willingly. As hard as this is for me,” he said, balling the sheets up in his grip, “…and the possibilities of it lasting a while, indefinitely, please know that regardless of my issues and how I’m internalizing this, I will be by your side. We’ve got to try to find a way to make it through this, Xenia. I’m just glad we both know about this very early on. It could have been worse, though not making love to you is a pretty dire situation. Regardless, now that we know, we can deal with it immediately.”
“It does scare me, Saint, that you’ll go and get fulfilled by someone else if I don’t get to the bottom of this!” she finally blurted, her true concerns now at the forefront. “I know you aren’t a cheater, Saint. I know that and I learned the hard way that I have to trust you, no matter sometimes what something may look like—but everyone has a breaking point. You have needs… What if…what if we never get to the bottom of this?” Her voice shook.
He sighed, feeling pitiful and angry all at once. He closed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair.
“…Then Xenia, I’ll still be there with you, by your side. I know you aren’t keeping sex from me intentionally. You’re my wife. I told you I would stick by you no matter what.”
“…But you are very sexually expressive, Saint.” Her voice grew lower, almost as if she thought he meant well, but couldn’t possibly be sincere. “There’s no way you’d last years without making love! There is no way!”
“Xenia.” he rubbed his forehead and grimaced. “Do you know how long I waited to meet you?”
“You told me you’d be looking for your wife, me, for a very long time.”
“Yes, my soulmate, Xenia. That’s what you are so please understand—I had been looking for my soulmate for a long time. I couldn’t understand why I never found her. I’d travelled all over the place, but she was nowhere to be found. Then I figured out what I was doing wrong. I was still having sex with different women, while searching for her. I told you I understood at that point, that had to stop. So for over six months, Xenia, I went cold turkey. I had no intercourse with anyone, at all. I promised myself that the next time I had sex, it would be with my Goddess. I needed to purify myself for you, and to stop using other women as a ‘just for now’ situation when I knew damn well I didn’t want commitment with them. So, imagine that. This came from a person who’d been having sex on a regular basis since age fourteen. By the time I was sixteen, Xenia, I was having sex practically every day. So, you do the math, baby.
“If I can do that once, then I can do it again for the same woman, for a different cause. And don’t you forget that I went without sex with you for months when you left me and I had to cut you off after all of that Payton bullshit! When I told you I wasn’t going to make love to you anymore unless you came back to me, you have no idea how hard that was for me, Xenia! It was like a nightmare within a nightmare! It was all I had of you, and I had to let that go as well, to try and get my woman back. That risk I took could have backfired and it almost did! Please don’t allow your memory to become clouded. Do I love to fuck, have sex and make love? That’s a no brainer, but only with one woman—you! I don’t want anyone else, Xenia!” he screamed, unable to control himself. “I only want you! And as long as you are with me and love me, I’m going to wait this out with you. I’m not going to fuck someone else; you have my word! Do whatever it is you think is best to help yourself resolve this. It is obvious to me that you don’t want a therapy referral, or my opinions.”
“Saint, that’s not it. Like I said, I—”
“No, Xenia, I get it.” He put his hand in the air as if she were right there, sitting before him. “You are probably over there talking to Traci about it anyway, and though that embarrasses me a bit, that she knows, I understand and can respect your need to confide in someone. I know I didn’t do anything, I believe you when you tell me that. I will give you space and let you try to figure this out. But if you are hitting brick walls, then promise me, you’ll come to me, and we can try a Plan B. You may feel it is a conflict of interests, but there are all sorts of things we can attempt to try and address this, okay? Let me help you if your way doesn’t work. Do we have a deal?”
“Yes, we have a deal. Of course I want your help, Saint! Thank you for easing my mind, too. It’s just difficult to look you…in the eye right now.” She broke down crying on the other end, tearing him to pieces. His soul heated with pain.
“Baby
, don’t cry…please. It will be okay.”
He waited a few moments while the woman pulled herself together.
“It’s just…when I look at you, I feel so embarrassed and confused, Saint. If I speak to someone impartial, it may help me, is all. Trust me, I’ve thought about this long and hard, ever since we had that argument about it. I was barely able to concentrate at work today. I’ve been an absolute mess, Saint.”
“I know, honey…”
“And your analogy about the light switch was right on. It was like something inside of me clicked. One minute, I was fine and the next, everything went downhill. That’s what is making me think this is hormonal.”
And she didn’t see Koki, so…maybe it is… He would have had to be up close to her, so I doubt she would have missed him and…he has a certain look about him. Not the kind of guy that really blends in unless he is trying to…
Saint hated to admit it, but he felt completely helpless…
“Yeah, maybe it is. Well, I will be home tomorrow. I’ll let you go so you can get some sleep. Tell the kids I love ’em, and will be back soon.”
“I will…I will.” She sniffed. “I love you, Saint. Goodnight.”
“Sweet dreams, baby. Everything is going to be fine, okay?” He forced a smile.
“Yes, okay.” She blew him a kiss, and then…she disconnected the call.
Saint sat there clutching his phone for several minutes as he stared blankly at the hotel television screen.
After a while, he placed his phone on the nightstand and leisurely turned off the tube.
“Ahhhh….” He yawned as he punched the one pillow he had remaining on the bed, then placed his head in the indentation, settling in for a restless sleep no doubt.
“I have a prayer, Creator…”
I know my life has never been easy. I know how challenges come my way, and this will continue to occur, but I beg of you, please don’t take this gift away from my wife and me. This is a cruel turn of events! I will not only be suffering a great deal within my marriage, but I will be unable to do my job as effectively. How could I possibly teach others about how to maintain and improve their sex lives with their mates if I, myself, am in a sexless marriage with the love of my life? That’s not honest. That’s not truth. That’s not real. I don’t know any other way to be! I couldn’t write any more books, I couldn’t conduct any more seminars or speak at any conferences if this is not resolved! I’d be a farce, a walking lie! I’ll do whatever it takes, whatever you want me to do. If this is your way of trying to get my attention, then you’ve got it! Please help me fix this! I need my wife! I need her love, her affection, her words, her kiss, her body! I need all of her… Please don’t take my Xenia, in any capacity, away from me…
*
Mama was going beyond the call of duty. If Xenia didn’t know any better, she’d think the woman was trying to worm her way into staying. Not only had she been extremely understanding about Xenia being out so late, she even brought all three children to the house, gave them baths, and put them to bed before Xenia even got home. To make matters even more extra cushy, the smell of a pot roast in the kitchen filled the place with the old time familiar, comforting scents of home. The only problem was, Xenia hadn’t eaten red meat for years, but she had to admit, it sent her tummy into a flipping tailspin. Mama promised it was only for her; she wanted some of her own home cooking. The hotel food was getting on her nerves, and she didn’t want any of that ‘foreign curry stuff’, as she called it.
Before she could thank her, the woman slid her a hot cup of tea, kissed her cheek and stated she’d already called herself a cab as soon as Xenia got home. Xenia had tried to tell her she’d drive her back over to the hotel, or better yet, why wouldn’t she just stay the night…but Mama refused, stating once again she enjoyed smoking in peace, cursing as she wished, and laying about in her unmentionables. Besides, she didn’t want to wake the children just so they could ride shotgun, sleepy heads and all. Xenia hated to admit how much she needed her mother at that moment. It was almost as if God had intervened, reached down and placed the woman beside her at the right time, right place. Mama said she was leaving the week before, and the week before that, yet, she was still there. Saint insisted on paying her hotel bill, which of course made it all the more convenient for the woman to extend her stay, but there was no amount of cash in the world that could give Xenia the same peace of mind.
After Mama had left, she snuck into her babies’ rooms and planted a kiss upon their foreheads. They all had smiles on their faces, and barely budged from her touch. No matter what Xenia thought of her mother’s antics from time to time, she had to admit, the woman proved the best grandmother a child could have in the whole damn world.
She slid under the warm cocoa brown sheets; a soft burnt orange paisley design framed the edges of the duvet. As if singing a lullaby to her senses, she caught the scent of Saint’s cologne on the adjoining pillow. It called to her, made her miss him even more. The sensations within her gamboled and twisted in a barbed-wire dance of misunderstandings and confusion as she gripped his pillow in her arms, hugging it as if it were her man. But it wasn’t… No, the pillow was large and a bit squishy. Saint was lean, muscular, strong and firm…but it would have to suffice. Her perplexity grew. Earlier, his scent had made her queasy, so this was a good sign indeed! Maybe she had a twenty-four hour flu virus of some sort. She sat up with renewed faith and popped out the bed like a jackrabbit, high-footing it into the locked red room that had been barely touched since they’d moved to New York. She waited as it read her thumbprint and allowed her entrance. Immediately, she was bathed in crimson light. What scene may have startled most—a room filled with black leather straps, hanging contraptions, a steely cage, a white swing covered in fur and an assortment of sexual delights—made her miss him so much now, it ached. She held herself as if cold, looking to and fro.
Where did he move his movies?
She grabbed the step stool and moved boxes here and there, uncovering them, looking deep inside and sifting through purple anal beads, sex card games, and a litany of assorted handcuffs and restraint wraps.
Damn it, Saint! Where are your pornos? You haven’t put them in your office yet under lock and key. I know you didn’t because you told me so…
She continued to hunt around until finally, a large black box caught her eye, cattycorner on a shelf. She reached for it and opened the lid. Peering inside, she discovered his treasure trove. He was so serious about the type of sexual movies he purchased; made sure at least in his mind, they were the top of the line. Saint looked at porn like one looks at a contact sport. He could never just sit there and watch; he had to interject, press pause, slow down scenes, rewind and explain what the actors were doing right and wrong. Sometimes he’d even get upset, jumping up and down as if his favorite team had really fouled things up. There were so many to chose from…
Busty Black Beauties Vol. 1-15, Big Ass Babes Vol. 1-6, Hardcore Fucks… Her search continued until one title caught her eye—Black Honeys and Asian Stallions, featuring Keni Styles. Xenia had never discussed interracial Asian porn with Saint before. Besides, she smirked to herself, she never was a regular porn watcher and the adult movies they did watch together usually featured white men with black women.
Hmmm, this Keni Styles guy is kinda cute. I guess I’ll give it a try…
She exited the Red Room and made her way back to her bed after popping it into the DVD player. After a few moments, she was undressed, relaxed and waiting to masturbate herself into a nice, peaceful sleep. She had renewed faith that whatever it was that caused her and Saint an issue in the bedroom could be tested now, and it would turn out she was back in the saddle, so to speak. The scene played out. A curvaceous black woman with a honey blond weave down to her ass sashayed into the room and began to suck Keni Styles cock like she was being paid for it. Well…she was, and it showed. Xenia felt herself growing more and more excited, and soon, her eyes drifted closed and she concentra
ted on her husband as she listened to the sounds of the couple in the movie fucking one another. In her mind, she envisioned Saint on top of her, his familiar warm breath close to her ear when they’d make love in the missionary position…
Yes…
Her heart rate accelerated and soon, she found her clit with her exploring fingers. She arched up from the sheets as she made contact…
“Ahhhh…” she sighed, tossing her head against the pillow, her excitement growing. After a few more moments, she was completely revved up and decided to add the final test to the mix. She popped one of Saint’s conferences in their second DVD player and played the two simultaneously, watched the man move about on the screen…and then, a tear rolled down her face. Her libido completely plummeted. The sight of him seemed to kiss her sexual enthusiasm goodbye and sent it on its sorry-ass way.
“I can’t believe this!” she screamed aloud, jumping from the bed and shutting off both films. She turned her back to the screens, suddenly feeling so completely vulnerable and alone. After a while, she made her way back to the bed, and slid under the covers. Once again, she smelled the man’s cologne, but it only caused her to shed more tears as she gripped the pillow to herself so damn tight, she was certain all the stuffing would pour out.
No one will be able to fix this! No doctor will be able to help me! I have sexual desire; it is as high as ever… I know this now. It is just not there for my husband. He’s done nothing to me; our relationship is fine, better than fine! What the hell is going on? Oh my God, what am I going to do?!
*
A couple weeks later…
Hassani had had enough. Because of that, he now sat in the Principal’s office, alongside Angel. Angel had been there so often, he was familiar with every nuance of the place, the protocol so to speak.