“I couldn’t help myself.” He hesitated, and if she hadn’t known him to be the most confident man she’d ever met, she’d have thought him unsure he should utter his next words.
At length, though, he went on, “I find myself drawn to you. You touch me—against my will, I might add—with your self-contained grief. I see the way you swallow when the pain almost gets the better of you, and I wish I could comfort you. But I forfeited that right a long time ago, and of the many things I regret having done, it’s that I’ve given you no reason to trust me now.”
Another silence, this one full of brooding frustration, before he burst out savagely, “Dio, if it were within my power, I would have us meeting here for the first time, with no painful history to sour your view of me!”
“We were both young and foolish, Paolo,” she said, an unsettling stab of guilt attacking without warning. She was the injured party, the one who’d given up everything—or so she’d told herself these many long years. Yet in line with other recent self-insights, as she watched him, listened to him, she suddenly wasn’t quite so sure.
“But I was the greater transgressor.” Fleetingly his hand ghosted over her hair and down her face. “You were little more than a child, Caroline, and so anxious to please that it disgusts me to remember how I took advantage of you. If I had a daughter, I would kill the man who dared to treat her, as I treated you.”
Tell him! Say the words: You do have a daughter, Paolo, and a son, as well! Then let the chips fall where they may. Dare to believe that the truth can indeed set a person free.
The urge to confess rose, as strong and surprising as her earlier guilt. She had to bite her tongue not to give in to what was surely the ultimate folly. A moment’s lapse in judgment could cost her everything because, no matter what he might say now, his repentance would surely turn to outrage when he learned the secret she’d kept from him all this time.
“You do not answer me,” he said, a world of weary regret in his voice.
“What do you want me to say? That I forgive you?”
“No. That’s asking for far more than I deserve.”
His candor was killing her! Too ashamed of her hypocrisy to look him in the eye, she stared again at the swath of moonlit sea. “No, it’s not. In the last week, we’ve both learned that life’s too short to waste it bearing grudges. So let’s forgive each other, Paolo, for the mistakes we’ve both made.”
“What are yours?” he asked, with just a trace of humor in his tone. “That you were too beautiful for your own good? Too sweetly appealing for mine?”
Humbled yet again by his self-derision, she said, “I chose to be a stranger to my own flesh and blood, just as you accused me of doing. I stayed away from my niece and nephew, when I should have made an effort to grow closer to them.”
“You’re here for them now, cara.”
Yes, but deep in her heart, she was terribly afraid she’d left it too late. Her children didn’t want to know her.
They turned to Lidia to dry their tears and sing them to sleep. They ran to Paolo when it hit them that Ermanno could no longer be there for them. Even Salvatore occupied a special place in their hearts, regardless of Callie’s belief that he was far removed from the typically warm, loving Italian patriarch they deserved. When all was said and done, the Raineros were her children’s true family, and she had only herself to blame for that.
Blinking away the persistent threat of tears, she said, “I mean nothing to them. You said so, yourself.”
“They are afraid to love you.”
Another wave of pain engulfed her. “Afraid? Why?”
“Because they have learned too early what it is to have the very foundation of their lives knocked out from under them. As they see it, their parents have abandoned them, and so might you. You are kind and tender with them, everything a loving aunt should be. But they are not, I fear, willing to risk another loss, so soon after the first.”
“So how do I rectify that?”
“By not turning their world upside-down with impossible demands. Do not ask them to open their hearts to you, just because you happen to be their mother’s sister. Don’t be in too big a hurry to rush back to America. Rather, stay here in Italy long enough to earn their trust. Do that, and their affection will follow.”
“That could take months.”
He shrugged. “So? You already said you’re prepared to take a leave of absence from your work. Have you had second thoughts, and decided Gina and Clemente aren’t worth such a sacrifice?”
“Of course not! But—”
“But you have your own life, one you share perhaps with a lover?”
“No.”
“Then what’s so important about your schedule that everything has to conform to it, regardless of how it might affect other people’s?”
Seeing herself through his eyes, she cried passionately, “You don’t understand!”
“Then make me,” he said. “You say you want what’s best for our niece and nephew—”
“I do! I want to give them the kind of security that comes from knowing that they are deeply and irrevocably loved, even though their parents have died.”
“Which is exactly what I also want for them. So why, if we’re in agreement, are we fighting each other?”
“I don’t know!” she cried, frustration spilling over. He knocked all the starch out of her convictions with his powerful line of reasoning. “I can’t think straight when you badger me like this!”
“Is that what I’m doing, Caroline? Badgering you?”
No, you’re reinforcing a whole host of self-doubts about what I thought were entrenched beliefs in my rights, and I can’t deal with that, especially not with you sitting so close beside me that I forget to be prudent.
“Am I?” he said again, running his knuckles along her jaw in a caress so tender that it undid her.
Her vision blurred. “No,” she said, blinking furiously. “I’m feeling overwhelmed, that’s all.”
“Understandable.” Another pause followed, this one humming with a different kind of energy, before he said thoughtfully, “Given our common goal, can we not find a way to work together, instead of in opposition?”
Tamping down an improbable surge of hope, she said warily, “Exactly what is it you’re proposing, Paolo?”
“That you give me one year. Put your career on hold and take that leave of absence and live here. With me.”
“With you? You mean, in your house?”
“Exactly. At present, I own an apartment, but for the children’s sake, I would buy a villa on the outskirts of Rome. A place with a garden where they could play—one close to where they lived with their parents, so that they could attend the same school, and keep the same friends. In other words, I would make a home for them—and you.”
“You can’t possibly be suggesting that the four of us would all live under the same roof?”
“Why not?”
“Because your father wouldn’t allow it, for a start!”
“My father does not dictate my choices, Caroline. I am my own man.”
She didn’t doubt that for a moment. “Perhaps. But he’d never accept my place at your side.”
“He’d have no choice but to accept you, if you were my wife.”
“You’re suggesting we get married?” This time, there was no controlling her spiking blood pressure.
“Yes,” he said calmly, as if proposing marriage out of the blue was as common an everyday occurrence as brushing his teeth.
“But you don’t love me!”
“Nor do you love me. But we both love the children, do we not?”
“Well…yes.”
“Then is it not worth trying to give back to them a little of what they’ve lost—a home, two people who love them, a semblance of normality?”
To be his wife, to share a home with him and their children…had this not been the stuff her dreams were made of, for longer than she cared to admit? And yet, to grasp them now, on t
he strength of a whim, an impulse, was surely courting heartbreak all over again.
Quickly, before her foolish heart led her astray a second time where he was concerned, she said, “With a marriage in name only? I don’t think so, Paolo!”
“Nor do I. Such marriages stand no chance of succeeding.”
By then too confused to be delicate, she said bluntly, “Are you suggesting we sleep together?”
With enviable aplomb, he replied, “Why not? I admit, intimacy coupled with love makes for the best bedfellows, but between compatible, consenting adults, intimacy alone can nurture a closeness they might otherwise never know.”
“What if it doesn’t?”
“Then they part as friends and go their separate ways, which is why I ask you to give me a year. If, at the end of it, we agree we cannot make the marriage work, we will end it.”
“And exactly how does that help the children?”
“It gives them a breathing space, a time to heal, among people who care about them enough to put their personal ambitions aside. At the same time, it allows them the chance to get to know you, which cannot be a bad thing if, as you say, you want what is best for them—because you surely must agree, no child can have too large a loving family.”
“I do agree. It’s this other thing you’re suggesting…this business of…of sex….”
“I’ve taken you by surprise, I know, Caroline, and I don’t expect an answer from you tonight. All I ask is that you consider my proposal.”
Consider it? Good grief, it was all she could do not to grab hold of it with both hands before he changed his mind! But his businesslike approach cooled her enthusiasm. He was proposing a marriage of convenience, even if it did include bedroom privileges, and she’d be a fool to forget that. The odds that they could make a success of such an arrangement were dim at best.
So, matching his detachment, she said, “I suppose that can’t hurt.”
“My father wants us to stay here another week, but I suggest we make it two. That should give you enough time to reach a decision, shouldn’t it?”
“I can’t imagine it’ll take me that long.”
“But if you say yes, as I’m hoping you will, the extra time will give the children the chance to get used to the idea of us being a family, before too many changes take place. Then, once they’ve accepted the idea, we can return to Rome, and concentrate on finding a place to live.”
“That makes sense, I suppose,” she said, and wondered how he managed to make what was surely a rash, improbable idea seem so utterly sane and workable.
“You were gone a long time, Paolo,” his mother said, coming out to where he leaned against the terrace balustrade, nursing a snifter of brandy. “Your father is in bed already.”
“And why aren’t you, Momma?” he asked fondly, noting the long silky robe she wore over her nightgown, and the embroidered satin slippers on her feet. “Aren’t I bit past the age where you have to wait up, to make sure I get home safely?”
“I’m too worried and sad to sleep. First, Caroline told us she’d like to take the children back to America with her—”
“We’ve known all along that was a possibility. It shouldn’t have come as too much of a surprise.”
“No, but it still came as a shock to hear it put into words so plainly. Then, after the pair of you left the house, I found the twins huddled at the top of the stairs, with their arms around each other. They were very upset and confused. I’m afraid, with their grandfather’s shouting, they heard more than was good for them.”
“My father was out of control. People on the mainland probably heard him. Were you able to reassure them?”
“I tried, but they heard Caroline, too. Their English is too good, Paolo. They understood every word that was spoken, and they’re frightened. Everything they’ve always been able to count on is crumbling around them.”
A sigh shook her slight frame, and Paolo realized that Ermanno’s death had taken an even greater toll on her reserves than had first been apparent. The silver in her hair grew more noticeable every day. The spring had gone from her step, and she’d lost a shocking amount of weight.
Nor was grief the only culprit. She was exhausted. Even with Jolanda’s help here on the island, and with the nanny, Tullia, standing by in Rome, caring for the twins exacted too heavy a toll on a woman of their grandmother’s years.
“My heart bleeds for Caroline,” she continued sadly. “She’s in an impossible position, even if she doesn’t yet realize it. She loves those children, and there’s no question but that their lives would be enriched by having her be a part of them. But even if she could force the issue by taking them to live with her in America, what good would it do, if they ended up hating her for it?”
“No good at all. Technically they are half-American, as Caroline says, but in their hearts and outlook, they are as Italian as I am. Their true home is here, and always will be, regardless of who wins this battle of guardianship. Not only that, they’re no longer babies. We speak of rights as if they’re exclusive to adults only, but the children have their rights, too, and they deserve to be heard.”
Another deep sigh escaped his mother. “Oh, Paolo! How are we ever going to resolve the difficulties facing us?”
“We’ll find a way, Momma. In fact, I might already have come up with a solution that will make everyone happy.”
His mother stepped closer, her face illuminated with sudden hope. “What kind of solution? Oh, tell me, please! I crave hearing some good news, for a change.”
“No,” he said. “You’ll have to be patient a little longer. It is too soon.”
Too soon for Caroline, and in all truth, too soon for him. The idea of marriage had struck him out of the blue, and before he’d had time to consider the wisdom of it, he’d proposed. And why? Because of a kiss that had been equally unplanned, yet one which had awoken in him a hunger not easily assuaged in the usual way. Rather, he’d been reminded of that long-ago night when he’d taken an innocent virgin and almost lost his heart in the process.
The depth of his feelings had terrified him then, and it terrified him now. At eighteen, she’d been a girl on the brink of life; one who deserved better than a man unprepared to accept responsibility for anything but his own pleasure and pursuits, and so he’d turned away from her.
Now, she was a woman and, in the space of a few days, she’d shown his life for what it really was: empty and superficial. Granted, at a professional level, he took pride in his accomplishments, and had believed that to be satisfaction enough. But because of her, he’d suddenly glimpsed the fulfillment of a deep-seated personal need that he hadn’t known existed. Plainly put, she exemplified all the things he’d once thought he’d never want.
Children, marriage, a place to call home—they’d taken on different meaning, this last week, yet with one kiss, she’d made them appear not merely appropriate at such a grief-ravaged time, but eminently desirable, too.
He was not the twins’ father, nor was Caroline their mother, but given the will to make it happen, together they could fill the void left by the tragic absence of parents, far better than either could hope to achieve alone. Like her, though, he needed time to adjust to the idea; to swing his mind set around from that of unattached bachelor, to family man. And he needed peace and quiet and solitude to do so.
“You should try to get some sleep, Momma,” he said, urging her inside the villa. “You’re worn-out.”
“Sleep?” She passed her hand over her face in a gesture of utter despair. “How can I sleep, with so much gone wrong in my family?”
“By allowing someone else to carry the load, for a change.” Taking her arm, he walked her to the foot of the staircase. “Put your worries aside, go to bed, and leave everything to me.”
He watched as she took the stairs one at a time. Seeing how slowly she moved, how she clutched the bannister and paused occasionally to catch her breath, reinforced his determination. He would not wait until he buried his mother
as well, before he took the necessary steps to bring closure to his family’s distress.
When she at last reached her bedroom and closed the door, he returned to the terrace to finish his brandy, and pick up where he’d left off with his earlier musings. He’d always believed a man was responsible for directing his own destiny, but that he’d stumbled across such an ideal solution of how best to fill the hole left by Ermanno’s and Vanessa’s deaths, struck him as nothing less than serendipity.
Admittedly he entertained some reservations about his proposal. Try though he might, he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that Caroline harbored a secret of such momentous proportions that it might one day hurt his family. But that merely made marrying her that much more urgent. As her husband, he’d be in a position to effect some damage control.
There were other advantages, too. Whatever faults she might have, one thing remained unalterably clear: she was devoted to the twins, and ideally suited to share the responsibility of looking after them.
Furthermore, she was unattached, as was he. Even if he’d been seriously involved with another woman, he’d heard enough horror stories to make him reluctant to ask a stranger to step in as surrogate mother to his brother’s children. But Caroline was family. Her blood ran in the twins’ veins, just as thickly as his. Whatever their differences, in this one matter they were united.
If she was secure enough in the marriage, if he could make it so good between the two of them that she’d want to stay when the year was up, wouldn’t that be enough to neutralize whatever threat he feared she posed for his family? Wouldn’t it, in fact, be the best possible outcome for everybody, including the children?
Last, of course, there was the kiss—another unforeseen event which had affected him deeply. In that kiss, he’d tasted something of the ingenue he’d so carelessly cast aside nine years ago, and in his world, that kind of innocence was a rare commodity.
He hadn’t asked her if there’d been other lovers since him, because he hadn’t needed to. It had been there for him to see in her dazed surprise; in the nervous fluttering of her pulse, and her startled, uncertain gaze. A woman of experience did not respond so skittishly to a kiss, or to the suggestion of married intimacy.
The Italian s Convenient Wife Page 7