by Kim Lawrence
The hand that went palm down, fingers splayed on her stomach, made her flinch, but she couldn’t move. Emotions exploded within her at the gentle intimacy of the possessive gesture. I won’t cry, she thought, raising her frightened eyes to his face…I won’t.
‘To be in this condition, Emmy…yes.’ His eyes were shadowed and turbulent. ‘I’m sorry you find the idea of matrimony so repugnant but I’ll not settle for anything less.’ His expression was grim, totally unyielding. ‘Besides, it’s me you need…I know it. Why do you have to deny it constantly?’
‘Your arrogance is pathetic.’ Hot tears filled her eyes. Was she really that transparent? she wondered with despair. ‘What about Beth? How can you do this to her?’
Luke’s expression grew intensely impatient. ‘Why on earth do you keep throwing Beth in my face? Do you mind explaining just what the hell all these little digs are meant to indicate?’
Why did he have to keep up the façade? Would it last until he had given his child the legitimacy that obviously meant so much to him? ‘I heard you and Beth at the flat,’ she said, her eyes lowered, and she kept them fixed on her hands, which plucked restlessly at the hemline of her dress. ‘I know you’ve been waiting for her to get over the death of her husband… to be together. I heard what she said. You were talking about her that day, weren’t you? It would be—’ she, looked up, her eyes filled with the intensity of her feelings ‘—sinful to marry me, Luke, when you feel like that about someone else.’
She gave a sudden moan and pushed her head back into the sofa she’d so lovingly re-upholstered. ’this is such a mess. I know I should have told you about the baby,’ she admitted with a rush. ’marty kept nagging me to, but—’
‘Who’s Marty?’ The ferocity was palpable.
She blinked. ‘I’m having a baby…our baby.’ It was the first time she’d said it and it felt right, good on her tongue, even though she knew it shouldn’t. ’that doesn’t give you the right to interrogate me about my friends.’
‘Has he been here with you?’ He looked around the room which had once seemed bright and cheerful but suddenly seemed cheap and sordid. Did he have to ruin everything?
’marty is a female,’ she said with a superior smile. ‘Or had you hoped to have me labelled an unfit mother too?’
Luke seemed suddenly too pleased. The tension that had been part of him had been tight to snapping-point. It was still there, but he seemed more in control. ‘I think you’ll make an excellent mother, as a matter of fact. What I think is that you’ve got a generous heart that is longing to love, but no one’s been around to return it, so you’ve hoarded it up until you’ve almost forgotten how to let it go. Until…’ His eyes were on her stricken face in which the colour welled and receded dramatically.
‘Don’t!’ she begged. He knew she loved him. Her last defence was crumbling before her eyes.
‘Emmy, my dear, stupid, blind infant.’ He spoke in such a tender, loving tone that her eyes grew round in response to the trauma of the endearing insult to her nervous system. ‘You ran out on me because you imagined Beth and I were in love.’
‘I heard—’ she began indignantly. He wasn’t going to dismiss the weeks of suffering with some glib comment. This was some plan to take away her baby.
‘You heard part of a conversation,’ he interrupted, the anger close again to the surface. ‘As always, you believed what you wanted about me. If you’d stayed around to eavesdrop further—’
‘You kissed her!’ Emily exploded wrathfully. My God, do I really sound that jealous? she thought, hearing the sound of her own voice with subdued shock. ‘I saw you,’ she added in a more moderate tone.
‘What you saw was me being kissed.’
‘In fact, you were overcome and taken by force,’ she snapped. ‘All six feet three of you!’
A strange smile lurked around the corners of his mouth. ’this jealousy is something of a revelation, Emmy. Now just shut up and listen for a moment.’ He pressed a finger to her lips and something in his eyes made her grow still. ‘I’ve known Beth since she married Martin, several years ago. They enjoyed a stormy relationship but were, despite the intermittent volcanic disturbances, very happy. When Martin was killed Beth went totally off the rails. For weeks she refused even to believe Martin was dead. The anger and the guilt that followed in its wake were frightening to watch. I was a friend, nothing more.’ He glanced at her intent face, his expression uncomfortable for the first time. ‘It seems—and I blame myself for not realising it—that I became more to Beth than an outlet for the pain that was tearing her apart. I’ve been encouraging her for the last twelve months to do what she really wants and move back to London. She ran her own advertising company until she made the move up north. I was pleased that she felt able to make the break, rebuild her life, but I hadn’t bargained on being part of the package.’
Relief was swimming through her veins. It was the truth, a truth that suddenly made the present difficult to evaluate accurately. Concepts were shifting. ‘You were with her tonight.’
‘You were with Gavin,’ he reminded her with compelling anger.
‘We have settled our differences,’ she agreed. ‘We’re friends, and we’ll never be anything else— unless he’s my brother-in-law. I was a last-minute sub for Charlotte tonight. They had a slight disagreement.’
‘And I was there because your father sent me a very terse missive strictly forbidding me to put in an appearance,’ he told her, a flare of satisfaction curving his mouth at her explanation. ‘Beth, on the other hand, was present because she is involved with the charity that organised the damned thing. In the circumstances she has taken it very well. I think seeing you at the flat cleared her vision—she was just reluctant to let go of the fantasy. There never were any sparks between us, and you can’t manufacture that sort of thing. I was a crutch for Beth and possibly I let her lean on me too heavily,’ he said, his voice filled with self-doubt. It was a pretty delicate half-hour, but I think we salvaged our friendship.’ With a sudden violent movement he grabbed Emily’s hands and drew her towards him on the small sofa. ‘And then I came to find you packing your bags,’ he told her grimly.
‘Luke,’ she said suddenly, a dazed expression in her eyes, ‘why did you let me go?’ Her voice became hoarse with urgency. Her eyes, the dark brown speckled with golden highlights, were fixed unblinkingly on his face.
The blue eyes she loved so much, the ones that seemed to see inside her head, were glittering with feverish intensity. ‘It hurt to know that despite how close I had thought we were at times you could still distrust me so totally.’ The beads of sweat that shone on his brow increased the impression of the phenomenal strain he seemed to be feeling. She saw the muscles in his throat stand out as he swallowed an invisible constriction. ‘I didn’t come after you tonight just because of the baby, or at your father’s bidding. I came because…because I had to.’ His hands, for once clumsy and ill co-ordinated, fumbled as they moved up the length of her arms and down her back, tightening painfully around her ribs. His head dropped to lie against the angle of her shoulder, his breath hot on the skin of her neck. ‘God, you feel…’ A ragged cry was wrenched from deep inside him as his mouth moved across her skull. She felt the pressure of his lips through the cap of her hair.
Her own movements were made difficult by the violent tremors which began to afflict her entire body. The same tremors, she realised with a dawning wonder, that were shaking Luke’s larger frame with equal fury. His body was all hard muscle, taut, so strong, yet he was trembling.
Hesitantly her arms went up around him, moving over his broad back—at first tentatively, but with growing confidence as she grew greedy for the closeness, the sharing of something she could find no name for. She’d been saying his name repeatedly in a tone half between a sob and a question when she became aware of his stillness.
Luke raised his head from its resting place. ‘How could you think I was in love with Beth after we had made love?’ he demanded
angrily.
What was he saying? She hardly noticed the cruel grip of his fingers as they dug into her upper arms. ‘I was just there and you kept harping on about propinquity. You made no secret of the fact that half my attraction was due to my being a means of revenge. Then after Beth turned up you virtually rubbed my nose in the great power that special woman had over you.’
‘A special woman,’ he said thickly. ‘You, Emily Ruth Stapely—the only woman I have ever loved.’ He gave a sudden deep laugh at the totally incredulous expression on her face. ‘You look as though you’re about to say this is so sudden.’
‘You hate my father, despise my family,’ she protested weakly.
He didn’t attempt to deny it. ’that’s one reason I put myself through hell trying to deny the obvious. Don’t you think I tried to dislike you, believe every rotten thing I accused you of? Me, fall for a Stapely? Even when you were a kid I knew you were different, and you have no idea how terrifying you were at sixteen, all seductive promise and endless trust.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m ashamed to say how tempting you were, little one. I had to keep reminding myself that despite outward appearances you were still a child. I was pretty disgusted with myself. Why the hell do you think I stayed clear for four years? I could only trust my good intentions at a safe distance,’ he recalled wryly. He smiled at her and there was no hidden agenda, just warmth and passion and possession. ‘I feel as if in some strange way the outcome was never in question.’
He ran his fingers down the side of her face, the tips rough against the silky texture. ‘Why do you think I came back in time for your party? It wasn’t coincidence. Maybe I was in love with you even then,’ he reflected in a startled tone. ‘I didn’t want to fall in love with a Stapely. My hate for your family has coloured my every waking moment. I didn’t want to see you as an individual who was as much a victim of your birth as I was.’
His thumb blotted a solitary tear that ran down the smoothness of her cheek. ‘I was in this tropical paradise,’ he recalled, ’then a single line in a letter from a friend in England stole my peace of mind away.’ His eyes raked her face. ‘Your wedding plans. I knew it was totally unreasonable but I was furious. I spent the next week carping, ranting about the ridiculous idea of the whole affair. I couldn’t get it out of my head. When Bernie Cavanaugh, who is a very shrewd lady, asked me if it was marriage in particular, the bridegroom, or you being other than single which bothered me so much, I had no answer, so she said it might be a good idea if I found out before it was too late.
‘I didn’t think when you walked in on that farcical, furtive scene, I just acted on pure instinct. I knew I had to get you away from that bloody family of yours if we were going to get anywhere. I played up to your preconceptions about me. If I’d actually told you the truth, you’d either have run a mile or laughed in my face. I just knew I had to have you, and if that involved fulfilling my role as unscrupulous bastard I was going to do it. To be honest, I still had hopes that I could work through this obsession, that I could rid my bloodstream of the ridiculous craving. But I admitted defeat fairly swiftly,’ he told her self-consciously. ‘I took comfort from the fact that your physical response to me was no illusion. I thought if we were together long enough I could teach you to love me too. I know my methods were hardly scrupulous…’
A flood of joy was spilling out of her; a new confidence swelled and grew as he spoke. ‘I’m glad you didn’t find a cure for the obsession,’ she said firmly. Her eyes glowed as she placed her hands on either side of his face. ‘I love you, Luke, and I feel ashamed I didn’t have the guts to tell you so. I misjudged you, but when you’ve been fed information about a person all your life the ideas are hard to dislodge.’ Her face creased in anguish. ‘You never told me, never even hinted. I thought I was a form of retribution, Luke, a pawn in some deadly game. You spoilt me for anyone else when I fell for you at sixteen. You must know that.’
His eyes darkened in anguish. ‘Emily, I told you in every way I could.’
‘Except in words.’
He nodded in acquiescence. ‘Except in words. Perhaps we were both afraid of rejection.’
The concept of Luke feeling as vulnerable and unsure as she had, suffering the same torture, was shattering. ‘I’ll always be my father’s daughter, Luke; you’ll never be able to forget that,’ she said with a shade of unease that dimmed the joy she’d felt.
‘My wife first,’ he said with the arrogant tilt to his head which she loved. But the melting tenderness was new, and it was for her. ‘I’m not marrying your father. Do you realise that in his own way he was acting as matchmaker today? In the circumstances he can’t object to our marriage, can he? Actually, he admitted a few things today that almost explain…not excuse, but explain. He was in love with my mother.’ He gave an ironic grin as Emily’s jaw fell open. ’my reaction exactly. She apparently would have none of it, but he had hopes until my father came along. I look like my father, it seems. End of story.’
‘That’s no excuse,’ she objected. ‘If this baby—’ she touched her stomach ‘—were another man’s, you wouldn’t take out your frustration on him.’
‘No, Emily I wouldn’t,’ he agreed quietly. ’that’s an impressive piece of faith, infant.’ The pleasure he felt at her swift response rounded the gravelly edges of his voice. ‘But I’d never let another man steal you from me,’ he warned her huskily.
‘You didn’t follow me,’ she reminded him.
‘Pride,’ he said in a clipped tone, ‘has made the last months a living hell. I’d almost given up fighting, waiting for you to make the first move. Hell, Emmy, no proper explanation…you just ran. I thought you couldn’t stand the sight of me. I knew, though, that you couldn’t have been so sweet, so wonderful when we made love if there were nothing. I clung on to that and waited stubbornly for you to make the first move. I’d have done anything to make you mine, and I still would.’ Anguish, the shadow of nightmares, twisted his features. ‘It’s been a nightmare wanting you, trying to convince myself you weren’t worth all the agonies. I thought you might have found someone else… Emmy, I was touched, flattered that I was your first. But it’s the last I want to be.’
His lips were hungry, drinking her in like a man who’d spent days in a desert. She pressed eagerly closer, feeling the same urgency flood her veins.
When they eventually broke apart, they were both gasping for air. ’the baby, Emmy—how do you feel about it?’ Luke asked.
‘When I thought it was all I had of you, or ever would have, the baby was everything to me. Now you and the baby are my world. And you?’
‘I’m filled with a proprietorial delight at the prospect of watching you grow fat and gorgeous with the seed of life we began.’ He shifted his weight and leant back, pulling her half on top of him. ‘Is there much evidence of occupation yet?’ he asked curiously, stroking her flat belly.
‘I’ll let you decide that, darling,’ she said with a small, provocative smile.
‘I think I can handle that,’ he murmured receptively, and the hungry prowling of his eyes over her body made her quiver in anticipation. ‘Em, back in Scotland, a million years or so ago, I thought you might be holding back because of my line of work. You know, war zones.’
‘Civil wars, famine,’ she added stoically. ‘I don’t want to change you, tie you down,’ she said, trying to ignore the cold fingers of dread that clutched at her heart. To lose Luke…But to tether him was equally unthinkable.
‘I’m not addicted to danger, Emily. To be honest, being a voyeur, an observer, on the depths of human misery can have a seriously numbing effect on the body—not to mention the mind. My life has been out of balance and I reached my limit a while back. I’ve curtailed my activities in that field recently.’
Emily’s eyes grew soft and dark as she was filled with a rush of tenderness. ‘What happened?’
He shook his head. ‘Not now, honey,’ he said roughly. ‘I don’t want anything dark to get in the way. Let’s just say I
had nightmares for a good six months, and pictures that played incessantly in my head. As a photographer, reporter, or whatever, the main feeling is of impotence. Sometimes we help by focusing the world’s eyes on atrocities, but on the immediate level we can only watch. You can’t afford to lose that protective veneer of objectivity. I’m telling you this, love, in case you’re afraid I’ll do anything to jeopardise what we have,’ he explained, tenderly touching her soft mouth with his fingertip, tracing the outline.
‘I’m not afraid, Luke,’ she said slowly, moved almost to tears by his words. ‘Not with you, my love.’
‘Do you know how badly I need you, Emmy mine?’ he asked huskily.
‘Show me,’ she suggested imperiously. An order he didn’t appear to mind obeying at all.
eISBN 978-14592-7645-1
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First North American Publication 1996.
Copyright © 1995 by Kim Lawrence.
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