by Kim Law
Cord didn’t let himself think about what he’d be missing. What he’d forever miss because he would be all alone in Billings the rest of his life. “You can do that without me,” he said. “I’m going back home where I belong.”
“What the fuck, man?” Gabe muttered. He turned to Dani, and she shrugged.
“He and Maggie broke up last night,” she explained. “She’s gone.”
“Oh.” Gabe once again turned to Cord. “Shit.”
Cord did not want their sympathy. He shouldn’t have even gotten involved with Maggie in the first place. Therefore, he didn’t deserve sympathy. He knew how these things worked. He’d been stupid to play with fire.
“It’s fine,” he said. He made sure not to make eye contact with either Arsula or Erica, both of whom seemed to remain poised to take his head off if need be. “The whole thing was a mistake to begin with.”
Arsula growled in the back of her throat.
“You’re not going to decide to . . .” Dani paused instead of finishing her sentence, and she glanced over at Gabe, worry marring her face.
And whatever she’d been about to say, Gabe seemed to understand. “No.” He shook his head. “He can’t do that.”
“I can’t do what?”
“Have nothing to do with the baby, idiot,” Arsula snapped. “How can you be so clueless? They’re worried you’re going to back out of being a dad and ignore your son. Just like you originally told Maggie you intended to do.” She turned to the others, ready to say more, but the rest of Cord’s siblings filed into the room. Nate and Nick both seemed confused at the sight of the group of them, while Jaden simply moved to Arsula’s side. And even though confused, his twin brothers immediately picked up on the fact that Cord was the focus. And that he deserved their anger.
“What did he do?” Nate asked.
“He ran Maggie off,” Jaden replied. “We took her home in the middle of the night.”
Cord dropped his bag back to the floor and settled in to let them all say their piece.
“How did you run her off?” Nick looked as if the breakup pained him as much as it did Cord.
“He asked her to marry him,” Dani said.
“In order to ‘do the right thing,’” Erica added, and Nick and Nate both cringed at the words. But then Cord remembered something that might take the attention off him, and he looked at Jaden.
“Wasn’t it you who told me that I should marry Maggie? Because it’s ‘the honorable thing’?” He air quoted Jaden’s words from when they’d had their family meeting a few weeks ago, and he took great pleasure in watching Arsula’s ire refocus itself on her fiancé.
“You told him to do that?”
“I—” Jaden flinched, knowing he was in trouble. Then he sighed. “It was said in the heat of the moment. I didn’t actually mean for him to do it.”
“Or more likely,” Cord interjected, almost enjoying the moment now, “you just didn’t mean for me to say that to her.”
Jaden fumed, the look he fired Cord’s way making it clear he would get his brother back. “You’re a moron for saying that to her.”
“Why? She asked me, so I answered.”
“Then you’re a moron for thinking it.”
“More like, you’re just a moron,” Nate added. “Why didn’t you just tell her you love her?”
“Instead, he told her that he didn’t love her,” Arsula shared, and for the first time since she’d come into the room, she sounded more exhausted than angry. Exhausted, most likely, over worrying about her friend. And that small change in her demeanor made Cord even more ready to be out of there.
He knew he’d hurt Maggie. But he also knew that hurting her had never been his intention. Far from it. What he’d wanted to do was to look after her. To come home to her every day. Emotions didn’t have to be tossed into the mix. At least, not love. Yet, the one time he’d not only considered asking a woman to marry him, but had been excited at the prospect of it, she’d tossed the entire thing back in his face. It was insulting. And it pissed him the hell off.
Not to mention, while she’d been turning him down, she’d also been accusing him of trying to manipulate her. Which was utter bullshit. He’d been trying to provide for her. He’d been attempting to give their child the life he’d thought she wanted for him. Two parents! Instead . . .
He stood up straighter as a new idea formed. Had she been manipulating him from the start? The entire relationship had been her idea. Having sex again . . . her idea.
Getting him to open up. To share things about his life, about his father . . . that had all been her. All with the intention of reeling him in. And then she’d gone and told him she loved him. What the fuck was he supposed to do with that?
And of course, “love” had come up right before asking about his dad. Hadn’t that been convenient? Had she known about Hamm’s offer even before he’d told her about it? Had she and his dad been in on it together?
He ground his thoughts to a halt. He was aware he could veer toward paranoia when it came to people trying to use his emotions against him. He’d been accused of that more than once in the past. So, he also knew that he needed to take a step back and relook at things once he’d calmed down. Once his entire family wasn’t in his face, telling him he’d screwed up.
“I’m going to go,” he said again, this time knowing that he wouldn’t let them stall him. He picked up his bag. “I hope all of you have a great time this morning, and please, give my apologies to Jenna, Haley, and to all of your spouses for not being here.”
As Cord approached the spot where he’d found Maggie on the side of the road only one month ago, he glanced over at it. So much had happened since that night. And so much had happened that he wished hadn’t happened.
He kept going down the road, not looking back. He wanted to be out of Birch Bay as soon as possible, and he didn’t intend to return until his son was on the way. At this point, though, he didn’t know if Maggie would call him when she went into labor. He would reach out in a few days to ask if she would still let him know. Just because they weren’t a couple anymore didn’t mean that he didn’t want to be in his son’s life—no matter what might have been running through his family’s mind. And through Maggie’s, most likely. Especially given her parting words.
If you really do want to see your son after he’s born, then revert back to your plan of renting a place near me. Otherwise, your time will be limited.
He hadn’t expected her to continue welcoming him with open arms after he’d broken her heart, naturally, but the knowledge that he’d spent his last night in her house hurt. He’d liked where they were, and he hadn’t seen any reason to change it.
Of course, he was the one who’d tried to change it. He’d tried to bring her closer to him so he could have everything he—
He stomped on his brakes, his tires momentarily locking up as his truck slid in the new-fallen snow, then he pulled over to the side of the road. He’d tried to bring Maggie closer to him so he could have everything without having to give up anything.
Had Maggie been right? Had he been trying to manipulate her?
Crap.
That hadn’t been his intention, but he could certainly see how it might look like that from her point of view. And hell, it looked like it from his point of view, too. He’d offered her a ring, hoping she’d immediately agree because she’d be so dazzled by . . . what? The gift of him?
He snorted at the thought. He wasn’t exactly a gift most days.
And granted, he hadn’t offered her the ring only to get her to move. He did want to take care of her and the baby. That had always been priority number one. And he would absolutely love having them close enough to come home to every night.
But if he wasn’t willing to give her what she wanted—to give her his heart—then why had he ever expected she’d jump on his offer and do his bidding?
Once again, Arsula had been right. His entire family was right. He was an idiot.
He’d asked Maggie to m
arry him as a last-ditch effort to have everything that he wanted—while also showing his dad that he wouldn’t be manipulated. And it had backfired spectacularly.
Idiot.
Moron.
Dumbass.
He was all three and then some. No wonder Maggie had dumped him. He’d deserved it.
He would deserve her never speaking to him again, but he hoped that wasn’t what would happen.
Glancing in his rearview to make sure no one else was out on the road on this snowy Christmas morning, he started to pull back out. But then he realized that he had stopped right before going into the curve where his mother had died.
He pushed back down on the brake and stopped. He hadn’t looked at the exact location his mother had died since the day it had happened, and he couldn’t say for certain why.
Anger?
Hurt?
Guilt?
He shifted into park and turned off the truck, but before getting out, he reached over to the passenger seat and unzipped his bag. Lying inside, and on top of the clothes he’d worn the day before, was the gift Maggie had given him last night. He hadn’t laid his eyes on it until after she’d walked out, but when he’d looked into the opened box after she’d gone, his breath had caught.
Inside had been a photo of Maggie. She’d had a pregnancy shoot at some point, and she’d framed one of the shots for him. What was poignant about the picture, though, aside from the fact that Maggie’s beauty and loving smile had jumped out at him, was that the photo had been taken by a tree he’d recognized.
When his mother had planned her wreck, she’d chosen one of the most recognizable trees in Birch Bay. There had been an oversized knot on one side of the trunk for as long as he could remember, always making him think of a goiter as a kid. The tree was used as a marker when giving people directions. Their place is two houses on the right past the goiter tree. If you pass the goiter tree, you’ve gone too far.
Maggie had chosen that spot for the picture she’d wanted to give to him, and though he’d been too angry when he’d first seen it to do anything more than want to throw the frame out the window, he had a different view on things now. Had she picked the tree because she’d been hoping to give him a new visual associated with that location instead of the memories he carried?
He hadn’t had the dream in a couple of weeks. Not since he’d shared it with Maggie. But even so, failing his mom was always in the back of his mind. And this tree was in the center of his biggest failure.
He took a long look at the photo now, and even without Maggie there with him, he suddenly felt more in control of the past than he’d ever been. Putting the picture down, he zipped his coat and grabbed his hat and gloves, and then he stepped out of his truck.
The road remained silent, and the snow that had started the day before continued to fall. They’d had a good amount of accumulation, but nothing out of the ordinary, and Cord had no problem making it around the curve and coming out the other side. When he did, he stopped and simply took in the view. On the right side of the road was where Bailey had ended up. It was where the cliff that had begun appearing in his dreams had emerged, and where Maggie had slipped over the edge in Bailey’s car.
On the other side of the road was the tree.
It was much larger now. Sixteen years hadn’t slowed its growth, and the goiter stood out in great detail. He took a moment to picture Maggie as she was in the photo, standing by the tree, her hands cupping the child they’d made together. And then he pictured his mother’s vehicle crashed into it.
She shouldn’t have died that day. If he hadn’t walked away, she wouldn’t have.
But then . . . was that the truth?
He’d been only sixteen. Even if he’d stayed with her, when her aorta had ruptured, what could he have possibly done? He wouldn’t have even known what had happened.
The ambulance had already been called. He’d had a cell phone on him, and surprisingly, it had worked in that spot on that day. He’d called 911, not thinking that his mother would need medical assistance so much as not knowing if the person in the other vehicle would. He’d called, and the dispatcher had said that police and EMTs were on their way. He’d done all he could do. And then he’d walked away.
What had always sat heavy inside him, though, was the fear that he’d done it on purpose. That he’d let his mother die intentionally. And that thought had been there for one simple reason. Because he’d been relieved she was gone.
He’d failed her, yes. His role and his job had been to save her. And he’d failed.
But had he done it on purpose?
As he looked back on the day now, he could finally answer that question. He’d had no clue she could even potentially die. He’d been a kid. And he’d been traumatized, both by her during his previous sixteen years of life, and on that day when he’d come upon the wreck. He might have both loved and hated her. Or more specifically, he’d wanted to love her. And he’d wanted to be loved in return. But no, he had not let his mother die on purpose.
The relief that filled him had him feeling lighter than he could ever remember. He checked the road again before stepping into it and crossed to the other side. Before moving to the tree, though, he looked back. And he thought about the dream that had terrorized him so often. There was no cliff on the other side of the road. Maggie had never been there, nor in jeopardy.
He turned back to look at the tree. It had been his mother’s SUV wrecked there. Not Maggie’s. Never Maggie’s.
Maggie had been in this location only as a vibrant pregnant woman who’d loved him and wanted to give him a special gift.
Warmth oozed through him, and he moved to the tree. He lifted his hand and rested it on the oversized knot. Then he hung his head between his shoulders.
I knew you’d be here. I knew you’d help.
He could still remember his mother’s words every time he’d shown up after she’d hurt herself. The woman had been a ruthless narcissist. And it had been a whole lot for a sixteen-year-old boy to deal with.
He lifted his head and looked at the tree. “She’s not like you, Mom. She’ll never be like you. Maggie is sweet and selfless, and she’s having our baby. And no way will she raise him the way you raised us.”
Of course, neither would he raise their son as his father had raised them. He would never have to worry about being like his dad in the sense that his dad had let his mother walk all over them. But he also wouldn’t be like his father because he wouldn’t be there for his son. Not every day. And that was on him.
I’m asking if you’ll consider buying my practice.
Doc Hamm’s offer floated into his consciousness. He could move home. If he wanted to. And then he’d be able to see his son regularly.
Maggie had been right yet again. He at least had to consider Hamm’s offer. It didn’t matter how the opportunity had come about; it was a legitimate offer. His life wasn’t the same one it had been a month ago. And it would never be that life again. So, he had to consider it.
His heart began to race. He really could see his son on a regular basis. And from the very beginning. He might not be with Maggie, but he could be here for his son. He thought about his father’s words. Life isn’t about a job. You’re going to cherish every moment when you’re older.
Embrace what life has handed to you.
Then he thought about Hamm saying how pleased he would be to leave his patients in Cord’s hands. Cord hadn’t said anything at the time, but he’d had the thought that if Hamm knew he’d recently let one of his own patients die, he wouldn’t be so willing to pass his practice off on Cord.
But had he let her die?
He wasn’t sixteen anymore, so he couldn’t excuse his actions away on his age. But he also hadn’t directly misdiagnosed her. He should have taken the time to see her, yes. The office might have been closed, but she’d presented with typical appendicitis. He’d known that the moment the receptionist had relayed the woman’s symptoms. But he’d also not fully belie
ved she’d been experiencing such because the woman had come in with made-up issues before. He’d seen so much of his mother in her. Always wanting attention. Always ignoring or flat out crushing her kids’ hearts.
He might have passed her off that afternoon, but the crux of the matter was that she’d made her own choices when she hadn’t gone to the hospital. Everyone had to be responsible for themselves to some point, and though he’d never again repeat that kind of mistake, he could allow himself forgiveness for this one.
He could also promise himself he’d never again let his own past color how he dealt with any patient.
He patted the knot in the tree and nodded with certainty. “You’re finished having a hold over me, Mom. Right now, right here. It’s over.”
He had to let fear quit driving his decisions. And that’s what he’d been doing for so long. Fear that he’d let his mother die on purpose. Fear that he would let someone else stomp on his heart the way his mother had always done.
He might have screwed up the really good thing he’d had going with Maggie, but he wouldn’t screw up his relationship with his son, as well. He was going to accept Hamm’s offer. He was going to come home to Birch Bay.
The last bit of weight lifted from his chest as he thought the words. He would see his son grow up. He’d be able to be there anytime his son needed him.
And maybe someday he could earn Maggie’s forgiveness, too. Maybe he’d even suggest they try again.
His phone rang, and assuming it was one of his family members calling from the house, he didn’t reach for it. He shouldn’t have left and disrupted the morning they’d all had planned. But at the same time, he needed to be right here. He’d needed to deal with his past.
Turning to walk back to his truck, he made the decision to return and to spend Christmas with his family. The kids had probably already discovered what Santa had left for them, but he could take pleasure in watching them show it all to him. Plus, he could give credit for the dollhouse curtains and wallpaper to Maggie since the two of them had gone up to their room last night before that could be made clear.