Amateur MMA fighting had become a welcomed outlet in my tightly put together life. It wasn’t that I had a temper, well, not much of one. It was purely just a much needed release for me. Stepping into that ring always held such an unpredictable outcome; it was the unknown that I craved. There were no guarantees that once I was on the other side of that tightly pulled elastic that I’d come out a winner or come out with my ass beat. Either or, it never really mattered to me. Whether it was my fist connecting or my face being connected with, I’d never felt more alive in all my life. That was until Jesika came into the picture.
I knew she was special, that there was something different about her. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was unlike any of the girls that had ever crossed my path. And more than anything, I knew I didn’t deserve her, but that didn’t stop me. I was a selfish prick who was always willing to do anything to get what he wanted, obviously a trait I picked up from my mother. Jesika had instantly become my obsession, and I didn’t bat an eye at pushing away who ever I needed to win her over and keep her put.
Looking back now, I regret so much. I hurt people like I didn’t have a fucking conscience. Who am I kidding? I pretty much didn’t back then. But now, I’d give anything to go back and fix it all. Shit’s about to hit the fan and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I hate not having control of the situation or knowing what the outcome holds. Tonight might be the last time I’m able to hold my wife. I tried turning my mind off while we were out; making sure I savored every kiss, held her hand a little longer than normal, put as many smiles on her face as possible and made her laugh every chance I could. Now as I watch her sleep on our way home, I can’t help the few tears threatening to fall down my face. I have everything I need or could ever want in the seat right next to me, and I had to fuck it up. Everyone makes mistakes; some are bigger than others and hold graver consequences. Mine was one of the big ones.
I can’t take back what I did, or the man it’s going to paint me out to be. Glancing over at Jesika who is now lightly snoring I catch something running towards the road. I instantly slam on the brakes, but it does no good. That damn deer has everyone swerving and slamming on their brakes all at once. The feeling I’ve had all night of knowing I was about to lose my family is ringing loud and clear in my head right now. I know I’ve lost it all as I watch the cars that are unable to stop come closer and closer to my side of the car. I silently send up a prayer that Jesika makes it. My son needs his mother, and I can’t stand the idea of him losing both of us tonight. I silently pray that she is able to forgive me one day and move forward from this. I grab her hand telling her I love her as the deafening screeching of brakes and metal crunching takes over all my thoughts.
Chapter One
Jesika
Today is the type of day people who have lost someone they deeply loved dread. For me, it’s a day I can either let it pull me back or I can continue to keep moving forward with my life.
The choice is mine.
It was one year ago today when my husband took his last breath, leaving me a widow, a single mother, and an emotional wreck all in one.
I don’t know why remembering he’s been gone a whole year makes today any harder than yesterday, but it does. Maybe it’s comprehending how much he has missed out on over the past year…or maybe it’s just how much I have missed him.
God, how I miss him.
When I close my eyes I can remember the night as if it was yesterday. His sweet kisses trailing down my neck, his strong arm around me as we walked through the crowd, the smell of his cologne, and the sound of his deep laugh. I only allow my mind to recall all the good moments of that fateful night. I refuse to allow it to venture any further; to where my world was shattered.
Life slowly got back to normal after his death. Well normal isn’t the best word; it was more bearable with less random breakdowns on my part.
My son and I had finally progressed back into the swing of things. I had to return to my job two months after Jake’s funeral, and I was thankful that Jaxon was at an age where he understood what happened, but he still didn’t fully grasp it emotionally.
I was so proud of him, and I knew Jake would be as well. He was behaving great in school and had even started playing football. I welcomed the distraction just as much as he did. Jaxon is the only reason I’ve been able to make it through this last year in one piece. He is all that I have left that is so dear in my life. Well, him and my best friend Mallory.
I call Mallory my ‘fun-sized’ friend. Why? Because that’s what she is. She’s all of five foot nothing, super skinny, blonde shoulder length hair, pretty blue eyes and full of spunk. I don’t know if it is to compensate for her lack of height, but you can always count on her wearing a pair of killer heels. No matter what her task for the day was, heels were always a part of her attire. I just love that about her as it adds to her fun loving spirit. She’d do anything for me and I would do anything for her. Well except attempt to play matchmaker for her again.
I found out with great regret that I’m not any better at picking men out for her than she is for herself. She seriously has the worse luck with guys. I used to think she had a flashing light that said ‘Jerks Welcome’ above her head. But bless her heart, it’s not her fault the guys she dates turn out to be complete douche bags. I really want to see her happy, for her to find Mr. Right; not the Mr. Right-whenever-and-where-ever-I want-to-bang-you-at-this-very-second.
I did set her up with one of Jake’s best friends once. Good ole Dylan. We all went to Eureka Springs for Memorial weekend a couple of years back. I was slightly skeptical that they might not mesh well, but boy was I wrong. They hit it off all right. They hit it in the bed, in the pool, on the balcony, in the shower, yada yada yada. The places were endless. Yep, talk about some good old fashioned chemistry right there, but as soon as we got back home he bailed on her, high and dry. The jackass definitely put a kink on my previous thoughts of him actually being a good man, the type of man who was looking for more than just a party in his pants.
Typical guy. I’m not one to stereotype all guys into one collective category, but the more I see the kind that are lurking around Mallory, it’s hard not to. That’s one thing I was so thankful for when Jake was alive. I never had to worry about him being a creeper behind my back.
From that moment on, I vowed to never attempt to make any more love connections for her. It is obvious that I’m not that little plump S.O.B. people call Cupid. Even though their weekend rendezvous ended rather abruptly and without any explanation, Mallory wasn’t knocked off her A Game. She always has guys lining up to date her. I know she aches to find the man of her dreams and to be loved and cherished, but until then she is perfectly content living life in the present and just having fun until he miraculously emerges, seizing her heart in the process.
The moment I needed her Mallory most, she dropped everything including her love life, or more like sex life, to be by my side. Mallory was my safe haven for the first few months after losing Jake. Besides trying to keep my spirits lifted and being a shoulder to cry on whenever I needed it, she also helped fill the position that I couldn’t fully do obligate of being a. I had my mother to lean on as well, but I only called on her when Mallory wasn’t around. We weren’t exactly on the best of terms at the time of Jake’s death, so I mainly called her to help with Jaxon more than to help with me. My mother never cared for Jake and I never knew why. When I was younger we had many fights about it which ended up pushing me into his arms even more instead of pulling me away from him like she had hoped. It’s sad that I let it come between our mother/daughter relationship, but I was young, dumb, and in love. The heart wants what the heart wants.
We both have yearned to fix what had been broken so long ago, but it wasn’t until Jake’s passing that the opportunity had become likely. My mother was eager to fully claim her right as a grandmother and was willing to help me with Jaxon this past year. She knew I couldn’t bear for him to see me so emotion
al. I truly wanted him to know it was okay to be happy again. He needed to know we are supposed to keep moving on with life. That’s why I had saved my grieving for the nights; it helped me cope with losing my husband. I had to get it out somehow since I was always putting up a front to maintain daily life. The only time there was to really let it all out was at night; when my son wasn’t around to hear me let go of what I kept buried within. It was a great release especially with Mallory there being my support system.
She refused to let me be alone at night, knowing that would be the hardest part for me. I haven’t been able to sleep in our bed—my bed, since Jake died. Being alone and without him sharing the bed with me, tore up my heart. Just the thought of sleeping in that bed was torture. Maybe I should just get a new one. That idea had crossed my mind more than I cared for it to. Plus, the thought of getting rid of anything that reminded me of him seemed sinful on my part. Like I just wanted to get him out of my life and forget all about him. Who am I kidding? He is gone from my life; he has been for a year now. But to forget about the only man I have ever truly loved would be impossible. That’s why I’ve been sleeping in the guest room; I rarely even go in our old room.
Too many memories, memories I’m not ready to re-visit just yet. Unless I want to spend the whole day curled up in a ball crying my eyes out, only adding to what feels like endless heart ache. Maybe one day I’ll be able to face everything I keep myself shut off from. Everything that reminds me of Jake.
Maybe one day I’ll even be able to fully enjoy life again. For that reason I tried to take Mallory’s advice about getting back into the dating scene and it hasn’t worked out so well.
Honestly, none of the guys that she has introduced me to struck my interest. They might have been attractive, but looks only get you so far in life and having good looks doesn’t mean they are a great person with a winning personality. So for the most part I just don’t go out; unless you consider dinner every so often and a movie with your best friend as going out. That has been the extent of my so called social life. I’ve been trying to get by with just going through the motions day by day for the last year. It’s starting to get old. I want to be my old self again, to be happy and smiling, with love filling my heart back up. I want to keep pressing forward and to get past the hardest year of my life; I want to go out with my friends and have fun again, but that’s easier said than done. I’m not interested in finding a man, or hooking up with anyone right now, or maybe ever.
Of course, I don’t mind having guy friends; hell, I’ll even flirt with a random hot guy if I’m in the right situation, but to actually be interested in the male species sounds foreign to me. I feel as if I am betraying my husband, but I have to remind myself he is no longer here with me.
Anyways, here I am today, one year since my world literally was crashing down around me. As I’m getting ready I mentally kick myself for agreeing to participate in career day for Jaxon’s class.
“Really Jesika, what were you thinking?” I mumble to myself as I straighten my hair, wondering why in the world I’m even straightening my hair. I shouldn’t care how I look to a bunch of kids. It’s not like they really care if my hair is straight or not.
Besides throwing my hair up into something that somewhat resembles a messy bun, I rarely do anything with it these days. I definitely don’t put my face on anymore, I haven’t felt the need to get all dolled up since there wasn’t anyone I was interested in impressing. I figure since I’m already stepping out of the box by doing my hair, I should go ahead and put some light make-up on. I keep it simple by putting a light coat of shimmery beige eye shadow with some eyeliner and a touch of mascara, and I complete my look with light pink lip gloss.
It’s absolutely amazing how so little can go so far. I look like a different person; it almost makes me wonder if I’ve looked like the walking dead for past last year. I already feel somewhat better with just a little bit of make-up on. I throw on my cute brown and pink tiger scrub top with pink pants that match and head to the living room where Mallory is sitting.
“Hey, do you think this is kid friendly enough?” I ask. Knowing that today would be rough for me she came over to keep me company and actually managed to talk me into going out with her tonight. I was extremely apprehensive at first, but I know it will kill me to sit at home reliving the worst night of my life. So I agreed.
“Of course it is. Scrubs are scrubs hun and there’s not much you can do with them,” she answers me with a quick glance from top to bottom. “Jesika, I know your looks are naturally goddess worthy and all, even when you think you look like crap, but damn, I’m pretty sure you put freaking models to shame with just what little you did, rrraaaawr.” She adds the sound effect and claws her hands towards me.
I shake my head. “Mallory, that’s exactly why I love you. You willingly give me compliments without me ever having to fish them out. Now that’s true friendship right there.” I walk over to embrace her.
She is the most amazing best friend ever. I desperately want to see her happy and I know she desperately wants to see me happy again. I’m working on it and I think today is a big step in the right direction seeing that I just did something I haven’t attempted to do in the past year.
“I love you too boo!” she squeals. “I’m so excited you’re finally letting me take you out. The concert is going to rock, especially since The Rifters will be one of the bands playing, plus it will be outside. You know outside concerts are the best. They’re more liberating instead of feeling all claustrophobic and trapped inside a venue and the smell in those places, just nasty.” Mallory shudders as if she could actually smell it and I laugh at her.
However, she is right. I have always preferred outside concerts as opposed to an inside venue. I haven’t seen The Rifters play in what feels like forever. The last time had been with Jake, but they’re one of my favorite local bands. I really feel like this will be good for me. Plus, I owe Mallory for everything she has done and still does for me. A girls night out will do us some good.
I kiss Mallory on the cheek and off I go. I make it to Jax’s school with a good ten minutes to spare. After parking my car in the front lot, I take a deep breath and make my way towards the front doors. I receive a few sympathetic looks as I’m signing myself in at the front office.
“Good morning Mrs. Reynolds. I take it you’re here for career day?” The assistant principal asks me, and I nod my head as I sign my name.
“Mr. Adams, please call me Jesika, and yes, I’m here to bore the kids to death.” I roll my eyes with a smile.
“Well Jesika, you must call me Todd then,” he says with a wink in my direction. I give him a polite smile and we both laugh at a little joke he tells me. His joke isn’t funny by any means, but I feel like being generous because I don’t want to wound his manly pride. We say our goodbyes and I head to Jaxon’s class.
As I get to the classroom, I peek in the door to see a man in the front of the class wearing a very nice black business suit. Huh, he must be a lawyer or something, I think to myself. I ease my way to the back to wait my turn.
I see my son and give him a little wave. I’m not sure if he’s at the stage yet where that simple gesture could make him uncool, but he smiles and waves back, which I love because it means he’s not embarrassed by me—yet. Just wait until I’m done with my ‘brush and floss your teeth, kids’ speech I’ve prepared and passing out toothbrushes. He might be running for cover then.
I already know I’ll do everything in my power to not inflict any humiliation towards my son as he’s growing up. Being fatherless is going to be tough enough. The little kids’ clapping snaps me back to reality, also making me nervous all of a sudden. I’ve never liked speaking in front of a crowd and it’s a whole different ballgame with kids. You have to work extra hard to capture their attention and you also can’t use the advice you always hear about what to do while giving a speech. There is no picturing them in their underwear and since my name isn’t Chester, there are no worries h
ere.
I take a deep breath and walk up to the front of the class. I tell them my name and that I’m Jaxon’s mom and then I start my small speech I prepared. Don’t know why I was so nervous. The kids laugh at my jokes as I pretend to brush my teeth and gag.
I’m about half way through handing out the toothbrushes when the classroom door opens. I don’t pay any attention since I’m ready to be done just as much as these kids are ready for me to be done. They clap for me and I make my way over to tell Jaxon goodbye. I kneel down to remind him that his grandma is picking him up and he’s staying the night at her house. That seems to instantly give me cool points by the beaming smile on his face.
Score.
Jaxon loves his grandma. They have become rather close since Jake’s death. My mother and I have been slowly mending our relationship as well.
As I stand and turn around, my heart instantly drops to the pit of my stomach as a rush of memories from that night start flashing through my mind. It’s mostly sounds that hit me—hard, with lots of sirens. I shut my eyes as I grip a desk and hold on as I recollect seeing Jake’s lifeless body being pulled out of the car, while someone else was frantically pulling on me, trying to get me out. ‘I’ve got you now.’ ‘You’re going to be okay.’ Are the words I remember being spoken to me while the only word I could say was ‘Jake’. I’m pretty sure I was screaming it, or at least I was in my mind. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital, with no Jake by my side, or in my life.
I get control of my breathing and open up my eyes as I come back to the now and lock eyes with the man dressed up in the firefighter uniform. I shake my head with a smile to break eye contact and quickly grab my things to rush out of the classroom.
Once in the hallway, I rest my back against the wall and let out a huge breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
What to Read After FSOG: The Gemstone Collection (WTRAFSOG Book 3) Page 57