I hear Derek calling my name as he’s walking after me. “Jes…wait…please. What did you mean?” I see Seth take off in his direction and I can’t help but look back. It’s like I have no control of my head. Seth is standing in front of Derek and Victoria is walking up to him from behind. Derek is staring at me with pleading eyes, but Seth gives his shoulders a shake to get his attention.
“Dude, Derek. Did you hear me?” he says.
My head rights itself in the correct direction as I hear Seth telling Derek to just let me go for the night, something about giving me some space to sort everything out. I hear the tramps whiney voice as we round the corner heading towards the exit door.
Even though I’m walking, I feel like my soul is running for the door. I know what’s on the other side of it and I can’t get there fast enough. As soon as the chilled air hits my face I bend over with my hands on my knees and just let it out. I have no clue if anyone is around because I didn’t take the time to check out my surroundings. I don’t even care, knowing that the reason I’m upset in the first place is still inside. I feel Mallory rubbing my back and attempting to move the hair out of my face that keeps falling back down as soon as she swipes it back. She’s talking too, but I’m in my own little world that I can’t hear anything she says.
I have so many emotions running wild right now that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tame them. The one that stands out the most is confusion. Out of all the emotions running through me, it makes the most sense because it represents everything I’m feeling. I’m confused on how I’m supposed to feel right now. I’m confused as to where this leaves me and Derek. Knowing the bomb that Victoria is about to drop on him, I’m betting I’m not the only one who will be feeling confused. That’s if she tells him.
Shit.
I should have told him. What if she doesn’t? Oh god, I can’t take that chance of Derek continuing his life not knowing the truth even though he held out on me. It’s not eye for a freaking eye. He deserves to know no matter how pissed off I am at him.
Shooting straight up, I wipe off my tear-streaked face and hair that is sticking to it and I turn to go back towards the door.
Mallory grabs my elbow. “What the hell Jes? What do you think you’re doing?” Not moving my elbow from her hand I turn my head around towards her.
“I have to tell him Mallory. I can’t risk the chance that she won’t fess up the truth to him.”
“No. You owe him nothing! Do you hear me? NOTHING! Did you happen to forget that asshat has been sitting on the fact that Jake cheated on you? And who knows how long he’s known.” She yells at me while releasing my elbow.
“God Jesika, who cares what she tells him? Let them lie to each other.” I know she’s right. I know she’s only thinking of what’s best for me, but my damn confused feelings almost don’t care what is right at the moment.
We both stand silent with our backs to each other before I finally let out a breath I’ve been holding and turn away from the door. Heading towards the direction of where I left my car I pause next to Mallory. “You ready to get out of here?”
She takes the hand I offer her. “Hell yes I’m ready!”
My days slowly creep by while the pain roots itself deep within. After losing Jake I learned how to be a master at disguises. For the most part, after the initial pain subsided, I could look like I was getting along just fine, but it was the complete opposite. He was my rock; I had depended on him for so long, that I felt lost and alone when he was gone. It’s not like he was always around when he was alive since his crazy job required him to travel a lot, but still, knowing he’d never walk through our front door again, never sleep in our bed again, ate at my soul for quite some time.
It’s not that Derek brought me out of that depression I had found myself in, but he helped me pull myself the rest of the way out. He made me want to give this crazy thing we call life my full attention again. Take chances, live a little, free fall, take a leap of faith, put yourself out there for the chance of getting it ripped to shreds. Put your heart on the line with the hopes that someone won’t leave it there to wither away.
Now look at where I am after doing all that bullshit? I’m not back to square one, but I’m somewhere I’d rather not be. I’d rather not be wearing a mask in front of everyone, pretending to be fine, while balling my eyes out at night and pigging out on chocolate with Mallory. Once again she comes to the rescue.
“Honey, I know it’s only been two weeks since that night, but maybe you should go out with me. It might help get your mind off of him, and hell, you never know if you might meet someone else.”
She must be smoking something. She knows there’s always been something different about him than any other man for me to take such an interest in him so quick. She knows that’s not like me at all and that I had actually despised the idea of having any kind of male companionship before he sat next to me that first day.
“Screw that Mal. You know I don’t want to go mingle with men. I’m done with the male species for a while. I just need to focus on Jaxon and work.” Yep, that’s all I need to be happy, right?
“Well, when you’re ready to quit hiding from life, yet again, let me know. Until then we will continue with our True Blood marathon. Pretty sure hot vamps cure everything.” She might be onto something.
This whole experience with Derek has made me realize that I do need to start confronting all things revolving around Jake that I have been avoiding. Meaning our room. I need to do it for closure. I need to start sleeping in my room again, our bed, my bed again. I had really debated donating the damn thing, but it’s a really nice bed that I loved the moment I spotted it as we were walking passed the strip of furniture stores, window shopping as newlyweds.
Reminiscing on all of our pleasant memories makes it easier as I go through our room packing up his stuff. It’s taken a year and a half to have the strength to do this, but I can’t believe how much of a relief this is. It’s like a heavy burden is lifting away more and more with each box I fill. I separate his stuff up between stuff going to Goodwill, meaning his clothes, and then keeping everything that’s personal and just anything that Jaxon might want when he’s older. Which will mainly be all his MMA stuff and his football cards he collected as a child. I can only imagine the value they hold now.
The hardest part of the whole Derek thing is the fact that I haven’t heard from him. Not one fucking word. My sadness is starting to turn into anger, which is more welcome at this point. It’s been close to a month, and you’d think he’d at least send me a text or something. I know he’s on tour, but damn. Did I mean absolutely nothing to him? I’ve had the urge to call him up a million times, I have had his number dialed and last minute chicken shitted out. I don’t want to come across as some desperate chick.
I am not one of the typical rock and roll groupies; I don’t have time for that shit or the games it entails. To keep myself from pushing call in a moment of weakness, I decide to delete his number. That’s the only way I know for a fact I won’t call because I never memorized it. Plus, the way I see it, is if he wanted me, he’s known my number and he has had more than enough chances to call me.
Time for me to move on.
Chapter Eighteen
Derek
Heading out of town right after all the shit hit the fan between me and Jes fucking sucked. I hated leaving shit that way. I hated that in that absolute moment, I couldn’t even run after her. Hell, I wanted to. I wanted to so damn bad. Seth could read my intentions a mile way, and when he had shot me a sympathetic glare, I knew that in that moment I had to trust my brother yet again. It’s getting a little old having to trust him when dealing with Jesika, but I knew he most likely knew something I wasn’t aware of. Just like with everything else he always knows. I swear he must be a fucking Magnum P.I. or something.
Everything dealing with Victoria usually stems back to money in some shape or form. So, after being front and center to the news of being asked to fill in the
for the rest of the tour, which I didn’t plan on being a part of, she told me the only way she’d stay away from Emma was if I let her go with us. There were so many fucking times I wanted to pack up my shit and hitchhike home, but Seth would kindly remind me of the bimbo attached to my hip that was threatening to rock my world.
So that alone kept me put. Being on tour with the boys of Black Falcon and the other openers was amazing. It truly was a childhood dream come true, but the fact that I had a black cloud looming over my head with every step I took made me start to dread the whole ‘band thing’. For the most part, Vicky stayed tucked under members of the other bands we were on tour with. The drugs are pretty rampant out here on the road, so for the most part she’s oblivious to me. It’s sad to see what she’s allowed drugs to do to her. She’s just a shell now. The Victoria I once knew and loved has left the building.
Will the real Victoria please stand up!
Every damn night after our show the first thing I want to do is call Jes. I wanted her to be a part of this. I had my phone in my now sweaty palm with my finger hovering above the call button when Victoria walked off the other bands tour bus and started walking towards me.
“Calling someone special?” she asks with an amused tone.
“What do you know about being special?” I seethe.
She bends down right in front of me and I have a perfect view up her skirt. As soon as I see it I jerk my eyes away, but it wasn’t fast enough. She had this look on her face as if she had caught me with my hand in the cookie jar. She’s so far off base it isn’t even funny. I wouldn’t let any body part of mine get caught in that snatch. Not even my eyes. I’m sure my pupils would be burned from the inside out.
“Well, I thought what we had before was special and that I was special to you.” She pouts.
“You have some fucking nerve. After all these years you still think that you out of all people are special. Just because things you do these days you consider to be your specialties, doesn’t qualify you as being a special person. Sorry to break your heart dear.”
She stands up in a defensive pose, “You don’t have to try to hurt my feelings Derek. Do you not think I care. That I didn’t hurt. I left you and our daughter.” I laugh. The verdict is still out on that one. But like hell I’m going to bring it up. She will not use Emma against me anymore than she already is.
“You’re right. I’m sure you’ve been crying yourself to sleep in a different mans bed every night for the last six years now because of how heartbroken you are.” I stand up and don’t even try to keep from bumping into her shoulder as I pass her.
“What the fuck did you want me to do Derek? Did you want me to stay around and be a piece of shit mom?”
I turn around and walk back to her, getting right up in her face, “No, I’m pretty fucking sure you did a good job at that when you took off without a fucking word.”
“I had my reasons,” she whispers.
“I’m sure you did.” I turn back around.
“I still love you.” I hear her heels on the pavement as she tries to catch up with me.
This bitch has some nerve and I cannot control my phone as I throw it where it connects with the side of the bus. I don’t have to see it to know that it’s broke. I played baseball for fuck’s sake and was a pitcher for a couple years. That wasn’t a gentle toss…it was a fucking strike. At least I won’t have the temptation to call Jesika anymore.
“You love the idea.” I turn to face her while trying to drive my point in with full force. “All you love is yourself. Actually, you don’t even fucking love yourself. Just look at yourself.” She looks down to scan her body. “You have no self-respect for yourself. You put out for your next fix and for the fuck of putting out. Maybe going through guys like you go through money makes you feel special or cared for, but in reality you are so far from anything real. And honey, you lost the best fucking thing you EV-ER had.” I poke my finger in her chest. She has tears running down her face and I turn and walk to the bus door. Two steps into the bus I poke my head back out to where she is still standing, “Do us both a favor, Emma and I that is, and forget we even exist.”
I haven’t seen Vicky since the night in the parking lot and it’s been a fucking breath of fresh air. Even though I know she’s around, it’s like a weight has been lifted off of me. Maybe it’s the fact that I was finally able to release some of the pent up anger I’ve held in for her the past six years. That shit can really take a toll on someone, especially if there’s never any closure with it. Well, I just closed that bitch down. Hopefully.
The only way this whole experience can even be an incredible one, would be for me to share it with Jesika. I know she’d be so happy for me. The fact that I have to share this with the egg donor Victoria, keeps it from being a dream come true. The whole idea of my world being 1500 miles away is killing me.
Yes, I miss Emma, but damn if the distance between me and Jes isn’t eating me alive. I can’t even call and tell her what’s up because A. My phone is kaputz and B. Now that we’ve been gone for two weeks, I might as well just wait it out. So, much to say and it needs to be dealt with face to face. One more thing for her to hold over my head. Fuck that shit. I decided that day I let Jes walk out after our concert that I would protect my own, no matter the cost or how bad it fucking hurts. I just hate that I’m also hurting her in the process. I hope that after it’s all said and done, I can win her back. Maybe she’ll let me explain.
Hopefully.
I’ve had Seth keeping slight tabs on her by means of her best friend Mallory. I know she hates me now as well, but I’m hoping that Seth can work some of his magic and smooth the rough edges I left back at home.
Here we are now, two hundred miles to go until we are back in town. Back home and back to life as I knew it. I’m really excited to see Emma. I’ve never been away from her for longer than a weekend. I know she’s in excellent hands with my mom, but damn it’s still a crazy feeling. I don’t know what I’d ever do without her. The thought of Victoria trying to take her away from me leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Like she could fucking take care of her.
Seth takes the empty seat next to me causing me to take my eyes off the boring flat landscape that I’ve been staring out the window at for the past hour.
“What are you thinking about over here?” He asks as if he has no damn clue.
I release a heavy sigh and stretch my legs out. They are getting tired from this long damn drive. “Oh you know, same shit, different day. I’m nervous as hell as to what’s going to happen when we get home.”
Seth doesn’t reply right away. Which I know means he’s in deep thought, and actually probably has some pretty fucking good ideas going on in that mind of his. He is a seriously deep dude. I love that about him. I know that he would never screw me over and that’s what’s kept me somewhat sane for the past month. But I can’t help the nerves that are growing with each mile marker we pass. They only indicate I’m getting closer by the mile to the situation that I’m going to have to dive into head first if I want to win back the woman that has my heart, even though right now I’m responsible for breaking hers. I fucking hate that.
“Don’t worry Derek, you’ll get her back. Even if I have to help, it will all work out.” He reassures me by patting my knee before he tries to lighten the mood. “You guys being together is like written in the stars or some shit anyways.”
I’ve always felt that was true, as cliché as it sounds. But sometimes there are cosmic events that happen and cause beautiful things that were maybe meant to be to all of a sudden be nonexistent. Victoria happens to be my cosmic event.
My mother had agreed to stay at our house to watch Emma while we were gone on tour. Her new military husband was away on some form of training, so she was more than happy to help and to see her granddaughter. So, I call my mom telling her we were going to be getting in late and she informs me that she let her stay the weekend with her friend because she didn’t know for sure when we’d mak
e it back. Well, that might work out for my benefit. That is if Jesika will even let me explain. I want to tell her everything; no more secrets. It’s time she knows everything. She deserves it; I just hope she gives me the fucking time to tell her.
Who knows, by now she could have found someone else. It has been a fucking month since I have even talked to her. God, how I hate Vicky and her scandalous ways. She’s going to end up dead one day if she doesn’t change her ways, and I’m having a really hard time fucking caring if that even happens. Does that make me a bad person?
Pulling into the packed parking lot, I know that I really need a drink. I’m a fucking bundle of nerves right now, and after the two day drive home, I need to just unwind for a bit before rushing straight to Jesika.
Who am I kidding?
I already did try to fucking call her and even drove by her house when she didn’t answer. That’s the real reason why I need a drink. My mind is going crazy with all the fucking possibilities as to where she could be, or who she could be with.
I told Seth I would meet him here when we were getting ready at home. Gave him the excuse that I wanted to have my truck just in case I got a hold of Jesika or I wanted to leave before him. Which would be because I didn’t get a hold of her and would need to come home to fucking sulk like a chick about it. He knows how I feel about this woman. I think he’s just as determined to win her back for me as I am. Now that’s brotherly commitment right there. It’s probably the fact that he thinks at least one of us should be happy. He refuses to ever let himself. I hope one day someone comes into his life that opens up his senses again and shows him the gamble is worth the gain.
Seth is standing with his back against the side of the outer wall waiting for me. I’m surprised as shit that he hasn’t already made himself comfortable inside with his new found rocker status and all. That’s something I am dreading. I’m not looking forward to the flock of people that we are about to throw ourselves to. The last thing I want to do is make small talk, or act like I care what these people are going to be saying. My mind is fucking elsewhere.
What to Read After FSOG: The Gemstone Collection (WTRAFSOG Book 3) Page 68