by Alison Bliss
His words were thrown at me like a hard punch in the gut, and although my stomach tightened in effort to protect itself, it didn’t work. I was hurt. “You’re right, Seth. You did tell me you were leaving from the beginning. And I appreciate your honesty.”
“But?”
“But for my own sake, I can’t keep having sex with you without any form of commitment. It’s confusing and someone’s going to get hurt.” In other words, me.
“So you’re saying you’re withholding sex?”
I shook my head. “It’s not withholding if we aren’t in a committed relationship.”
His eyes narrowed. “What the hell would you call it, then?”
I shrugged one tense shoulder. I didn’t like his tone, nor did I appreciate his attitude. “It’s called turning down an offer. I don’t owe you anything.”
“So you’re saying you aren’t interested?”
Irritation swept through me, but I tamped it down while trying to keep my cool. “No, what I’m saying is that I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to be with me in any meaningful way. I don’t care to be used for sex like some kind of a brood mare.”
He blinked rapidly. “How the hell have I used you? You knew what this was in the beginning. And I wasn’t the only one getting off.”
I raised my hand. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it like that. I know you haven’t treated me like that. And I’m just as much to blame for all of this as you are. But as usual I’m trying to be honest about how I feel.”
He shook his head. “Oh, give me a fucking break. You haven’t been as honest as you pretend to be. Otherwise, you would’ve told me why you won’t take off your clothes.”
I cringed internally, but said, “What are you talking about? I’ve been half naked in front of you numerous times.”
“Exactly. Half naked. But when I try to remove them completely, you stop me.”
“What’s the point? It’s not like it really matters.” Especially now.
“Oh, it matters all right. You’re holding back.”
“Yeah right. I’m the one holding back. How do you figure?”
“I tried to take your dress off when we were having sex on the picnic table. You stopped me.”
“I was…cold. A storm was coming in.”
He rolled his eyes, not believing that lie for one second. “Right. And what about when we were in the barn? After the first round, I tried to undress you then, too. Again, you stopped me.”
“Because it wasn’t necessary to take off all my clothes for a quickie.”
He leaned forward. “Since when the hell is four straight hours of sex called a quickie?” He shook his head. “Come on, Bobbie. Why don’t you just admit the truth? You won’t let your guard down with me. At least not completely.”
“Well, maybe that’s because you won’t tell me about your past. Have you ever thought of that?”
Seth glared at me but said nothing. No matter what I said or did, he wasn’t going to be honest about whatever dark secret lay hidden beneath his tightly woven layers.
“Look, if you aren’t interested in more than a sexual relationship, that’s fine. But I just can’t do it anymore. I need to be with a man who wants more than that. Someone who loves me. Someone who loves my son and can be a daddy to Austin. And I want to have more children…maybe even a little girl this time.” When he didn’t reply right away, I took the liberty of answering for him. “But you clearly don’t want the same thing.”
Seth lowered his head, neither confirming nor denying the charge. “I’m sorry. But like I told you before, that guy can’t be me. There is no us, and we don’t have a future together. It can’t happen.” He sighed, releasing a hard breath. “But it’s not you, okay? It’s me.”
I rolled my eyes as anger swept through me. “You’re really going to use that tired line on me?”
“It’s not a line. It’s the truth.” His hand fisted on the table. “Damn it, Bobbie. I’m a drifter. I don’t stay in one place long. I never have. And I’m not even close to being husband or father material. I wish things were different but they aren’t. It’s just…the way things have to be. I’m sorry if I ever made you think any different, but I’ll be leaving in two weeks.”
I drew in a sharp breath. “Two weeks?”
He nodded. “Yes. I think a clean break would be best for all of us.”
My eyes misted over, but I blinked away the moisture. I couldn’t lose it now. “That’s fine,” I told him, my brittle voice laced with sadness. “But I need to tell you one last thing. I was supposed to start my period last week and didn’t.”
His golden eyes widened, and he blinked in shock. “Are you saying you’re pregnant…with my baby?”
Damn it. The look of sheer terror on his face spoke volumes, and a tear leaked from my eye, landing on my cheek. I dashed it away. “No. I took a pregnancy test yesterday. It was negative. You have nothing to worry about.”
“Are you sure?”
That comment sent me over the edge, and I rose from my chair. “If you don’t believe me, you can ask Junior. He was there, and he saw the results for himself. But you don’t have to worry about anything, Seth. Before you leave, I’ll take another one to show you. Trust me, you won’t leave here with anything on your conscious.” I stormed toward the hallway, not sure if I was mad at him or myself.
A strangled sound of aggravation left his throat. “Damn it, Bobbie. Wait.”
I paused in the doorway long enough to glance back over my shoulder. “It’s okay, Seth. Thank you for your honesty. Seriously. I don’t want to waste any more of my time with the wrong person. You just showed me that you aren’t the man I thought you were.”
Then I left the room.
Chapter Sixteen
I’d spent the entire week avoiding Seth as much as possible.
That was fairly easy to do when I was at work. But it was a different story whenever I was at home, seeing how we were still living under the same roof. But so far, I’d managed to keep my head down in passing and had spent a lot of time gazing elsewhere across the dinner table just to keep our eyes from accidentally connecting.
I didn’t want him to know how badly he hurt me. So instead, I chose to be angry and go on living my life as if he hadn’t meant anything to me. I’d even done something that I hadn’t expected. In a feeble attempt to get over Seth, I’d decided to try my hand at dating again.
When an old friend called and asked if I’d be interested in going on a blind date with one of her male friends, who lived in the next town over, I readily accepted and had her pass my phone number along to the unknown man. He’d called earlier in the week and we had set up a dinner date for tonight, since it was Friday and Austin would be staying with Jeremy over the weekend.
Seth had walked into the kitchen the other day when I was making the date with Tim over the phone, so I knew damn well that he was aware of it. Though he still hadn’t said a single word about it all week.
Junior had said that his nephew was in love with me, and I thought there was hope for something more. But Seth’s silence had showed me that he hadn’t really given a damn about me, after all. Not in any way that truly mattered.
When my date had arrived to pick me up, Seth was nowhere to be found. Which had probably been a good thing. Though I’d mentioned to Tim that I had a temporary roommate—more for Seth’s benefit, than Tim’s—I didn’t really want them to meet. Otherwise Tim would surely pick up on the tension hovering so thickly between Seth and I. But that wouldn’t last for much longer, seeing how he was leaving in a little more than a week.
Unfortunately, halfway through dinner with Tim, I realized that my heart just wasn’t into the dating scene anymore. So I did the polite thing and bided my time throughout the evening, offered to pay for my own dinner, and then asked if he could take me home.
Tim seemed okay with the idea until we pulled into my driveway and he realized I wasn’t inviting him inside. That was when he
decided to try to kiss me in his car. I hadn’t expected it, since he’d been a perfect gentleman throughout the evening. But this guy was suddenly coming on strong and being overly persistent. Annoyingly so.
I immediately pushed him away from me and got out of the car, saying a very firm good night through the open window before marching inside the dimly lit house. I wasn’t sure if Seth was already in bed or what, but I’d barely made it into the kitchen when the phone rang.
As I was taking off the high heels that were killing my aching feet, I reached over and hit the speaker phone button. “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Tim. I just wanted to apologize if I did something wrong. I hate to say it, but I’m not very good at this whole dating thing.”
Yeah, me neither. “It’s fine. It’s just not going to work out between us. I don’t think I’m looking for the kind of relationship you’re clearly wanting. Good night,” I said cheerily, ending the call before he could respond.
I sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and breathed a sigh of relief, though I didn’t know if it was because I was glad to be out of the shoes or happy that Tim was now out of my life for good. Dating sucked.
A noise came from behind me, and I spun to see Seth standing in the kitchen doorway next to the phone on the nearby counter. He nodded at it. “Who’s the tool?”
“That was Tim,” I said, my spine stiffening in his presence. “My date.”
The phone rang again and Seth hit the speaker phone button before I could even get out of my chair. “Hello?” he answered.
I glared at Seth.
There was a slight pause on the line before Tim said, “Hey, this is Tim, Bobbie’s date. You must be the roommate she mentioned. Seth, right?”
“Yeah, that’s me,” Seth said, pushing the button to end the call.
My eyes widened. “What the hell are you doing? That call wasn’t for you.”
Seth smirked. “Sure it was. He didn’t ask to speak to you.”
The phone rang again almost immediately, and I jumped out of the chair. But Seth pushed the speaker phone button again before I could get to it. “Hello?” he answered.
Tim was on the line again. “Hey, I think we got disconnected or something.”
“Yeah, we did,” Seth agreed, hanging up on him again.
I scowled at him. “You didn’t have to do that to him. What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t have any right. It’s not your place.”
“Like hell it isn’t. You’re my—”
“I’m your what?” I asked, my brow arching.
The phone rang again, and Seth immediately lifted it to his ear. “Fuck you, Tim. Lose the number.” Then he slammed the receiver down.
I crossed my arms. “You’re a jackass.”
His eyes narrowed. “Maybe so. But do you know how much I resent the thought of another man putting his hands on you? I saw that jerk-off pawing at you outside in the car.”
“Damn you, Seth. Now you’re spying on me?”
“I don’t share my woman with anyone,” he announced with the primitive possessiveness and heated eyes of a warrior.
I groaned in contempt. “Well, since we aren’t together, then it doesn’t look like there’s anything here that belongs to you. Therefore, I’ll do whatever I damn well please.”
Something deep and intense flashed in his dark eyes. Something feral. But he blew out a hard breath and ran his fingers through his black hair. “Goddamnit. We need to talk about this. About us.”
I crossed my arms. “There is no us. Remember? Those were your words, not mine. That’s the way you wanted this to be.” There was an empty ache inside of me. I wanted to cry. I could feel the sobs building in my chest, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing any tears fall. Not again.
“Well, I was wrong.”
I shook my head adamantly. “No, actually, I think you had it right all along.”
His golden eyes narrowed. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I’m tired of trusting the wrong men.”
His lips tugged downward, and his jaw tightened. “Well, that’s because Jeremy—”
“Ha! You think Jeremy is the only one I’m talking about? Hardly. I’ve put up just as many physical and emotional barriers with you as I have with him. Maybe even more so. Jeremy’s always been an ass. But at least he never hid that from me. You, however, have never once bothered to tell me the fucking truth about your past.”
Tears pricked my eyes, and I knew they were coming. I wouldn’t be able to hold them back any longer. So I didn’t wait for him to respond. Instead, I ran past him, went straight to my bedroom, slammed the door, and let the tears fall.
…
A knock sounded from the other side of my bedroom door. “Go away,” I said, sniffling.
Seth opened the door anyway and stepped inside. “No. We need to talk.”
I turned my face into my pillow to keep him from seeing the tears in my eyes. “I don’t have anything to say to you. Now get out.”
“Bobbie, please. I need to tell you the truth about something. It’s important.”
I shook my head. “I don’t care.”
After a long moment of silence, I glanced up to see if he had left. He hadn’t. He was still standing just inside the doorway. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said, coming closer. “At least not until you hear me out.”
Figures. I sat up and ran my fingers under my eyes to wipe away the mascara that was probably making me look like a raccoon. “Fine. Then get on with it. The faster you talk, the faster you leave.”
He sat on the edge of my bed and lowered his head. “I’m not what you think I am.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, trust me, you are. You’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.”
“That’s not what I meant. What I’m trying to say is that I’m no good for you…or Austin.”
“Leave my son out of it. He doesn’t have anything to do with this anymore. It’s between us now.”
He nodded. “All right. Fine.”
I motioned for him to get on with it. “Say whatever you’re going to.”
He sighed. “To start with, I’m not a handyman. Though I do have some carpentry skills, that’s not what I did for a living in the Amazon.”
I blinked at him. “What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“Just listen, okay? I worked for an organization called The Resistance. It was an elite group of ex-military members who didn’t always agree with the way the government officials handled certain affairs.”
“So you were a protester or something?”
“You could say that, I guess. We did protest against the government. We just didn’t do it by marching outside a federal building while thrusting picket signs into the air. Instead, we carried weapons and went out on secret op missions to right the wrongs that the government or law enforcement officials wouldn’t touch.”
Confusion clouded my mind, and I shook my head to clear it. “I don’t understand. Why would you do that?”
“Because I’m a mercenary, Bobbie. Or at least…I was in the past.”
My stomach twisted, and my pulse sped up. “Mercenary? You mean like the soldier of fortune kind?”
He nodded. “Some people call us that.”
“So you were paid money to fight in a foreign war?”
“No. Not like that.”
“But you did illegal things?”
“Yes.”
My eyebrow lifted. “Unethical stuff?”
“On occasion.”
“You killed people?”
His eyes met mine. “Sometimes. When it was necessary.”
“Jesus,” I said, jumping to my feet and pacing across the room. “You’re not a mercenary, Seth.” I turned back to face him. “If you accepted money to kill someone, then that makes you an assassin.”
“No, it wasn’t like that,” he said calmly. “Please just sit down and let me finish explaining.” When I continued to stand
there, he sighed. “I’m not going to hurt you, Bobbie. I swear to God I wouldn’t do anything to harm you.”
I rolled my eyes and sat back down beside him. “God. I’m not scared of you, Seth. Never have been. I never once thought I was in danger of you hurting me. Physically, at least. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have been allowed to stay in the same house with my child.”
“Look, I know all of this probably comes as quite a shock, but I want you to understand it all. The Resistance wasn’t some evil organization. Our motto was ‘questionable missions with favorable outcomes.’ Yes, we blew through international red tape and didn’t always follow the laws of whatever country we were in, but if anything, we considered ourselves as good-deed mercenaries. We helped people.”
“By killing others?”
His mouth drew a grim line. “Our goal was never to kill anyone. It was meant to save lives. But sometimes…well, bad things happened and we had no choice but to protect innocent people who couldn’t defend themselves. Yes, we were paid well because we were risking our lives on every mission. It was hazardous. But it was never about the money. At least not for me, it wasn’t. I thought we were doing what was right.”
“But you aren’t with them anymore?”
“No. That’s all in the past. I retired from that life when I left the Amazon, and I’m not ever going back to it.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. Why? I mean, if you thought what you were doing was so right, then why would you want to stop?”
He hesitated, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “Because my last mission didn’t go down how it was supposed to. It…went wrong.”
“Wrong how?”
He rubbed a hand over his face, something clearly weighing heavily on him. “A former Brazilian politician’s son had been taken hostage by rebels and held captive in the Amazon jungle. They had asked the father for a ransom, but fearing that they wouldn’t hold up their end of the deal and return his son to him, the boy’s father instead hired our organization to find him and bring him home.”
“But you couldn’t find him?”
“No, that wasn’t it. We found the Amazon camp where we believed the kid was being held. But it was daytime, and that complicated matters greatly. The eight rebels had taken over an abandoned outpost that had six small buildings on the settlement with land cleared from all sides. Without the cover of darkness, our team would’ve been easily spotted as we approached, and the rebels would’ve fired on us the moment they realized we were there. That would’ve put the boy in even more danger. I was the team leader on that mission, so it was my call. I had the rest of the crew back way off, while I stayed behind to do some recon.”