“Where are the kids?” Jay asks.
“They’re with their granny tonight,” Shelley says. “We thought we could have a little alone time for the weekend. We get some of that every once and a while, which is nice.”
“Yeah. We don’t have many opportunities to get out these days,” Tyler adds. “And since we both work full-time, we take free nights whenever we can bug our relatives into giving it to us.”
“Oh, as if Granny was so put-out by it,” Shelley says with a chuckle, evoking memories of Melanie in similar moments. It was the sort of banter we fell into. It was a fun game, playing off each other, knowing what the other would say or eagerly awaiting a clever remark.
We chat some more before the potatoes are finished. Shelley and Tyler work together, fixing our plates, laughing together as they distribute the food.
I glance into the kitchen and catch them kissing again.
That’s what Melanie and I went from—loving and playful like Shelley and Tyler to being haunted by the cruel shell of a life that my PTSD left us with. She tried so hard. Fought as much as she could. She wanted to save me. But she couldn’t, and she left because it was too much for her. And just like when I’m transported back to the pain of war, in this moment, I’m transported back to seeing her sad face as she sat beside me on the couch, trying to coax me out of my pain. Trying to help me. But knowing that, just like so many other times, it wouldn’t do any good.
“You okay?” Jay asks.
“I’m fine,” I say, resting my hand on his leg and squeezing.
He sets his hand on mine, and it comforts me, but it also reminds me of what I have to be afraid of. Things are going well now, but like I told Jay, they won’t always be this easy. One day, the darkness will return, a lot worse than this.
I don’t ever want to hurt him the way I hurt Melanie. I can’t watch his eyes dull as he gives up on his own happiness because of my pain. He thinks he knows what he’s signing up for, but he doesn’t. He can’t. He’s seen previews of the stretches that can get so bad and unbearable—and can feel like they might last forever. I’ve been lucky since I’ve known him, but my time is running out because no matter how much help I get or how many pills I take, when it gets bad, it gets so bad. And being here reminds me of how much I could hurt Jay. How much I could let him down.
I won’t ruin his life the way I ruined hers.
“Hey,” Jay says again, pulling me out of my self-destructive thoughts. Feels like I’ve been trapped in them for hours, but it’s just been a few moments. Shelley and Tyler haven’t even brought the food in yet.
He kisses me softly.
I chase the thoughts away. It isn’t easy, but at least as long as I have my sanity…and this beautiful, amazing man, I deserve to enjoy it. I deserve to have happiness for as long as I can cling on to it.
28
Jay
I pull away from our kiss and see the ease in his eyes. Whatever thought had seized his attention—trapped him in the past—has eased up, but it’s still there, playing on his mind. I tighten my grip on his hand to let him know I’m here for him.
Once we start eating, laughing, and chatting, his tension eases up. He even starts joking around, and I’m relieved.
“Orchids are a lot of work,” Reese says to Shelley, pointing to the one in the middle of the table.
“I know, but they’re so pretty. My mom used to be a big gardener, and we had so many of them, so it reminds me of home.”
“Reese has a garden,” I say, hoping the conversation will distract him from the other bullshit he’s dealing with.
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah. Just vegetables.”
“I would love to have a vegetable garden, but I have a hard enough time with the front yard.”
“You do all that yourself?”
Tyler grins. “Yes, she does.”
They start discussing gardening, and I enjoy seeing the light return to Reese’s eyes. Shelley tells a story about a rabbit they had to deal with in her mother’s garden when she was little, and the moment she’s through, I see that Reese is back. It reminds me of when he recovered from that episode he had in the break room.
He just needs time. And help.
When we finish dinner, Tyler fixes us some plates of pecan pie and vanilla ice cream.
“Tyler made the pie,” Shelley says.
“Don’t tell them that,” he insists. “They’ll think less of me at work.” He sets my plate down before me and winks.
“If this pie is half as good as that roast, then it’s great,” I say.
Shelley smiles at my compliment. “Thank you.”
Tyler retrieves his and Shelley’s desserts before setting them down on the table so that we can continue chatting. They tell us the story of how they met, switching up to tell different parts and give the other an opportunity to defend their actions. It’s cute watching them in action, and I imagine Reese and me being like this in the future.
Is it really possible that I could be the lucky guy who gets to be with him? It’s too soon to be thinking that far ahead, but I can’t help it. He’s the first guy I’ve entertained the idea of sharing something more with in so long. The first guy who’s made me want to tear through the barriers I’ve spent years building up so that I can have a future with him.
“Do you guys like bingo?” Shelley asks. “Tyler and I play at a place in Midtown every Tuesday night with some friends. We’d love it if you guys would join us sometime.”
“That’d be nice. This martini is amazing, by the way,” Reese tells Tyler.
“Thank you,” he says, his face pink as he blushes.
“And so was the meal…and this pie,” Reese adds. “This dinner has been wonderful. Thank you for having us over.”
“It’s been our pleasure,” Shelley says. “Just nice to finally get a glimpse into Tyler’s life. He’s never talked about work as much as he does now that Jay’s started working there.”
I’ve never been good at making friends, but I’ve made one in Tyler. And that feels pretty damn good. Things have changed since Reese came into my life. Changed for the better.
We exchange a few more stories before we notice the time and realize we should head out.
“Sorry. We didn’t mean to keep you so long,” Shelley says as she guides us to the door. She’s clearly at ease with us now, and we feel the same way with her and Tyler.
“It wasn’t an issue at all,” Reese replies. “We had a great time.”
“We need to do it again,” I add.
“Oh, for sure,” she says. “We’ll keep in touch with you about bingo night. A bunch of us get together for it, and I think you’d really like them. There are a few other gay guys in the group that I think you’d get along really well with.”
“That would be awesome,” Reese says.
I check the Uber app. I ordered a car about ten minutes ago, and we have about five minutes before it arrives.
We say our goodbyes and then we head out. As we walk down the drive, Reese snatches my hand, holding it tightly. “That was great,” he says.
I turn and see the light in his eyes again. “Yeah, it was.”
“Thank you.”
“What are you thanking me for?”
“For getting me out of my shell. I never would have done this kind of thing in the past—on my own—but being with you makes me want to open my life up more. I don’t want to keep living in a box. I’ve known I shouldn’t be like that for a while, but I keep using work as an excuse to not make any friends or keep my distance with people. You’d think between the group sessions and Laura I’d know better, but this has shown me that I need to start living again.”
“It’s done the same thing for me. Getting to spend time with you has changed me. I’m not that asshole you met. You’ve made me open up the same way. And not just in the bedroom.”
A wicked smirk slips across his face. He must be reflecting on that hot evening last week when I wore those panties.
My dick hardens just thinking about it.
“Maybe we need to get you back in those panties tonight,” he says.
“Ooh. Doesn’t sound like such a bad idea, Reese.” I kiss him softly, but as I pull away, I see that uneasiness return. I can’t imagine why.
He gulps.
“Everything okay?”
“As we were sitting there at first, when I was watching Shelley and Tyler interact, I was thinking about something from my past that I feel like I need to talk to you about.”
I wait for him to go on, but he doesn’t.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s just…someone I hurt a lot. I want to talk to you about it, but I’m not sure I’m ready.”
“Reese, you don’t have to talk to me about anything you’re uncomfortable with. You know that, right?”
“I know. I feel terrible because it’s a part of my life that was so important to me, and it’s like as I try to get away from it, I’m shitting all over it.”
“I can’t judge you for running from your past. That’s how I’ve spent my life.”
He starts to say something, but I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s not ready for this.
“Hey, Reese. You don’t need to do this. We can just have a good night. There’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere.”
He smiles again and kisses me, much more passionately than before.
I’m so fucking lucky.
A car pulls alongside us. That must be our ride.
I pull away, but Reese puts his hand on the back of my head and holds me in place as he continues our kiss.
I surrender, savoring the moment.
29
Reese
I head through the factory, spot-checking some of the maintenance that’s been performed on the annealing machines over the past few weeks. Gotta keep on top of the contractors or they’ll skimp on the work and have to come back out in another few months for something that could have been easily prevented if they’d just done the job right the first time.
As I descend the stairs, heading down into the main warehouse, I spot Jay in a tight-fitting T-shirt, on his knees as he drives a nail into a pallet with a hammer.
“How goes it?” I ask as I approach him. He turns to me, his eyes wide like I surprised him. Sweat rushes down his face. He wipes his forearm across his forehead.
“Hey,” he says. “I’m just reinforcing some of these pallets. Loads of fun, you know?”
“I bet.”
“How about you?”
“Usual shit. The maintenance guys fucked up a few things here and there, but nothing they can’t swing by and fix next week.”
“Lazy motherfuckers.” He rises and glances around.
I know what he wants. A bunch of the guys are in the break room, and William is on the forklift on the other side of the warehouse, so I’m not too concerned about us being caught.
We meet halfway and kiss. It’s tender. Soft. There’s something reassuring within it—the promise that when we need the relief of each other’s touch, it will be freely offered.
A popping sound comes from behind me.
I grab Jay and force him to the ground.
It’s an instinct that sweeps over me in an instant, and suddenly, I hear the sounds of my nightmares—my memories. The explosions. The gunfire. The tension in my chest swells. My adrenaline races. I can hardly figure out where the fuck that sound came from because I’m trapped in the sensations that overtake my body.
I lie flat, my limbs spread out, my hands pressed tight against the concrete floor.
As Jay gets on his knees beside me, he says something, but I can’t hear it over the memory of my commanding officers shouting at us as we worked our way through the labyrinth of corridors in the streets of Fallujah.
The more I scold myself—try to bring myself back to the present—the harder it becomes.
Laura always tells me to relax into it. Fighting only makes it worse. Fighting only increases my anxiety and makes me feel like the thoughts are overtaking me.
I try to concentrate on my breathing, counting to myself. As I start to feel myself coming back, I turn and see Tyler and two other employees heading down the stairs into the warehouse.
Fuck me. Fuck me to hell.
I try to break the spell of the episode, but the stress of knowing the guys are in here, seeing me like this, is too much for me.
“Reese?” Tyler asks as he hurries down.
“Can you just give us a minute, please?” Jay asks.
“Sure, no problem,” Tyler replies. “Come on, guys.” He spreads his arms out in front of them and leads them back upstairs, checking over his shoulder. When they leave, I hear Jay say, “Come on, Reese. Come on.”
He grabs my face and pulls so that I turn to him, looking him in the eyes.
“It’s okay. Everything’s okay. Just look at me.”
It doesn’t shake the physical sensations that lock all the muscles in my body, but the sounds that felt so real to me for an instant disappear into the background and are replaced with the sound of his voice.
“I’m right here, Reese. Right here. Just breathe. Deep breaths.”
I follow his advice, though really, as he continues talking me down, it’s the sound of his voice that guides me back, starts to relieve the tension that grips my body.
It takes some time before I finally take what feels like the first good breath of air that I’ve had since I heard the sound. Jay helps me to my feet, his arm around me. I start to take a step, but my prosthesis doesn’t work right. “Fuck.” My anxiety intensifies.
“What’s wrong?”
“I fucked up the joint on the foot. God-fucking-dammit.”
“I got you.”
I pull away. “No. I can do this.” I limp toward the door. “I have shit in my office. I just need to…”
But the stress my body’s under combined with my leg throwing me off sends me back to the floor.
Fuck.
I haven’t felt so weak…so helpless…so embarrassed in a long time.
I can feel Jay’s gaze on me. “I can do this,” I insist. I crawl to the wall and climb it. I’m about to take another step, but the intensity of my episode and the utter defeat of this moment—being reminded of what a mess I really am—seizes my attention. I burst into tears as I rest my face against the wall, leaning against it for support.
“Reese,” Jay says. I keep my eyes closed. I can’t face him right now.
“Go away,” I say through gritted teeth. “Please.”
“I’m not leaving you like this. Just tell me what you need me to do to help you.”
“I don’t need your help. I can do this. I’ve been doing this long enough by myself.”
“Reese, please.”
I force my eyes open, so he can see how serious I am, but it just releases the tears, which stream down my face.
God, I’m a mess.
“I…can…do this…on my own,” I say, fighting to get the words out.
“But you don’t have to anymore.”
He approaches me and ducks. I don’t realize what he’s doing until he lifts me up and throws me over his shoulder, and I surrender, because it’s never felt so good to have an ally. To not be totally alone in a moment where I feel so helpless.
“God, you’re fucking heavy,” he teases, and I laugh through the tears.
“I fucking hate you,” I say, really meaning the opposite.
“You can let my ass know just how much you hate me later.” But then he becomes serious again, saying, “I got you. I got you.”
And I feel safe in his arms.
He carries me to my office and helps me into the chair behind my desk. He squats beside me before stroking his hand back and forth on my thigh.
“I’m good,” I say as my sense of control over my body returns. He glances around uneasily, like he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do now. “Thank you,” I say quickly to diffuse any uneasiness he’s feeling.
I grab the back of his head, pull him to me, and kiss him. A little more of the tension within me dissolves as I’m absorbed in the ease that always accompanies his kiss.
I pull him close. I need him close. I wish we weren’t at work. I wish this was just another night where we’re lying in bed, clinging to one another after fucking. Holding each other close and gazing into each other’s eyes. Those moments, beautiful as they are, never seem to last. They come and go like a sunset. Enchanting just long enough to leave you wanting more, but never totally satisfying your desire to see its beauty.
We continue kissing until he gently pulls back and asks, “You okay?”
“Much better now. Kind of a shitty way for the guys to see me.”
He kisses me again, as though he’s trying to distract me from my self-consciousness. And I’m just thankful that he’s here. Not just in the building, but in my life.
I’m thankful that I was willing to give him a chance despite his attitude and tendency to run.
There’s a knock on the door. “It’s Tyler.”
“You want me to tell him to go away?” Jay whispers.
“No,” I reply. “Come on in!” I call out.
Tyler enters. “Everything okay?” he asks, wearing his concern on his face.
“Better. Just trying to figure out what the fuck that sound was.”
“One of the machines shut down.”
“Fuck. I knew those lazy-ass contractors would do something to mess up our goddamn machines.”
“Are you good? Is everything okay?” Tyler asks.
“Yeah. It’s…I have some episodes occasionally…from the war. I had my guard down and the sound surprised me.”
It was the kiss. It left me feeling vulnerable, so when the sound came, my awareness of how unguarded I was roused all those defensive parts of me.
“Guess I need to fix this leg and take care of the machines,” I say.
“You can sit this one out for a minute,” Jay insists.
“I can check it out,” Tyler follows. “And I can call the repair guys to get them to come back out if you need me to.”
Jay was right. I don’t have to do this on my own, but I can’t shake the feeling that if I don’t tend to this, I’ll let my boss down.
Between These Sheets Page 17