“I remember one afternoon, I was just sitting on the couch, staring forward, because like last night, that’s all I could do. I was crippled with anxiety and paranoia. I was paralyzed by this fear that had overtaken me. And she sat on the recliner beside me, being there for me, and I just looked at her and saw the dead expression on her face. She told me, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ She meant keeping on like that without me getting any help. And the look in her eyes, the despair in her voice, reminded me of what I had to look at every morning in the mirror. And you don’t know how horrible it is to ruin another person’s life until you have to be witness to the pathetic person they’ve become—the miserable empty void of a person they’ve become because of you. So I set her free.”
“You told me she left you,” Jay says.
“She did. After I told her I didn’t love her anymore.”
Tears slide down my face, but I’m not ashamed of how I felt about Melanie. I’m not ashamed of how I protected her from the person I became.
“It was the only thing I knew would get rid of her. If she’d known it was just to protect her, she wouldn’t have left. She would have tried to be noble. She would have wanted to be there for me. But I didn’t want that. I didn’t want anyone there. I wanted her to leave so that I could curl up into a ball and disappear forever.
“I’m not okay, Jay. What you’ve seen are moments. You don’t understand how bad it gets, and how much it can take over my life. All this time we’ve shared has been incredible, but it’s a lie. I’ve been able to slide by for a little while because I was lucky, but just ask my therapist. She knows just how bad it can get even in a good year. I’m lucky to be able to make it to work during the really bad periods, but it’s a fight every day to look like I’m normal. I can do that with employees, but not with someone I care about…someone I care so fucking much about.”
“You don’t get to make that choice,” he says. “That wasn’t right of you to make it for her, and you sure as hell don’t get to make it for me. How dare you think that you had a right to decide, after everything we’ve shared, that you knew what was best for me? I’m not a child, Reese. I may fucking act like it sometimes, but I have a choice in this.”
“But I just don’t want you to make a choice that you’re going to spend the rest of your life regretting. I don’t want you to look back at all your time with me and wish you had been somewhere else…with someone else. To feel like you’re dead inside because I killed you. Because I couldn’t be there for you.”
He tilts his head, a sober expression shifting across his face.
“Oh my God,” he says. “This isn’t just about Melanie, is it? You feel responsible for Caleb’s death, too. Because you couldn’t help him. And then you felt like you were doing the same thing to Melanie. Watching her die, on the inside though, and knowing there was nothing you could do because of everything you were going through. That’s it, isn’t it?”
I turn from him because he’s so fucking right, but I’m embarrassed that he can see through me like this.
He moves toward me, but I back away toward the wall. “Jay, please. I was strong enough last night, but I can’t do it today.”
“Reese, this isn’t fair. I get to choose what I do with my life.”
“Why are you even talking to me after the horrible shit I said to you last night?” I ask, looking back at him again.
“Because I wasn’t willing to believe you meant it, and if you did, I needed you to show me that again to shut down what hope I had that what we shared was real. What I felt was real. But now I know it was, so you can sure as fuck bet I’m not going anywhere. Granted, I’m gonna fucking hate you for a while because you were an asshole, but I’m not leaving.”
“What about me having a choice?” I ask. “Don’t I have a right to decide who I hurt? I’m so tired of hurting people, Jay. And I sure as fuck don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m not Melanie,” he says. “Melanie didn’t sign up for this. She married you before you went to war. Before you had issues. And what you had was bigger than either of you back then, but this…we can work through this. You’re not the man you were back then. You’re getting help now. You’ve made progress. And I’ve seen that it gets bad.”
“You haven’t seen how bad it can get. Even this isn’t the worst.”
“Then let me see. Let me decide for myself if I can handle it. Because I do love you, Reese. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel this way for another person…love you so much that even after you were a complete dick to me, it still wasn’t over for me. Let me in. Don’t shut me down now when we could be so happy together.”
I hate myself right now because I want it so much. I want to be with him, but I’m still scared as shit that this’ll blow up in both of our faces.
“And what will you do when a year from now…or five years from now…when you’ve had to coach me out of every panic attack, when you’ve had to wake up time and time again to me nearly about to attack you in bed over some nightmare? Melanie couldn’t even sleep in the same bed with me when it got really bad. Is that what you’ll do? Or what about when I can’t go out anywhere with you because I don’t even want to leave the bed? How will you handle that?”
He approaches me, not breaking eye contact. Not even flinching. He takes my hand. “Why don’t we find out together?”
The warmth of his touch offers me comfort, comfort I’m ashamed of accepting.
He places his other hand against my cheek, equally comforting.
“Let’s do this together, Reese.”
As he leans into me, I don’t refuse him. I just kiss him. Kiss him because I want his lips on mine so badly. Because a night without him was already too much for me. Because even if I’m making the wrong decision here, even if I’m being selfish, I want him more than I can bear. Hearing him offer to do this with me is too much for me to resist. It’s not that I don’t want to be alone. It’s that I don’t want to be without Jay.
Not for another day. Not ever again.
40
Jay
Reese’s kiss is as intoxicating as ever.
It’s the sort of kiss that dissolves all the confusion from yesterday.
He wants me. He cares about me.
I came here thinking I could be wrong. An idiot who desperately wanted to believe in something that was never there to begin with. I’m so fucking glad Reese showed me how right I was.
He starts to break our kiss, but I slide my hand around his head and pull him back.
“I don’t…want…to stop,” I say between kisses. “I don’t…want…it…to end.”
We enjoy the moment. Embrace it. And I feel all the tension in him relax with the tension I’ve carried around since our fight last night.
When we finally catch our breath, Reese whispers, “I love you so much, Jay.” He leans back. “I’m sorry for what I said. I really just wanted to do what was best for you. I don’t want to make you unhappy. I look at you, so filled with life and energy, and I’m just horrified that I’m going to break you with everything that’s broken me.”
“Don’t be arrogant assuming you’re the only one who’s broken,” I say with a smirk.
He cracks a smile.
I see, finally, hope in his expression. Hope we might actually be able to make this work.
“I just haven’t cared about anyone like this in so long, and that scares the fuck out of me.”
“I love you, too, but if you ever pull any of that fucking shit like last night, you’re gonna lose another appendage.”
He laughs out loud, momentarily breaking the spell that he’s been under.
I know it’s not that easy for him, but it’s nice to think that, even for a moment, he’s able to shake off some of the burden he’s been carrying around.
“I’m so fucking sorry.”
As soon as he kisses me again, that’s all the apology I need. His body against mine. His love. His affection.
I understand wher
e he was coming from, especially now that I know what really happened with his ex-wife. Now that I know he pushed her away because he cared about her, and now that I know he was trying to protect me.
I feel a warm tear on my cheek as we kiss. I can’t tell if it’s his or mine because I’ve felt a few as we’ve shared this moment.
When we pull away from our kiss again, he looks into my eyes, and I see that his concern has returned. “I don’t need you to be here for me, Jay,” he says.
“I’m not here for you,” I say. “I’m here for me. Because I want to be with you. Because I would rather be with you than anywhere else in the world. Because even the shittiest of moments with you is better than the best moment by myself…or with any of the guys I’ve ever been with.”
We embrace again, kissing away all the worry and stress of the night without each other—the night where we both thought we might never see each other again.
I would have missed feeling his face against mine so much.
I would have missed feeling his breath against me. Feeling him inside me.
When we settle, we pull apart and just breathe together, holding each other. Not letting up our grips.
I gaze into those familiar blue eyes. Eyes that make me feel so special and important like that night we held each other, when he seemed to have the word “love” on his mind just as I did.
“I guess we have to get to work today,” I say, knowing that I’m killing the moment, but also knowing that we need a little break after the emotional rollercoaster we’ve been on for the past twelve hours.
He smiles. “That sounds like a good idea. No more slacking off in the office like this.”
My gaze settles on something I haven’t forgotten. Something that’s weighed on my mind since I saw it.
Melanie’s letter.
He turns to it, his sad expression returning. “Can’t we just enjoy this moment?”
I glare at him. He knows better.
“Aren’t you tired of running from this?” I ask.
Releasing me, he approaches the desk and picks up the letter, which is even more crumpled up now that I had it in my clothes.
He tears it open and pulls out a four-by-six-inch photograph. It’s the only thing inside.
The picture is of a woman—certainly Melanie—in her thirties with shoulder-length blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Beside her is a man with dark—nearly black—hair. They stand before a painting with a 1st prize blue ribbon on the side
Melanie cradles a baby in her arms, which is wrapped in a blue blanket. She has a bright smile on her face, her eyes glowing with light. This doesn’t look like the woman Reese described. Jaded. Bitter. Destroyed. She’s happy. A woman filled with life and zest and with the whole world ahead of her.
Reese’s face trembles, and he bursts into a fit of tears, pressing his thumb into the picture so hard that it bends.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” I say, wrapping my arms around him for support. “I guess it’d be hard for anyone to see their wife moving on.”
He shakes his head. “No, it’s not that. It’s just…I thought I’d ruined her life forever.” He continues sobbing, fighting to speak through the tears. “And I’m so happy to see that she’s smiling again. That no matter what happened, I didn’t take that from her forever.”
I study the painting behind her. It’s just like the one in Reese’s living room. A profile of a man staring off.
“It’s that same painting she did before she left,” he explains. “She had it in the garage. Hadn’t shown it to me, and when I found it, I knew that it was over. That this was all she saw every day when she looked at me. And I knew that I had to save her.”
“Looks like she turned that pain into something really productive,” I say, acknowledging the honor she received for using that inspiration as she was moving on. “So you’re clearly still her muse.”
He nods as the tears continue rolling down his face.
He flips the photograph over, and on the back, a handwritten message reads, “I miss you. Please call me.”
He drops the photograph and loses it in another fit of tears. He turns to me and wraps his arms around me, crying against me.
I hug him, holding him close, being there for him now the way I always want to be there for him.
“She’s happy, Jay. She’s really happy again.”
I hear the relief in his words. How good it feels for him to know that he didn’t kill her like he thought he had. And I’m so glad that I can be here for him once again. That I can share this moment of ease with him where he’s free of a demon that has haunted him for so long.
“See,” I say. “Even if you do totally ruin my life, I’ll get better.”
He laughs against me, and his sobbing transforms into a loud laugh as he pulls away from me, a bright smile across his red face.
He wipes at his eyes with the back of his hands. “You’re awful,” he says, but he’s all smiles now. And I’m glad that I can be here for that.
As he stops wiping at the tears, he gazes at me again, his smile settling slightly.
“Thank you so much,” he says. “You have no idea what it means to me that you came here today. That you didn’t run when you could have. And the things that you said…that you’re even willing to forgive me for being a total asshole.”
“Whoa, whoa. I didn’t say you were forgiven for that. You’re just going to have to put in a lot of hours and work on this body to make up for it.”
“You’re fucking amazing,” he says, leaning in and kissing me again.
We enjoy each other’s affection until we calm down from the excitement of the morning. Then we part to do our jobs. But there’s an ease as I work today. In knowing that, when I get back to Reese’s place tonight, we’re on the same page. That we both know how the other feels and where this is really going, and that he isn’t going to try and pull some stunt like he did last night. It won’t be easy. Nothing about being with Reese has been easy, but I’m not with him because I want it to be easy. I’m with him because I care about him so much, and because since he’s come into my life, it’s become so much better. Because he’s made me a better person and made me want to be a better person.
And I just know there’s so much more happiness in store for us…
Epilogue
Ten years later…
Reese
“Wait, wait,” Jay says as he grabs the corn casserole we made out of the back seat.
He passes it to me and grabs the apple pie before closing the door.
I snatch his free hand and pull him to me, planting a kiss on his sweet lips.
His lips curl into a smile against my face. When I pull away, he says, “Well, wasn’t that sweet?”
We walk side by side up the drive to Shelley and Tyler’s new place, chatting about the wreck of a front lawn that Shelley will likely be putting in some long hours working on during the spring. Reminds me of my own garden—the one that Jay and I have expanded, the one we work on together now. I thought I had a green thumb, but Jay has a talent for bringing even the weakest of plants back to life. Just like he did with me.
As we reach the door, I’m reminded of the first time we visited their home all those years ago.
When Jay and I were so new…so scared of what we felt for each other.
Now I’m holding my husband’s hand as we visit some of our best friends. The first people either of us really opened up to and started allowing into our lives.
I turn the knob and the door opens.
“Hey, hey, hey!” Jay announces.
The screaming kids upstairs assure us that Shelley and Tyler’s kids are as healthy and energized as usual.
Michael, their youngest at six years old, rounds the corner at the top of the stairs. When he spots us, he calls out, “Uncle Reese and Uncle Jay are here!”
He races down and gives us hugs. His sister, now in her teens, follows shortly after him, acting far cooler than she used to act when we would
babysit her and play hide-and-seek and dollhouse together. I hear she has a boyfriend now, so I’m sure she’s way too cool for silly games now. Just a shame that her older brother Martin can’t be here today because he has to work at his job up in Tennessee, where he’s going to school.
We lead the kids into the kitchen, where Shelley squats before the stove, assessing the turkey.
Charlie sits at the kitchen table, sipping on a drink. “Why hello there,” he says. We always invite Charlie to Thanksgiving dinner with Shelley and Tyler, and he’s become a good friend of ours as well.
“Boys! I could hardly tell you were here,” Tyler says, eyeing Michael as he enters from the living room.
We hug, and Jay sets the apple pie and casserole on the counter while I approach Charlie, greeting him and making small talk. Jay asks Shelley what she needs help with. We came a little early to make sure we could assist before the other members of her family and some of our mutual friends arrived.
Shelley and Tyler are two of the most welcoming people I’ve ever met, and I’m proud to be part of their circle. To have shared so many great memories with them from bingo nights to Saturdays at Six Flags with them and their kids.
While Jay, Shelley, and Tyler take charge of dinner, I tend to my responsibility, wrangling the kids. We play hide-and-seek, Michael screaming as loud as always every time I find him. I’m searching for them when the doorbell rings.
“I’ve got it!” I call since I’m already in the entryway, about to head up the stairs to find the kiddos.
I open the door, and there she is.
Melanie.
With her bright blonde hair and eyes sparkling as she smiles, she’s as beautiful as I remember her being when we first met.
Her ten-year-old boy Jarod has his arms around her hip. And her husband Toby is at her side.
It’s nice how relaxed I feel in this moment. It’s not like back when I tried to avoid her calls.
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