by Anna Cove
"What do you say we get some hot apple cider?" I asked.
"I'm in," Alice said.
"And afterward, we should find you a costume," the tin woman said.
"What? You don't like the little-boy-who-just-woke-up look?" I quipped.
The others laughed, and I felt my shoulders relaxing.
"No," the tin woman said. "I like it, but it won't really fit in with the parade."
I shrugged. "I was thinking I'd sit that one out."
"Come on," the Cowardly Lion said. "That's half the fun. You can throw candy at the children and watch them fight like it's the Hunger Games."
Dorothy nodded, sending the lion a sly glance that instantly told me they were sleeping together—or wanted to sleep together. "You get to see the real instinctual side come out."
I shrugged. "It's not really my thing. But I do love mulled apple cider, so let's go get some."
As we moved together toward the cider, the others fell into chatting easily. I lingered behind. Alice remained with me, her hand locked in mine. She was quiet, and I wondered what was going on in her mind. Too bad this wasn't the place I could ask that question, and I wasn't sure that jived with our rules. Would it be too personal? Too intimate?
As we approached the cider line, she released my hand. She lingered near me until Dorothy drew her into conversation. I sidled over to the edge of the tent to people-watch.
I'd hated this town so much when I was a teenager, but it had changed in the intervening years. They never had a festival like this, for one. Though it wasn't as spectacular as, say, Pride in San Francisco, it did have its charm. A charm I couldn't have recognized in my bitterness a few weeks ago. More of the storefronts were open with cute little boutiques and studios. The people looked about the same—largely white, largely middle class, largely conventional. But maybe, in my older years, that would be okay. Maybe I could find a community here.
Who was I kidding? I couldn't even make friends with Alice's friends. I belonged in San Francisco. My people were in San Francisco. Theoretically. In practice, I had few people I could call friends anywhere in the country.
"How long are you planning on staying?" asked a voice. I glanced over to find the Cowardly Lion's elbow brushing up against mine.
"A couple of weeks, probably. It depends on how quickly Alice works."
"What's she doing?"
Though his question seemed innocent enough, I didn't trust him. He stood too close and smirked too often. "She's helping me sell my grandmother's antiques."
He nodded and sipped on his apple cider. He fell into a silence long enough for me to return to my thoughts on where I belonged.
"She's been burned a lot. She hasn't let herself fall like this in some time."
I coughed, choking on a sip of cider. "We're really just friends."
The Cowardly Lion swiveled his head toward me and raised his eyebrow again. "Friends don't look at one another like you do. Friends don't usually hold hands down a whole street."
What the fuck did he know? What had Alice told him? She was on the other side of him and she wasn't looking at me. If I wanted to get her attention, I would have to make a scene, to pull her away. Then what would I say? The Cowardly Lion is asking me hard questions. Take me home. Boo. Hoo.
"Thanks for the input." I nodded and walked in the other direction. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."
The lion caught my arm in his paw. "She's more sensitive than you think. I've known Alice a long time and I've discovered that the more makeup she wears, the more she's trying to protect herself. Look at her."
My glance landed not on Alice, but on his hand on my arm. "She's in costume. Please let me go."
"A costume that covers every inch of her. If I were you I'd be asking myself why."
I ripped my arm away and crossed the short distance to Alice. "What do you say we explore a little bit? I'm getting cold."
Alice blinked. She had barely taken a sip of her drink, but upon seeing me, her forehead creased. She nodded and slid her free arm into mine. "Let's find you a costume."
Fine. Anything. As long as I don't have to walk with the lion.
The three others linked arms and skipped ahead. They circled around us, laughing and singing at the top of their lungs. The cider started to turn sour in my stomach. As more people gathered on the street, my panic soared. On one of their loops, Dorothy slung her arms through mine and pulled me with them.
My stomach twisted. I tore my arm from hers before I lost it.
"Sorry," I said, as they all stopped to stare. I held my stomach, deciding to tell the truth. "I always forget cider upsets my stomach. I just need to move at a slower pace."
Dorothy's face fell.
"It's okay. You all go ahead." Alice took the empty space beside me. I'd lost hold of her in all the skipping. Once they had moved out of earshot she leaned close. "Are you all right?"
We passed a pumpkin decorating station and an inflatable kids zone. There were so many people here having fun. Why couldn't I drop everything and have fun and have it be all right? Why couldn't I just let go for one day?
"I'm fine," I said, deciding then and there to let it all go. That's all I had to do. Decide and make it so. The only thing holding me back was my own mind.
We turned and entered a store stuffed with clothes. Alice sent me to an empty dressing room and joined her friends. They riffled through the clothes, pulling out some and holding them up.
"Try these on," Alice said, reappearing before me. She lowered a stack of clothes over my arm.
The cheap curtain on front of the dressing room—if you could call it a room—didn't reach all the way to the floor or from one wall to another. Truthfully, the last thing I wanted to do was take off all my clothes and try on other people's clothes. But thinking about them all out there in their costumes—it made me want to have that much fun. I wanted to be like them. Maybe Alice was right. Maybe I could let go if I only pretended I was someone else.
I unbuttoned my blouse and took off my pants.
While undressing, the noise from Alice's friends grew louder. They sounded so jovial, like they were privy to some secret of life I hadn't yet discovered. I peeked through the curtain to see them taking turns bowing or genuflecting or curtsying to Alice, as if she was really the queen of them all. She held her shoulders back and waved her hand like Queen Elizabeth. She embodied her costume so fully... how could she do that?
That was the thing about her. It was hard to know who she was under it all.
I glanced at the clothes they'd gathered for me, a loose red blouse. Three quarter length trousers. A scarf belt. They were trying to make me into a pirate. I could do that, couldn't I? For Alice? For our friendship?
I dressed in the clothes and put on the tri-corner hat that they'd found as well. It was a remarkable costume for one that didn't mean to be a costume. I took three breaths and practiced my best "Arrrgh," under my breath in the mirror. I didn't look half bad. Somehow, everything fit perfectly. If this antique thing didn't pan out, Alice had costume design in her future.
When I peeked outside, the tin woman had nuzzled her face in Alice's neck and was whispering in her ear, giggling. The tin woman brought her silver hand up to Alice's breast and dragged it along the neckline of her gown. She was kidding, she had to be, but she looked so serious. The Cowardly Lion and Dorothy were gone, too. And then Alice laced her fingers through the tin woman's.
Suddenly my chest felt crushed, as if an elephant had sat on it. The neckerchief I wore strangled me. Even when I shut the curtain to block them out the image seared into my mind. Maybe the lion had told her about our conversation and Alice had moved on. Maybe she was just discovering that she was really in love with her best friend. Whatever the reason, it felt like she had taken a sword and ripped it through my guts.
Why did she ask me here if she was only going to flaunt her relationship with others in my face? What was the point of all this socializing?
More importantly, how w
as I going to get out of here?
...
ALICE
As soon as Lena settled into the dressing room, Timothy took me aside. He leaned so close his whiskers tickled the side of my face and I could smell his cologne. Not very lion like, if you asked me. "She's going to break your heart, you know."
I shrugged, forcing a chuckle. "Impossible. It's not like that."
"You can deny it all you like, but when she leaves..."
"Stop it. What do you know, Mr. Know-it-all?" I shoved his shoulder. "I'm saying it's not a thing, so it's not a thing."
"I had a talk with her."
"You did what?" I peered at the dressing room. It was only a three-quarter length curtain and I could see Lena's feet and calves as she dropped her trousers. I looked away, but by that time it was already too late. I could see her body in my mind, slim but strong. "Please tell me you didn't talk to her about hurting me and all that crap."
"I may have said something to that effect."
"Timothy." I sighed. "Darn it. Now she's going to be spooked. I wish you hadn't done that."
Timothy folded his arms. He looked so ridiculous in his full costume with the tail swinging behind him, it made the moment even more absurd. "Do you want to find out how she really feels?" he asked.
I swallowed, glancing toward the curtain. Did I know how she really felt? It was so hard with her. She expressed so little emotion. I was kidding myself if I thought I wouldn't fall for her. She was smart, attractive, funny. What else could I want? I nodded.
"Okay. Stay here."
"Timothy," I hissed as he disappeared behind a clothing rack. He emerged a moment later holding Kieran's arm and dragging her forward.
"Pretend you're in love with her," he said to Kieran.
I turned to Timothy, horrified. "You just want time alone with Dorothy."
"If you want to find out how she really feels about you, the quickest way is to make her jealous. Force her to face her feelings."
"What does it matter? She's going to leave in the next few weeks anyway."
"Maybe she'll stay," Kieran said, always the romantic. "Maybe she'll stay and you two will have adorable little children and you'll finally be happy."
"I'm happy," I said, my heart beating hard.
"Do this and you'll find out for sure. Knowing is the best thing." Timothy smiled with his whole body, bringing his shoulders up to his ears. "Ready, go."
As if on cue, Kieran leaned her head on my chest. She started to coo things in my ear that didn't make sense. I glanced down at her, hyperaware of the curtain just a few feet away, but not daring to look. Kieran brought up her finger and traced it along the curve of my breast. "You look so hot today."
"Thank you," I said, stiffening. It felt odd to have a friend talking to me like this. Wrong. It had never felt like this with Lena, but Lena had never really been my friend. We'd hated each other, then we fell into an attraction that couldn't be denied. I took Kieran's hand and wound her fingers through mine. "This isn't right," I said. "I'm just going to ask her."
Kieran smirked and shrugged her shoulder. "I was actually starting to feel something there. Weren't you?"
"Nope."
"Boo. I was looking forward to my once-a-year lesbian experience. I wasn't even drunk this time." She skipped away, and I laughed to myself. I'd met these people in a theater production of Madame Bovary. They were a lovely, rambunctious group, but they were too much sometimes. Over the top. Like their whole lives were a show.
Shaking off the lingering feeling of Kieran's finger on my breast, I walked to the dressing room. "How are you doing in there?"
No answer came from inside.
Hm. I knocked on the side wall. "If you don't like it, or if something doesn't fit, let me know. I can grab you another size. Or we can even try another ensemble."
Again, there was no answer. I stilled. No sound came from inside, not even breathing. I clutched the edge of the curtain and tore it open to find Lena and all the clothes gone.
I turned to the store clerk. "Where did the woman in here go?"
"She wasn't feeling well. She gave me some money for her things and I let her into the bathroom in the back."
"Thanks. Do you mind if I check on her?"
"Be my guest."
I jogged to the back, hoping something horrible hadn't happened to her. She had said her stomach was upset by the apple, but I didn't realize it was so bad she was about to be sick. And what had I been doing? Fooling around with my friends. I could be rubbing her back or holding loose clothing, or something. Providing moral support. I was good at caring for people, everyone said so. It was one thing I was sure about.
When I reached the cramped bathroom in the back, however, she wasn't there. My worry drove me to look around, to see whether she had passed out somewhere on the way. But there was no evidence of her. She had left, probably through the back door, and probably to avoid me. I ran to the front and found Timothy. "I've got to go, have fun!"
"What's going on?"
"Nothing. I'll talk to you later." I ran out of the shop and into the throng of people. I stretched onto my tiptoes. A woman stopped me and told me how much she liked my costume. I thanked her and moved away quickly. If I didn't hurry, it would be impossible to find Lena among all these people. With shaking hands, I pulled out my phone and found her number and called her.
No answer. I hung up and texted her. Where are you?
"Come on... come on..." Nothing.
It reminded me of the night in the storm, of how we'd searched for Ronald and how I'd been so happy when Lena brought him back the next morning. Seeing her holding him, that was the moment I'd fallen for her. That was the moment where this all became real.
I was lying to myself, thinking I could keep it casual. I cared for her. Her loss, this small loss, made it clear.
Why had she left without telling me? I wound my way through the crowd and emerged onto a less crowded street. I broke into a jog, my heels pinching my feet, but I didn't care.
What I cared about was Lena. What I cared about was whether she was okay. So, when I burst through the door, gasping and clutching my side, I was so relieved to find Lena sitting in a chair I dashed to her side despite my discomfort.
"Are you okay?" I asked. "Did you get sick?"
Lena glared at me. She wore the pirate outfit under her jacket. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to check on you."
"Without knocking?"
My breathing was hard to control and stung my lungs from the run, but her tone sent ice through my veins. "I'm sorry, I just—"
"Don't be sorry, just get out."
I stood, stumbling backward on my dang heels. Sure, I could run in them, but stopping? Of course I couldn't do that. Of course. I took a moment to gather my breath and my thoughts. Lena was upset. Why? She'd seemed okay at the festival, if a little quiet. "Why don't I brew some tea and we can talk about it."
"I should have gone through with that lawsuit after all. It would have made all this simpler."
"What lawsuit? What are you talking about?"
"At least it would have removed you from my life."
The ice spread to my skin, all the way to the tips of my fingers. She sounded like a child, but I knew throwing that in her face wouldn't help the situation. I breathed in and out, trying to keep my cool, but feeling the compassionate part of me slip away. "What's gotten into you?"
"What's gotten into me? Oh, I don't know. You drag me to a stupid fall festival where I have to dress up in this stupid outfit and pretend to like your stupid friends."
"Don't talk about them like that."
Lena rolled her eyes, glancing away. "Why did you even ask me there if you weren't going to pay attention to me?"
"Because I like you. Because I thought you may like to get out of the house, to meet some people—"
Lena scoffed. "You thought I would like them? What made you think that?"
"Gosh, I didn't know you were such a cran
k."
"And I didn't know you were such a whore."
Every cell in my body froze like I was suspended in liquid. There it was. That's what Timothy had wanted to get out of her—jealousy. And that's what I had gotten. At the time, though, I hadn't imagined her response would be so sharp, or that it would have such long pointy teeth. That, plus the pinch in my toes, made the moment almost too much to bear. In an attempt to relieve one of those pains, I lifted my foot and slipped off my shoe. The movement was the first step. Then I took a breath and removed the other one.
I couldn't bring myself to look at Lena. That may be step fifty or sixty, or maybe even a thousand given the anger that was building in my chest.
"I'm sorry," Lena said. "I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it. I saw you with the tin woman and... shit. Shit. Shit. Shit."
I dragged my eyes up to meet Lena's. "I thought you just wanted to keep it casual."
"I did."
"Casual people don't get jealous like this." My words were even, measured, though my stomach had shot to my throat.
"I know. I guess. I... I need you to know that I'm sorry. I get mad sometimes and things come out of my mouth."
"I've only slept with three people. You're one of them."
"I know."
"Really?"
"Well, no. I didn't know how many people you slept with, and that's not really the point. Here's the thing. I thought with all the things I was feeling that if I kept you at an arm's length, I wouldn't get all caught up like this." Lena edged toward me.
I crossed my arms, trying not to be aware of her. But she was the pink elephant in the room of antiques. Try not to think of it and all I did was think about it. Out of the corner of my eye I caught her blouse and the sash around her waist and a thought flashed through my mind that she made a great pirate. A hot pirate. A stupid fucking pirate I wish had never set sail toward me. Why was I letting this happen again?