I still want to kick myself for doing that!
Another thing I’d like to kick myself for is listening to that idiot Ross who told me not to answer Max’s calls and the poor guy’s mother was dying. It’s something he should’ve never forgave me for, but he did and then we ran off and got married.
There’s no accounting for the man’s sanity, nor mine. So what if the babies don’t make it? Then what? Should we break up and try to live life apart?
We’ve gone that route more than a few times. Or should we give up our dreams of having kids and becoming a real family?
Maybe I could get my tubes tied and we could just live life alone, just the two of us.
Tell me why that sounds so lonely!
Max
It’s been five weeks since the babies were born and last night things became worse. Twice Zane stopped breathing and Zoey is having problems with her kidneys. The pediatrician told us these things happen in premature babies and we can expect them to have some problems in the first part of their lives. I sit in the neonatal unit and stare at the tiny beings who are mine and Lexi’s as they struggle to hold onto their lives.
Odd how even the smallest life has the will to hang on to it!
No knowledge do these babies have as to what life is even about. Suffering, pain, struggles, unfairness at every turn, and then there’s love. The heartache of love that’s lost and sometimes it’s lost forever. And sometimes, like the love Lexi and I have for each other, it can be detrimental to their own children.
If they knew all these things, would they still go through all this to be here? To be our children? I bet not!
Delayed development, both physically and mentally, is what we can expect, if they make it. One would think with each passing day, it gets easier, but it doesn’t. They could have problems with their retinas detaching and Zane can expect to have problems with his penis developing inappropriately, he may have problems urinating and have to have multiple surgeries to correct it.
He’ll love us for that!
If only I had been easier with Lexi that night. I don’t know why I went all out on her. I did this to them all because I had to feel their mother in the way I wanted to. I’m a selfish monster and don’t even deserve to be a father or a husband.
Maybe my father was a jack-ass like I am. Never knowing the man and knowing how my mother was, I just bet he was selfish like me. It seems I never think about what my actions can cause. It’s all about me and what I want, all the damn time. A hell of a lot like my mother was.
If she was selfish and my father was too, what chance did I have of not being that way too? Though neither raised me, it might be coursing through my veins the same way mine and Lexi’s bad luck is coursing through our poor babies.
One might think I can change, but I never even realized that about myself until I put our kids’ lives in danger all over a fuck. I just had to fuck her. The easy making-love stuff just wasn’t enough, I had to go all out and pound her.
It’s me who should be on the machines. It’s me who should have my breath taken away. It’s me who should have my life in danger. The babies don’t deserve to be punished for what I did.
A hand runs over my shoulder and I look up to see Lexi’s sad blue eyes. Tears glisten in them and I feel horrible I did this to her. She smiles, weakly at me. “We have to have faith, Max. We’ve been down long enough, it’s time to get ourselves on the path of believing without a doubt that everything will be okay and we’ll be taking our babies home soon.”
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, if something happens…”
Her finger’s touch my lips, stopping my words. “We can’t talk like that anymore. Doubt needs to be put out of our minds. Both of us have been walking around like a couple of zombies and that has to stop.”
“How can you do that to yourself? You’re just going into denial, Lex. It won’t help a thing if we lose one or both of them. And what about if they do make it. There may be surgeries and all kinds of health issues in their futures. I did that to them.”
Lexi’s eyes go wide, and she looks confused. I now realize I haven’t said a word to her about how I’m blaming myself for taking her so roughly the night before she went into labor. There was so much blood we had to get a new bed. Yet every time I said I was sorry, Lexi looked at me in confusion, telling me the doctor had said it’s extremely rare to carry a set of twins to full term. She said it over and over how this was normal.
Her lips part, but she closes her mouth and looks around as we are not alone. In the neonatal unit there are nurses all around us. She takes my hand and makes me get up as she leads me out of the room and down the hall to a private waiting room.
I look around the small room with a coffee machine and a vending machine with all types if snacks and then there’s a coke machine. This is what I can look forward to if these babies make it. Lots and lots of time in the hospital with them. Lots and lots of small waiting rooms I’ll be hanging out in as my children are operated on because I had to go and fuck their mother uber-hard.
Lexi sits and pulls me to sit down next to her on a little, green love seat.
“Now tell me why those words escaped your lips, Max?”
“You noticed that?” I ask, but I know the answer, I’m just stalling because I feel like I’m about to bawl like a big ass baby.
“This isn’t your fault, Max. This is no one’s fault. It just happens sometimes. Have you not noticed there are more babies in there than just ours?”
“Not really, I only see ours, to tell you the truth.” I look away as her eyes are sadder than I think I’ve ever seen them and it makes me sick to know I caused that look on her beautiful face.
“You are going to go see our doctor and you are getting help with your depression this time. I won’t let you sink as low as I know you can go. The reason I came to the conclusion about putting doubt behind us is because I was talking to an eighteen year old girl who just had her baby. She had a girl, and the baby was born with a hole in her heart, and an extra pinky and toe. Her head is misshapen as she was stuck in the birth canal for a good while before the girl’s parents took her to the hospital. They claimed they thought she was faking being in labor.”
“Damn, that’s bad, Lexi,” I say as I think of the pain the poor girl must have been in. “There’s no father in all this. She just had her parents?”
“The guy hauled butt once she told him she was pregnant. The baby was full term, and still things went wrong. You see, it isn’t anyone’s fault. Things just happen. Do you know that young girl is still pushing forward with the best attitude? She told me she has no doubt that baby will make it through everything.”
I shake my head. “Probably because she is so young and obviously clueless.”
“Let’s get a little more clueless. We don’t know the future, we don’t know those babies won’t make it through this and never have another problem. We don’t know a damn thing, Max.” She takes my hand and holds it to her heart.
“But, I feel like I have to think about the future.” I look away and scan the small room again.
“Stop that!” She grabs my chin and makes me look at her. “Stop looking at this room like it’s where you’ll be the rest of your life. You don’t know where you’ll be or how happy or sad you’ll be, but you will be.”
“You never answered me when I asked you if you thought we might be cursed. Has it ever occurred to you that most people don’t have this rough of a life?” I ask as I search her eyes for the truth.
“So what if we are? Are you willing to give this up?” she asks and I don’t know the answer.
“If they die, Lexi, it is something we should think about,” I say and am immediately sorry as she drops my hand, covers her mouth and runs from the little room.
Alexis
Time stands still as my heart breaks into pieces. I thought Max, and I were on the same page about if we have kids great if not great too, but it seems that isn’t the case.
I’m tired of tying my boat up to a dock that’s falling apart. When things are good, Max is fantastic. When things are bad, he’s not anywhere near the person you want to be tied to.
We should be there for each other through this thing and he’s been quiet and aloof. Physically, he holds me as we sleep and tells me he loves me. Mentally, I am on my own.
I made a commitment to him and by having those babies I have made one to them as well. If they survive, I will stay in this marriage as I promised the Lord above I would. If for some awful reason they don’t, then this marriage is over, I think.
Still dabbing at my eyes, I walk out of the small restroom and find Max standing in the hallway. His eyes downcast as he fiddles with the hem of his black T-shirt. His dark waves fall across his face. He never had the chance to cut his hair like he wanted to. He wanted to look like a respectable father and maybe it’s time I started acting like a real wife. The way my mother has been telling me to.
I call her every night to tell her the progress on the twins and she tells me what I need to be doing to keep this marriage and family going.
Have I done anything she’s said so far? That would be a big, fat, no!
I walk up to him and touch his stomach. His tight abs flinch as I touch them. “Come with me, we’re going to see if Cake can fit you in and get you that fatherly haircut you wanted so bad.”
He takes my hand as I extend it and looks up at me with tears running down his tanned cheeks. “I’m sorry I said that, baby. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You have clinical depression, or so the symptom checker on Web MD said anyway. We’ll get you the help you need to get back on track. First a haircut and then an appointment with the doctor. It’s time I started taking my role in this family.”
Max’s lips turn up a little. “What does that mean?”
I run my arm around his waist as we walk down the long hallway, and his arm goes around my shoulders. “It means, my mother told me it’s the wife’s job to keep things going. When someone gets sick, I need to make sure they get better. When someone is sad, I need to cheer them up. And probably the most important thing that I haven’t been doing is to make sure that my husband is happy.”
“It’s not your fault I’m unhappy, Lex,” he says and I find he’s wiping his tears away with his other hand.
I stop and turn to him, taking a tissue from my purse. Gently I wipe his wet cheeks and dab at his red rimmed eyes. “Even rimmed with red, your emerald eyes are still captivating, my love.” I leave a kiss on his cheek and when his lips curve into a real smile, I kiss them.
It’s been so long since we kissed on the lips. Since that night as a matter of fact. A peck on the cheek here and there and he’s kissed the top of my head some, but not the lips and suddenly the fire rips through me as it always had before.
His hand runs up to cup my neck and his tongue pushes into my mouth. I can hardly think as he moves me back until the wall stops us. My arms wrap around him and hold him to me. I never want to let him go.
Our bodies mash together as he pushes his body as close to mine as he can get. Heat fills me and I ache for him, but we can’t do that just yet, it’s one more week before I get cleared for any of that kind of activity.
Slowly he eases up his hard kiss and my heart seems to be healing after its break. His lips leave mine pulsing and he rests his forehead on mine. “I really needed that,” he says in a ragged breath.
“Me too,” I whisper. “Let’s not wait that long to do that again.”
“I won’t,” he says then wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me to his side then we walk down the hallway and out the doors to get Max’s head screwed back on right.
Max
Cake smiles like a crazy person as she turns my chair around and I see a man I’ve never seen before. It’s me, but a more mature looking me.
“I’m gonna miss those long locks of silkiness between my fingers,” Lexi says as she gets up and stands behind me. “You’re still sexy as hell though.”
Cake laughs. “He’s still making my panties wet!”
Lexi smacks her on the arm. “Hey, back off! That’s my man.” Her arms run around my shoulders and she leans in and kisses my newly exposed neck. “I love you.”
I reach up and run my hand over her arm as our eyes meet in the mirror. “I love you too, princess. Thanks for making me do this. I feel better already.”
“Good, now let’s go get some lunch at an insanely expensive restaurant and have us some fun before the twins come home and we get saddled down with them.” Lexi steps back so Cake can remove the drape.
Cake says, “Oh, you two are about to smell like baby puke all the time and look like a couple of zombies as you’ll hardly get any sleep. How I remember those days.”
She surprises me as she pulls me into a hug. “Max, you take care of yourself.”
I hug her back. “Okay, I will.”
She squeezes me. “I mean it now!”
“Yes, ma’am!” I say as I laugh.
She lets me go and takes a step back. “Now I don’t know if you guys know this but I have five of them little rugrats, so if you have any questions, I’m only a phone call away.” She winks at me. “And, Max, let me tell you something about my third baby. That little monster was two and a half months early and scared me and my husband nearly to death. The boy is sixteen years old now. Not a thing wrong with him. He still scares us to death every now and then, but it ain’t from being sick or having anything wrong with him.”
“Really?” I ask. “How long did it take you to get over being afraid for him all the time?”
She takes my arm and leads me towards the door. “You never stop being afraid for your children, Max. It never ends, and that isn’t just the ones who start out scaring you, it goes for the ones born perfectly healthy as well. You just learn to live with that fear is all. You’ll get it, don’t worry, it happens to all parents.”
I turn and hug her one more time. “Thanks, Cake.”
Lexi waits by the door for me with a smile on her beautiful face. I walk up and take her by her already thin waist. “What are you smiling about? We’re going to be afraid for them the rest of our lives.”
“And when more come, we’ll have to be afraid for them too,” she answers with a giggle.
I run my hand over my newly shorn hair. “More! How will we ever make it through more of them?”
Cake laughs as the door closes behind us.
I hope she was just fucking with me!
Alexis
“She’s crying and I can’t get her to stop,” I say as I hold Zoey every which way I can think of, but she still screams as if I’m burning her with a hot poker.
Max gets out of his rocking chair which is next to mine in the neonatal unit. Zane is sleeping peacefully, so he places him on my shoulder and takes Zoey from me. I put my hand up to hold the tiny boy on my shoulder and watch as the moment her father touches her, Zoey stops crying and snuggles into his wide chest.
“Traitor,” I say as I look at the tiny pink bundle.
They are ounces away from coming home and we are supposed to be getting used to handling their still tiny bodies, which are appearing much more normal in size to me. Max is winning as usual. I’m an awkward mess, as usual.
“Tell me how you do that,” I whisper as I don’t want to wake Zane up.
Zoey’s eyes close, and she’s asleep. He speaks in a normal voice and it shocks me that he doesn’t wake her up. “You’re too nervous and she could feel that.”
“You know, ever since you got those diddly dang anti-depressants you’ve been on fire with these two.” I shake my head. “You rea
lly annoy me.”
He gives me a wink. “How about you, princess? Am I on fire with you?”
He’s horrible and I look around the room and see two of the nurses smiling at each other and I know they know what he’s talking about. I give him a stern look then roll my eyes towards the eavesdroppers.
A smile I earn and he blows a kiss at me. The rat!
My doctor said I was good to go a few days ago and we’ve made up for lost time. Though not quite as rough as I’d like to, but I can’t really complain. She put me on the pill and told me I had to stay on it for at least two years to be sure my body was really healthy enough to have another baby, or babies. This may sound crazy, but I know I want more.
It’s getting late and Max gets up and takes Zoey back to her little incubator. I try to get up while holding Zane on my shoulder and am stopped by one of the nurses. “Here you go, I got him for you, Mrs. Lane.” She takes him from me and turns just in time to nearly run into my husband. “Oh, sorry!”
He steps aside. “It was me who got in your way.” He runs his hand over Zane’s head. “See you tomorrow, buddy.”
I watch the nurse’s face light up. “You’re going to be the best father, Max.”
A green wave fills me and I begin to ride it as I stand up, but Max sees my face and grabs me quickly. “Let’s go, princess.”
I glare back at the nurse, but she’s oblivious to me. Our precious son she gazes at, and I know what she’s thinking. She’s thinking I’m a dumb person with no hope of ever taking care of my children and that Max is out of my league.
Well, guess what, lady! He picked me!
Max laughs as he pulls me into the hallway. “Wow! What the hell was that about, Lex?”
“You’re going to be the best father ever!” I roll my eyes. “What a bitch!”
“Yeah, I guess that was a pretty awful thing to say to me. I totally get it now,” he says as he drapes his arm around my shoulders. “Next thing you know she’ll say something really awful to me, like I have a beautiful wife and that I am so lucky, the horrible bitch she is!”
The Billionaire Bad Boy Plan Page 116