The superior smile widened. "I think our policy makes it very clear. It encompasses use and consumption of all drugs and alcohol. No exceptions."
"In that case, all of us have earned instant dismissal in the last hour," Mel replied. "Including you. We've all had caffeine – coffee, Red Bull and the like – and then there's nicotine, paracetamol and just using alcohol sanitiser."
Laughter erupted behind her as the trainer seemed to choke on a coughing fit. "We didn't mean caffeine or those other things. Those aren't…you can't be dismissed for…" she spluttered.
"Under the wording of your policy, we can. What'll your CEO do when he finds out? Do you think he'll ban coffee or just decide to fire the lot of us?"
The demon's face grew an interesting shade of red and her horns appeared through her hair. "How dare you…He…oh Hell…he'll…" Anger shifted to fear in her face.
She must be terrified of the CEO, Mel mused. Surely only Lucifer could have that effect on demons. Mel smiled angelically. "I'd be delighted to help you reword your policy before he sees it. Perhaps if this orientation programme ends early, I'll have time today to help you before I'm expected back at my desk."
The trainer's face started to fade back to normal as she looked around. "Do you think…you might all go back to work without mentioning this? We can end orientation early, if you like…"
Every demon in the room rose and the orientees left quickly, with surreptitious, grateful nods to Mel. She returned these as politely as she could before she found herself alone with the trainer.
"You'll really help?" the trainer asked incredulously.
Mel beamed. "Of course. I'm an angel. It's what I do. Plus, I'm more than a little worried about what would happen if you banned caffeine from your office. I think Hell would be a happier place than here."
Six
"Ah, Lili? I'm done," Mel announced, relieved that she'd finally finished her orientation and all the getting-to-know-you sessions without giving too much away…and neatened up the substance policy so that everyone got to keep their jobs for another day.
Lili looked up from what appeared to be an engrossing email. "Done all your orientation? Great, let's get you a project." She reached for a stack of folders that threatened to topple over, picking up the yellow one on top. "Something easy to begin with. We need you to research rehabilitation techniques for graffiti criminals."
Mel felt her jaw drop. "You need me to do…what? I've never worked with criminals, rehabilitation or anything to do with justice before. Since when was the justice system privatised?"
Lili gave Mel a perfunctory smile. "After privatisation worked so well for the prison and immigration detention centres, privatising the justice system seemed the logical next step. It's the 'Life' in the name of our Corporation – Health, Environment, Life and Lands. Now, it shouldn't be a problem. Our Research Division has already written a report on this, so all of their references should still be on file."
Mel felt like she'd missed something. "If it's already been done, why do you need me to do it again?"
Lili leaned forward and lowered her voice. "Our Research Division looks at things…rather differently to us. We're not sure they took the research in the right direction. They may have focussed on art therapy because it was the easiest solution, as opposed to the best solution."
Mel laughed. "But surely art therapy would be both the easiest and best solution!"
Lili frowned. "Don't let their research blind you. Our Research Division has their offices next to an art school, which isn't the case with this office, so you shouldn't suffer the same bias as our head researcher."
Mel nodded knowingly. "Ah, an art school. Did your researcher have to do lots of research in the female life drawing class? I can understand why he'd advocate that solution."
Lili looked shocked. "You can't say things like that. Phil might consider it sexual harassment."
Mel wet her lips, wondering how to correct her mistake. "Well, it does seem like the first thing I'd think of. Drawing naked women would certainly have an effect on the minds of men in prison, particularly those who are already artistically inclined. Things don't change that much."
Lili's face lost all expression. "Sometimes they do, dear. Phil is gay and he's married to the principal of the art school, Lial. I understand the female form does nothing for him. You'll find he can get quite enthusiastic, describing the hard contours of a well-muscled, male body."
Mel felt her face flush. She'd forgotten that some men don't like women. She couldn't blame them – she was particularly partial to a well-muscled, male body, too. Admittedly, it had been a while since she'd been close enough to touch such a body, but she held out hope that she might, sometime soon…
Mel shook herself. This wasn't the time to think about sexy men. She had work to do and any attractive men on her horizon would have to wait until she was finished with her current assignment. Or until she'd at least earned a holiday from it.
"Well, I guess I'll get started then," she said with false cheer, picking up the yellow file and walking away as quickly as she could.
She sat at her desk and restrained herself from banging her head repeatedly on the laminated surface. She resisted searching the Internet for images of hot men – she knew where that would lead, though the kitten photos that came up were always cute. Instead, Mel took a deep breath and got to work, not lifting her head until the day was done.
Seven
When Mel returned from lunch, a small sheaf of papers covered her keyboard. The words, 'NOT complimentary!' were scrawled across the front page in red ink.
She eyed it for a moment and decided that the red pen scrawl over the front of the memo she'd sent was definitely not complimentary, to the point where she considered it quite rude. She took a closer look at the pages.
On the second page, the red ink surfaced again, carving a ring around the word 'complimentary'. She took a deep breath as she decided that the red-pen wielder didn't like the word. Perhaps they'd prefer something insulting instead?
"…this initiative will be complimentary to our efforts to rehabilitate car thieves and graffiti artists…" she read.
What's wrong with saying nice things about their efforts at rehabilitation? Mel wondered. It wasn't her line – someone up the chain of command had tainted her text with bigger words and, apparently, mistakes, too.
She decided to ask Lili.
Lili laughed when she read the papers. "Ah, the Luce red pen of doom. It's your turn this week."
Mel was confused. "My turn? This isn't even my mistake!"
"Like an impotent man's used condom, our CEO's ego needs reinflating from time to time, usually at least once a week. Last month, before you started, Luce sent out a rant about how many people confused compliments with complements. Something about the first one saying something nice and the second one 'completing me' or some shit like that. You're the first one to make the mistake after his rant, so you get to apologise." Lili didn't look sympathetic.
Mel's confusion deepened. "Apologise? For not getting his email before I started working here and fixing someone else's mistake after this left my desk? Shouldn't the person who made the mistake be doing this, as they did get the email?"
"You're forgetting that whoever did make that mistake is higher in the company hierarchy than you are, and we'll all delegate the letter to you anyway, whether it was your mistake or not." Lili shrugged. "Hey, it's better than getting his email, ignoring it and having to explain why. At least you have an excuse. Just write up another memo apologising for the mistake and he'll forget about it as soon as he feels his ego is swollen enough again."
"I have to write a formal apology?" Mel was mortified. "Can't I just pull the original memo, fix the mistake and resubmit it?"
Lili smiled. "Sure you can, but that puts your memo at the bottom of the pile, which means it'll be delayed by at least another week or two. Then you'll have to write a memo apologising for the delays to your project instead." She shrug
ged. "Think of it as one of those, 'Other duties as required,' on your job description. You do what you're told and you get paid for it. At least he's not asking for you to do it on your own time, or when you had leave booked!"
Nor was he asking her to personally deliver her apology to his office, where she'd have to dodge his sleazy advances, Mel consoled herself.
She sighed and returned to her desk. The CEO of HELL threw tantrums that would embarrass a two-year-old because he didn't like someone's choice of words and he had an ego the size of a hot air balloon, which deflated rapidly in the chilly corporate atmosphere. So it was no different working in HELL than anywhere else. She took a deep breath and started wasting her afternoon on stroking the CEO's ego. At least that was all she was expected to stroke.
Eight
"Yep, that looks fine," Lili said, pushing the piece of paper across the table to Mel. "Just change it to the font in the style guide and you can take it up to Luce yourself."
"I…what? I thought you said I just had to write it and send it up to him," Mel protested.
Lili's eyes glowed red as if she sensed Mel's discomfort and enjoyed it immensely. "Oh, no. He came down here personally and placed the offending report on your desk. He waited a while, too, determined to make sure you understood his message. He insisted that I send you to report to him as soon as you received it."
Mel felt her jaw drop. "But…that was hours ago!" She felt her stomach and the sandwich inside it start to sink.
Lili grinned fiercely. "Then I suggest you change the font quickly and leg it up those stairs to Luce's office before you're any later."
Struggling not to swear, Mel marched back to her desk to make the letter and offending memo as perfect as she could. Fifteen minutes later, she pulled the pages from the printer and set off for the executive suite upstairs.
She kept a serene smile on her face as she strode through the maze of cubicles, nodding slightly every time she caught the eye of another demon. She'd never recognise them all, but it still seemed a good idea to stay on good terms with them. If her job survived the day and the belated dressing-down from Luce.
She shrugged. If her first job lasted less than a fortnight, so be it. She didn't much like the work, anyway, and there were plenty of demons to do it. It's not as if the HELL Corporation would miss her. She'd tell Raphael that the CEO definitely was Lucifer and let him sort it out while she went to Korea. She could taste the bulgogi already…
The cubicles were bigger now – spacious enough to take several visitors and a large meeting table between them. Mel knew she was nearing executive territory.
"Can I help you?" an imperious voice asked. Mel heard the words, along with the implied message that the owner of the voice would not help her. Mel was perfectly happy helping herself.
Mel's smile lit up her whole face. "Lili sent me to see Luce regarding a report." She proffered the papers.
The older woman's lips pursed as her deep, dark eyes narrowed. She had to be one of Luce's more senior demons. Her demeanour spoke of indescribable age and experience – all of it decidedly dark.
"I'm Mephi, Mr Iblis' personal assistant," the woman said, emphasising the demon's name. "All of his appointments go through me. Do you have an appointment?"
The woman's subtext was amazing, Mel decided. She radiated an aura that said Mel hadn't a hope of getting through her and she'd never be important enough for an appointment. Despite herself, she was impressed. She wondered how many demons balked at this formidable gatekeeper.
"I'm delighted to meet you, Mephi. I wish I'd known to call you first – but Luce left this on my desk and insisted I speak to him about it immediately. Given the urgency, I didn't dare delay." Mel let the slightest look of concern cross her face. "I haven't missed him, have I? I'll wait as long as I have to, if he's with someone. I'd hate to be the one responsible for this getting to him later than he'd like." She slipped on a sympathetic smile that suggested she wouldn't want Mephi to bear the brunt of her boss's wrath.
Mephi held Mel's gaze for a few seconds before she conceded her point and picked up the phone. "Mr Iblis, I have an angel here to see you." She managed to make it sound like something she'd found floating in the staff toilets.
"If you're talking about the girl standing at your desk with the papers in her hand, send her right in, Mephi," came a voice from behind Mel.
Mephi shrugged. "If you say so," she sniffed, clicking the phone handset back into place.
Mel nodded her thanks to Mephi with an unwavering smile, before turning to brave Luce in his lair. His office, she corrected herself, as she entered the airy space. She couldn't imagine a lair containing…
"Are those Pro Hart landscapes?" Mel asked eagerly. "I don't think I've ever seen the originals in oil before – just prints of them. It's the colours. They're always so vibrant, so real…"
"They are," Luce replied, "but you're not here to discuss my art collection. You've kept me waiting and I am far from happy." His eyes seemed to catch the light in odd ways, as if each was a singularity drinking the photons in, with no intention of releasing them.
Mel stepped forward and laid her papers on his desk. "The corrections you requested, along with a letter."
Luce gave the papers a cursory glance before turning the full pull of those dark eyes on Mel. "Do you know how long you've made me wait?" He lifted his chin. "Close the door."
For the first time, Mel felt a premonition of danger. The demon reclined in his desk chair with his hands in his lap, a picture of relaxed repose. Only his eyes seemed to belie the image – like a crocodile lurking beneath still, muddy waters. Did the crocodile know how much danger he was in?
"No," Mel said.
Nine
Luce snorted. "I can have you naked on the desk with the door open or closed. It makes no difference to me. You might be embarrassed later if Mephi hears you moaning, though, which she won't when you close the soundproof door."
Mel struggled not to laugh. She even swallowed her smile before she spoke. "And I can have you up on sexual harassment charges before you can get your hands out of your pants to zip them up. If you'd wanted to see me sooner, you should have left a written note or emailed me, instead of leaving a message with Lili. She only told me a few minutes ago that you wanted to see me." The sounds of furtive zipping confirmed what had only been a guess. "Do you want me to turn my back and wait a minute, while you finish putting your bits away? I wouldn't want anything getting stuck or hurt, with you rushing things and all."
To hide the laughter still threatening to escape, she turned and kicked the door shut. This demon wasn't dangerous – he was ridiculous, she decided.
"Now strip and get your arse on the desk," Luce instructed.
Mel stared at him. He couldn't be serious, could he?
"Every other girl in this building knows how to do as she's told. Do you know how many girls I've had on this desk? You should consider yourself lucky. The last one I had in here was so quick getting undressed that I managed to give her a full fifteen minutes of my time. At this rate, you'll be lucky to have five."
Mel became transfixed by the timber desktop. "Did you wipe it clean afterwards?"
"What?" Luce's face reddened.
"Did you wipe it clean afterwards?" Mel repeated patiently. "I mean, you work on it every day and my report's there now. At the very least, I'd give it a good spritz with the Spray and Wipe and some paper towel before I used the desk again for work. Imagine how many diseases and strange germs each of your, er, accommodating staff members contributed when they placed their bare behinds on your desk."
The shock on Luce's face was priceless. He edged his chair away from the suddenly suspicious surface.
"Did you want me to go ask Mephi if there's a bottle in the kitchen?" Mel offered. "I'm sure I could wipe your desk down for you, just this once, if it makes you feel uncomfortable. We can get the cleaners to include that as part of their regular evening duties, if you like." She coughed. "Ah, you might want to
zip up that last inch first…" She glanced away and heard the squeal of a quickly fastened zip. "There. That wasn't so hard, was it?"
A second too late, she realised her poor choice of words and it was her turn to blush.
Luce exploded with laughter. "You have no idea. I'm still trying to work out whether I should remind you that I can fire you if you don't do what I say, but something tells me you know that already."
Mel shrugged. "Sexual harassment and unfair dismissal. You'll be on a roll with the Equal Opportunity Commission with those two. You'll have a trifecta with the occupational health and safety risk of that unhygienic desk."
"It'll be my word against yours," Luce replied. Dark eyes seemed to bore into hers and Mel gave in to curiosity, looking deeper into a darkness that seemed too dense to be true. Did the demon have a soul under that thick layer of shadow, or was that miasma all that was left of his soul? Was his apparent humanity just an illusion?
Mel dropped her voice. "Everyone knows that angels don't lie, but demons do." She held his gaze until he closed his eyes, revealing nothing more.
"You've got balls, angel."
Mel lowered her eyes. "Actually, I don't, but we're not going there. I don't do demons, Luce. I gather there are some girls who like being ordered around like unpaid prostitutes, but I'm more of a dinner, flowers, chocolates and gradual sort of girl. And I really do prefer wings to horns." Her smile was apologetic. "Do you want to discuss my report? I believe the spelling mistakes were inserted by Lili or someone else who altered the document after it left my desk. I agree that my reports shouldn't have spelling mistakes in them, hence the present one is as near-perfect as I can make it."
Luce waved his hand dismissively. "I'm sure the report's fine now. Leave it with me."
"The only thing you wanted to discuss was whether I'd sleep with you?" Mel asked.
Luce seemed surprised. He evidently wasn't used to forthright angels, Mel mused. Perhaps she should have been more careful – or at least less frank.
Welcome to Hell Box Set: Paranormal Romantic Comedy Page 3