So gross and weird…
“Stay out of trouble, Lindsey,” Jim whispered. “I’ll see you later.”
Jim looked back at me and winked before he shut the door.
Chills went through my body.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I climbed off my bed and grabbed for the box of notes under the bed. I kept everything King ever sent to me.
I needed him.
It didn’t matter if anyone thought I didn’t know about love or that I was too young.
I needed King… then… and forever.
4
(lindsey)
*NOW*
I took the first drag of the first cigarette of the afternoon. I was on the roof of the nursing facility and the cigarette tasted better than chocolate pie. Truthfully, it tasted like shit, but the effect it had on my body was good enough to get me through the rest of the day.
My dream job of growing up and helping people became me working in a place that assisted those who were all but ready to let go. In the beginning there was a sense of reward and pride in the work, but after watching so many suffer, it was more or less a vicious form of torture that left me questioning way too much about life and faith.
The door swung open behind me and out came one of my co-workers, Betty.
“I thought you quit,” she said.
“I did. A long time ago.”
“Oh…”
“It’s just my afternoon break thing, that’s all.”
“You know, they can kill you,” Betty said. She twisted off the cap to a bottle of soda and took a drink.
“So does that,” I said.
“But those are worse.”
“You know,” I said, feeling a little more than pissed that I was getting bothered on my break. “Mrs. Donels just told me this beautiful story of her Henry picking her up for their date last night. A date that happened sixty fucking years ago. And when she got done telling me about the date, she started to cry, wondering where Henry was. That’s a woman who never touched a cigarette. A drop of soda. A drop of booze. Yet here she is…”
“Noted,” Betty said.
Betty slowly walked away to a different part of the roof.
The job may have been hell but the view was beautiful. It overlooked the entire city and right out to the town and mountains. Sometimes I stood there and wondered what was really out there. And every time I heard the rumble of a motorcycle engine I felt my heart race a little, taking me back to a much different time in my life.
I took two more drags of the cigarette and let the guilt sit in on me.
Fucking Betty.
I dropped the smoke and stepped on it.
I grabbed the door and tore it open.
My butt vibrated and I grabbed for my phone.
It was Nelson texting me.
I sighed.
I always sighed when Nelson texted me.
It was hard to explain.
Growing up with Aunt Jane as my mother figure set me up for a life of always seeking comfort. And generally, it was always the wrong places. She bounced from guy to guy, knowing that in her heart it was her first high school sweetheart that had always captured her heart. But that guy was married with two kids in Florida and looked nothing like the tough mechanic she remembered him as. So her second go around was with a guy she had hooked up with in college. That guy was Jim. He lasted for a while… right up until shit really hit the fan between me, him, and King.
It still made me shudder when I thought about what had happened.
Aunt Jane was still enjoying the free and single life, settling on a new guy every few months, only to lose him a few months later.
Not that I was much better.
I looked at the ring on my left ring finger and cringed.
Leave it to me to get a little too tipsy on wine and accept a ring from a guy that I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about. It was just like all those years ago. Never being actually certain of what I wanted or how I felt.
Except for one man.
But that one man was long gone though.
Sent to prison for murder. Waiting to be put to death. Yet I was still trying to grab at anything that resembled a string.
I felt pathetic.
I checked the text from Nelson.
Dinner tonight? Your place. I’ll cook.
My thumbs fumbled over the phone screen, hitting random keys. I deleted any attempt at a text and put my phone away. I twisted the ring on my finger so the small diamond pointed down. I didn’t really love Nelson, at least not in the way he thought he loved me. We were both looking for comfort and found it in each other. So what did that mean? We should get married? Have kids? Have a long, happy fucking fake life?
I turned the corner and walked right into the Administrator. She dropped a brown folder and papers scattered across the floor like it had just snowed.
“Shit,” I said. “Sherry. I’m so sorry.”
“Lindsey,” Sherry said. “You’re crying.”
“I’m… what…” I touched my eyes and realized I had tears. Shit. I wiped them away. “Oh. Sorry.”
I crouched to reach for some papers and Sherry grabbed my wrists. “Hey. Look at me. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“Rough day,” I said. “That’s all. Just a really rough day.”
Sherry knew how it went. I felt just as bad for her. She had to deal with families, insurance, money, everything. There were times when she had to have people removed from the facility because of financial issues, which was nothing short of disgusting and heartbreaking.
“Why don’t you go home early. Take the rest of the day off. I won’t say a thing.”
“I can’t do that,” I said.
“Trust me, you can,” Sherry said.
I lifted a piece of a paper and didn’t mean to look at it. It was a corporate email with a very clear headline of the possibility that the building could be shut down.
“What…”
Sherry ripped the paper from my hand. “You didn’t see that.”
“But I sort of did.”
Our eyes met. She shrugged her shoulders. “We’re fighting to save things. It’s not easy.”
“If this place closes…”
“Just go home and enjoy the rest of your Friday. Get a head start on the weekend. Please.”
Sherry stood and hurried away.
You ever get that feeling that the entire world is just crumbling all around you?
Yeah, that was pretty much my life, non-stop.
I got back to my feet and figured I wasn’t in a position to argue with my boss.
So I left work early.
It was a good feeling cutting out, kind of like when I used to do that in school. That always ended up with me in trouble though. Usually with King.
I missed it all.
I missed the trouble… I missed King…
I opened the piece of paper and grabbed my glass of wine.
Hey beautiful,
How’s everything going over there? You know, sometimes if I stand in Tito’s room and look out the window I swear I can see the very top of your house. I know that’s impossible, but it bothers me that we’re so close but so far. You know? I think it’s really fucked up. I want to come steal you, Linds. I want to take you away from that house and that life of yours. We both should get more out of all of this. Tito keeps telling me about chasing dreams and living a full life. I want that for myself. And you. I can’t stand that people say we’re too young. We know how we feel, right? So what the hell does it matter? It doesn’t matter.
Hey, maybe we can meet up at night. Really soon, too. I can work something out, if you’re willing to sneak out. I know your aunt and her husband run a really tight ship, but I’m thinking I can sneak to the tracks. Can you meet me there? I know that hill is a bitch to deal with. I can try and make you a path. Just give me the word and I can make it happen. I’ll do anything to see
you again. To kiss you one more time. Just like the last time, when we were standing in the rain. I love that day, Linds. But I also hate it. You know? I’m sorry the guys were all around us though, shouting at us. They’re assholes sometimes, you know? I hope you still have that rose I sent you. But why would you? It was so long ago. No way that thing could still be alive. But I can tell you what is alive. That’s my feelings for you, Linds. This is such shit right now.
We have to figure something out. I hope you get this letter before Jim does. He’ll probably read it, freak out, tear it up. That’s kind of funny though, right? So, hey, if you’re reading this, Jim, hey man… fuck you! You can’t fucking keep me away from the woman I love. Not a chance in hell.
Hey Linds, how was that? Would that really get under his skin, do you think?
There’s so much more I can say here and write but Tito is drunk and if Mom gets home and he’s not sleeping, she’s going to flip her lid. She’s killing herself, you know. These hours for this money is not right and fair. Tito told me there’s a way out of this but I don’t know what that means. He said he’s going to work the streets soon and fix it all. I hope so.
I miss you, Linds. I miss you everyday of my life. I miss you with everything I have in my heart. I think at this point I would kill someone to get near you. To hug you. To kiss you. To taste your lips again. It drives me crazy when I close my eyes and I can see you standing right in front of me. I try to taste you but I can’t. I remember… but I can’t. It’s the worst pain in the world, Linds. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But the crazy part is I hope you feel that same pain. Because it means you care the same as I do.
I have to go now. My house is getting a little crazy. Look up to the moon and the stars, okay? I’ll look every night and maybe we can look at the same night sky at the same time. Then it’s like we’re together.
I promise you, Linds, we’re going to be together. Forever.
Love you,
King
I wiped a stray tear and rolled my eyes to the back of my head for a second. How the hell could something written so many years ago still matter to me? Well, that answer, that was easy. Because it was so real and sincere. That’s what King always brought to me. Even when things didn’t work after that wild summer. He sort of moved on. I sort of moved on. But our paths always crossed. I always knew if I needed him he would be there. One phone call and King would be there to do anything I needed.
Right up until it all stopped.
His brother was murdered and that’s when King lost his edge for good.
I saw the life in front of me, the one that Aunt Jane lived. I thought I could escape it, but I missed the one element of it all. The reason why Aunt Jane slept around and bounced in and out of relationships was because of comfort. Because she knew who her true love was and knew she’d never find him again. That’s exactly what King meant to me.
But it could never happen now.
He was gone.
I was trying to convince myself to stay committed to Nelson.
“Nelson,” I whispered.
As if the guy could read my mind, my phone vibrated with a text that he was on his way over. I quickly put the letter away in the box of letters I kept from King. I slid it back under my bed and climbed to my feet. I took my wine out to the living room and tried to play everything off as normal.
I guess everyone had secrets, at least in their own little world. At least that’s how I believed it to be. I grew up in a world of secrets, Aunt Jane sometimes being straight with me, but most of the time trying to take care of herself. Not that I could blame her. She wasn’t meant to be my mother. The role fell into her lap and she took it.
Nelson knocked on the door.
At least I still had that. The fact that he knocked instead of just coming right inside, assuming the place was his. I told him I couldn’t leave the apartment because of my lease. He offered to help me get out of it but I told him no.
I opened the door and looked at him.
He wasn’t the one. He wasn’t the second, third, fourth… he wasn’t even in the race.
“Hey you,” he said with a grin.
“Nelson,” I said. “Look… I had a really bad day at work. I should have called you but I know you don’t listen unless we’re face to face.”
He looked perplexed. “What do you mean?”
“I just want to be alone right now,” I said.
“Seriously?”
“I’ve tried talking to you before…”
“I can’t even come in? My own woman won’t let me come in?”
“Please don’t make this like this. I don’t want to argue.”
“Lindsey, all we ever do anymore is argue,” Nelson said. “What’s going on with you? Are you seeing someone else?”
King’s letters popped into my mind.
“No,” I said. “I wouldn’t do that…”
My words were flat. Because if King were somehow able to crash back into my life, nobody could compete with that.
I needed self-control.
I needed to see who was in front of me. Far from perfect but at least he was present.
Nelson backed up, putting his hands up. “Fine. Whatever you want to do.”
I grabbed for him, but he shook me away. “Just wait a second.”
“What? What can you possibly have to say right now?”
My mouth opened but I had nothing. All that would come out was lies. Complete and total lies. I would say whatever needed to be said to make him happy. To make him feel good about himself. To attempt and convince myself that we were going to be okay.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Nelson said. He backed away some more. “Tell you what, Lindsey, I’m going to just bounce. When you need me, you’ll call me. And I’ll probably be dumb enough to show up and give a shit.”
Nelson walked away, leaving me with my jaw dropped.
I turned to face my lonely apartment and thought about crying.
Instead, I went back to my room and read more of the letters from King.
5
(king)
*NOW*
I faced the mirror and saw that my face was healing pretty damn good. The beating Johnny ordered on me was busted up by two other guards. Mick and Hank were on my side, whatever the fuck that meant. They roughed up the thugs that had beat me down and then they set their sights on Johnny. Words were exchanged but nothing happened to him.
They helped me up and together, everyone came up with a decent enough story that I was given some more freedoms in prison. I had a new cell in a new block. It was like a luxury upgrade with more leg room, less noise, and the smell of piss and sweat was pretty minimal. Shit, that alone was worth the beating I took.
I touched the corner of my eye and I flinched. I was worried a bone had been broken but it seemed to be fixing itself up just fine.
Johnny sent me a needle everyday, still tempting me to kill myself.
That was just how life was for me.
No matter how dark it all got, I still thought about the Reap every damn day. I heard through the channels in prison that my boy Knox had demanded the old table get back together. Leather cuts and all. I heard that Slam, Noah, Matteo, Elijah, Ari, and Liam were all at the table, all part of the crew. And that Uncle Jakey was still sitting at the head of the table, swinging the old gavel. It was amazing how they put up walls, fences, and barbed wire, yet I still knew damn near everything that was going on outside.
With the exception of one person… her.
I heard a whistle behind me.
I turned and Mick stood there. “Let’s get you for a walk. Some outside time.”
“You setting me up?” I asked.
Mick laughed. “No way, King. Come on.”
Mick opened my cell and stepped out. I offered my hands and he nodded, appreciating my cooperation as I was led through the prison. I was in no position to try and escape. Even a guy like Mick would shoot me dead. Hell, as much as I wanted to
be out, I was used to the life inside. As long as my boys outside were doing fine, I could handle anything that came my way.
That thought would become something like a plague for me.
Outside, the sun hit my face and it was a fucking beautiful thing. Take away the sights of the tall fences wrapped in barbed wire and towers where guards were ready with rifles to take anyone out, it was like I was free.
I took a deep breath.
“Feels good, huh?” Mick asked.
“You fucking with me, Mick?” I asked. “What is this?”
“Earned time,” he said. “Come on.”
We walked away from a group of inmates. They all stared me down like I had tentacles hanging off my fucking face. And why not? I was rumored to be the baddest guy in the prison. I was the guy all set, ready to be injected and sent to the reaper. Fuck, not even a fighting chance against the reaper, you know? Just a needle, some warm stinging feeling, and then darkness.
I already knew what I’d think about when that time came. I had a long time to figure it out. If I told the boys about it, they’d laugh me off. Knox would probably fucking try and knock my jaw off.
I smiled.
I goddamn missed him.
I missed all of them. I missed the Reap. I missed the life. I fucking missed protecting and looking after everyone and everything.
“Right around this shed,” Mick said.
We were at the far end of the outside compound. When I turned a corner, I more than half expected to be shot dead. I’d been around long enough to know what a set up looks like. And this was a clear as fucking day set up.
I turned the corner and braced myself, readying that final thought.
There was a man standing against the shed, a cigarette in his mouth. One foot up on the shed. His head back, bobbing left to right as though he were listening to music. But he had no earbuds in and there was no music.
“Here you go,” Mick said.
The man snapped his head to the right. When he saw me, he smiled. He took the cigarette out of his mouth. He stuck his hand out and nodded.
Outlaw King Page 2