Stephanie left her office late that evening, and she walked the three and a half blocks to the parking garage where she parked every day. As she walked to the garage, and throughout her forty-five minute drive home to the suburbs, her mind was focused on Derrick. She was split evenly with one half of her feeling extremely guilty about the conversation she had with him. She imagined how she would feel if she learned Jacob had the same conversation with another woman, and the guilt grew. The other half, however, felt sexier than she had felt in years, and the feeling was driving her wild. This time good sense prevailed, and she vowed to never speak with Derrick again.
***
Stephanie arrived home, and as she walked through the front door, she was greeted by Jacob. Jacob, who was lying on the couch, called out to her, “Hey sweetheart, I'm in the living room watching a movie.”
At five-foot-nine, Jacob stood just below average height, and he was in moderately decent shape with just the hint of a spare tire forming in his midsection. While he was in the military, Jacob took excellent care of himself and maintained a great physique, but those days have since passed, and he was settling into being comfortable with life. His light brown hair was kept short and slightly scruffy, and it suited his hazel eyes nicely.
Stephanie walked into the living room to find Jacob sitting on the couch. Leaving her black heels on, she sat on the coffee table directly in front of him. She leaned back, gently spread her legs, and said “How about you turn the television off, and I'll give you a different kind of show.” In her mind she felt that it would only be fair to her husband if she allowed him to enjoy what Derrick only got to fantasize about.
Jacob replied, “I'm sorry, but I'm just not really in the mood tonight. I had three really long flights today, and tomorrow I have an overseas with an overnight. I'll be back on Thursday, and I'll take you up on that offer then?”
Stephanie closed her legs, and reached forward slipping her shoes from her feet. She said, “Your loss, but if you change your mind, I'm all yours.” Stephanie knew Jacob wouldn't change his mind, so she drifted off into the bathroom for a long shower.
As the bathroom filled with steam, and the hot water poured down upon her tired body, Stephanie began to cry. For as long as she could remember, her life was constantly building towards something more. Junior high school was building up to high school, which lead to college, which lead to law school, which was for the purpose of being an attorney. Now that she was finally an attorney, she was absolutely miserable in her job and once again building up towards something else. She was exhausted and just ready to be where she wanted to be. Her marriage to Jacob was much of the same, and she felt their relationship was always a series of steps towards something different. She wanted, more than anything, to enjoy her husband in the present moment and not later in life.
After her shower, Stephanie and Jacob got into bed together and began talking about their respective days. Between Stephanie's new job and Jacob's career as an airline pilot, the two often found themselves catching each other on the go, and the end of the day was often the only time they were able to talk.
“What's wrong” Jacob asked. “I can always tell when something is on your mind.”
Stephanie replied, “It's a lot of things. I'm just really tired, and I don't want to talk about it.”
“Don't hold anything in, that only makes it worse. Come on, talk to me.” Jacob encouraged.
“It's not just any one thing. For starters, I hate my job. I busted my ass in law school, thinking that I would come out as some hot shot lawyer, but once I got there I realized I know almost nothing about being an attorney. So instead of working in an amazing law firm, like I imagined, I'm prosecuting menial cases, from a crappy office, and I'd probably make more money if I did almost anything else. It's so frustrating.”
“Remember when I first got out of the Air Force and the only flying job I could find was that shitty commuter airline?” Jacob asked. “I didn't want to work there; it was embarrassing. In the Air Force, I flew some of the largest jets on the planet, and then suddenly I'm flying a small seventy-two passenger jet between Providence and Long Island. You know you remember how much I was making there. What was it, less than fifteen dollars an hour? I stuck it out though, and I moved up. I'm not exactly where I want to be yet, but I'm getting close. And, babe, I'm happy.”
Stephanie pouted, “I know, I just want to be there too. I hate this.” She paused for a moment and asked, “And why didn't you want to let me be bad for you when I got home? I didn't want anything back, I just wanted to take care of you.”
Jacob said in an apologetic tone, “I'm sorry. It's not you at all. I really am just so tired tonight, and I know I have another long day tomorrow. Then tomorrow night I'm in a hotel before I come home the following morning. We both knew it would be like this until I get a permanent route; we have to deal with it until then.”
Stephanie knew the she wasn't just disappointed about that particular night, but all the nights, weeks, and months before. Her sex life with Jacob had eroded to virtually non-existent, but she did not feel like arguing. Instead she simply said, “You're right. I love you.”
Jacob gently kissed her on the lips, his kisses were always so gentle, and he said, “We'll be there soon. We'll have all the time in the world together, we can start working on having kids, and we'll be happy.”
Stephanie replied, “Yeah, we'll be happy.” She waited for Jacob to fall asleep, and she finished the task she had started in her office earlier that day. She tried desperately to imagine herself with Jacob while masturbating, but it was the images of Derrick which made her tremble. The text messages were deleted from her phone, but the mental image of being Derrick's “bad girl” was burned into her memory.
***
The following day, Karen joined Stephanie for lunch as usual. They were eating at an outdoor cafe located on a bustling city street along Boston Common. Droves of pedestrians were passing by, and the sidewalk was damp from an earlier morning rain shower. The scent of the rain still lingered in the air, and the two women were talking when Stephanie asked Karen, “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course, you can tell me anything,” said Karen. “Ooh wait, is it something good?”
“Please Karen, just promise that you won't tell anyone,” Stephanie pleaded. “I need to tell someone, and you're the only person I trust with this.”
Karen, becoming more serious, asked, “Is everything okay?”
Stephanie hesitatingly said, “I met a guy yesterday...”
Karen waited for a moment and asked, “You met a guy, and?” Stephanie paused longer until Karen said, “Oh you MET a guy!?!”
Stephanie was clearly embarrassed and said, “Be quiet!”
“You dirty whore!” Karen said with a kidding tone. “Details, I want details.”
“Nothing happened; we were just texting. But it wasn't just texting, it got so hot. That's what is bothering me about it. It bothers me that I could get so turned on by someone who isn't Jacob.”
Karen said, “Look, I don't want to know any more about it because things like this always end badly. You didn't go too far, so just stop now, and don't go any further. I mean come on, it's not like you fucked the guy; you texted him -- big deal!”
“I know, you're right,” said Stephanie.
Karen quickly responded, “Now that that's out of the way, tell me about him! Was he cute?”
Stephanie then proceeded to tell Karen the story of how she met Derrick at the pizzeria. She explained, “It's not so much that he's cute, it's how he talked to me. I don't know how to describe it. He just seemed to say the perfect things at the perfect times, and I don't know, I've never talked with someone like him. Then our text messages, oh my God, he had me so incredibly turned on!”
Karen said, “It's not a big deal; he's your fantasy guy.”
“My fantasy guy?” Stephanie asked.
“Yes, you're fantasy guy. I have one. Well, a few actually, but my fav
orite is Kevin from the Public Defender's Office. Think of it this way: how long have you and Jacob been together?”
Stephanie answered, “We've been married for just two years, but we started dating my first year of law school.”
Karen replied, in a reassuring manner, “You two have been together since you were basically kids. You can only be with someone for so long before it becomes boring, and sometimes you need a fantasy guy to light your fire again. Just keep him as your fantasy guy, and nothing more. Don't screw your marriage up over some guy just because he can text nasty. Don't text with him anymore, and don't let it go any further, okay?”
“I won't,” replied Stephanie.
“Promise me,” demanded Karen.
“I promise you, I won't talk to Derrick again.” Stephanie continued, “But me and Jacob haven't just become a little boring, it's almost like he has no interest in me at all. He is always 'too tired,' and he would rather play video games or watch a movie than have sex. And before you come back with 'maybe you need to spice things up,' I've tried so hard. Lingerie, watching porn with him, you name it and I've tried it.”
“You've tried everything?” Karen asked.
“Everything,” declared Stephanie. “It sucks, because every other aspect of our life together is amazing. When I was an undergrad before I met Jacob, I dated some very, ummm, fun guys. They all turned out to be assholes, but they were so fun in bed. I miss that raw naughtiness with a man.”
“Have you ever tried it from behind with Jacob, but you know, the other way?” Karen asked slyly.
“Okay, maybe not everything - that's just gross,” replied Stephanie.
Karen continued, while chewing her food, “Oh give me a break. Sometimes you just have to bite into the pillow and take it. It's not that bad, the first dozen times. Alright, it is that bad, but just try it.”
Stephanie made a scrunched up face and said, “You're so gross, Karen.”
Stephanie's conversation with Karen was suddenly interrupted by the waiter whom neither Karen nor Stephanie noticed to be standing right behind them. He said, “I really hate to kill this lovely conversation, but can I bring you ladies anything else?”
The two girls laughed so hard, and Karen nearly spit her half-chewed food onto the table. Stephanie, with her face burning red, answered, “No, we're fine, just the check would be great.”
The waiter replied, “That's too bad. I was hoping you two were going to stick around for a while.”
Lunch ended, the girls got back to the office, and once again Stephanie was alone with her thoughts. She knew her husband was going to be away for an overnight flight, and she would have the evening all to herself. She scrolled through the contacts in her phone until she came to the name Jenna. Stephanie fought the urge to text Derrick, and she put her phone down before resting her face in her hands. The confusion was more than she wanted, and she tried her best to pretend Derrick didn't exist.
***
Two weeks later, Stephanie hadn’t had any contact with Derrick, but she thought about him every day. One evening, she was making her long drive home, and as she traveled down Massachusetts' Route 24, the traffic was thick and had slowed to a crawl. Stephanie thought about her conversation with Karen, and she let her mind wander about ways to reignite the intensity with Jacob.
She thought of the pornography she had watched with Jacob in the past while they were dating, and she tried to recall the scenes which turned her husband on the most. Stephanie's first thought was having a threesome with another woman for him. This had long been a secret fantasy which she always hoped to one day fulfill. She immediately thought of the idea of her, Jacob, and perhaps Karen when she realized that she was never going to share her husband with a woman who was such a close friend.
Stephanie then thought of begging Jacob to ejaculate on her face as she knew he was coming close. She had let men do that in the past, but Jacob had never asked to, and perhaps her begging him would turn him on. Stephanie never enjoyed having that done to her, but she also knew that she could easily pretend to love it and do it in a way that would drive him wild. Stephanie then thought to herself, I want to be very bad for him, and she decided to let her husband do something she had never allowed.
Stephanie arrived home, and lured Jacob to the bedroom. Jacob kissed her softly, as he always did, and the two undressed one another. Jacob pulled Stephanie's top over her head, leaving her hair in a mess as the shirt passed by. He reached around, unzipped the back of her skirt, and it loosely fell to the floor. Stephanie slipped her heels off, and the two continued their foreplay on the bed.
As expected by Stephanie, she could sense Jacob's lack of interest, and she knew he was only participating to keep from fighting with her again. Stephanie then rolled to her hands and knees and decided to surprise Jacob with something she had never done. In her doggy-style position, she looked back at Jacob, and she reached to the back of her thong. Stephanie pulled her thong to the side, revealing her wet pussy and tight anus. She said, “Turn me into your bad girl. Do anything you want tonight.”
Stephanie watched as Jacob just looked at her in amazement, and she continued, “You can take me any way you want tonight. You can make me take it anywhere you want. Make me take it in my ass if you want -- I won’t say no.”
Jacob positioned himself behind Stephanie and gently grasped her hips. She held her breath, nervously waiting to find out whether Jacob would penetrate her as she was expecting. As his hips moved towards her, Stephanie bit into her pillow expecting the worst. The idea that she was willing to be so naughty for her husband made her excited, almost as excited as her texts with Derrick. Stephanie yearned to become Jacob's bad girl. Jacob entered Stephanie's vagina, and he began to make love to her from behind. Jacob made love to her at a steady, gentle pace, and there was no intensity. Stephanie told Jacob, “Be as rough as you want,” and “Do anything you want to me,” but her offers seemed to fall on deaf ears as Jacob never took advantage of her sexiest, most alluring offers. Jacob's thrusting only built in intensity as he was nearing his own climax, to which he ejaculated on Stephanie's back.
Upon finishing, Jacob flopped down on his side of the bed and said, “That was amazing. You are so sexy.”
Stephanie remained in that same position for a short time, and she contemplated the feeling of complete rejection. She was willing to do anything to spice up her sex life with her husband, she even offered to humiliate herself by allowing him to do something she had once sworn to never try. Instead of feeling sexy and attractive, she was left with nothing but a shallow, empty feeling.
Stephanie wondered why Jacob didn't look at her as being someone erotic, and she realized that she wanted to be someone's bad girl, and at this point, she was willing to be anyone's bad girl. With her face in the pillow and Jacob's semen on her back, Stephanie's mind raced towards thoughts of Derrick. At that precise moment, an insatiable obsession began, and Stephanie felt as though she could no longer resist the temptation of what Derrick could offer.
As Jacob went into the bathroom to wash up, Stephanie reached for the damp towel on the floor to clean her back. Stephanie looked to be certain Jacob was in the shower, and she sent a one word text message that would alter her life forever,
“Lunch?”
Within moments, Stephanie received a response with Derrick replying, “You know where. 12:30.”
An intoxicating rush of adrenaline swept through Stephanie's body as she anticipated the thought of seeing Derrick again. She barely knew this man, but he was beginning to coarse through her veins, and Stephanie hadn't felt so alive in such a long time.
Jacob climbed into bed and wrapped his arm around Stephanie. He let out a relaxing sigh and said, “That was amazing. I'm glad you loved it.”
“And just what makes you think I loved it so much?” Stephanie asked.
Jacob smiled at her and answered, “I can see it in your face. You just look so happy right now. It's almost like you're glowing.”
Stephanie's heart skipped a beat from the guilt she was feeling, because she knew the happiness was not brought about by Jacob. It was crushing her to know that someone other than her husband was making her feel this way, but even the guilt couldn't smother the excitement she was feeling for the following day's lunch date.
Jacob then reminded Stephanie, “Don't forget to wake me up before you leave for work tomorrow. I have an overnight again tomorrow, and I want to kiss you before you leave.”
“I won't forget,” Stephanie sighed as she pulled the covers to her chin and a smile ran across her face. “I love you, Jacob.”
***
The following morning, Stephanie took extra care when getting ready for work. She picked just the right outfit, styled her hair perfectly, and applied her makeup as if it were her wedding day. She stood before the mirror and saw herself wearing a black, pinstriped pencil skirt, a black low cut sweater, and her favorite patent leather pumps with bare, tanned legs. Her brown hair fell just below her shoulders, with perfectly styled waves. She thought, Derrick's going to love this.
Stephanie's morning was spent preparing for her upcoming trial peppered with interruptions from Webber. He would routinely pull Stephanie from whatever she was doing any time something of interest came into the office. He enjoyed teaching the new attorneys the craft of their trade, and usually Stephanie was eager to learn. She was having a hard time focusing on Webber, however, when all she could think about was her first date with her mysterious new friend. As her and Karen's usual lunch time drew near, Karen entered Stephanie's office.
“Well, well, well – don't we look nice today?” Karen said while looking at Stephanie. “What's the occasion?”
“Nothing specific. I just wanted to look cute today,” replied Stephanie.
The Suicide Princess Page 2