“I’ll be down there.” I faced the blackened beach out the window to show him where I meant and turned to leave.
“Oh my God, oh my God, I’m going to do this, aren’t I?” I asked after taking a long swig of champagne. “I have to do this. How could I not? How could I never know how it would be?” It scared me a little that I was speaking out loud, but the intensity of the moment overpowered my self-judgment.
I shivered as I realized I was standing alone, talking to myself at the beach, in a short dress on a cold night in December. And Dave was taking too long. Maybe he wasn’t coming. Maybe he heard me mumbling to myself and figured I lost it. But he was suddenly standing in front of me with a warm, heavy blanket from his car. We found a cove that was completely dark and couldn’t be seen by anyone and wrapped ourselves in the blanket, pressed against each other.
I nuzzled my face into his hair and inhaled as deeply as I could. That combined with the moist beach air caused his gel to lose hold as chunks of his naturally wavy, soft hair fell loosely onto his face.
“You used to use a shampoo that smelled like apples,” I mumbled into his scalp as I kissed it. “But now your hair smells like cloves. I love both scents. So different and so sexy.”
He pulled away. “I can’t believe you noticed. I… the girl I dated over the summer, she didn’t like the apple smell, said it was like baby shampoo, so she made me switch. I didn’t think you paid attention to little things like that about me. I thought it was just me who’s that way about you. I can always tell when you change your hair a little, or wear a new shade of lipstick. It doesn’t matter though, you’re always perfect to me. I could look at your face forever. But I didn’t know you felt…”
“Oh my God, Dave, you have no idea how much I’ve thought about you, everything about you. Your smell, your face, your body—your sweet voice and the beautiful things you say to me. You make me feel so seen, so heard, so understood. And I think about the night we were together all the time. The way you held me and sang to me. I was so…. I…” I gasped for air. He put his hands on the back of my head and drew me into him in slow motion. We kissed and kissed and kissed. Taking a break to breathe, I held the bottle to him. He took a long drink and I did too. Then we went back to kissing. His erection pressed into me so hard and it felt as though we were about to pick up right where we left off when we were alone in his apartment, in this exact same state of rapture. It was as if the time between the two moments had completely collapsed. I was there again, finally given a chance to complete what fate demanded. It had to be.
I pulled my dress up from behind. We were wrapped like a burrito in the blanket on the sand, which made it difficult for him to pull away from me, but he did his best. I tore the dress off over my head, tossing it aside, not caring where it landed. His hands found their way around my torso again and moved up higher to unclasp my bra, but they were shaking too much so I reached back and did it for him. The bra slid to my waist as he took my breasts into his mouth. I leaned back, moaning, tingling, wanting like never before.
He stopped for a moment and looked into my eyes, fighting for breath. “Is… this… really… happening?” he asked and my heart melted. I didn’t need to answer. It was the same question I was asking myself and he knew it.
His fingers made their way inside my lace black panties and up into me, first one, then two, then three. I wriggled with ecstasy and need.
Pulling at his pants with my clumsy, quivering hand, I couldn’t find the button. He took over and we were both naked in our blanket. I had to touch him, to remember what I only had a moment’s introduction to the last time. It was just as smooth and long, round and thick as I remembered. I had wondered if my recollection was correct or if it was my imagination so many times, given that he wasn’t a large person in general. But my memory was correct. He was uncommonly endowed and I was about to discover what magic he and his gift of nature could deliver.
“Do you, do you have something?” I asked, thinking how crazy it was that I couldn’t bring myself to say the word in a moment like this.
He rolled over to pull the package out of the pocket of his pants. As I watched him slide the thin sheath over himself, I felt a twinge of fear that I might not be able to take all of him. It was more than anything I had known.
He kissed me again, our naked bodies now writhing and twisting with him on top of me, as he held himself back.
Still breathless, he choked out the words, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, yes, now,” was all I could get out.
I squealed in euphoric agony as he entered me. It was unlike anything I had felt before.
“Ahhh. Owww. Ahhh. Ohhh.”
“Are you all right?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Just go slow. Okay?”
He pulled out a little. It seemed this was a familiar situation for him.
I rolled over on top of him to control the motion myself, but still I couldn’t take much more. I lifted my body up and down, easing my way, wanting to let him all the way into me. But it felt almost as if something would break or snap inside me if I did. I moved my body side to side and around in circles holding him tight in place and I felt with my hand to find that I was still only managing a little more than half of him.
“Just…” I gasped. “Just let me work at it. I can do it.”
He pressed his lips against mine hard. “It’s okay. I’m going to…. Ohhh. Ohhh.”
His body tensed as he moaned and then he was motionless underneath me, except for his rising and falling chest.
“I’m so sorry, Beth. I’m really sorry. I couldn’t hold back because I’ve wanted you for so long. It’ll be better next time. I should have gone slower. It would have been okay if you just had more time.”
That was it. I’d done it. It was done. The regret and self-loathing that suddenly washed over me made me want to run out into the ocean and end the excruciating physical and emotional pain. But I couldn’t move. I was sitting upright and naked on top of Dave, whose limp, still too large penis, the filled condom hanging off the end, had flopped over onto his thigh.
I moved away from him, away from it, but needed some warmth, so I turned my back to him and started to softly cry into the folds of the blanket that kept us trapped together.
I cried for so long as he stroked my back. I didn’t mind it, but I knew for certain now that he was the wrong person. That I made something out of this that wasn’t real and that I could now count him as one of the casualties of my selfish madness. The only comforting thought I had in that moment was that one day maybe I could write this all off to a crazy mid-life crisis period.
He finally broke the silence. “Do you want me to take you home?”
I didn’t know where home was anymore. I couldn’t have him bring me back to my lonely, empty house.
New tears streamed down my face as I found my clothing and dressed myself. All I could do was tell him the truth.
“I need Rick. You have to take me to Rick.”
CHAPTER 20:
COMING HOME
A LOOK OF ABJECT TERROR overtook Dave’s face.
“It’s okay,” I assured him. “You can just drop me off. He won’t even know you took me there. But you have to, please. I drank a lot more than you. I can’t drive. If you don’t take me to him now, I don’t know how I’ll get through this.”
We didn’t speak for the first ten minutes. I sat in silence, brushing the sand off my dress and weighing the different ways I could explain to Rick. But first, Dave and I needed closure. I wanted it as much as he did, but couldn’t fathom how to make it happen.
“Pull over, Dave.” He did, but he misunderstood.
With a determined look on his face, he said, “It just takes a while to get used to. I’ve had girlfriends. We always work it out. If I had gone slower, eased in more, it would have been okay. You have to believe me, Beth. If you give me an
other chance, it’ll be so much better. It can be so good.”
If only we could go back in time, I thought, blinking fresh tears from my eyes.
“You think this is about sex? It’s not. Maybe you’ll never believe that. But I promise you it’s true. I know it would get better in time. You’re, well you’re what women are supposed to want, everything about you, especially… that quality.”
I didn’t know how to say the rest in a way that wouldn’t hurt him, yet I had to get it out and make him understand that there was no longer a question in my mind.
“But my husband is the man I need to be with, for so many reasons. Deep down, I knew that before tonight, but I must have needed one final test. And now that I’ve crossed the line all the way, my chances may be shot. But I know I have to put everything I have into trying to make it work.”
He looked out the car window, rejected, but less ashamed of my new discovery about him.
“We had something real in its own way, Dave. Something sweet and intense. But nothing can live up to a fantasy, whether it’s a steamy affair or the white picket fence, happily ever after story. There’s always something that’s not right, something that doesn’t exactly fit. And life is about choices. We can’t have it all. We have to choose which realities come closest to our fantasies.”
“So your husband is closer to your fantasy than I am?”
I smiled as more tears spilled out. “I couldn’t see it until…”
“Until tonight, I know, until you were with me,” he said, unable to hide the anger in his voice. He had been careful not to direct any negative feelings toward me before. Was I fooled into thinking he never would?
“You have to listen to what I’m saying. It would have been this way no matter what happened on that beach. Even if it was the best sex of my life, I still would have felt like shit after and come to realize with more certainty than ever that I want my family back. That nothing, no one, is worth giving up what I have, or what I had and need to try to get back.”
He didn’t seem to have anything more to say. I asked him to let me out down the street from Lucy’s townhouse.
“This is it, Dave. We’re both free of each other now. You’ll see how much better it is this way in the end.”
He looked straight out the front window. “I hope he forgives you. I hope you can go back to the life you had before. I wish you all the best.”
“Thank you. And I…” I didn’t really know what to say, what to wish him, so he saved me from trying to finish.
“Just go. You don’t have to say anything. Just go to him and tell him what you told me. Fucking lucky bastard. I’ll wish I could be him all my life. Now go.”
But I knew he wouldn’t wish he could be Rick all his life. Time would pass and I would fade into the blur of countless women he would fall in and out of love or lust with before he finally met his one and only.
“Goodbye, Dave.” I knew with complete certainty that they were the last words I would ever say to him.
* * *
“What are you doing here?” Rick asked, but I could have sworn he sounded glad to see me.
“What are you doing here?” I responded. “I thought you would still be with Wendy and I’d have to use my key to let myself in and wait for you.” I was so glad the kids were sleeping at my parents’ place.
“Come in,” he said. We sat down on Lucy’s mauve couch in the living room. “I never made plans to go out with Wendy. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want it to affect your date.”
“But you said… we were both supposed to…”
“I know. I lied. Sorry. I had to. I knew what you needed to do and I wanted you to learn whatever you were supposed to learn from it. Why did it end so early?”
“You know the part in When Harry Met Sally when he realizes she’s the one for him and runs through the streets of New York City to find her and tell her?” I asked him.
He smiled.
“My date with Dave ended with that moment for me. I want you back. I want us back, our family. You’re the perfect person for me. Our differences are the best part about our relationship. You make me a better me. Everyone else could see it. Even Jill tried to tell me. I know we both have a lot more growing to do, but why can’t we do it together? Why can’t we support each other through it and start over?”
He stared down at his hands and took a deep breath. I got the feeling he was about to say “yes.” I couldn’t let him. He had to know the truth first.
“But, it might be a long time until we can give it a try again. I can wait. I don’t want anyone else, ever. I’ll wait for you, for as long as you need.”
He moved closer to me and put his hand on my knee.
“I don’t need time, Beth. I’ve been thinking the same thing. I had already decided that if… well if it didn’t go well for you with Dave tonight, I was going to ask you if I could move back home.”
Caressing my leg, he went on. “Our talks lately have been so different. I’ve felt closer to you than ever. We’re communicating really well, finally putting everything we’ve learned in therapy into practice.”
He smiled as he went on, now running his hand up and down my arm. “And my mom, all she talks about is how much she wants us to be together again. She keeps telling me that you’re the only woman for me. That I need to be more relaxed about things and let you be you. That everyone makes mistakes, reading me all her bible verses about forgiveness and mercy.”
Maybe I should pick up a bible myself, I thought. It had provided comfort and direction in the past, and maybe it could again, at least some parts—the ones about forgiving us our trespasses and not throwing the first stone.
He opened his mouth to say more but I couldn’t take it. I reached out and put my hand over his lips.
“No. No. Don’t say anything else. I might have ruined it. You’re going to feel different in just a minute, but please consider the possibility that you can forgive me in time. Please.”
His eyes were filled with fear and sadness and I didn’t know how to tell him. I just stared at him, paralyzed, and started to weep.
I picked up the embroidered pillow from Lucy’s couch that read, “Grandkids are Happiness” and buried my face in it to muffle my pathetic wailing.
Rick put his hand on my shoulder and I grabbed it with my free hand, the other remaining firm as it pressed the pillow into my face. I hoped all traces of makeup were gone and the clear tears wouldn’t stain the gift I had given her to celebrate Sam’s birth all those years ago.
“I’m so sorry, Rick. I’m so sorry for everything. I’ve made so many mistakes. I have a lot to work on. I have no right to ask you to forgive me but…”
I put the pillow down and turned to face him, warm, salty tears spilling into my mouth as I opened it to finally speak the words. This time he covered my lips.
“Don’t say it,” he said. “I don’t want to hear it yet. Not tonight.”
“But…”
“I know, I’m sure we’ll spend hours talking about it all in therapy and alone together. I just can’t do it tonight.”
My body convulsed with sobs and he took me into his arms. I held him so tight and we cried together for what seemed a long, long time. He pulled away first.
“I still want to come home,” he announced, as if he had to convince me.
“Of course,” I gushed. “I want that more than anything. And the kids will be so happy. You belong with us. But I need to make sure you understand what I was trying to tell you.” I didn’t want to have to say it yet either, but I couldn’t let him make the decision to come home if it wasn’t clear.
“I do. I know. I could see it in your eyes when you were about to say it. You had my blessing to go on the date, to do anything you needed to do. We were separated. I’m not ready to hear about it though. I still want to move back in but I think
I’ll get an air mattress to sleep on for a while.”
I nodded. “Of course. Whatever you want, as long as you’re home. I’ve missed you so much. It’s unbearably lonely without you in the house. But, I have to ask, what about your mother? She didn’t sound good the last time I talked to her. Doesn’t someone need to be here with her? Should you stay until she’s… doing better or starting treatment, or something?”
Rick leaned his head back and clasped his hands together on his forehead. I waited, confused.
“I hope you’ll forgive me for this,” he said, and I couldn’t begin to guess what he’d be asking forgiveness for. “I should have told you sooner. I’ve known for two months. I found out the day after you told me about the date with Dave.”
“You’ve known what?”
“That she’s not going to make it. Kelly and I are taking her to hospice tomorrow.” He rolled forward, head in his hands and made a sound I had never heard come from him before, the most heart wrenching sound I had ever heard. I picked the pillow up from the floor and clutched it to my chest, crying, “No, Lucy. No, Lucy. Sweet, sweet Lucy.”
CHAPTER 21:
GOODBYES AND HELLOS, THROUGH RICK’S EYES
MY DAMN TIE WAS STRANGLING ME. I loosened it as I collapsed onto the couch. The house was packed full of people. Beth and her mother scrambled to set out trays of hors d’oeuvres. Sam and Jack were playing tag in the backyard with their cousins and the other guests’ kids.
Kelly sat next to me and I could see the same exhaustion and heartache I felt on the inside all over her outside.
“Hey li’l sis, how you holding up?”
Her eyes were bloodshot. “I can’t believe she’s actually gone. When will it sink in?”
“Maybe never,” I said, putting my arm around her.
“I keep picking up the phone to call her, you know?” I did know.
Beth walked up and offered us some kind of breaded mushroom puff things. We both declined.
Is This What I Want? Page 18