“Did he say anything else?” he asked. There was a snide, falsely curious undertone to his voice.
I felt the air rush out of me as my bubble burst. He might as well have punched me in the stomach.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He shrugged and turned to look out the window again. “Nothing. Never mind.”
“If you have something you want to say, say it.”
He shook his head, refusing to look at me.
“That’s not fair. This whole thing—me trying my hand at writing—it was all your idea. Now I’m excited about Eli giving me a chance, and you’re pissed off?” He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to the window. “Fine. Forget it.” I stormed out of the living room and into the office, slamming the door.
I paced like a caged animal, muttering about how unfair he was being. He’d gone on and on about me quitting the job at Vic and finding a passion, a vocation—and now someone was inspiring me to take a chance, and he was angry because I was enthusiastic about connecting with that person? How infantile!
A quiet tapping on the door interrupted my angry monologue. I made a few more laps of the room, fuming quietly. He knocked again, louder this time.
“Aubrey? Can I come in?”
I gritted my teeth and opened the door. “It’s your condo. You can come and go wherever you please, Daniel.”
“And right now you’d be happy if I went to hell, I’m guessing?”
“What you said out there wasn’t fair. You made me feel guilty for being excited.”
He shook his head and sighed. “It was your face, as you were talking. Something inside you was lit up. And that’s great. I want that for you. I was just wishing…well, I wish I’d done that for you, and not Eli Cantor.”
His lip curled as the said Eli’s name. What the hell?
“Daniel, you can’t colonize every part of my life. You have to let other people help me too.”
“I know. It’s just, if it was anyone but him…Fuck…” His hands rose, his fingers knotting above his head.
“What’s this about? Do you have a history with him? Some sort of grudge? You’ve been weird about this since Jeremy mentioned Eli’s name at Penny and Brad’s place, and you weren’t happy when you told me Jeremy had set up today’s meeting. Now that I think of it, you were miserable before I left this morning, too. What’s going on?”
He shook his head. “It’s nothing.”
“Don’t do that! I know something’s wrong. You all went to UCC together. Did he steal your grade nine girlfriend or something?”
My tone had crept into spiteful territory. Daniel narrowed his eyes. I was pushing the envelope. I should have stopped, but I couldn’t seem to control my temper.
“That’s it, isn’t it? He got the girl you wanted, and you’re afraid he’s going to steal me, too?”
He shook his head. “No, Aubrey, you’re wrong.”
“I don’t think I am. I think I’m right on the fucking money, and you’re afraid to admit you’re jealous because we’ve been down this road and you said you wouldn’t do this again.”
He made his way to the door, where he turned and looked at me steadily.
“He didn’t steal my girlfriend,” he said. “He stole Jeremy’s.”
He walked out, pulling the door closed behind him with a soft click.
“Oh shit.” I brought my fingers to my temples and shook my head as my pulse beat in my ears.
Blindsided, I dropped onto the couch. I tried to imagine Eli—cardigan-and-corduroy-wearing Eli—as a ruthless lothario who went around stealing other guys’ girlfriends. And not just any guy either. Lovely, sweet Jeremy. But he’d been a perfect gentleman with me.
I stared at the closed door, contemplating my next move. I could stomp out and demand to know why Daniel hadn’t explained this story sooner, but I didn’t need to do that. The reason was clear. He hadn’t wanted to color my perception of Eli. He’d kept his feelings to himself, but today the dam had burst. Then I’d jabbed at his underbelly spitefully until he’d buckled.
It had been a while since we’d argued, but the ache in my heart was familiar—not a feeling one easily forgets. I crossed the room, passing through to the hallway.
“Daniel?” I called out.
He was at the front door, jamming his keys into his jacket pocket. He had a baseball cap pulled down over his eyes.
Bleakness bloomed like a hideous weed in my heart. “Where are you going?”
“I need to take a break and cool off.”
He left without looking back. No slamming. No shouting. It was the kind of quiet anger I’d frequently witnessed after my parents had fought—an anger that had evolved into resentment over the passing years.
He needed a break from me.
Sarah’s words returned with a vengeance.
“You’re lucky you have this place to escape to when you need a break.”
What about Daniel? I was in his space. Where was he supposed to go? I decided I’d make things easier for him. I’d give him tons of space. I grabbed a pen and a message pad and scrawled a quick note:
Daniel,
Take however long you need. I’ll be at Jackman.Call if you want.
Aubrey
I gathered a few things, grabbed my own keys, and left. All the way to Jackman, I clutched the Swarovski keychain, my face burning with shame and tears pricking at my eyes.
Someone knocked gently on my bedroom door. Then a muffled voice called my name.
“Aubrey?”
I sat up on my bed. “Come in, Jo.”
“Hey.” She popped her head in then came to sit beside me. “I saw your shoes in the front hall when I got back from my run. I hoped that meant you were here. I miss you. How are you?”
“I’ve been better, I guess.” I tucked my knees to my chest. “Daniel and I had a fight.”
“Oh, no. What happened?”
I explained the events of the afternoon, trying to present as unbiased a version of what had happened as I could.
“I didn’t know what else to do, so I came here,” I said.
Joanna looked at me quizzically. “Mind if I play devil’s advocate?”
“I guess not.”
“You said you didn’t know what else to do. Couldn’t you have waited for him to come home?”
“He said he needed a break. I’m in his condo, and he feels like he has to leave if he wants a breather. That hardly seems fair. He’s been out of sorts the last few days. Maybe I’m getting on his nerves.”
She thought for a minute. “He’s probably home by now. When he read the note you left, what do you think went through his mind?”
I frowned. “I told him to call me when he was ready. That was over two hours ago. He hasn’t called. What does that tell you?”
“Any number of things. Maybe he thinks you’re so ticked that you don’t want to be with him anymore. Or he’s feeling bad and wishing you guys could sort this out, but he’s too proud to make the first move. Or he’s drunk himself into a stupor…”
“Or maybe he’s not ready to talk yet.”
“Maybe,” she mused. “You were leaving the ball in his court with your note, but why not swallow your pride and open the door? You guys got yourselves into a nasty mess in March by not communicating properly. Don’t let history repeat itself.”
I glumly stared at the wall. Jo leaned over, pulling a silk ribbon from a basket on the corner of my desk.
“This is something my mom told me once,” she said, stretching the ribbon out between her hands and then tying a loose knot on one end. “Imagine this is your relationship with Daniel.” She handed me the ribbon and pointed at the knot. “This is where you are right now. Untie it.”
I slipped the knot free.
“Pretty easy, right?” she said. “There’s a small bump on the fabric, but you can smooth it down. If I’d pulled the knot really tight, it’d be harder to untie, and there’d be a big dent left behind.”
&nbs
p; I flattened the ribbon across my leg. “Meaning the more you drag out conflicts the harder they are to recover from, and the more damage they leave behind?”
“Precisely.”
“How’d you get to be so smart?” I smiled at her gratefully.
Jo patted my hand. “Sounds to me like you both overreacted. You need to talk everything through.” She made her way to the door, turning before leaving. “It’s great to see you, and I’d beg you to stay and hang out with me, but I think there’s somewhere else you should be.”
She slipped out of my room, closing the door behind her.
Jo was right. It was time to untie a knot.
Chapter 12
Tongue-Tied Sorrows
Those gracious words revive my drooping thoughts,
And give my tongue-tied sorrows leave to speak.
(Henry VI, Part III, Act III, Scene iii)
I STOOD OUTSIDE DANIEL’S condo for ages, repeatedly reaching for the doorknob, only to drop my hand and step back each time. I could hear music through the door. Like our stubbornness, this tendency to listen to emotionally wrenching music as we wallowed in misery was a predisposition we shared.
I reached for the doorknob one last time and slowly twisted it open. Daniel was in the living room, but he didn’t register my arrival. He was staring out the window, his back to me, just as he’d been when I’d returned from my meeting with Eli earlier. I lowered my bag to the floor and set my keys on top. Then I crossed the room and stood behind him. When the song finished, I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it.
“Hi,” he said quietly, not turning to look at me.
“How did you know I was here?”
“Blind hope, I guess.” He slowly spun around and looked at me mournfully. “Every time I turned around this afternoon, I hoped you’d be standing there. This time I got lucky.”
I’d barely managed to breathe the words, “I’m sorry,” before he pulled me into his arms, his hand stroking my cheek, our foreheads touching, then noses, then lips. I knew we needed to talk, but in that moment, I had absolutely no desire to speak. I just wanted this—this holding and touching and clasping—this desperate breathing and kissing which became a fumbling of buttons and frantic tearing at clothes. Irrational as it was, this was somehow all I wanted.
We stumbled toward the dining room table, and he spun me around, bending me across the surface, lifting my skirt, and hastily slipping my panties off. A rush of desire flooded through me as Daniel fumbled with his jeans and then pushed my legs apart with his knee, sinking into me with a hissing breath. With his chest flush with my back and his hands tangling in my hair, he bit the fleshy part of my shoulder. I winced, but didn’t tell him to stop. I needed his urgency, his lust, his raw desire. Our movements were determined and focused—purely carnal. Release was the goal, and neither of us pretended otherwise.
With his movements, my hips crashed repeatedly against the edge of the table, and I reached up to pull his hair, a rebuttal of sorts, an homage to what I’d done earlier with words after he’d hurt me with his indifference. When he bit my shoulder again, I dug my nails into the back of his neck, making him curse and slam into me harder. He said my name, and I answered with his until we were both panting, urging each other on.
“Faster,” I gasped.
He drove against me relentlessly, and I closed my eyes, lost amid waves of pleasure.
“Open your eyes,” he begged. “Look at me, Aubrey…”
I blinked up at him, riding out the deep, shuddering throes of my orgasm. His gaze didn’t falter, remaining locked on mine as he sucked in breath after breath through clenched teeth. At last, he collapsed across my back, one hand twisted in my hair, the other gently stroking between my legs. After a few moments he withdrew, kissed my cheek, and carefully pulled my skirt down. I adjusted my shirt while he hiked his jeans up.
“Take my hand,” he whispered.
He led me to the washroom where he undressed me with infinite care. I shivered as he kissed the tender spot on my shoulder, feeling not just naked, but completely exposed. He helped me slip my robe on and gently gathered my hair up. This gesture, so reminiscent of our earliest encounters, made my heart sting with its sweet simplicity.
“Daniel…”
The soft touch of his fingers against my lips stopped my words. “Shh. We’ll talk in a minute.”
He perched on the edge of the tub and turned the taps on full blast. I stood by his side, gripping his hand tightly. Once the bath was filled, he undressed and stepped into the tub. Leaving my wrap on the floor, I climbed in and settled between his outstretched legs, swallowing thickly as he hugged me.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he whispered against my temple.
I shook my head, my fingers unconsciously tracing the spot where he’d bitten me. “I would have said something if you were really hurting me.”
“I was actually talking about earlier,” he said.
“Oh. Right.”
“I didn’t share your enthusiasm. That was wrong.”
“I couldn’t wait to tell you about my meeting with Eli. I thought you’d be happy for me.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Me too. I said some awful things about you being jealous. From the way you were reacting, it seemed like you assumed I was into him. I lashed out. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I felt wretched afterward.”
“We’re quite a pair.”
“Yes we are.”
He rested his chin on my head and ran his fingers gently across the swell of my breasts. I closed my eyes and relaxed into his touch.
“Tell me something, honestly, Daniel. Were you mad as soon as Jeremy brought up Eli’s name at Penny and Brad’s that night?”
He sighed heavily. “I hadn’t heard his name in years. Just the mention of him made me want to hit something.”
“I knew you were pissed off.”
“Then when Jer told me he’d set something up, I tried not to let it bother me that you were meeting with him, you know? I tried to dismiss how aggravated I was. In the end, I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t annoyed anymore.”
“Why do you hate Eli so much? So he stole Jeremy’s girlfriend, or however you want to put it, but Jeremy’s forgiven him. They’re even friends. Why are you holding a grudge?”
“Jeremy has an amazing capacity for forgiveness. If he wasn’t that way, he’d be eaten alive with anger over what happened to his parents. I don’t mean to condescend, but you don’t have siblings. You might not understand the protectiveness a brother can feel. I didn’t go through that breakup, but witnessing it? I swear it was almost as bad.”
“What happened?”
“You know how I told you Jeremy was a unique character in high school? He was kind of eccentric, but to a bunch of high school kids, he was just a weirdo. He used to drag this sketchpad around with him—always drawing. Similar to me and writing, I guess. Anyway, most people thought he was a freak.”
“Kids are so cruel.”
“It was awful watching all the assholes at school judging him. But then he met Naomi at an arts camp in the summer after eleventh grade, and she saw him for what he really was—a sensitive guy trying to come to terms with the baggage he’d been forced to carry around. She gave him a chance. He really came out of his shell thanks to her. He adored her.”
“How did Eli fit into all that?”
“Naomi went on a bit of a religious kick in twelfth grade—she’s Jewish. She got immersed in activities at the synagogue where she met Eli, and he convinced her that staying with Jeremy would be a bad idea because her parents wouldn’t permit a long-term relationship. After being with Jeremy for a little over a year, she broke up with him and took up with Eli. Jer was devastated. He totally withdrew again.”
I thought about Jeremy, imagining him being abandoned by his first love. “That’s sad, but it was years ago. I’m sorry for Jeremy’s broken heart. But he has Julie now, and they’re in love. Can’t you let it go? It’s not
healthy to carry grudges for so long.”
“You’re right. And if I’m really honest, I think my anger at him was mixed in with my aggravation that you were prepared to accept his help so quickly after casting aside my attempts without so much as a second thought—”
“I’m sorry, Daniel, it’s just—”
“Let me finish, Aubrey, please?”
“Okay.” I settled back against him.
“You know I’m not jealous, right? At least not in the way you think. I know you’re not going to run away with him or something.”
“Of course I know that. What I said earlier was stupid.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that. I have to admit, though, I am jealous that he gets to be the one who opens a door for you. Why does it have to be him, of all people?”
“When Jeremy described him to me, he seemed accessible—way less imposing than meeting the editor of The Globe and Mail.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“Maybe not, but it’s not fair to invalidate my feelings. Besides, look at it this way—Jeremy asked for a favor, and Eli agreed to help him…to help me. It’s like Eli’s getting a chance to do something to make amends. Even if that’s not why he’s helping me, does it help to look at the situation that way?”
“I suppose.” He sighed. “So, if I promise to try to get past my aversion to Eli Cantor, will you let me help too, if I can?”
“Of course. I’d love that.”
“You really liked him, huh?”
“He was very kind and encouraging.”
“Then I’ll do my best to get along with him.” He shifted his position so he could see my eyes. “Can I ask you something? I was thinking about what you said about me trying to colonize your life. You don’t think I’m one of those obsessive guys who tries to control his girlfriend’s every move, do you?”
I sat up, the water swishing as I moved. “That’s not what I meant.”
His expression was pained. “After you said that, I worried that maybe I’m too overbearing and that’s why you’re reluctant to commit.”
“Reluctant to commit? What do you mean? I’m all yours, Daniel. You know that.”
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