“Sure, that would be nice. But only if you’re having one, too.”
“Okay,” I said, and excused myself to find that bottle Jeremy and I were supposed to share the night of our anniversary dinner.
It was at the back of the pantry. I opened it and poured it into two wine glasses, which lately I’d been drinking my Diet Coke from to make me feel special. I cut up an apple and a pear on a small serving plate and added six slices of sharp cheddar cheese. I carried the plate of fruit and cheese in first and came back for our drinks. I left the bottle in the kitchen. If Zac asked for more, I’d get it and pour him another; I wouldn’t bring the bottle and leave it on the coffee table like I planned to make a night of it.
After settling back on the couch, I smiled happily at Zac, feeling relaxed and content. “This is nice. I haven’t had company for a while. Thanks for coming over.”
He held my look for a long moment. Zac had a striking smile, with those straight white teeth against his tanned skin. His blue eyes, the color of the summer sky, sparkled at me.
“Thank you for inviting me. You have a warm and cozy place here, comfortable and relaxing.”
“Yes, I really like it. I’ve lived here since I first came to Salt Lake. Except that, since I’m unfortunately unemployed at the moment, I spend more time here than I should.” I couldn’t hold his gaze. My eyes wandered around the living room and finally settled on the framed pictures arranged on the mantel.
Hi Mom, hi Dad. I miss you.
Zac took a sip of wine. “Yeah, that’s tough, being out of work, but only if money’s an issue. Personally, I hoard my free time to allow me to do what I really love.”
“Skiing?”
“Snowboarding. In the spring and summer I put in long hours so I can afford to take time off during the prime winter months.”
“What do you do again?” I asked with curiosity.
This was pleasant. The two of us chatting, sipping on our drinks and getting to know each other better. It felt good to make a friend.
“Website design. My own business with two partners. Three ski bums, who cover each other to keep things going year round.”
“That sounds like a good arrangement.”
There was a pause. Zac took a drink and set his glass on the coffee table. I didn’t know what else to say about his job and his passion for snowboarding. I felt inadequate since I no longer had a job and lately my only passion had been hating Jeremy London. I couldn’t very well talk about that.
We had discussed the apartment, our jobs or lack of. Next up: the weather. “You like it when it snows, I take it?” I asked.
He nodded. “Oh, yeah, winter’s my favorite time of year.”
“Not me. I like summer. The hotter the better. I can’t stand being cold.”
Enough of this weather talk, what else was there?
I should not have said the hotter the better. Zac must have taken it as a come on, because he moved in closer to me. Uh oh, I didn’t feel ready for this. What now? I picked up my glass and took a sip.
“You are a beautiful woman, Karoline. I was surprised when I saw you at the restaurant.”
“Why is that?” I asked somewhat breathlessly, taking in his scent. Soap blended with athletic manliness. A very pleasant scent.
“Blind dates don’t normally go well. It’s my policy to avoid them.”
Another nervous laugh. “Me, too. Susie and Rob talked me into it. I guess they felt sorry for me.”
“What? Sorry for you? Nah. You must have men swarming to go out with you. You’re very attractive. Sensual. You are sensual, Karoline. The way you move. The way you eat.”
Zac leaned in and moved a hand to my back. I could feel his breath on my neck. I set the glass back down, allowing me to move away and get a moment. He kept rubbing my back as I did.
“The way I eat? What do you mean by that?” Had I inhaled my food? Did he just call me fat?
As I straightened back toward the couch, Zac put his hand in my hair and pulled my head gently toward him. “Some women act like food is their enemy. Not you. Seeing you tackle that prime rib at dinner. God, it was sexy.”
I licked my lips, feeling a warm sensation starting up. He really was hot. Did I want to kiss him? Instead I laughed again, a silly nervous chuckle. “Are you kidding me? I do enjoy food but I never thought of eating as sexy. And be careful how you talk about me tackling the prime rib.”
His hand moved down from my hair to my neck, and he thrust his fingers behind the collar of my sweater, groping, reaching downward. He pulled me closer as his other hand stroked my arm.
“Eating is incredibly sexual if it’s done right. Same as sports. I bet you like sports, too. You have the look of an athlete, but not an obsessed, I’m too fat, must work out female. You work out because you enjoy it, because you love to move and push your body.”
We were a few moves away from embracing and who knows what else. His fingers kept inching forward closer to my breast. It would be easy for me to twist around and come closer, facing him, lean in for a kiss.
I didn’t. Instead I stiffened and turned away. “Tell me, Zac, why come all the way from Park City for a blind date? It might have been a disaster.”
His hands kept on stoking and moving. “I did it as a favor to Rob. He’s a great guy.”
Okay, this was clearly heading in the wrong direction for a first date. I decided to stop the progression.
“Zac,” I said. “I didn’t invite you over to come on to you.”
“Why did you ask me up here?” he asked softly, his lips caressing my earlobe.
“I don’t know. I guess it seemed like the thing to do. You know, a way we could get better acquainted.”
“And here I am, Karoline, wanting to get better acquainted.”
He pulled his hand out from my sweater, thank you for that, but still stroked my arm. I got the message that it was up to me, and I wasn’t sure I wanted this to continue. I wasn’t sure I wanted it to end either. Truthfully, I didn’t know what I wanted.
He must have sensed my confusion, because he pulled back and said, “Hey, I’m not the kind of guy to push myself on a woman. Say the word and I’ll leave.”
“I think we should get to know each other better first. Before we, you know, before we do anything. Before this goes any further.”
Zac nodded. “You’re right. Dude, I understand.” He made a move to get up.
I panicked, not wanting him to leave, and especially not wanting him to feel rejected. Because I wasn’t rejecting him personally, I simply rejected the idea of doing it on our first date that wasn’t even a real date. It was a meeting. We couldn’t have sex on our first meeting.
“I mean, I am definitely attracted to you, Zac. And truthfully, it’s been awhile since I’ve, you know, had sex, and the prospect is appealing. I hope I’m not being too forward telling you this, but yes, the idea of making out with you is kind of turning me on right now, only I’m fighting it. Because it’s not the way I roll. Let’s go out a few times, see how we relate to each other beyond a physical attraction and see what develops. Does that make sense?”
I rambled on as he sat forward on the couch, like he was waiting for me to finish so he could stand and go.
He didn’t lean back, smile warmly and start talking to me about his childhood. That would have been nice and exactly what I wanted. Instead he pulled on his coat. “Sure, I understand. I didn’t mean to come on this strong. Apparently I misinterpreted your signals.”
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize I was sending out signals.”
I stood as well, feeling like a fool for apologizing. Why did men always try to excuse their behavior by blaming it on the woman’s signals?
He grinned at me, and this time I didn’t see any sparkle in his eyes. It was more like a mocking grin. “Karoline, your signals have been swamping me since I first walked into that restaurant. You are begging for it, woman.”
Did he just call me woman? “What? No, I am not! I might
have checked you out since it was a blind date and all, and I thought you were cute, and I might have responded somewhat to your touch when you started making the moves on me. However, I was certainly not begging for it.”
“Okay, sorry to imply anything. It was what I got, and my radar is pretty sharp about these things.”
“Not every divorced woman is hungry for sex. Just so you know that.”
“Okay, got it. I apologize. I didn’t mean anything by it. Friends?”
He gave me a light and friendly hug.
I hesitated before hugging him back. As a friend. “Sure,” I said, still annoyed by his attitude and frowning at him to let him know it.
“Hey, it’s been great to meet you, Karoline, and I definitely want to see you again.”
I wondered if that would happen. The spark of interest between us had evaporated.
“Me too,” I said lightly, as I walked him to the door. “Call me.”
“I will. I’ll call you.” He gave me another brief hug and a peck on the cheek. “I meant what I said, Karoline. You are a beautiful and sexy woman.”
He winked at me and headed out the door.
As I watched those broad shoulders disappear into the hallway and down the stairs, I realized that he had not once asked for my number. Typical of the entire evening, I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
Lower Calorie, less decadent, Pear and Bleu Cheese Soup
2 teaspoons vegetable oil
1 medium onion, chopped
3 pears, peeled, cored and chopped
14 oz. vegetable stock
½ teaspoon paprika
Juice of ½ a lemon
4 oz. bleu cheese, crumbled
Salt and ground pepper to taste
Heat oil in pan. Add chopped onion and sauté until soft. Add pears and stock. Bring to a boil for about 10 minutes. Stir in paprika, lemon juice and cheese. Stir until cheese is melted. Allow soup to cool slightly. Puree until smooth. Strain through fine mesh strainer. Pour back in pan and heat gently. Ladle into small bowls. Garnish with sprigs of watercress.
Chapter Fourteen
Suzie called me early the next morning, as I knew she would. “So tell me! How’d you like Zac?”
“I liked him fine. He’s a nice guy and attractive, as you said.” I poured a fourth of a cup of Grape Nuts into a small bowl.
“Isn’t he though? Very athletic. You two should get along great. He could take you skiing.”
I sighed. “I suppose. I haven’t been for a while. Skiing is fun.”
I added two packets of sugar substitute and a half cup of skim milk. I stirred it as we chatted. I liked my Grape Nuts more soggy than crunchy.
Suzie continued, “You sound kind of down. What’s wrong?”
“Oh, nothing really, it’s just that we came back to my place after dinner and things didn’t go well.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to go into details with Suzie. She had been married since the age of nineteen, and Rob was her first. As cute and boy crazy as teenage Suzie had been, and despite frequent dating, she had managed to keep the boys at bay and their hands off her. At least that’s what she had always told me. Not sure I believed her, then or now. Although she had stuck to her story through the years, often saying, most likely as an object lesson for me: “I wouldn’t have what I have now if I’d given it away back then.”
“What do you mean?” Suzie queried. “You didn’t sleep with him, did you?”
I was offended. What kind of question was that anyway? “Suzie! Do you think I’m some kind of slut or something? Desperate to jump into bed with the first guy who presents himself at my door?”
“Of course not, sweetie,” she replied in a reassuring tone. “I didn’t mean it like that. But, well, the two of you are single, and I know it’s been awhile for you, and Zac is, um, he’s a single guy in his thirties, who I’m sure takes whatever chances he can get.”
I laughed at her awkwardness. I knew what she was trying to say.
“That old ski bum, surfer dude reputation, huh? Then why did you want to hook us up? Like I told you, I’m looking for friendship right now, Suz, not a one night stand. I’m not ready for a relationship. Still, a few dates would be nice, without it getting physical.”
“Did he get physical?” She seemed too eager for details.
“What could I expect? I invited him up to my apartment and gave him wine. He probably figured I was after him. You know—the lonely divorced woman cliché.”
I poured out a glass of tomato juice to drink while on the phone. I felt hungrier than I should after that big dinner last night. There’s nothing like dieting to give you a huge appetite.
“Karoline, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize Zac was that kind of guy. Of course, I don’t know him very well. He’s Rob’s friend. They went to high school together. Um . . . what happened?”
“It doesn’t matter. He may call or he may not. Truthfully, I don’t care, and if he did, I’m not sure I’d go out with him. I wasn’t impressed with him as the night wore on. I think he was annoyed that I didn’t have sex with him.”
There, I said it. Welcome to the 21st century, Suzie. Single people having safe sex and all that.
“What a jerk,” she responded.
“Don’t tell Rob though. I don’t want to ruin his lifelong friendship with Zac,” I said, while harboring other reasons for hoping she wouldn’t share with Rob.
I wasn’t crazy about the idea of my sister and brother-in-law discussing my sex life. Agreeing to let them set Zac and me up opened the door to questions and suppositions, where the involved parties assume they have a right to details since they got the ball rolling.
“Don’t worry about that. Rob can handle it. I don’t think he’s under any illusions about Zac. It was simply our attempt to set you two up and see if anything came of it.”
“I know, and I appreciate your efforts.” It was my own fault that I agreed.
We left it at that. I didn’t think I’d hear from Zac again, and I might or might not end up with another blind date from one of Rob’s friends or associates or whatever. I decided to stop worrying about Zac and last night.
I had a job interview to get ready for.
I carried breakfast into the living room to eat on the couch. I liked to look out the east-facing windows and watch the sun rise above the mountains.
My interview was at Southtowne Mall at the south end of the valley, near where Suzie and Rob lived. If I hadn’t been desperate I wouldn’t have applied that far south, dreading a thirty minute daily commute to work and back for retail. I had applied at both Macy’s and JC Penney, and JC Penney called for the interview. It was the desperate boredom of unemployment that had driven me to retail.
I was all right financially. I still had unemployment, money in savings and the occasional temp job. But mentally, some days I felt like I might be losing it. Sitting around the house staring through my magnificent windows at the clouds in the sky was a peaceful activity as a backdrop to a work-filled routine; but when cloud-gazing became my major daily focus, I had a problem.
I felt disappointed in how things had gone with Zac, I had to admit as I chewed my cereal and stared at the morning sky. It would be nice to have a guy to hang out with, share dinner and the movies. And yes, I could have used a friend who enjoyed running, skiing and hiking in the mountains.
Maybe I could meet someone at work, once I got a job. That might be a hidden advantage to retail. There were plenty of good-looking men at the mall, usually with their wives or girlfriends but occasionally you’d spot one browsing the men’s department by himself. Who but a single, heterosexual guy would go shopping alone for his own clothes? Add to that the single dads who brought their kids clothes-shopping on the weekends. Being at the mall daily might not be a bad way to meet single men. No way could I shop that much—hanging out at the mall wasn’t my style unless I was there for work.
I set my empty bowl on the coffee table and pulled my knees up to my chin. It was a gray
day and looked like snow. In Utah snow comes at any time. One year it snowed in July. Snow in March was certainly not unexpected. A chill came through my tall windows, and I got up to pull the blinds.
Although I despised retail, it could serve until something better came along. Besides, I might get lucky and find the man of my dreams browsing alone one day at the department store.
Or maybe I wouldn’t. Who needed a man anyway? I had one for most of my twenties and look where it got me. Forget Jeremy, forget Zac, forget that imaginary cute guy shopping for socks.
I would find a job, and if need be I’d keep doing temp work until I had something permanent. I’d go back to the gym, another great place to meet men I couldn’t stop myself from thinking, and tomorrow I’d drive up to Cottonwood Canyon and spend the day hiking, at least as far as the trails were clear and dry. I’d take one path after another until I was spent and then I’d come home and sleep like a baby.
As I thought about working out, going to the gym, hiking in the mountains, I felt a positivity flowing through my veins that surprised me. What in heaven’s name had I been moping around for? It had been nearly a year since Jeremy walked out on our anniversary, over six months since our divorce, and last night a hot guy had called me sexy and tried to make out with me. What the hell was I waiting for? I didn’t want Jeremy so what was my deal? Suzie was right. I needed to put the past where it belonged and get back to the world of the living. The world of attractive single people in their thirties who were out there looking for love. Or not. Finding a job was my first priority. After that, well then, we would just see.
My new attitude excited and invigorated me. I had to tell someone. I called Suzie, knowing she’d appreciate it more than anyone. “Guess what, Suz? I’m free! I’m free of Jeremy!”
Lighting Candles in the Snow Page 11