Back to You

by Annie Brewer

  After the fight Brooke came over the next day. “How you holding up?” She asks, while I lay in bed and stared at the blank television. She looks and says “Is this show really that entertaining?” She tries to get me to laugh but I am not in the mood. “No, it’s pretty much my life now, blank and meaningless.”

  “Listen, I wanted to stop by and tell you Brady talked to Lucas.” That got me to perk up a little. I sat up and waited for her to continue.

  “Yeah, it was weird. Brady said he felt bad for how things went down between you two and wanted to try and talk some sense into him. But anyway, apparently he took you to the river that day to ask you to prom. He had it all planned out, all romantic. Then when you told him you needed to talk to him, he knew what it was about and couldn’t ask you. He’s pretty upset about everything and his ego has gotten the best of him. He won’t admit he’s wrong and should take you back.” I stare at her, blankly. She doesn’t know the half of it. She doesn’t know what happened when we were fifteen. She doesn’t know I jumped the gun and just assumed the worst of him. She doesn’t know I was in the wrong and all along had consumed all this guilt and shame and anger for him. But, I’m not sure it even matters anymore if I told her the truth. It really isn’t my business to tell her anyway. I know if I did, she’d side with him and see how wrong I’ve been. But I can’t tell her.

  “Honestly, it’s not his fault. I am to blame for all of this.” She sits on my bed next to me, sympathy written all over her face. “Oh honey, it’s ok you don’t have to blame yourself. God knows he’s to blame. He overreacted.” I shake my head, knowing it isn’t true. He is the one who sacrificed so much for me. He put his problems aside to help me deal with mine and I was selfish and inconsiderate to even notice he needed a friend. He needed me the way I needed him. If only I could go back and change things and right my wrongs. But I can’t and now I have to deal with the consequences of my selfishness.

  I cried for a little while. Brooke sits with me and strokes my hair as I had lay my head in her lap. Just like Lucas had done so many nights after my father’s affair. It’s nice, but I can’t help but wish it was Lucas stroking my hair, or caressing my skin, or telling me it was going to be okay, even if it wasn’t. I missed him like crazy which only made me cry more.

  The following weekend I find myself sitting on my bed, dressed for this family function at my dad’s house tonight. Family that I haven’t seen in a long time will be there and quite frankly I’m not in the mood to go. But, I made a promise. I suck it up and put on a fake smile, for my mother’s sake at least.

  “Sweetheart, it’s time to go. You need to be social. Get your mind off things.” My mother appears in the doorway, dressed quietly nicely. She’s wearing a short black skirt with a white blouse. Her hair is in a bun and her make up is applied beautifully. As if she even needs to wear make up. Her skin is flawless with a golden glow. She leans against the doorframe, sadly. “Abby, I hate seeing you like this.”

  “Then don’t let me go. I’ll just be a downer.” She shakes her head. “No, you need to get out. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and pick yourself back up. You’re going to survive.”

  “Did you know he wanted to ask me to prom? The day we talked, or more like fought, he was going to ask me. And I ruined it. God mom, what the fuck is wrong with me? God damn it, why can’t I let good things happen to me? I sabotage everything!”

  “That’s it sweetie, let it all out. You’ll feel better.” She comes and sits next to me and pats my leg. I stare at the wall while yelling, as if I’m giving it a piece of my mind. I kind of am in a way. At least the wall can’t talk back.

  “I just don’t get it. I mean, maybe this was my punishment for cheating on Brady. Maybe I’m not meant to be happy. I’ll probably die alone or something. God, I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I want to be with Lucas. I love him mom. I mean, really love him. I want him back. Tell me what to do.”

  I glance at her and she lets out a sigh. “That is something you need to figure out on your own. I can’t tell you what to do, but I’m here for support.” I fling myself backwards on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. “Thanks mom, you’re a big help.” I say sarcastically. “You’re supposed to actually help me.” She laughs. “I did. Are you feeling better now?” I nod my head, because I actually am feeling better after yelling. It feels good to get all of that out, screaming profanity always helped me feel better.

  “Good now get your act together and put on a smile because we’re running late.” She says it sweetly, not patronizing me. I actually smile. My mom is a great listener. She’s a lot like Lucas in that way. She lets me get out all my anger and frustration, all the while, she never interrupts or babies me. She thinks we all need a good screaming fit at times. But in my case, I need it all the time, it seems. I feel a little better and we head out to the car and make our way to this family function. I think I can manage to have a little fun.

  We get to my dad’s house and knock on the door. It swings open and we find Sarah standing on the other side. She pulls me in her arms. I haven’t seen her in a couple days since she moved, and at school only briefly. “Hey sis!” She says into my shoulder. She knows I hurt. She knows all that went down. Though she wasn’t upset with Lucas, she felt that he should have been a little more understanding even if I was wrong.

  She may be my sister and will support me, but she doesn’t always agree with me. Sarah knows how much Lucas has been there for me over the years. She knows how much he loves and cares for me and thinks he will eventually come around. “I think he’s pulling the ‘I’m a guy and stubborn and think I’m right’ card. Give him time to cool off, and soon he come begging for being so harsh on you." She had said to me a few days after the break up. “But what if he doesn’t Sarah? I mean, he was pretty pissed when he left. He barely looked at me when he dropped me off.”

  “Like I said, give him time. He may be stubborn, but he’s hurting too. And baby, the boy’s got it bad for you. He always has.” I smile after she said that last part. Then she had to go to class and I didn’t see her much after that. I missed her.

  Now, when I see her, it makes me wish she was still living with us. “Hey.” I say, as I hug her tight. Her hair in my face, I get a whiff of her shampoo and it smells delicious. “Your hair smells so good. What do you use?” I ask as we pull away.

  “It’s Herbal Essence. But it’s some special stuff and man it’s good.” We move inside and shut the door.

  “Hey mom.” Sarah hugs my mom. “Hi sweetheart. How are you doing? You get adjusted to this place yet?” Sarah’s eyes lift as her smile widens. “Yes, mom it’s great here. I am getting well acquainted and acclimated.”

  “Well, hello dear. Glad you could join us.” My dad greets us in the living room. “I’m sorry to hear about you and Lucas. We’ll talk later.” Before I can tell him I’d rather not talk about him he leaves the room.

  “Sorry, I had to say something. He kept telling everyone you were bringing your boyfriend and I had to intervene.” Sarah says, apologetically.

  “It’s okay. Thanks for having my back. But what did he tell them about him not coming with me?”

  “He told them Lucas had other obligations to attend but he will eventually meet them.” I hope so. My heart constricts in my chest. Before throwing myself another pity party, I walk into the kitchen to join the others. My aunt Margaret is here, my dad’s sister. She sees me and throws her arms around me. “It’s so good to see you Abby. I haven’t seen you since you were young. You’ve grown into a beautiful young woman. How have you been?” I break away from her tight embrace and smile.

  “I’ve been better but okay. How are you? You look the same Aunt Maggie.” She laughs, tilting her head back dramatically.

  “I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but thank you.” She’s younger than my dad, very pretty. She has similar features to my father but, of course, she is slimmer and slightly taller, where he is broader. She has four
kids, around my age and younger. Her husband died of cancer a few years back.

  I see more family I cannot remember laying around, eating and drinking. Even some of my step mother’s family is here too. It’s like a zoo in here and I can’t help but wish I was somewhere else. It’s not that I am not having fun. But I don’t really know anyone that well and it’s so stuffy from the number of bodies here. I have to get out for a little while. I look around to make sure no one is paying attention and escape out the front door. Finally, some quiet at last. I find a chair on the porch and plop down.

  Just then the door opens and I look to see my dad walking out. Damn, should have gone out the back door. He sits down next to me and cocks his head to the side in wonder. “How are you holding up kid?” Kid? I shake my head and look down. “Not that great to be honest.” He leans back in his seat and lays his right leg over his left knee, the way guys always do and folds his hands on his lap. “Want to talk about it?”

  “Not really. Everyone seems nice. It’s good to see everyone again. And Jaclyn’s family seems great too.”

  “Yeah, they are pretty nice people.” He smiles. I smile back, genuinely.

  “She’s a sweet lady. She’s not mom, but I like her.” He rests his arm on the plastic table next to us. “Thanks. And I know she’s not your mom. But she makes me happy. No one will replace your mom though. I wish things had worked out for us so I didn’t miss all those years of you girls growing up. Well that and you having a real stable life and family.”

  “Yeah I wish that too.”

  “Listen Abby.” He cuts me off, mid thought. “I’m sorry for how things happened with Lucas. I really think you two can work it out. I saw the way he was looking at you, at the restaurant the other night. He’s crazy about you. I’m sure he’ll come around. I hope anyway. You deserve to be happy.” My dad leans his elbows on his knees and fiddles with his hands.

  “Forgiveness is a sign of strength in a person and if you are willing to forgive and move forward then you are free to open your heart to the possibilities of unconditional love. I can see you want to forgive him for the past; maybe you’re just not sure you can. But I think you can. And I think you should. If he makes you happy, you’ve got to make sacrifices. But according to Sarah, you’ve never been happier than when you are with him.” He is right. Of course he’s right. I was wrong for going off on Lucas the way I did. But I wonder if I’m too late. Would he ever forgive me for being selfish? I can only hope.

  “You ready to go back inside?” My dad asks as he gets up and walks toward the door. I nod and follow him, but stop right before he turns the knob. I give him a hug. It shocks him at first, and to be honest me too. But in the moment, it feels right. I don’t know this man very well but after all, he is my father. My blood runs through his veins and vice versa. “Thank you.” I say softly. He pats my back, affectionately. “Your welcome. And thank you for giving me a chance to make up for those lost years.” We hug each other for a minute longer then join the party.

  When my mother and I get home, I head straight to the bathroom for a shower. I feel the water hit my body and it feels unbearably good. I let my tears flow, and I can’t tell where my tears stop and the shower water begins. I fall to the bottom of the tub, totally drained and defeated. It feels good. Once the tears have stopped and the water has gone ice cold, I climb out of the shower, dry off and get dressed. I feel clean and awake, ready to face my demons. I want Lucas back, and I am determined to fight my damndest for him.

  “So, how was the family gathering?” Brooke asks as we are leaning against my locker the following day. It was a horrible weekend but being with my family was what I needed.

  “It was actually pretty good. It was nice to see all of my aunts and uncles again. And some of my step mother’s family was there too. So it turned out to be nice.” She looks surprised. “Really? That’s awesome. I was worried it would be hard. I was thinking about you all weekend. I’m glad it turned out well.” I nod.

  “Hey friends and family. So glad to see you.” Sarah sneaks up on us, making me jump. I hold my hand over my heart. “Well hello to you too Sarah. What’s up with your giddy attitude?” I ask.

  “Oh, nothing just happy to be at school. Don’t ask why. I think I was drugged or something.” We laugh. “I plan on getting Lucas back.” I announce and both Sarah and Brooke stare at me curiously. “Well, I should hope so. It’s going to happen. One way or another.” Sarah replies confidently.

  “Speaking of.” Brooke starts. “Sarah, this is our cue to leave.” I look over and find Lucas across the hall. My heart races at the sight of him. He’s wearing jeans, which hangs nicely on his hips, and a fitting blue and black polo shirt. His dark hair is combed to the side. He’s looking rather beautiful. Oh how I miss him.

  I swallow back the bile that threatens to come up. Just be cool Abby I tell myself. He walks toward me, his face a mask of indifference. He pulls up short in front of me. For a moment I just want to grab him by the shirt and kiss him, but I don’t. “Hi Lucas.” I say, my voice strained. “Abby, can you do me a favor please?” He asks politely. I smile and nod. I would do anything for him.

  “Could you ask your friends, including Sarah to stop harassing my phone? I get that they’re concerned about you, and are wanting me to talk to you. But the texts need to stop. Enough is enough.” I stare blankly at him. Suddenly, my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. “Lucas, I’m-“

  “Thank you.” He says, as he storms off, leaving me completely speechless and baffled.

  Chapter 26

  “Oh my God. Abby, I got you a surprise. You have to see this.” I hear Brooke yelling from the hall. I numbly get off my bed and open my door. After that run in with Lucas at school, I haven’t felt like talking to anyone. I’d become a hermit, hiding in my shell. If he would just talk to me, maybe I can get him to understand where I’m coming from. But then again, I probably wouldn’t either. After the way I doubted him and our relationship, it’s no wonder he won’t give me a chance.

  “Come in.” She runs in with a long bag in her hand.

  “Okay, close your eyes.” I sit on my bed and close my eyes.

  “What’s going on? You’re acting crazy.”

  “Just close your eyes until I say open.” I sigh deeply but do as instructed. I learned over the years not to argue with her. She’s a feisty one. I hear rustling and the sound of the bag being thrown around.

  “Can I open my eyes yet? Seriously, Brooke I’m not in the mood for games.”

  “Shhh, wait.” I sit there patiently, contemplate on peeking but think better of it.

  “Okay, open.” I open my eyes and what I see before me is indescribable. It’s a long black and blue two toned dress that has a small but elegant train. It has a single strap with an open back. The soft flowing fabric and beaded floral accents on the single strap bodice, creates a glamorous trendy one shoulder design. It’s so simple yet so beautiful. I look at Brooke, she’s smiling from ear to ear. “What is this?”

  “I bought it, for you. I went dress shopping the other day and got a perfect dress for me and then I saw this and just knew I had to buy it, for you. What do you think?” I try to find my voice. I can’t believe she bought this for me. I haven’t really thought about prom since Lucas and I broke up. How can I go when I won’t even have a date now?

  “What do I think? I think it’s gorgeous. But is it really me?” I run my hand gently across the dress, mesmerized by the sight before me.

  “Of course it’s you. Abby, you need to show off your backside and this dress clearly says Abby all over it. Besides, I hear through the grapevine that Lucas might go and you need to look sexy. I bet if he saw you wearing this, he’d forget all about your fight.” I cover my mouth with my hand, in shock but also elation. I was planning on going dress shopping this week but Brooke beat me to it. Thank God, I hate shopping for clothes.

  “This must have cost you a fortune.” There is no tag but from the looks of it,
it looks pretty pricey.

  “Eh, it wasn’t cheap but I got a good deal on it. Just look at it as a graduation gift.”

  “But I didn’t get you anything.”

  “Abby, you’ve given me the best gift of all, your friendship. And I’m going to miss you when you leave.” Right then my eyes water and I wipe them with the back of my hand. Leaving. I had made up my mind a week ago I was going to move to New York after graduation. To be honest, I just want to start over, whether it’s a permanent thing or just a try and see type of thing. I had hoped that Lucas and I would be together and he would move with me. But now it looks like I’m on my own, even more of a reason to leave.

  “Thank you so much Brooke. This is the best gift ever. And I will miss you so much! But I will come back and visit as often as I can. And really, I have no idea how long I will be gone, so it may not be forever.” We both sit on my bed, holding onto each other. It feels so weird that I will be in New York in less than a month. I just want to see what it’s all about, get my feet wet and possibly make something of myself. Whatever my calling is, I’m ready for it. I think. I hope. “Brooke?” I say.

  “Hmm?” She says looking at me.

  “What if I lost him for good? Lucas. What if he won’t ever take me back?” The thought of never laying next to him again, or feeling his hands on my body or gazing into his beautiful green eyes again makes me feel sick. I can see a future with him, but I can’t see one without him.

  “Listen, he’s going to come back to you. He has to. I think he’s just being a stubborn male. Once he sees that you’re not caving, he’ll realize that it’s up to him to save the day.” Somehow I doubt that’s true. Just then, my mom comes in and sees the dress. “What’s this? Oh hi Brooke!” She looks at it admiringly. “Wow, that’s gorgeous!”

  “Yeah, Brooke bought it for me. Isn’t that wonderful?” She looks at me and frowns. “I was going to take you shopping. But hey, we can do it another time.”