He pulled at the door and waltzed into the post office, fuming about how bad things had just gone. He hadn’t expected Julie Samuel to come home and fall into his arms as she had when she was seventeen. But he sure as hell hadn’t expected this.
He stalked over to the outgoing mailbox and dropped his rent check inside the slot. Then he walked over to his mailbox, searched for the key on his keychain, and unlocked his box. He pulled out the mail and sifted through it, depositing the circulars he had no time to look at in the recycle bin by the window, and placing the bills he needed to pay on the table next to the bin.
He felt a rush of wind against his skin as the door opened. When he looked up, he saw Julie coming through the door.
“Did you forget something?” he asked.
“Yes.” She took a deep breath. “I forgot to say that I’m sorry. And I know that is long overdue.”
She turned on her heels and rushed out the door. He started to go after her, but then remembered the bills he’d left on the table. By the time he’d grabbed the mail and run out of the post office, Julie was already at the street and clicking the button on her remote to open her car door.
“Julie!” he called out. But she ignored him. Instead, she climbed into her car, turned the engine over, and then pulled a U-turn on Main Street. All he could do was watch as she disappeared from view.
* * *
Julie wiped her forehead with the back of her hand and then gripped her steering wheel. Her hands were trembling. In fact, she was trembling all over so badly she could hardly drive.
If she dared to go home and Caleb was there, he’d notice. The last thing she wanted was twenty questions from her brother about why she was so rattled.
She took a drive on the main road as far as she could, passing Caleb’s apartment, and not stopping. His truck wasn’t in the parking lot, which surprised her since he’d said he’d be working until five o’clock. They hadn’t made plans for dinner so maybe he’d gone to see Katie.
It was so strange knowing her childhood friend was in love with her brother. That was going to take getting used to.
And Hunter. Oh, God, how was she going to tell him the truth? God only knew what he was thinking.
As she drove, her mind wandered to the places she’d been and the people she’d met. The letter she’d sent off was to Margaret to thank her and tell her that she’d miss her. And she did miss her already. It was easier to talk to her than it had been to talk to her own mother the other night. Caleb had insisted on calling while she was there even though Julie had already called her parents a few days earlier as she’d promised.
It was all too much. She’d gone out for a drive instead of staying cooped up alone in the apartment and ended up deciding to write a letter and mail it off to Margaret. And now she was driving out of town to where? She didn’t know. She was running. Always running and never arriving, Dr. Matthews had told her.
She put on her directional and heard a ping on her cell phone indicating she had a text message. Her purse was in the back seat of the car so she waited until she saw a gas station up ahead that had a little market and a big sign that said HUCKLEBERRY COFFEE in the window. It had been years since she’d had huckleberry coffee, so she turned into the parking lot and parked along the building.
Reaching in the back seat, she grabbed her purse and pulled out her cell phone to check her messages. There was one from Gary saying that he’d take her Sunday shift if she wanted him to give her a few extra days off. She’d taken time off to move, switching days with some of the other bartenders in order to settle in. But as word got out, more staff started asking to take her shifts and she figured it wouldn’t hurt to have a week off to spend time with Caleb. So far, he’d been busy working.
She pressed her thumb on the home button and saw she had a missed call from Margaret’s son, Edmund. Julie groaned at the thought of calling Edmund back tonight. She wasn’t sure if she could deal with Edmund in the state she was in. Margaret had told her Edmund wasn’t happy about her leaving and she’d hoped he didn’t try to talk her into moving back.
She’d call him back in the morning when she’d had a chance to get some sleep and gather her courage. These days, it was hard to come by.
She grabbed a hot coffee and a piece of fruit inside the market for the road. She’d drive a bit and then go home. That is if she didn’t get on a long road and drive straight to Canada.
* * *
The next few days were unremarkable. She’d decided her brother was a typical bachelor. His apartment was void of color or anything that resembled décor, not that Julie was an expert. In fact, she had never decorated an apartment before except for the first apartment she’d filled with secondhand items she’d purchased at a tag sale. But if she was really going to be living under the same roof as him, she was at least going to get rid of the mismatched dishes in the cabinet and buy something that he could put on the table for company.
She’d spent the day driving to Billings and shopping in a department store chain. Of course, she’d ended up with a basket full of things including flatware, pots and pans, and curtains. She’d actually purchased curtains to replace the ugly ones her brother had. Caleb probably didn’t even realize the curtains were ugly. Or he didn’t care.
She got to the register and looked at the basket in horror. What was she doing?
And then she remembered. She’d done this not long after she’d moved to Olympia. Dr. Matthews said it was self-medicating. Instead of dealing with the pain of what had happened with the baby, she was filling a void by buying things she didn’t need but insisting she needed them.
She’d put all the items back on the shelf except for the curtains because she really did think Caleb’s curtains were ugly and she didn’t want to look at them all day.
She was just getting home and showing Caleb the curtains when he told her he was on his way out the door.
“Oh, I thought we’d have dinner together,” she said. “I wanted to show you what I got for the apartment.”
She pulled the curtains out of the department store bag and held them in front of her.
“Why did you buy curtains?”
“Because I hate your curtains. They’re white.”
He chuckled. “Yeah and they go with the color of the walls and furniture.”
“White goes with everything. It’s boring.”
“I’m heading over to the chapel to do some painting with Katie. Do you want to come?”
“And paint? I’d rather hang curtains.”
He chuckled. “Knock yourself out.”
“Will you be out all night?”
The words had flown out of her mouth before she could stop them. Julie couldn’t believe she’d just asked her older brother that question. The last ten years they both had done whatever they’d wanted to do without either one of them knowing. But the thought of being in the apartment by herself was daunting.
“I don’t know,” Caleb said with a smile. “Katie and I have made a lot of progress on the renovations at the chapel house. She’s been staying there by herself, but…”
“Say no more. I know you probably want to be there with her.”
She’d never seen her brother this happy before. She never remembered him with a smile on his face all the time. But things never seemed to bother Caleb the way they’d bothered her when they were growing up. He sort of went with the flow and that was okay with him. It felt strange to think of Katie, someone who had been her good friend, suddenly in a romantic relationship with her older brother.
Julie was happy for both of them. They weren’t kids anymore. Why shouldn’t Caleb and Katie grab onto whatever happiness they could have?
“Tell Katie I said hello, and that I’d love to see what the two of you have been doing over on Lookout Ridge.”
“I’ll tell her.” His eyes suddenly widened with delight. “Hey, why don’t you just come with me now?”
“I already told you I’m hanging the curtains.”
“No, I can show you everything that we’ve been doing. You won’t believe that it’s the same place that we used to party in when we were in high school.”
“I’ll wait for the grant reveal. I’ll make you both dinner.”
“Aren’t we supposed to do that for you?”
“I saw what you did to that frying pan last night. It’s still soaking in the sink. I almost bought a new set of pans today to avoid cleaning it. It’s probably safer for me and Katie to cook rather than you.”
He chuckled. “I was distracted.”
“On the phone with Katie?”
He nodded. “Hey, I picked up the mail and you actually had something in it.”
She frowned. “I did? Who knows I’m even living here besides you?”
“I didn’t look at the name.”
“Sure,” she said, eyeing him with suspicion.
He chuckled. “Okay, so I looked, but I didn’t recognize who it was.”
“Where is it?”
“I left it on the kitchen table with the newspaper. You know there is a festival being held this weekend, right?”
“Caleb, I used to live here. I know that there’s an annual festival every year even though I’ve missed it for the last ten years.”
“I’m just saying it would be fun if we could go, you know, like old times. I mean, I have to work earlier in the day but Katie and I planned to go when my shift ends.”
“You and Katie?”
“Yeah.”
“With me as the third wheel?”
“Sisters aren’t a third wheel. It’s a rule.”
“Since when?”
“Since I’m asking you.”
“I’ll think about it.” she said without any excitement inside of her.
There were memories from the last festival she’d gone to that were still too hard to think about. Dr. Matthews would probably insist that going was the right thing to do. Face your fears. Meet them head on. And heal.
The memories of what happened during the festival were not what Julie needed to heal from. She’d gone with Hunter and they’d conceived their child that night. She didn’t expect Caleb to understand the scope of that, especially since she hadn’t confided in him about everything yet. And he’d been patient. He wasn’t pushing as she suspected Hunter would if he had her in a closed room.
“Okay, I’ll tell Katie. Call me if you need anything. Oh, and I had a spare key made for the door. It’s on the table next to the mail.”
“Get out of here already. Katie is going to blame me for you being late.”
Julie said goodbye to Caleb and squashed down the envy she felt for what he shared with Katie. She couldn’t complain. She had picked herself up and made a life for herself even though it hadn’t been the life she’d dreamed of when she was a teenager. Those dreams seemed so far away now.
She didn’t have a whole lot of close friends though. Moving around, working new jobs every six months, and living that nomadic lifestyle had been what her therapist had called self-medicating. As soon as she got comfortable with people, she left. But it had also been destructive. It was safe, and rather than risk any sort of intimacy of any kind, Julie had resorted to having no intimacy at all. Not even with her female friends she’d made.
She waited until she heard the kitchen door close to get up and find that mysterious piece of mail Caleb had told her about. Maybe it was Sweepstakes Clearing House telling her that she had hit the jackpot and won a million dollars.
She laughed as she padded her way to the kitchen. How many times had someone come into the casino with stars in their eyes hoping to win a big jackpot? Too many times for Julie to count. The smiling faces she always saw as people came into the casino didn’t match the disappointed faces she’d see when they came to the bar to have a drink and drown themselves in their disappointments. They’d end up telling Julie their life stories. Julie would listen while she worked because she’d learned early on that even though she didn’t like to talk about her life, other people did. Their woes seemed so much easier to listen to than the voices in her head telling her she’d failed.
When Julie had first started working at the casino, she’d talked to Dr. Matthews about it. Dr. Matthews insisted that listening to other people’s problems had forced Julie to push away her own problems. It was easier not to confront the wound inside her when some other people were hurting, even if the things they were hurting about seemed trivial to Julie.
She rummaged through the stack of mail on the table. There were three pieces of mail with Caleb’s name on it. One looked like a utility bill. The other looked like a notice from the police department union. The last was a flyer from a local gym offering memberships for half off for the first six months. Julie read the front and back and considered looking into that later. Then she found an envelope with her name on it that looked like a birthday card. How odd.
It was probably from her mother. She was the only one who knew Julie had moved in with Caleb. If Julie knew her mother, and she did, her mom was probably sending ten years’ worth of birthday cards in one shot to make up for all the time they’d missed.
She grabbed the envelope from the table and sure enough, her name was on it. But it wasn’t from her mother. It was from Edmund, Margaret’s son.
Her interest now piqued in a different way, she ripped open the envelope and found a beautiful card with a Montana mountain scene. Wildflowers were scattered throughout the picture of a meadow. Margaret loved wild flowers and had probably picked out this card, Julie thought as she looked at all the details. She couldn’t imagine Edmund buying it himself.
She opened the card and began to read. As soon as she did, her stomach clenched.
It is with great sadness that I tell you that soon after you moved from my mother’s house she died peacefully in her sleep. You were a great joy to her. In the years since I moved away, there had been several women who’d boarded in my mother’s house. None were as compatible with my mother as you were. She spoke of you often and with affection. There was something about your relationship that she enjoyed and I want to thank you for giving her last months on this earth happiness and joy.
I tried to phone you the day she died, but couldn’t reach you. I will try again as soon as arrangements have been made for her funeral.
A tear rolled down Julie’s cheek. It felt as heavy as her heart did with this terrible news. She didn’t bother to swipe away. She didn’t bother to pretend that she wasn’t hurting. She’d learned that much over the years. But she couldn’t help but think that her leaving had somehow accelerated Margaret’s death.
What had happened? Julie had only been gone a few days! Margaret was old and yes, she was frail, but she had no indication that her health was so bad that she’d die.
Her mind was playing tricks on her again. Margaret was an old woman who had lived a wonderful and long life. Julie couldn’t blame herself for living for own life. She knew that’s what Dr. Matthews would tell her. But she couldn’t help but think that somehow she had failed Margaret and that in the end that had caused her death even though she knew that it could easily have been Julie who might have found her dead in her bed instead of Edmund or the visiting nurse.
She slumped into a chair and reached for her purse, which she’d slung over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. After rummaging through it and pulling out her cell phone, she looked at the missed call from Edmund from a few days ago. She hadn’t called him back. She’d completely forgotten about it.
Leaning back in the chair, she pressed his number and waited for the call to connect. As soon as she heard his voice, she began to cry.
* * *
Talking to Edmund had only made Julie feel worse than she had before the call. She’d called to give him comfort. But Edmund had ended up trying to comfort her, telling her that he’d always felt comfortable with her living in his mother’s home, and it had made it easier for him to live his life without worry.
She’d hung up the phon
e feeling lonely.
She’d left Margaret. Julie knew the old woman loved having her live in her house. Julie had been so preoccupied with her own angst over taking steps to come home that she hadn’t spent any time thinking of what it really meant to Margaret for her to be there.
Many elderly people lived lonely lives, but Julie hadn’t been Margaret’s only companionship. Margaret had liked her independence, such as it was with her use of a walker. She had a visiting nurse who regularly came to the house to visit and bring Margaret shopping or to have her hair done. A housekeeper came every two weeks to clean. Julie couldn’t remember her name because every time she’d asked Margaret she would tap her forehead with her fingers to let her know she’d drawn a blank on the name.
It had been Julie who had been lonely. Maybe Margaret had seen that in her. Now she really was alone. Caleb wasn’t coming back tonight. She couldn’t hear Margaret’s TV on in the bedroom as she used to do when she came home from a shift. The house was quiet. Being alone in a house and looking at your life staring back at you in every shadow was hard.
The walls were closing in on her. She’d seen it happen before. Many times. She needed to get out of the house, away from her surroundings. But where would she go? Take another drive? Caleb was with Katie over at the chapel house. She didn’t want to intrude on their time together. She’d been gone so long from Sweet that it seemed strange for her to just drop in on an old friend from high school.
Katie had been her closest friend at the end. She’d been the one she’d spent most of her time with. Were any of the other girls from school even still in town? She didn’t know. She knew where some of them used to live. But they may have moved on just as her parents had. Or they were married and living somewhere close by. But how would she know? She hadn’t had time to catch up with anyone and hadn’t wanted to stay in touch with anyone. Even her own family.
It was her fault. Dr. Matthews would be angry and proud of her for accepting it. Angry because it was a destructive thing she always did. She stayed alone. But she’d be proud that Julie had recognized it. She could almost see Dr. Matthews’ finger tapping her colored lips that had lipstick bleeding in the cracks around her mouth as she asked Julie what her plan was to get herself out of her funk.
Sweet Montana Boxed Set 1-5 Page 46