She was gone, and I didn’t even go after her. What does that say about me? Still, deep down I knew Paige would push me away. I had no chance whatsoever to make this right. So letting her walk away from me was inevitable. I did this to myself. I chose to ruin a good thing even before I walked inside her bookstore. The outcome was subconsciously planned, and I went for it anyway.
If only I hadn’t listened to my brother. The sick and twisted seed he planted inside my head caused me to become a coward. But I trusted Dominic. At first I believed he had my best interest at heart. He was wise and knew what was right. I allowed him to get me to believe that looking after my best friend’s wife would be deceiving him, when in truth, Lenny wanted this.
Before he passed away he begged me to keep an eye on Paige. He knew she would be devastated over losing him, who wouldn’t be? Lenny thought she needed someone to remind her of him. We couldn’t have been more different, so I wasn’t sure why he thought that.
At the time, I had no clue he was married. Lying in that hospital bed, he knew he was internally bleeding, and at any hour of that evening he would be dead. As best as he could, he came clean to me about his mystery wife, and the life he led for so many years. He wasn’t who his wife thought he was. Lenny was never a journalist. He was an undercover CIA agent who had to keep everything from Paige. By telling her about his other life, hers would be in danger. He couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t risk any of our lives, so staying away from me, and from his family was the only way to keep us safe.
Falling in love with Paige wasn’t something he had planned. He never meant for his feelings to go any deeper than friendship. Just like me, she had a way of pulling you in with her gorgeous brown eyes and cute, witty personality. However, as time passed on, he fell in love with another CIA agent. Again, he never meant for it to have happened. Lenny spent so much time with this other woman while on a case together, that is was hard to keep from falling for her.
I despised him for it. Anyone who cheated on their spouse was a loser, but anyone who cheated on someone like Paige was a good for nothing, deadbeat. I was enraged and so disappointed in Lenny that it took everything in me not to kill him before he actually did die. The very last thing he did before he died was give me a picture of Paige. The picture that would lead me to where I am today. There was no turning back. I was going to meet her, tell her everything about who Lenny was, and look after her, just as Lenny had asked me to. No matter how much I hated my dead best friend for disappearing on me all those years ago, and for betraying his wife, I would keep my promise.
Lenny came back into our lives for one reason only: to say goodbye forever. Apparently, he and his mistress were moving out of the country because they were being hunted by some really bad people. I don’t know all the details since he never went into them, but he thought by saying a final farewell it would be some sort of respect on our behalf. He couldn’t have been more wrong. His parents were furious and terrified. No matter how they felt, he kept his feelings from showing any grief, and told them to not have a funeral for him if anything ever happened to him. The next night he died. There was never any memorial or funeral for him. And no one ever knew about Paige. Except for me, and Dominic, who I thought at the time, was someone I trusted. It was Dom who called Paige to let her know her husband had died in a car accident, not the hospital or police. In time, Becca also found out because of Dom, which took me by surprise because I thought we had an understanding. But knowing now that they were sleeping together now makes perfect sense.
God damn Dominic. The brother I used to admire is a walking, talking, drunk who killed my best friend and Paige’s husband. It’s so unimaginable. I don’t know what to do about it all. Not only have I lost the love of my life, I lost a brother. Unfortunately, in the end, Dom is going to go to prison. It kills me and leaves me gutted. Simply gutted.
I’ve been walking around my house like some zombie, on pilot mode, not caring that I haven’t slept or eaten and probably haven’t even taken a shower in like…two days or so? That’s what happens when your heart is broken. Literally, I’m broken. My life was so full two days ago, but now it has been completely demolished, and I have no idea how to even pick up the pieces. I’ve spent many hours in front of my TV, passing through the channels, not even aware that the remote is in my hand.
I’m aching for Paige. The afflicting pain of losing her so suddenly, hurts beyond compare, it’s practically tattooed on my forehead. I’m depressed, tired and hopeless. If that isn’t enough, my publisher is on my tail about my next book. I can’t even get myself to writing anything, much less get up to use the bathroom. My mind isn’t in the game right now, only consumed with all thoughts of Paige. Missing her this badly is almost like I’m dying a little bit each day. Each breath that I take feels like it’s going to be my last. Could I really die of a broken heart? It’s the most pain my body has ever experienced. Although I knew she’d never return any of my calls, I’ve tried calling her, and had left several messages, only to be told that her mailbox was full. All full of my voice. What I wouldn’t give to get her to answer and allow me to explain. To tell my side of the story. Now that she knows most of everything, she needs to know the absolute truth of who her husband really was. Even if she never takes me back, she needs to hear it. But how? How will I get through to her, if she won’t even pick up my damn calls? Flying out to her house would seem like the best bet, but Lynn would seriously kick my ass if she saw me. That woman most likely hates my guts again. I’m possibly on her kill list as we speak. I don’t know what my next step will be or what I’m going to do.
My life is on hold because of my stupidity, and listening to my brother. I’m a stupid prick, and now paying the price for it.
A recent text came through my phone from Molly. She’s coming over in a little bit because I haven’t returned any of hers or my parents’ calls and has been wondering what is going on with me. I’ve been obsessed with trying to get a hold of Paige that all thoughts of my family have been non-existent. I don’t even know where Dominic is. It kills me to even think about turning in my own brother, but it has to be done. He took two lives because of his senselessness, and left them both at the scene to die. How could he have done that? I can’t even fathom, the thought makes me sick.
A knock at the door gets my attention, yet I don’t have the energy to open it. I know it’s Molly, so she can just come right in, the door isn’t locked anyhow. I’ve been meaning to talk to her about replacing Dom as my agent, but that will obviously be for another day and time.
I know she’s in the house when I hear her exclaim, “James where are you?”
She’s just going to have to come find me, because my mouth is immobile at the moment. Since I’m going to have to tell her about Dominic and Paige, I need to at least be able to snap myself out of the slump I’ve been in. I turn off the TV and wipe a hand down my face, when I hear Molly enter my den.
Except for the shirt, I’m still in the tuxedo pants I wore from the other night. I most certainly am not GQ material at the moment.
She comes around the sectional couch and gasps. “Holy crap, you look terrible, and smell awful,” she says, holding a hand up to her nose.
My feet are propped up on the table in front of me; bottles of beer are scattered everywhere. Turning my head to face Molly, I tell her, “You would too, if the love of your life permanently walked away from you.” Like everything else, my voice feels monotone and dead. All the life in me has been sucked away.
As if her legs suddenly give out from paralysis, she slumps down onto the left side of the sectional. “Oh no, what happened?” It takes all my energy to spill my guts, and to come clean with her. Let’s just say that the disappointment in my little sister’s eyes makes me feel even worse. I know I’ve done a terrible thing, and it’s not something I can fix overnight. “Dear God, James…why would you keep this from her?”
“I was a stupid fool, that’s why.” I shrug and then mumble out, “A stupid fool to l
isten to Dom.” Closing my eyes, I shake my head in disbelief. The things we do to keep those we love from getting hurt. Instead, the lies come back to haunt you. They come back and destroy any future you had hoped for.
“Why? What does Dominic have to do with this?” She’s obviously surprised. So once again, I explain everything. To say she is shocked is an understatement. For a few minutes she had lost her voice, trying to process the bomb I just hit her with. Her hand is up to her mouth as she slowly shakes her head. “This is so unbelievable,” she says with dismay. “Where’s Dom now?”
“I don’t know.” I flip my feet off the table and then lean my forearms on my knees. Being propped up in one position for hours, my legs are almost to the point of tingling. “I left him at the hotel after I went running after Paige.” I switch my eyes up to Molly’s. She’s very much distressed and upset that the frown lines between her eyes breaks my heart. I hate saying this to her, but I know she’ll agree. “We have to turn him in, Molly,” almost choking on my words. It hurts so badly. Dominic is my big brother. He’s killing our family, but I love him all the same.
Molly wipes a small tear that escapes her eyes, and nods her head. “I agree,” she whispers. “But what about Mom and Dad? Do they know?”
Clearing my throat, I tell her, “I told them about his drinking problem, but they have no clue about the accident.”
Her hand goes to her chest. “This is going to kill them.” She can’t keep it in any longer. The tears begin to stream down her face as she leans over on her knees and places her hands over her mouth.
“I know,” I hoarsely reply. I know the feeling all too well. If only I had told my parents a long time ago that Dom was having problems, maybe this whole mess wouldn’t have happened. The responsibility I feel is overwhelming and very painful. I know none of what Dom has done is my fault, but I can’t help how I feel about keeping his secret from the family for so long. Getting placed in this position has been such a stressful time. I wish I could have been smarter about my choices back then and now.
While I still remain seated on my couch, Molly goes to the bathroom to clean up. She comes back with bottles of water for each of us and a bag of pita chips and hummus. I’m not very hungry, but to make Molly happy, I take a few chips and eat them in silence. There really isn’t much we can say at the moment, we’re both at a loss of what to do. Plus I’m deep in my depression over Paige. She’s all that I’ve been thinking about these past couple of days. It’s been a terrible struggle to not talk to her or hold her at night. I’ve become addicted to her voice, sweet smells, laughter, her smile, making love to her beautiful body. It’s incomprehensible to believe I might never be with her again. It can’t be the end for us. It just can’t be. What I wouldn’t do to get her back.
Breaking the silence, Molly brings up Paige. “Look, I know this is all so crappy and overwhelming, but you need to fight for Paige. Tell her you love her and would do anything for her.”
Is my sister for real? I know she’s trying to help, but that little bit of advice pisses me off. Getting up to my feet I snap at her, “You don’t think I haven’t already tried, come on Molly!”
Molly gets to her feet and snaps back, “Hey, don’t get pissy with me. I’m just trying to help.”
We give each other a stare down for several seconds. But the realization hits me: when it comes to love, family and friendships we’re a lot alike. She didn’t deserve my outburst, when this whole disaster was my fault in the first place.
Placing my hands on my hips, I exhale a large amount of air. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m just so angry at myself. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.” I sit myself back down, and swipe a hand through my greasy hair.
Molly takes a seat next to me. “It’s okay, I understand. I’d probably do the same thing.”
“The thing is I’ve kept so much from her. I just don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.”
She takes hold of my hand. “Eventually she’ll come around. She has to.”
“You don’t know Paige.” I shake my head. “It took her a long time to let me in. She was so damaged by Lenny’s death, and now…now that she has learned he was unfaithful to her…” I curse under my breath, and then continue, “I don’t see how she could ever come back from this.” I’ve lifted her up only to damage her all over again, but worse.
“Obviously she’s a strong woman. Anyone who has experienced losing a husband at such a young age has to be. Give her a few days to let this all sink in, but in the meantime, figure out how you’re going to get her back. I’ll help you if you like.”
My sister, the hopeless romantic. She has a smile that reaches her eyes, and such hopefulness in her voice.
“At this point, I’ll do anything to get her back.”
She squeezes my hand, and then kisses my cheek, but right after, orders me to take a shower. Though, it’s hard getting myself up, I do it anyhow. Maybe with Molly’s help I can somehow get through to Paige. There is no way I’ll live without her. As long as it takes me, I’ll fight for her heart until I’m no longer breathing.
J.D. Parker - Minus
His next victim. He’s going to let her wait it out, to torment her mind to get those blood vessels pumping. He’s waited too long for it all to go away so quickly. He needed to take his time, to plan his next quest.
After butchering the redhead, he looked at his work of art. If he could display them in a room full of people, he would. His sick and twisted mind craved this kind of “work.” He thought of himself as an artist of the human body. The rich color of the dark red blood, dripping from the white, creamy skin of that redhead was a sight to behold. He had never felt so close to anyone in his entire life.
Once he wrapped, and duct taped all of the body parts, he went even lower into the earth and placed them into the corner where he’ll begin to build his precious treasures.
One down, another to go. But a lifetime of more to come.
My heart won’t stop hurting.
My eyes won’t stop leaking.
My mind won’t stop remembering.
My body won’t stop aching.
By some miracle, I found the man who would open up my soul again, to help me feel love again. But somehow it was all too good to be true. Happiness doesn’t last forever. I’ve experienced that twice now…too many times in my young age. I’m not even thirty yet and my world has already broken one hundred times over. It doesn’t seem fair to me. How could this have happened to me? It’s all too much to comprehend.
The man that I was married to had a secret love affair. Where did I go wrong and why didn’t I see it? I don’t remember him being any less affectionate to me when he was home. He would always tell me he loved me and wanted me to be happy, yet he was probably saying the exact same thing to his lover on the side. I feel completely baffled and shattered. I really don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Glen may be dead, but everything we ever did for each other, was all built on a lie. How could anyone believe in anything after discovering this?
I certainly did not see it coming, especially from the mouth of the man I gave my body and soul to. James was supposed to be my new beginning, my second chance at happiness. How could he have kept everything from me? Maybe James really was brainwashed by Dominic into thinking it was wrong to get involved with me. Maybe Dominic did have that kind of power over his brother. It is possible, right? Dominic wanted to bury the fact that he killed Glen. So for that to continue, he made sure James never told me the truth about Glen.
On the other hand, it does bring me back to the time, in Maui, when James went on a drinking binge the night Becca crashed our weekend. He seemed so lost the morning I found him. I thought it was all because of what happened with Becca and with our argument about Glen. It’s now as clear as day. He was on the verge of telling me the truth, but decided against it and made love to me instead. What made him change his mind? I did tell him I wanted Glen to stay in the past.
I guess it doesn�
�t even really matter anymore, anyway. Everything is now out in the open and what’s done is done. James continued to live under his brother’s rock and continued to not think for himself. It’s all so very sad. It makes me sad that he never gave me the chance to open up to me. He betrayed all of my trust, and that’s what kills me the most.
I’ve lost my one true love.
My phone was about to explode from so many phone calls and text messages from James, that I had to turn it off. I couldn’t handle anymore rings or bling’s or anything else that would remind me of him. I wasn’t ready to talk to him, to listen to his sob story. I know that sounds horribly mean, but I’ve been pulled and tugged in so many directions that I’m physically drained.
The week moved by at a snail’s pace, it felt longer than a week since I last saw James. I desperately miss him and wish the pain would go away, but I’m so not there yet. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get to the point where I won’t miss him. He’s extremely hard to get over.
I’ve been doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. I haven’t gone into work, or haven’t even read a book. I’ve been ignoring all of my responsibilities and that is not okay, but what can I do when the drive I used to have is gone? My broken heart has led me to be…well…a robot. It’s rather pathetic, and I know Lynn is having a hard time with it all, as well. I think it’s even worse, now, than when I became a widow. At least, back then, I wasn’t lied to and humiliated. I had been able to walk through my mourning and do the best that I could to move forward. It seems, this time, is way different. Not only was I lied to, I feel I lost my husband all over again, plus another man to add to that list.
For the most part, Lynn has accepted me as I have become, nothing more than an empty shell. But I can tell she’s on her last leg in allowing me to continue this self-pity party I’ve created. With the curtains drawn closed, a box of Kleenex and empty wrappers of candy bars and popcorn, I’ve been camped in my bedroom, without hardly ever leaving it. Once in a while I actually have gotten up to take a shower and brushed my teeth, but other than that, nothing.
Chasing Paige (Falling for Words Book 1) Page 16