By
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Copyright © 2013 by Lisa De Jong
Jennifer Roberts-Hall, Editor
Michelle Preast, Cover Designer
Interior book design by JT Formatting
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the above author of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Acknowledgments
About the Author
To all those who’ve ever had a dream and
reached for it…
“Another mimosa, miss?” the waiter asked, distracting me from the piece of art in the corner of the dining room.
“No, I’m fine. Thank you,” I replied, shifting my attention back to the modern abstract painting. I hated the country club, but I had to admit that the decorator had great taste.
“Are you having a good time?”
I turned to face Ryan, my boyfriend of eight months. I smiled weakly at him. I wasn’t having a good time, but I would never admit it. This was my part. To play the happy, successful, put-together daughter who doted on her parents. Being here with our families made me miss the peace of my college dorm. Only four more hours before we had to leave and head back to NYU. Still, it seemed four hours too long.
“Yes, the food is delicious,” I said, pulling my muffin apart and popping a piece in my mouth. Honestly, I had barely touched anything. My mother always watched what I put in my mouth and I would rather go hungry than listen to her rattle off how many calories I ate. Though she wouldn’t say anything here, of course.
“So, Alexandra, have you decided which field you’re going to practice medicine in?” Thomas, Ryan’s father, asked.
I cleared my throat and glanced around the table, realizing all eyes were on me. “I’m thinking about pediatrics, but I’m still undecided,” I finally replied. The truth was that I hadn’t been thinking about it at all. I noticed my father’s eyes were locked on me. This was a rare occurrence, but also one that terrified me. His attention rarely came with good intentions.
“As in surgery?” my father asked, his eyes still glued on mine.
I looked down to calm my racing nerves. “No, just general pediatrics. I don’t think surgery is for me.” Medicine in general wasn’t for me.
My eyes met his again and I said a silent prayer, thankful that we were in the club and that the conversation wouldn’t continue. He gave me a look that said it wasn’t over, but returned his attention to his prime rib. I took a deep breath as I began to move the fruit around on my plate.
Ryan placed his hand on my thigh. “Are you all right? You seem tense.”
“I’m fine,” I said, leaning in to kiss his cheek.
“Aren’t they adorable, Catherine?” Jillian, Ryan’s mom, beamed from across the table, leaning in on her elbows.
I glanced over at my mother who sat with her signature fake smile. She looked happy and had a polite demeanor; she always did when we were around her friends. “Yes, they are. How can they not be though? Look at us,” my mother said, bringing her third glass of wine to her perfect red lips.
“I see some planning in our future,” Jillian smiled. I almost choked on a piece of pineapple. I could just imagine all the time the two of them had spent together, discussing our future. They would like nothing more than for the two of us to make little country club babies.
“Gwen, how are the wedding plans coming along?” I asked to try and move the attention away from myself.
“Great! We have the menu all worked out and the tuxes have been ordered. Just a few little things left and then we are all set,” my sister said, smiling up at her fiancé. They looked perfect together, but that was where the connection seemed to end. So many times I’d wanted to ask her if this was what she truly wanted because I thought the line between her wants and my parent’s wants had been blurred.
“When will the bridesmaid dresses be in?” I asked.
“Next week. I’ll give you a call when it comes in and you can pick it up at Kleinfeld.”
“I hope it still fits with all the bread you’ve been eating over break,” my mother sneered from across the table. I waited for someone at the table to correct her, to tell her she was being ridiculous, but no one said a word.
I needed fresh air. I needed to get out of here for a few minutes to regain my equilibrium. “Ryan, do you want to go take a walk outside for a few minutes?”
“Sure, let me go grab our coats,” he said, walking away from the table. Gwen grabbed my hand. “Alex, don’t worry. You’ll look gorgeous in your dress.” She smiled and I squeezed her hand, then turned toward the lobby to meet Ryan.
Ryan helped me with my coat and we stepped outside to take in the cool January air. It was unbearably cold this time of year, but I would rather be anywhere but at that table. Our families had come to the Hamptons for winter break and it had been the longest three weeks of my life. Okay, maybe not the longest, but now that I knew what it was like to be on my own after finishing one semester of college, this was torture. I was constantly trapped under a microscope and couldn’t get out from under it, though it wasn’t like I ever really tried. This was my life; I was used to it and up until recently, I thought I was happy with it.
“Do you want to go sit in the car? I’m freezing,” Ryan asked, entwining his fingers with mine.
I nodded as we walked toward his shiny black BMW. Being alone with him has been awkward during these last few weeks. Things would be so much easier if we had just remained friends. He opened the door for me before moving to the driver’s side. As soon as he climbed in, he cranked up the heat, rubbing his hands together as we sat in silence.
“I can’t believe classes start again in two days,” he said, breaking the silence.
“I know. I’m ready to get back in a routine though. You?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I won’t get to see you again until Gwen’s wedding.” He grabbed my hand and rubbed his lips over my knuckles. He was a sweet guy, but maybe not the one for me. I had gone back and forth, trying to decide what I should do. I needed to make a decision soon.
“I can’t believe she is getting married in two months. It seems like just yesterday we were riding our bikes through the neighborhood.” I smiled at the memory. Things were simple then.
“Yeah. Do you remember when we
were racing and you fell and tore your new tights?”
I laughed. “Yeah, we buried them in your sand box and tried to convince my mother that I hadn’t worn any that day.”
“That didn’t work though, did it?” he asked. I stopped laughing as I remembered how my mother cornered me until I told her the truth. She always picked up on my lies. Always. I didn’t get to ride my bike the rest of that summer as a punishment.
“No, it didn’t,” I whispered. Ryan and I created an album of memories between us. Some were good and some were bad, but we experienced it all together. He knew the parts of me that I let him see well. He just didn’t hold the key to everything.
He cupped my face in his hands, bringing my eyes to his. I didn’t see electric sparks. I didn’t see rainbows. I saw my best friend. As he leaned in to kiss me, I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that this was where I wanted to be. That this was what I wanted to be doing, but still no electricity. He pulled away. “I love you, Alexandra.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered. And I did. I loved him, but I needed to consider what that meant to me. Was he my forever?
“We should probably get back inside before someone comes looking for us,” Ryan said, turning the car off.
I followed him inside, reassuring myself that there was only three hours and six minutes before I could leave again. Before I could return to my new normal.
Dancing for me was a form of expression, a way to release pent up stress and energy. I could go to a club where I knew no one and just let go. It felt good to let the music take my body where it wanted to go. I could forget about all my thoughts and worries and just be myself.
My roommate Jade and I had been dancing for over an hour when my favorite Nelly Furtado song started pumping through the club. It instantly renewed my energy as Jade turned her back to mine and we started to move together. We’re very different, but when we went dancing it was like we were one in the same.
I met Jade last semester at the start of our freshman year at New York University. Our first few weeks as roommates were difficult to say the least. She came to college to party and meet guys and I came to study and escape the chaos that was my family. Jade and I both grew up in upper class homes, but Jade’s parents were famous photographers who had showered her with love, convincing her that she could be whatever she wanted to be and she really wanted to be a photographer.
My parents, on the other hand, applied pressure on me throughout my life and wouldn’t settle for anything less than me becoming Dr. Alexandra Mirabelle Riley. My father was a doctor and my older sister Gwen had just finished her medical residency, landing a position as a pediatric surgeon at one of the most prestigious hospitals on the East Coast. Thankfully, I had three and a half years before I needed to address my post college life and, at least for tonight, I wasn’t going to think about anything but letting loose in the middle of the packed club.
Jade took my hand and pulled me off the dance floor. “Let’s get something to drink. It’s getting really warm in here.”
“Yeah, that sounds good. I should probably check on Ryan anyway,” I said, following her toward the bar area.
New York City had no shortage of clubs, but Club Max was one of the more popular haunts for NYU students. The cover charge was affordable and you didn’t have to be a celebrity to get in. The club was decked out in black décor; floors, tables and ceiling, but the glowing purple lights and chrome accents pulled it all together, giving it a hip, modern look. The bar itself was completely illuminated in purple lighting with a stainless steel top. The whole club was lined with small, high top tables and white leather furniture accented the VIP area. The place was loud and packed with people, but it maintained a certain sense of comfort and relaxation.
We found Ryan standing next to one of the small high top tables. He had one hand shoved in the front pocket of his designer blue jeans and the other wrapped around the beer he had been nursing for the last hour. His expression was blank, but when he saw us approaching the corners of his lips turned up. He was boyishly handsome with blonde curly hair, dark blue eyes and perfect white teeth; most girls would be happy to call him their boyfriend.
“Are you having a good time?” he asked before kissing my cheek. He refused to dance, saying he had to save his moves for the lacrosse field, but he didn’t hesitate for a second when I asked him to come here tonight. Ryan was always more concerned that those around him were happy than he was about his own happiness. I used to think it was a good quality, but lately I wondered if he was sacrificing too much of himself. We both lived our lives worrying about others feelings more than our own and I knew I wasn’t happy.
“Yes, the DJ’s great tonight!” Jade yelled, leaning in so he could hear her over the music. “You should join us.” He shook his head as he took a small sip of his beer. She lifted an eyebrow before focusing her attention back on me. “Alex, I’m going to grab a drink, do you want something?”
“Water, please.”
“I’ll be right back,” she said, turning toward the bar.
I focused my attention back on Ryan who was staring at me intently. His eyelids looked heavy as I reached up to run my thumb over his forehead. “Are you getting tired? We can leave if you want.”
“No, we can stay.” He started to work on the edges of the label on his beer bottle, slowly peeling the corners away. Things had been awkward between us for months, but it was magnified over winter break because we were actually able to spend time together. It had become apparent that just because two people got along really well didn’t mean they should date. Ryan and I were an example of this, but ending things would cause so much chaos between our families. I couldn’t decide if it was worse to stay with someone who had a piece of my heart, but didn’t have it completely, or disappoint my parents. Parental disappointment may be a normal part of any teenager’s life, but my parents weren’t normal.
Last May, shortly after graduation, Ryan asked me out. We were all at his parent’s beachfront property in the Hamptons celebrating graduation when Ryan asked if I would go for a walk with him. I didn’t think much of it, but as we started to walk toward the ocean, I felt the nervousness rolling off him. When we reached the water’s edge, he grabbed my hand, took a long deep breath and started to tell me how much he liked me; that he thought we fit and how happy we would be together.
“I guess what I’m trying to ask you is if you will go out with me? I should have asked you a long time ago and I know we’re both leaving for school soon, but I would really like to give us a chance,” he said, dragging his feet through the sand. I cared about Ryan, loved him even, and it was hard to deny him when he looked at me with those eyes.
“Yes,” I said, standing on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. When I pulled back to look at him he had the world’s biggest smile plastered on his face. Making him happy made me happy. I sort of lived my life that way.
He was comfortable and always there. At first, our relationship worked well, but there was something essential missing. Maybe I knew too much about him; he was one of my best friends and there was little mystery left to explore. I knew what he liked and what he didn’t like and there wasn’t much left to figure out once we had begun dating. He was like a present I had already unwrapped.
I had family and friends, but no one really saw me; no one paid attention long enough. I thought Ryan could fill that void, but I was wrong. He was sweet and attentive, but he didn’t see the real me. He didn’t see the artistic, lonely Alex; he only saw the popular, smart Alexandra.
Our relationship had been anything but perfect the last few months; I went off to college at NYU while he attended Stanford in California. Winter break was the first time I’d seen him since Thanksgiving break and before that it had been Labor Day weekend when he left for school. Even when we were together he didn’t make my toes curl or my heart race. He was my comfort and stability. I thought I was happy with that, but I wasn’t. Not by a long shot.
Jade set our drinks on the t
able, ending my thoughts. I was ready to get back on the dance floor and forget again. Ryan was still working at the label on his bottle, looking bored out of his mind. I felt bad leaving him alone so I decided to try to lure him out onto the dance floor one more time. “Why don’t you come with us?”
“No, I’ll just wait right here.” He winked at me as Jade and I stood up to move toward the dance floor. As soon as we found a spot in the middle of the crowd, I stepped behind Jade, closed my eyes, and lost myself in the sound of Beyoncé’s voice. It was amazing how easily I could lose myself in the lyrics. They played in my head, leaving no room for worries and stress. I wished there was a way to have them on constant replay all day, every day.
Suddenly, hands gripped my hips and I felt a large hard body pressed up against mine. Ryan hated to dance so I was surprised he decided to join us, but glad he did. I pushed my back into him and covered his hand with mine. Jade was so distracted by the guy standing in front of her that she didn’t pay any attention to what we were doing. I felt good tonight. I had worn my favorite blue skinny jeans with a red camisole and black stilettos. Not quite winter wear, but it was standard for the club scene. My long wavy blonde hair was down and my blue eyes had a smoky look thanks to Jade’s magic hands.
We continued to dance as Beyoncé’s voice was replaced with Ellie Goulding’s. The slower song made me want to move closer so I lifted my hand and wrapped it around his neck, keeping my back pressed against him. That was the moment when I realized something wasn’t right. Ryan’s slightly too long hair was nowhere to be found; instead, my fingers met short-cropped hair. I slowly lowered my arm and turned around to face him. The man standing before me was not Ryan, not even close. He was slightly taller, maybe six two with short brown hair. Our faces were only inches apart and even though the club was dark, I could tell he was easy on the eyes. I opened my mouth and tried to speak, but nothing came out.
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