By the time Dane finally spoke, I almost forgot why we were out here. “Why did you close up on me earlier, Baby?”
I closed my eyes and thought for a moment. I could either be honest with him or run like I had been for the last nineteen years. I decided to be honest, to take the fall and let him catch me. “I’m scared, Dane. I’m scared of how you make me feel,” I whispered.
He didn’t waste any time before turning me in his arms, pulling me so close that our chests were touching. “Look at me.” When I didn’t meet his gaze, he placed his finger under my chin, lifting my head until I had no choice but to look in his eyes. Even in the night, illuminated by the city lights, I could see the passion and desire burning in his eyes. “What are you afraid of?”
It took me a moment to answer and when I did my voice was shaking. “I’m afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid of loving someone so much that if it ends; there will be nothing left of me. There would be nothing that could put me back together if something came between us.” I couldn’t hold my emotions back any longer as a tear rolled down my face. Dane used his thumb to wipe it away.
“Alex, I love you. From the moment I saw you in the club, I knew there was something different about you. Then, when we ended up in the same Art class, it was like fate had intervened and brought you to me again. I love everything about you. Why would that ever stop? I can’t think of one thing you could do to make me stop loving you.” His words coated my heart and I knew without a doubt what I was feeling. Was there really any difference between feeling it and saying it?
I cupped his cheeks in my hands and pulled him down so our foreheads touched. “I love you, too.” His lips met mine, softly at first then as his tongue pressed into my mouth as he moved to deepen the kiss. His kiss was hungry and passionate; it reached my heart it a way I didn’t even know was possible. A kiss had never meant this much; kissing someone I loved was ten times better than any kiss I had ever experienced in my life. It might have been cold outside, but everything in me was on fire and I wanted to stay like this forever.
When the kiss finally broke, my lips were numb and swollen. Dane smiled down at me, rubbing his thumb over my bottom lip. “I could kiss these lips forever and never get tired of them.” I returned his smile and placed a kiss on his chin. “I can’t wait.” And I didn’t have to wait as he leaned down and met my lips with his again.
When you find someone you truly love, nothing else matters. I finally realized that being in love was worth the heartbreak that may follow. Nothing compared to how he made me feel and I was ready to feel more and try everything with him.
If someone asked me for money and I loaned it to them, I could get that back. If I loaned a textbook, I could get it back. Hell, in some instances when you gave your heart away, you could still get it back. But this was different. Virginity was the one thing that once you gave it away, you couldn’t get it back.
All through my childhood, I felt like every decision was made for me. I’d even gone as far as to pursue a career that others had chosen for me. I knew with every ounce of my being that my parents would not choose Dane as the man I gave my virginity up to, but this was my decision to make. They couldn’t take this from me. They couldn’t control it. I knew I loved Dane, a deep in my heart, consuming type of love, and it was hard to imagine having this with anyone else. I couldn’t imagine feeling comfortable giving it to anyone else.
My nerves kicked into high gear as I got ready to head over to Dane’s for dinner. I chose black lace lingerie for the special occasion and threw on a pair of jeans, a fitted grey tee with my purple leather jacket and topped it off with my black knee high boots. I was comfortable and Dane loved it when I wore the leather jacket he bought me.
I took deep breaths as I walked from my dorm to his apartment. Just because I made this decision and felt good about it, didn’t mean I wasn’t scared out of my mind. I’d been thinking about it for days, and with each one that passed I felt more confident in my decision. I’d never been one to live for today, but everything in me wanted to do this one thing I had one hundred percent control over. This was mine.
I buzzed his apartment and he quickly let me in, pulling me into his arms and showering me with soft butterfly kisses. The love and tenderness he gave me made me feel like all was right and everything would be okay. I stopped his soft eyelash kisses by attacking his lips with mine. I kissed him often, but tonight I really kissed him. I kissed him with everything I had and thought about everything I would give him.
“Whoa, what was that about? I like it, but we have to eat first, Baby.” He gave me a sexy hooded smile as I bit my lip to stop myself from kissing him again. He groaned, capturing my lips with his again, and pulling my bottom lip between his teeth. When he finally pulled away, we were both breathless.
“Nothing, I’m just really happy to see you.”
“I’m happy to see you, too. Come on, let’s eat.” He took my hand and led me to his small dining table. He had gone all out with candles and a vase of flowers; I wondered who was trying to seduce whom tonight. I hadn’t told him I was thinking about this, but for the last week it had consumed my thoughts more often than not. I had never felt this close to someone and I knew it would go to a whole new level once we had sex. I was ready for more.
“What are we having?” I asked. The apartment smelt like garlic and fresh bread.
“Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread; it’s something I used to cook for my brother all the time.” He retreated to his small kitchen and started pulling plates from the cupboard.
“Do you need any help?” I asked.
“No, sit. Tonight is all me.” He came out carrying a basket of bread that smelled out of this world followed by two huge plates of spaghetti.
“This looks great. Thank you.” We ate and talked about our current classes, Dane’s upcoming art show, and our plans for the weekend. We had grown into this comfortable routine that I loved and he genuinely made me feel like someone cared about me. He listened. There was a part in both of us that missed this as children. Neither one of us had the type of parents who sat with us during a meal and asked about our day or how we were feeling. We had two completely different backgrounds, but had experienced some of the same things.
After dinner, he insisted on cleaning up on his own and I retreated to his living space to turn on some Ed Sheeran, who we were both fans of. I stood there, looking out the window and taking in the breathtaking city view. My mind was working overtime thinking about what was going to happen tonight. Would Dane be ready? What if I couldn’t go through with it? How would I feel when it was over? I had always wondered if having sex really changes a person or not. I remembered where I was emotionally before I met Dane and then I thought about how I felt now and there was no comparison. Even if things went incredibly wrong, I didn’t think I would ever regret him. Ever.
I felt Dane wrap his arms around me before he kissed my neck. In this moment, I felt so calm, like everything was right. “Dane”.
“Hmm”
“I’m ready,” I whispered, my body shaking with anticipation. His body tensed around me as his mouth stopped its exploration of my neck.
“For what?” I knew he knew what I meant.
I turned around in his arms, looking him squarely in the eye. “Make love to me.”
He stared into my eyes, searching for something. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” My response was breathy and I followed it with a kiss that said everything I wanted to say, but couldn’t. He slowly inched my jacket off my arms and threw it on the couch, pulling back from the kiss just enough to whisper bedroom against my lips before backing me in that direction. I instinctively jumped up, wrapping my legs and arms around him. My whole body was on fire from the heat of his kiss; I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted this. When we reached his room, he sat me on the edge of the bed before unzipping my boots and pulling them off slowly. I could see his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed and looked into my eyes
. “I love you, Alex, only you.” His words only solidified my feelings; there would be no doubts or regrets.
“I love you, too.”
He stood and pulled me up with him, lifting my shirt above my head. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me softly before pulling away. “God, you’re beautiful. Are you sure about this? I don’t want to go any further if you aren’t sure.” I nodded, sending him back into motion. He slowly ran his hands down my shoulders, over my breasts then down my stomach before unbuttoning my jeans and carefully working them down my legs. I heard him whisper the words beautiful and mine as he took my body in with his eyes. Everything Dane said and did sent warmth through my body and all that mattered in this moment was us. After tugging his shirt above his head, I began to plant kisses on his chest, working my way over every tattoo and paying special attention to the angel. He gasped as I ran my trembling hands over his abs and pulled on the top of his jeans to bring him forward for a kiss. Somewhere along the way, he unclasped my bra and slid it down my arms. I was completely exposed in a way I had never been before but everything about this moment felt so right.
My heart was beating rapidly as I undid his jeans and slid them down his hips. I wanted to touch him so badly. I pulled down his boxers and grasped him in my hand as he groaned and pulled my hand away. “Not yet, Baby.”
He stopped kissing me and looked into my eyes. “Are you absolutely sure? We don’t have to do this now.”
“I have never wanted anything more in my life.” And just like that my back was on the bed and he was nestled between my legs. I reached up to kiss his chin and ran my thumbs over his brows as he reached between my legs and rubbed slow circles on my sensitive spot. I wasn’t thinking of anything but the two of us, together. He had the power to make me forget. I was already close when he entered me with one finger, then two. “You feel so good; I can’t believe you are giving me this,” he whispered in my ear. “God, Baby, you feel so good.” The combination of his slow circles and the in and out motions of his fingers and sweet words slowly wound my body up and I came undone around his fingers, panting and saying his name. It was better than any orgasm I’d ever experienced.
Brushing soft kisses across my face, he whispered, “I’m going to go really slow, okay? Let me know if you want to stop.” His kisses put me on a cloud, but I needed more. As if he could read my mind, he reached into his nightstand drawer and pulled out a foil packet, quickly opening it and rolling it on. He positioned himself between my legs and whispered I love you one more time before I felt him ready to enter me. He looked right into my eyes as he moved in slowly. It burned as he continued to slowly push inside, but his tenderness was drowning all those negative feelings away. Once he was all the way in, he stopped. I could feel tears running down my face. They were tears caused by love, passion and pain. I felt love for Dane before, but as our naked bodies joined together I felt something so deep and pure that I knew I could never go back to life before this. I always wondered if this moment would change me and it had; I felt everything in my heart and wanted nothing, but for this moment to never end.
He wiped his thumb across each side of my face and winced. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, tenderly kissing my lips.
I said the only thing that I felt in my heart at that moment. “I love you.” With that he kissed me, and began to move in and out slowly as my body adjusted to him. I ran my hands through his short hair then down his shoulders to his back. I felt consumed by him, the way he felt on me and inside of me. I had always imagined having sex with someone I loved, but never imagined the intensity of the moment when I would give away this part of me. The pain was replaced by pleasure as our eyes locked. After several minutes of slow motions, his pace quickened before he found his release, putting his lips to mine.
“I love you,” he said, kissing my forehead.
“I love you, too.” We laid still for a couple of minutes, catching our breath and holding each other close. He moved away only to remove the condom, tying it and throwing it in a trash can near the bed. He was only gone for seconds, but I missed him. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to spend another minute away from him again.
He returned to the bed wrapping me in his arms. “Did it hurt?” he asked, brushing the hair from my face.
“It was amazing.” I reached up to plant a reassuring kiss on his lips. I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone I didn’t truly love. Doing this with love in my heart made the whole experience beautiful, rather than painful.
“That was my first time,” he whispered a few minutes later. I propped my head up on my hand and looked him in the eyes. They were glistening as I reached up to trace the line on his forehead. I knew I was the first virgin he had ever been with. I wondered if it was painful for him and how it had compared to his other experiences.
“I know.”
“I mean it was my first time making love to anyone.” My eyes grew big and all I could do was kiss him. At that moment, he was everything I wanted and everything I needed. I fell asleep in his arms that night feeling content and loved. I didn’t care that I didn’t have clothes for class in the morning or even that I had class in the morning. Living in the moment was far better than living by a script.
I woke up the next morning, wrapped in Dane’s arms. I felt happy and content, but a little shy as I lay next to him, still completely naked from the night before. I always feared I’d regret my first time; that I would wake up the morning after and wish it never happened. That was a big reason it had taken me so long to get to that point; I let fear and regret rule my life. With Dane, there was no regret or fear. I was relieved that I had waited for him because I couldn’t imagine sharing that experience with anyone else. I couldn’t imagine ever doing that with anyone else.
A smile spread across my face as I thought about the night before and how tender and sweet he was. Dane may have some rough edges, but I always saw the good. I wished others could see what I saw inside him. I wished my family could meet him and not draw opinions simply by looking at him. All I knew was that I’d never felt this happy and the man lying next to me had everything to do with that.
I felt warm lips on my shoulder and smiled. I worried things would be awkward between us this morning, but his kiss was all it took to calm me. He worked his way up my neck until his mouth was right above my ear. “How are you feeling this morning?”
I shivered as his breath hit the side of my face. Everything inside me wanted a repeat of last night. I didn’t know what this man did to me, but suddenly I felt like I could never get enough of him. I turned in his arms. “I’ve never been better.”
He kissed my lips with a certain tenderness that I usually did not get from his kiss; this one was full of love and contentment. I broke away and looked right into those green eyes, which I could now see every time I closed mine. “I love you.”
I could feel him smile against my lips. “I love you too.” I didn’t waste another minute before I assaulted his lips with mine. I’d had enough of his soft kisses and all I wanted now was hungry, passionate Dane. He seemed to get the idea and used his tongue against my lips to deepen the kiss. My hands began to move down his arm and over his stomach while he pressed his hand on my lower back. I could feel him harden against me and, like a child with candy being dangled in front of me, I moved my hand down and gripped him. He tensed before grabbing my hand. “Alex, not today. You need to wait a day or two.”
Sighing, I removed my hand. “Please.”
He didn’t hesitate in his response, “No, but we can continue to do what we were doing with our lips. I kind of liked that.” I didn’t bother to reply with anything, but my lips.
Dane and I stayed in bed all morning, kissing until my lips were swollen and numb. He heard my stomach growl and insisted that we get up and have some breakfast. I thought what I was eating for breakfast was good enough, but he didn’t quite agree. “Eggs? Pancakes? Toast? What do you want?” he asked.
“Surprise me. I usually ju
st have a latte.”
His brows furrowed. “You need to eat breakfast.”
I rolled out of bed and began looking for some clothes. “Okay, boss.”
I heard him get up from the bed and felt his arms wrap around me. “I like the sound of that. Say it again.”
“Okay, Dane,” I laughed.
He pulled me in closer to him. “That isn’t what you said.”
“Really? I can’t remember what I said.”
He trailed kisses along my jaw line. “I think you do.”
His kisses left me in a daze; I didn’t know that anything could feel that good. “I don’t remember,” I finally said.
He stopped kissing me and loosened his grip. “Okay, then go get dressed. You can borrow a pair of pants and a t-shirt, second and third drawer.”
“Okay, boss,” I replied, smiling up at him. His eyes shined with mischief as he grabbed me and threw me on the bed where he began to tickle me everywhere and anywhere with his long fingers. I hadn’t laughed so hard, well, ever and I regretted not using the bathroom before deciding to play games with my super sexy tickle monster boyfriend. “Dane, stop! I need to go to the bathroom.”
He smiled down at me. “Say it again and I’ll let you go.”
I relented, “Okay, boss, now can I please go to the bathroom?”
He stopped tickling me, grabbed my hands and pulled me up so I was standing right in front of him. He quickly kissed my forehead and stepped to the side so I could walk past; I realized he wasn’t done with me yet when he lightly smacked my ass as I walked past. I picked up my pace and quickly closed the door to the bathroom.
After using the bathroom, I decided a shower was in order. Dane was right; my body ached from the newness of last night’s activities. I started the water, letting it run a little hotter than I usually would. It felt amazing as it washed over my body. I used Dane’s soap and it made me happy to think I would get to smell like him for the remainder of the day.
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