“Dane, I’m tired.” There was no way I was going to go another round. I had a midterm in the morning and I had already lost enough sleep. Not to mention that I didn’t think my body could handle it.
“Shhh,” he said softly near my ear, “no more talking.”
He laid me in the middle of the bed before crawling in behind me, curling his body around mine. It wasn’t long before his breathing slowed. I whispered, “I love you,” before falling asleep in Dane’s arms.
Dane woke me up by rubbing his hand up and down my leg; he had proven himself to be the best alarm clock a girl could ask for. I thought about the night before and all the things I did that I’d never done before. Dane had led me through so many firsts. Each one seemed to open me up a little more and I couldn’t wait to see what he still had in store for me. I turned around to face him, kissing his lips as he brushed my hair off my face.
We just looked at each other for the longest time, neither of us speaking. “I love you, too,” he finally whispered. I pulled my brows together, confused. “Last night, before you fell asleep, I heard you. I love you, too.” Where on Earth did I find this guy? He seemed more perfect with every day that past and I felt myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. He had to have a flaw or a secret, didn’t he? Even I had my secrets.
We kissed for a few minutes before getting up to dress for class. I had my Biology midterm this morning and then I had a lunch date with Jade before spending another evening in the library getting ready for my Calculus midterm tomorrow. Jade and I hadn’t seen much of each other since I had started to sleep at Dane’s most nights. I wanted to know how things were going in her life; I missed her.
Dane and I walked to campus together, stopping to get our morning coffee on the way. While I missed his early morning texts and visits to my dorm room, this was so much better. He had a midterm this morning and a project due this afternoon, but he didn’t seem nearly as nervous as I was. Just one of the many ways he balanced me.
He walked me to the door of my Biology class and wrapped me in a tight hug. “I will see you at lunch, okay? And stop stressing, you’re going to do great.”
“Good luck on your test,” I said before I kissed his cheek and walked into class. I wished that I had every class with him so I could sneak looks at him when I was stressed. Just being with him made me calmer.
I finished my midterm a little earlier than I intended and handed it to my professor before starting toward the student center. It felt good having the first one under my belt; there were only a few questions I had to guess on.
I grabbed my usual grilled chicken salad and sat down at a small table in the corner. Dane was always late for lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays; his morning class was all the way across campus. I wanted Jade all to myself today. We were long overdue for some girl talk and I wanted to tell her all about my nights with Dane; I needed her advice on a few things. This was all so new to me and I had no one else to talk to. I could picture the smile on her face already; she had experienced so many things that I hadn’t and now we were on more even playing ground. I understood her a little better.
My phone beeped from my purse. As I reached in to grab it, I noticed I had a new text from Dane.
Dane: I am not going to make lunch. I forgot my project at home.
Alex: Miss you! Meet me in the library again tonight?
My heart flip-flopped a little when I looked back down at the word library. I would never think of that place the same way again.
Dane: Library again?
Alex: To study!
Dane: Whatever you want, Baby. See you at 4?
I wanted to see him now but I wouldn’t be selfish.
Alex: Sounds good. Luv u!
Dane: Love U 2, Baby!
Those words never got old coming from him. My heart did a happy dance every time I heard them. I threw my phone back in my purse and waited for Jade. If I couldn’t have lunch with Dane, at least I would have more time for girly gossip.
I saw her cross the room with a tray in hand. I waved to let her know where I was and couldn’t help but notice the serious look on her face. I expected the smile that usually greeted me. Maybe she and Tyler were having problems again or maybe her midterms weren’t going very well. Whatever it was, I wanted to cheer her up like she had done for me so many times. She sat down and wasted no time before beginning the grilling I wasn’t quite expecting.
“Where’s Dane?” she asked, taking a bite of pizza.
“He forgot a project at home so he isn’t going to make it today,” I replied, taking another bite of my salad.
“Have you talked to him yet?” My stomach fell as I realized why she was so angry. She had been pushing me to talk to my parents about Dane and invite him to the wedding. She had no idea how badly I wanted him to go; I really did. He would be there for me and give me a little piece of contentment when I usually felt nothing of the sort at home. I couldn’t bring myself to face the consequences of the old and new colliding.
“About what?” I asked, trying to sound every bit of the blonde I am.
She sighed and dropped her pizza, looking right at me. “About the wedding, Alex. You can’t hide your boyfriend from your parents forever.”
“I’m not hiding him. I’m just not ready for them to meet him yet,” I said, returning my attention to my salad.
“Alex, you can’t keep doing this. Either you introduce everyone and deal with the consequences or one day you are going to have to choose. The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be.” Her words ripped through me, causing emotional pain to be felt in my chest. They were a reminder of everything I already know, but to hear her say it tore my heart in two.
I felt tears pooling in my eyes at the thought of ever having to choose. It should be so easy, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t look at her so I kept my eyes on the table. “You don’t get it! You don’t get what it is like to have parents who treat you like their little Barbie doll, ready to marry the perfect Ken. My parents would hate Dane. They wouldn’t even give him a second glance after seeing him. Hell, they probably wouldn’t even let him speak one word before passing judgment on him.” I took a deep breath to hold back the tears.
“You can’t keep doing this. Look what it’s doing to you. This is going to tear you apart,” she said as she rubbed slow circles on my back. It was tearing me up every time I thought about it. I was just avoiding having any thoughts relating to the eventual consequences. If I pushed it away long enough, it was almost as if it doesn’t exist.
“I can’t do it right now. I can’t. I’m going to go to that wedding without Dane and when I get back, I will have a couple more months of peace before I have to start to make choices. Please don’t push me. Everyone’s always pushing me. Don’t tell him about the wedding, please?”
I heard a tray hit the table and looked up to see Dane. His face was red with anger and his shoulders were tense. He opened his mouth to say something, but just shook his head and turned on his heel toward the door. The hurt expression on his face was too much to take in as I sat there completely confused and shocked. What had just happened?
“Aren’t you going to go see what that’s about?” Jade finally asked.
I nodded as I got up from the table and ran for the door, bumping into a couple students along the way. As soon as I was outside, my heart fell into my stomach as I spotted him sitting on a bench with his head in his hands. Still confused, I started to walk toward him slowly, hoping he would look up and this, whatever it was, would all go away.
When I reached him, I sat down next to him and put my hand on his back. He looked up at me with sadness in his eyes. “Don’t touch me.” I quickly removed my hand. His voice was completely cold and detached. I didn’t like where this was going.
I wasn’t good at confrontation. I avoided it whenever I could. “I thought you went back to your apartment to get your art project. What’s wrong?”
“Don’t give me that shit, Alex. You know exactly what�
�s wrong. I’m not good enough to go to a wedding with you, huh? I’m not good enough to meet your perfect little family? Tell me, Alex, why are we doing this? Is this some of bad boy experiment to piss your parents off?”
It took me a little bit to process his words and when realization hit, I felt sick. He had heard us. He had heard everything that Jade and I had talked about at lunch and he was mad. He had every right to be. In my mind I thought I was protecting him, but all I was doing was hiding him because I was afraid. “I’m sorry. It isn’t like that. You’re not an experiment. I tried not to fall for you, I really did. I knew I shouldn’t have you, but I couldn’t stop myself. It has nothing to do with pissing my parents off, Dane. I love you and need you. Don’t you see it?” My voice started off as whisper, but quickly elevated as my frustration grew.
He just shook his head at me before staring forward with a hurt, confused expression. “You tried not to fall for me? What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, running his hands through his hair. I think I pissed him off even more. Good going, Alex.
I couldn’t hold the tears that had been held in my eyes any longer. I wiped them away with my sleeves. Usually I would care that people were around me, watching me cry, but today I didn’t. I’d hurt Dane and I needed to find a way to repair this. “Dane, my family is difficult. You know all the pressures I have to become a doctor and, well, I have the same pressures on most other aspects of my life. They wouldn’t understand us and I was trying to protect you. When I first met you, I thought you were wrong for me, but you have been nothing but right. I didn’t want to fall for you because I was scared. You’re almost too good for me. You live your life like no one is watching and I live mine to make others happy.”
“That’s a bunch of crap and you know it. You can’t hide behind your fear. Everyone has choices, Alex,” he said through clenched teeth.
“I’m sorry, Dane. I’m so sorry. Please,” I cried, placing my hand on his thigh.
He looked down at my hand. “I’m not going to be anyone’s little secret. I’m too old for that shit.”
“I’m sorry. What more do you want me to say?” I asked, removing my hand from his leg to cover my face.
Dane sat silent for a moment. He still hadn’t looked at me or touched me. “Alex, you’re an adult now. You have to start taking control of your own life or you’re going to be miserable. You should make choices that make you happy,” he said, finally looking up as he ran his thumb under my eyes. He was right. Dane was always right. I was a coward and I was making myself unhappy. I couldn’t blame my parents for everything.
“I’m so sorry, Dane, I just don’t know what to do. I want you to come with me; you’re the only person who makes me feel like everything is going to be okay, but my parents…” More tears fell down my face as I tried to finish, “my parents will pick you apart. I can’t do that to you. I can’t make you go through what I’ve been going through. I love you with everything I have and you’ve done more for me in the short time that I’ve known you than anyone else has ever done. You’ve showed me a side of myself I didn’t know existed.”
Dane grabbed my face in his hands, looking right into my eyes. “Baby, we can do it together. I can be there for you. Let me be there for you.” I rested my forehead on his and for the first time since I sat on this bench, I know I haven’t lost him. He was still mine. It was the first time in my life that I felt secure with someone. I was showing him the worst side of me and he was still mine.
I thought about it briefly. What was the worst that could happen? My parents wouldn’t like him, I was sure of that, but I could make them understand, right? I could do this. He had given me so much and now all I had to give him was a chance. “Okay,” I finally whispered. “Dane, will you come to my sister’s wedding with me? It’s the weekend after next?” I smiled before adding, “I would really like it if you could come.”
He kissed me like we weren’t sitting outside on a bench for everyone to see. He kissed me with his heart, telling me without words that he loved me and would be there for me. His kiss was full of forgiveness and I met him with my own kiss that said I was sorry and I loved him right back. I needed him more than anything else in this world.
“Is that a yes?” I asked, after we finally separated.
He just smiled and bit his lower lip. “Anywhere you are, remember that,” he said, melting me from head to toe. How did he always know what to say? This man was trouble, but not the type I expected. “But, Alex, you have to start opening up. You can’t hold all of this in. I need you to talk to me. Promise?”
“Promise,” I whispered, looking him in the eyes. I was really going to try. This exchange had left me feeling lighter and I could only assume letting him in, all the way in, would be what was best for me. I spent so many years holding things in that I wasn’t quite sure how to let them out.
“Why don’t we go back inside and eat?” he asked. He stood up and waited for me to join him, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
“I thought you had to go get your project,” I said, still curious as to why he was in the student center to start with.
He pulled open the door. “I came to see you. You said you missed me and I couldn’t let my girl feel that way all afternoon.” I swear my heart stopped for a few seconds. That might have been one of the sweetest things anyone had ever said to me. There were no words that could describe how he made me feel.
When we reached the table, Jade was still sitting there with our three trays. She looked weary at first, but when she looked at our joined hands she smiled. I knew I had Jade on my side and that made things a little easier.
“Looks like you kids kissed and made up. Thank God! I didn’t want to share my room every night again,” she said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. I loved Jade and her ability to lighten the mood.
“You can keep the room; Dane’s bed is much more comfortable than the one in the dorm anyway,” I said as I smiled up at Dane. I could tell she wanted to know more, but I wasn’t going to mention it while we were all sitting here and she wasn’t going to ask. “Dane’s going to Gwen’s wedding with me.”
Jade’s face gave way to a surprised expression. “Oh good. You guys are going to have so much fun! I love weddings.”
Jade and I started talking about weddings after she mentioned her love for them. I had to admit I was also a sucker for a beautiful wedding, but I could tell the subject didn’t thrill Dane. Men only seemed concerned with the type of food that would be served and if there would be alcohol. Still, he sat and listened before leaving to go get his project from his apartment. I was really beginning to notice how well he fit into all aspects of my life.
I filled Jade in on what had happened outside before we left to go to our respective afternoon classes. She didn’t seem surprised and even though she didn’t say it, her expression said, “I told you so.” She suggested I call my mom to move the whole thing forward and I agreed that I should start preparing my parents now. I didn’t know what I would say, but it wasn’t right to just show up with the guy I was in love with and not give them some warning. And for the first time, I felt like this might all work out. There may be a way to be with Dane and still keep my old world in place. Maybe they would have no choice but to love him.
I didn’t want to put off talking to my mom any longer than I had to so I told Dane I needed to sleep in my own room tonight after we left the library. I didn’t tell him why exactly, but blamed the exams I had to take tomorrow and my need for sleep. That part wasn’t a lie because I hadn’t been sleeping much at Dane’s.
I was relieved that Jade had gone out for the night: I didn’t want her to be my audience. This was something I needed to do on my own.
I paced back and forth, trying to slow my heart and quiet the screaming voices in my head. I tried to decide exactly what to say. I wanted to tell her enough of the truth that Dane wouldn’t be a complete surprise, but I didn’t want to say so much that she would already have her mind made up t
o like him or not before we got there. I had to walk a fine line.
I almost couldn’t breath as I dialed the number to the house. Part of me hoped that she wouldn’t pick up, but just like every other time the phone only rang twice. “Hello, Riley residence.”
“Hi, Mom,” I said. My hands and voice were shaking.
“Alexandra, how are your midterms going?” she asked. Never “how are you?”. That would be too much to ask.
“Fine. I have two more to go and then I’m done. Biology went well and I turned in a paper for Art. I only have Anatomy and Calculus left,” I replied, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.
“I don’t know why you waste your time in Art. All it does is take up time you should be using to study for things that matter.” And make me happy, I thought.
“Mom, listen, I called to tell you I’m bringing a date to the wedding. His name is Dane and we have been dating for a while now.” I bit my cheek as I waited for her response.
“Dane who? What do his parents do?” My heart rate picked up again because I knew my answer wouldn’t satisfy her.
“Well, his name is Dane Wright. His mother works in the restaurant industry and his dad is no longer in the picture. He’s so sweet; I can’t wait for you to meet him.” I closed my eyes again as I braced myself for her response. She didn’t care about the last part, but I hoped to make her forget about the other things I mentioned. I didn’t care where Dane came from because I was wrapped up in who he was now. Why couldn’t she see things that way?
I heard her sigh on the other end. “What about Ryan?”
“Mom, I will always love Ryan, but we didn’t work in that way. He is a friend and nothing else.”
“I can’t stop you from bringing him, but we’re going to talk about this. Ever since college started, you’ve done nothing but make poor choices. You need to get control of your life again, Alexandra.” I let out all the air I had been holding in my lungs. This was going better than I expected. She didn’t say I couldn’t bring him and I was used to her threats. What she really meant to say was that she needed to get control of my life again.
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