They made small talk throughout dinner about their kids and their granddaughter. Zane told her about the new project his firm was working on, a condo development in Osborne Village that would bring much needed housing to the area at a reasonable price.
Meg made him laugh with stories about some of the regulars that frequented the restaurant. As they sipped their wine at the end of the meal, Zane took her left hand in his and stroked her beautiful fingers. He couldn't wait to see his ring there.
After he'd settled the bill, he took her hand once more. "It's a beautiful evening. Let's go for a drive in the park."
Meg smiled and got to her feet. "That sounds nice."
The bare branches of the trees surrounding the Pavilion were strung with lights, giving a festive air to the cold November night. Meg turned up the collar of her coat as they walked towards his car. Tonight as a concession to the cold, she'd worn dark gray wool slacks with a red wool sweater that clung to her curves in all the right places. He missed the little black dress she'd worn when he took her to the French restaurant in St. Boniface, but considering the way that evening had ended, maybe the change of wardrobe was a lucky omen.
As the car warmed, they drove through the park, around the deserted cricket field and past the barren flowerbeds of the rose garden. Zane stopped the car in front of the duck pond, empty of its usual residents who were somewhere down south, now that their favorite watering hole was frozen over. A full moon reflected on its icy surface.
"Meg, there's something I've wanted to talk to you about for a while now." He touched the ring box in his pocket once more.
She turned to look at him, curiosity in her beautiful dark eyes. "Yes? Is it something to do with the kids?"
"No, it has something to do with us. I want to marry you, Meg. I want us to live together, to have children together. I want to be with you for the rest of my life." He produced the ring box from his pocket and opened it for her to see. Moonlight glinted off the diamond solitaire.
Meg stared at it, not moving, not speaking, and not giving any indication of her emotions. Zane shifted nervously in his seat. This was not the reaction he'd hoped for. "If you don't like it, we can take it back and get something you like better."
She made a little hiccupping sound of distress and her hand flew to her mouth. "It's not the ring. It's beautiful." Her eyes filled with tears.
"Meg, honey, what's wrong?" He touched her hair, which she'd left down this evening.
As she bowed her head, the raven locks partially covered her face and obscured her expression. She shook her head from side to side. "I can't marry you. I can't marry anyone."
He tried to look into her face. "Baby, why? I don't understand." He'd been so sure she cared for him, that she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her. "Did I do something to upset you?"
She shook her head. "You didn't do anything."
He began to feel desperate. "Then what is it?" A terrible thought entered his mind. "Is it the scars? Do you find them repulsive?"
"Oh Zane, no. It has nothing to do with the scars. Please, just take me home."
"Then what the hell is it? Why can't you tell me?" He realized he'd raised his voice but he couldn't seem to stop. He seized her by the shoulders and made her look at him. "I've lived with secrets my whole life. I won't tolerate anymore. Tell me why can't you marry me."
She shook her head. "I can't."
"We made love together. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Don't you want us to have a future together?" He swallowed before asking his next question. "Don't you care for me, even a little?"
She lifted her tear-stained face to look at him, her expression full of anguish.
"I'm sorry Zane. We can't have a future together."
He had his answer. She didn't love him.
Chapter Fifteen
Zane slumped in his seat, feeling as if he'd just taken a blow to the gut. "I see."
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
All this time, while she'd kissed him, made love to him, had she'd been secretly pining for her dead husband? How was he supposed to compete with the perfection of a ghost? Had she pretended he was Paul when he made love to her? The thought made him physically ill.
Anger began to replace the sick desperation. She'd lied to him, led him on. What else had she lied about? Had she also faked the little sounds of pleasure she'd made when he was inside her?
His cell phone rang. Zane swore and pulled it from the clip on his belt. He was about to turn it off when he recognized the Vancouver area code. He answered the phone in a clipped tone.
"Zane Martin."
"Zane, Nathan McPhillips. It's Dad. The doctors say he doesn't have much time. Maybe just a matter of hours. If you want to see him, to say goodbye--" Nathan's voice cracked and he paused for a moment. "If you want to see him, you'd better hurry."
Zane bowed his head. It was just too much. "I'll be on the first plane. Tell him I'll be there as soon as I can."
Nathan gave him the directions to the hospital and hung up. Zane punched the end button on his phone and threw the car into reverse. "My father is dying. I have to go."
Meg touched his arm. "I'm so sorry, Zane."
He recoiled at her touch and she quickly snatched her hand away. How could she touch him, how could she have slept with him when she was in love with someone else?
"We're only a few blocks from your house. Just drop me at the restaurant and I'll take a cab home." She wiped at the tears on her face.
He nodded but didn't trust himself to say anything more. He was too angry to think straight. All he wanted was to get away from her and get to his father.
He brought the car to an abrupt stop in front of the restaurant. The lights that had looked so cheery only a few moments earlier seemed to mock him now. He had reached for something beyond his grasp, they seemed to say, and now he was paying for it. The woman he loved had betrayed him and he was going to lose the father he'd just come to know. Maybe guys like him didn't deserve the kind of happiness he'd been looking for.
Meg got out of the car, but before she shut the door she leaned over to look at him, her eyes round and shining with unshed tears. "I'm sorry, Zane, about your father, about us, about everything. I never meant to hurt you."
She softly shut the door and stepped away from the car. Zane swore and pressed his foot to the accelerator, making the Lexus fishtail wildly on an icy patch of pavement. He didn't care. He just wanted to get the hell out of there. He refused to look in his rear view mirror, to see her standing alone in the cold, refused to feel some sort of sympathy for her. He was the injured party here.
But though he didn't look back, that image of her followed him all the way to Vancouver.
* * * *
Meg worked at the restaurant all the next day and the day after that, pushing herself when she felt her energy failing, stifling her feelings when tears threatened to fall. She couldn't talk to anyone about what had happened between her and Zane. She'd become very good over the years at hiding her feelings and keeping secrets. The thought made her heart ache even more.
She baked pies the second morning, burning one batch and having to start all over. Maria asked her at one point if she was ill, but Meg just shook her head and carried on. She caught Maria watching her from time to time, the expression of a concerned mother on her face. Meg felt terrible. Maria was the kindest, sweetest person in the world, and didn't deserve one moment of worry.
As she lifted a heavy tray of glasses from the commercial dishwasher, her hand slipped on the wet surface and the tray crashed to the floor. Glass splintered in all directions. For a moment Meg didn't move, didn't breathe, frozen by the shambles she'd created.
Maria stepped gingerly through the broken glass to get to her. "Honey, are you all right? Did you get cut?"
The look of concern on Maria's face was what undid her.
Maria had always been there for her, right from the beginning when she was just a scared kid trying to survive
. She'd done more to protect and comfort Meg than her natural mother ever had. Meg covered her face with her hands and started to cry, the tears flowing down her cheeks in torrents. She was helpless to stop the wracking sobs that shook her. For so many years she'd held everything inside, afraid if she revealed any weakness, even to herself, she'd crumble like a house of cards. But now a dam had been opened, and years of pent-up fears came gushing forward.
"Oh honey." Maria put her arm around her and led Meg away from the mess, instructing a couple of busboys to clean up the broken glass. She took Meg to the room in the back that served as an employee lounge and made her sit on a battered sofa while she ran a paper towel under cold water.
Meg's tears gradually subsided to hiccups. She blew her nose on the tissue Maria handed her and wiped her face with the damp paper towel. Maria applied a band-aid to a cut on her arm made by a piece of flying glass. When her tears finally stopped flowing, Meg sat dried-eyed on the edge of the sofa, feeling raw and empty.
Maria reached for her hand. "Can you talk about what happened?" She offered a reassuring smile. "You'll feel better, I promise."
Meg closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She wanted to talk to someone, to free herself from the heavy burden of secrets and lies she'd been carrying for so long, but she didn't know how. She could only offer Maria part of the story. "Zane asked me to marry him yesterday, but I had to say no."
"Why did you have to say no? Don't you love him, Meg?"
She shook her head, emotion choking her for a moment. She thought of Zane, of his stubbornness, his hard-headedness. But she also remembered his unfailing love for his daughter and granddaughter, the forgiveness he'd shown his father, and the gentle way he'd made love to her. "I love him."
"Then what is it?"
She hung her head, not able to look Maria in the eyes. "There are things from my past, things that still affect me now, that mean I could never be with Zane."
"What kind of things?"
Meg just shook her head and stared at the floor. She wanted to confide. It would be such a relief to just unburden herself. But it wouldn't be fair to ask Maria to keep her secrets.
Maria stroked her hair and sighed. "When you first came to the restaurant you were just a baby. A baby with a baby of her own. You were so alone and so sad, that I just wanted to tuck you and Tommy away and keep you safe. Maybe I should have helped you to live instead of to hide."
"If you hadn't helped me hide, I wouldn't have survived."
Maria looked into her eyes and nodded, somehow understanding. "It was really bad for you at home, wasn't it honey? Those stories you told about how wonderful Tommy's father was, they weren't true, were they?"
Meg swallowed and looked away. "I can't do this anymore, Maria. I'm so tired of the lies, but there's nothing I can do to change anything."
"Are you sure?" Maria asked. "Sometimes we can't see the solution that's right in front of us."
Meg stared at her. Maria was right. The solution was right in front of her. She'd go to Eden. After this many years, there was nothing the little town could do to hurt her anymore.
"I need to go home, to face things. Even if Zane--" She blinked away the tears and took a deep breath. "Even if Zane never speaks to me again, I have to do this for me. I have to go to Eden."
"Eden?"
"It's the little town in Saskatchewan where I grew up, where Tommy was born. I've been running away from it for a long time."
"When are you going?"
Meg shook her head. "Right away, before I lose my nerve. I want to get this over with."
"Are you sure it's safe?" Maria clutched her arm. "Maybe I should go with you."
"I'll be all right, I promise. I'm a big girl now. I can face whatever's there."
Maria looked like she wanted to argue the point, but instead nodded and got to her feet. "If you're going to travel that far you'll need a more reliable vehicle than the one you've got." She found her jacket on the coat rack and pulled her keys and her cell phone from the pocket. She pressed them into Meg's hand. "Here, take these. My car's behind the restaurant. Phone me as soon as you get where you're going."
"I will, thank you." She embraced Maria and kissed her cheek. As she left the restaurant she wondered how she'd ever tell Joe and Maria the truth after all these years. Maria already suspected that life with Tommy's father had not been as idyllic as she'd made it out to be. But how would she tell them that there had never been a plane crash that killed Tommy's father and both sets of grandparents? How would she tell them that she'd run away?
How would she ever tell Zane that the reason she couldn't marry him was because she was still married to Paul Clifford?
* * * *
Zane stepped into his father's hospital room with trepidation. The whole family was crowded around Clayton's bed. Nathan and Sylvie sat quietly with their three boys. Noah, the youngest, was tucked safely into his mother's lap, an anxious expression on his face as he watched the adults around him. Zane's aunt Frances was also there, sitting beside Clayton's bed and holding his hand. Though she looked much older than his mother, the family resemblance was strong. She had the same complexion and oval-shaped face, the same thick, silver-gray hair. The color of her eyes was the same dark blue as his mother's, a trait he also shared. But there the resemblance ended. His aunt's features were sharp and angular, her countenance dominated by anger. Her head jerked up when he came into the room, and for a moment his footsteps faltered under the heat of her withering glare. Nathan stood when he saw him, and Zane thought he detected relief on his brother's face.
"I'm glad you made it." He moved away from his chair at his father's side and made room for Zane. "Why don't you let Dad know you're here?"
Zane thanked his brother and sat, not sure what he should do, or even what he should be feeling. He took his father's gnarled hand, the skin spotted with age and thin as paper. He gently squeezed it.
"Hi, Dad. It's me, Zane."
The old man's head turned slowly toward the sound of his voice. "Zane? You're here, son?" A tear slipped down his cheek.
Zane leaned towards his father, ignoring his aunt's angry stare. He wouldn't let her rob him of the chance to say goodbye. "I'm here, Dad."
"I'm sorry," Clayton whispered. "I'm sorry I couldn't be a father to you." He gasped for breath. "Tell your mother I'm sorry I hurt her."
His aunt turned her head away and dropped her husband's hand when she heard his words. Zane could almost feel the bitterness that suffused her soul. "I'll tell her, but there's nothing to forgive. She understands why we couldn't be together."
"Do you understand? Do you forgive me?" Clayton pressed his palm with surprising strength.
"Yes, I understand." Zane looked across the hospital bed to his aunt. It seemed she was the one who could neither forgive nor forget. Though he'd expressed his forgiveness when he'd last seen his father, Clayton seemed to need reassurance and Zane was happy to give it to him.
"I forgive you, Dad," he whispered close to his ear. "I won't forget you." Clayton seemed to relax, a small smile forming on his cracked lips. He closed his eyes and sank against his pillow. His words came out in a harsh whisper.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." It was the least he could do for his father.
* * * *
For the rest of the day he and Frances managed to stay out of each other's way. They took turns sitting with Clayton, waiting for the end the doctors told them would soon come. Sylvie took the boys home for dinner around six, all of them exhausted and grieving. Zane watched as Nathan and Sylvie shared a tender embrace before she left, and he ached to have Meg in his arms. He told himself he could face his father's death alone, that he didn't need her, but he knew he was a liar.
Zane and Nathan took the elevator to the basement cafeteria, though neither of them felt much like eating. Nathan bought a bowl of soup and Zane chose coffee liberally laced with sugar. They found a table and sat down wearily.
"I'm sorry about my
mother," Nathan said with a sigh. "She's making a difficult situation even worse."
"It must be hard for her," Zane said. "She's losing her husband, and then I show up, a live, in-the-flesh reminder of his infidelity. I can't say I blame her."
"That may be so, but her anger spills out on all of us. Even Noah asked me why Grandma is so angry with Uncle Zane." He shook his head. "I can't let her bitterness affect my sons."
"I'm sorry, Nathan," Zane said quietly. "It's bad enough that you're losing your father. You don't need to be in the middle of a tug-of-war between me and your mother."
Nathan laughed but it was a sound without mirth. "I've been in the middle all my life. I knew from a very young age that I was the only thing keeping my parents together. That's a pretty big burden for a little kid."
Zane watched his brother's strained face and for the first time he realized that Nathan might not have been any happier growing up than he'd been. Nathan had both parents, and he'd known where he came from, but living in a home with such tension between his mother and father must have been just as unhappy as having no father at all.
Nathan finished his soup and pushed the bowl aside. "So, how's Meg? Will she be coming out later?"
"No, she's not coming." Zane felt an ache around his heart at the mention of her name. A tumult of emotions assailed him when he thought of her. Perhaps it wasn't logical, but he felt as if she'd cheated on him with another man. The idea of Meg making love with someone else, in love with someone else, made his heart burn with a jealousy so hot that he couldn't think or even see straight. The rational part of his brain argued that Tommy's father was dead, and it was ridiculous to feel jealous over a relationship that had ended years ago. But Paul Clifford still had a hold on Meg. His jealous heart insisted she hadn't found anyone who measured up to him. What killed him most was that she'd kept her feelings a secret from him, was probably still keeping secrets from him. That he could never forgive. "It's over between us."
Nathan was taken aback. "Over? You two seemed so close when you were here earlier. What happened?"
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