Never had I wanted this gathering to feel like that.
The crowd’s murmurs quieted when Henry stepped in in nothing fancier than a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. The memorial was for his sister though, so it only seemed right that he had the right to dress however he pleased.
He mostly ignored their poignant stares and offered a few moments of menial small talk before delving further into the house. It was a bit awkward after the fight he’d been in with Tal and my dad just a handful of days prior, but Tal was nowhere in sight, and it seemed my dad had kept himself busy with something else.
My breath locked in my throat the moment Henry stepped through to the dining room. Part of me expected him to freeze or to bolt, but he seemed to only pay the photos a cursory glance entirely unperturbed. I was confused, but I definitely wasn’t going to make a fuss over it.
Much in his fashion, he made his way for the snacks and grabbed up a couple of mini cupcakes.
“Really?” I asked him quietly, “you’re hungry?”
“What? I’m always hungry.”
“Didn’t you just eat before you got here?”
“Yes, and my statement still stands. I’m always hungry. Besides,” he popped a second cupcake fully into his mouth, “this is dessert.”
“Yeah, but-”
“Attention everyone.” Elizabeth stepped up to the front of the living room, looking proud and somber all at once. “I just wanted to first off thank everyone for coming, and I wanted to share with you something I put together to really highlight all of the joy Olivia had in her life.”
The tips of my fingers went ice cold as she turned on the television and a slideshow appeared on the screen. Off to the side she stepped as picture after picture of Olivia slipped by, and in my direction Elizabeth turned one of the nastiest sneers I had ever seen.
I could barely believe she was taking all of this out on Henry. He didn’t deserve any of her wrath.
Cautiously I glanced to where he stood at my side, and like a deer caught in headlights he stared at the screen.
There were photos of her from birth, from when she’d been a tiny tot, and photos of the pair of them laughing in a tub full of bath bubbles. In every single one her sandy blonde hair seemed to almost carry off in the breeze, and the brights of her eyes were so full of life it was almost impossible to believe she was gone.
I was so enraptured by the display when I turned my eyes back to the space at my side I found that Henry was gone. He’d left the house entirely.
Back toward Elizabeth my darkened eyes flung. “I hope you’re happy.”
12
Out of the house I raced with utter urgency. I wasn’t about to let Henry face all of this on his own, especially since I’d been the one to push him to come to the party in the first place.
The moment I looked beyond the windows in the kitchen I saw him, standing on the back deck in a momentary silence. I hurried after him, and it seemed the moment he heard my steps he started off again, through the twinkling lights toward the lake itself.
“Henry,” I pleaded.
He never stopped walking, and never once turned around to look at me.
“Henry, please.”
Heavily he sighed, and though his head craned up toward the stars above, he finally stopped. “What?”
“I had no idea… I didn’t know she was going to do that. I’m sorry.”
“They’re just pictures,” he said, but the tense grating of his voice said otherwise. “Look, I’m going for a walk. Down by the lake.”
The way he said it made he clear he wanted to be alone, but I just couldn’t do that, I couldn’t let him. I trailed a handful of feet behind as he carefully stepped through the field of lights. I would have felt like I was in a fairy tale, had there not been such a heavy weight on my shoulders.
Eventually, a quiet sigh left Henry’s lips, and he took a gentle hold on my hand and pulled me up to walk at his side. He wasn’t saying a word, and I wasn’t about to press further.
Down toward the lake we walked, and though my dad had a huge dock and a beautiful sandy shore, that wasn’t where Henry stopped. Instead, he kept on going, and across several neighbor’s yards we traipsed. One stepped out onto his back deck and shouted after us, but Henry never once changed the cadence of his steps. We just kept on going.
After several minutes of stark silence, save for the crunch of grass beneath our shoes we reached the spot Henry had wanted to go to. It was Carson Beach, a strip of beautiful sand that made the lake feel almost like you were at the ocean. It was the spot he and Olivia had been swimming from on the day she drowned.
In the center of the beach he stopped, and it was then, without the jostling of our steps that I could feel the tremble in his hand.
“We had ham sandwiches that day,” he said, jolting my attention up to him in surprise. Never had I ever heard him talk about those final hours.
I didn’t dare punctuate the quiet or his thoughts with my words so I trained my attention ahead on the water that reflected the glowing moonlight above.
“She had begged me to come out here with her. Mom and dad were at some conference, and it was the perfect day. It was hot, but there were some clouds in the sky so you wouldn’t turn bright red in seconds.” He paused, and a single of his fingers seemed to twitch.
“There was barely anyone else here. It was kind of odd, because usually this beach is full. Anyway,” a sad smile graced his lips, “she sat on the handlebars of my bike and we rode over with a plastic grocery bag of food. Just some bread and ham, and a couple of cans of coke.
“ I remember she tried to push me in the water, but it didn’t work. She looked so disappointed the next time she tried I made a show of it and pulled her down with me. She was so… happy.”
The words seemed to catch in his throat, and soon a damp in his eyes shimmered like the lake’s surface. “She promised me she’d be okay, and that she wouldn’t go far out. I still don’t know what happened. She was always such a good swimmer, but…” I was thirsty. I came back to shore to drink my coke and I heard her screaming.”
His hand pulled away, and around himself his arms wrapped. Down his cheeks his tears fell, dragging damp paths across his skin. “By the time I got back out to her it was too late, she wasn’t breathing. If I’d… If I’d known CPR, maybe I could have saved her. It was all my fault she-”
“It was a terrible accident,” I said in the softest voice I could manage, “it wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it was my fault, and you’ll never prove to me otherwise. I brought her here, I left her out there, and I let her die.” The panic in his voice shattered my heart into pieces, and as I tried to reach for him he pulled harshly away.
“This,” he said, “is the closest I’ve been to any body of water in years. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t go swimming, I can’t even go in the pool. The only thing I can manage are the sprinklers at the golf course.”
More than anything I wanted to pull him into my arms and hold him, but with my every step to try and get closer the took two more away. All at the same time I saw him opening up and really revealing the pain that had kept him so hidden and so closed off for so long, and I saw him shielding it all up again. I didn’t want to lose him like that, all over again, but I didn’t know what else to do.
“We can’t do this anymore,” he said suddenly.
My heart slammed into my throat. “What do you mean? Do what?”
“This back and forth bullshit. My dragging you down. All of it.”
“Henry, I don’t know what you’re-”
“I can’t deal with you anymore, okay?” The sudden sharpness of his voice blasted me back as his fists balled at his sides. “I can’t… look at you without thinking of Olivia!”
My jaw fell open in complete and utter shock. “Henry, you don’t know what you’re saying, you-”
“I’m not an idiot, okay? I’m a grown ass man who is telling you I don’t want to do this anymore. You deserv
e something better than all of this shit I have to offer.”
I threw my hands down at my sides and screamed back, “but what if I want all that shit?”
“I’m not giving you an option!” He shouted, “we’re done!”
My lower lip quivered as I stared him down, one last time, just to be certain I saw the truth in his eyes.
I did.
Hard as my legs would carry me I bolted, leaving behind Henry, the beach, the memories, all of it. If he wanted to be an ungrateful ass, that I could deal with, but this? Tears flew from my eyes as I raced back across the neighbor’s yards, not even caring that I was further up toward their houses rather than right down at the lake’s edge. I just knew I needed to get far away from Henry. I needed to drown myself in liquor or maybe something far stronger.
The moment I reached the house I came to a skidding halt in the dark. For a moment I considered just leaving, just jumping in my car and going somewhere but I really didn’t want to be alone. Not like Henry apparently did.
Just when he’d been opening up to me he had to go and do this! My fingers curled into a ball and slammed hard into the deck’s side. The wood sustained no damage, but I winced in pain and shook my hand, just happy it wasn’t broken.
Apparently though I wasn’t even strong enough to do that.
Hastily I wiped away my tears, pissed off at myself that I’d ever allowed myself to get so worked up over Henry. It wasn’t like he’d ever offered me anything more than a good fuck anyway.
For a couple of minutes I just stood there, breathing in deep until I was certain I could handle myself. Then, I swept back inside.
The crowd seemed to have grown since Henry and I fled, with many of the older attendees having already left. Now, it was more of a party with those that had been friends her age rather than anyone that had simply known her. It felt a little bit more my style.
Music was already thudding out of the surround sound system, and I long before I hit the living room I could smell the punctuated scent of hard liquor. Apparently, some of these people didn’t know how to party without getting drunk.
Turning around a corner, I nearly collided face first into Elizabeth.
“Elizabeth! Elizabeth, I’m sorry,” I immediately blurted out. “He’s a jerk, and I’m a jerk, and I should have talked to you.”
Though her jaw was still tight I could see the anger melting from her eyes. It wasn’t often she could stay mad for long; She just didn’t have it in her.
“Whatever,” she spat as she shoved an opened bottle of tequila into my hands, “you joining in or what?”
“You seriously got my dad to leave for the night, didn’t you?” I asked, skeptical as always.
“Sure did.” Broadly she grinned, and that was enough of a motivator to push me straight into the bottle. Deeply I drank, the liquid burning at my throat before I gasped for air.
“Shit, that’s strong!” I never had been much of a drinker, beyond the occasional beer, so I knew it was going to hit me pretty hard.
“Wow,” Elizabeth muttered as she took the bottle back, “he really is a jerk, isn’t he?”
All she needed to see was the look in my eyes to understand.
“Well,” Elizabeth turned me clear around and pointed beyond my shoulder, “remember Nathan from high school? He totally had a massive crush on you and still does.” She gave me a little shove forward as he looked directly at me.
He’d been a bit of a quiet kid, and though I’d known who he was, I hadn’t entirely been friends with him. It wasn’t that I had hated him, I just never thought we had anything in common. From across the room he smiled at me, and with tequila fueling my bad decisions, I marched straight over to him.
“Hey,” I murmured, “how have you been?”
“Good.” His bright brown eyes and dark black hair reminded me nothing of Henry, and I loved that. “Hey, do you-”
Bad idea or not I slipped a hand around his neck and kissed him, hard. For a moment he stiffened out of pure surprise at what I’d just done. I vaguely heard murmurs around us, and a couple of cheers egging the both of us on. In seconds though, he was kissing me back like he meant it, with lips that tasted of cinnamon and hops.
He was precisely the sort of distraction I needed, and what would Henry care anyway? He made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want me, so that meant I was free to be with whomever I chose. Not that Henry had ever made any type of commitment clear. Ever.
Nathan yanked back, gasping for breath with eyes wide as dinner plates.
“What was that about?” He asked.
I couldn’t help but laugh, and for a moment the sound seemed to scare him off like I was making a fool of him. Problem was, I wasn’t certain that wasn’t what I was doing, but with the warmth of liquor filling my chest and the tingling effects of it already pumping through my system, anything that sounded bad also sounded really, really good.
I reached for his hand and threaded our fingers together, allowing me to rub the tender of his palm with the pad of my thumb. He seemed to like it well enough as I saw a shiver ripple up his form.
In close I leaned toward his ear, “I’ve still got an old bedroom upstairs, want to see it?”
Never had a man walked off more quickly than that. Still holding my hand tight he raced up the stairs with me close on my heels for a night of indiscretion and straight diversion.
All I wanted, was to keep my mind off of Henry.
13
I had begun to wonder if maybe it wasn’t me that was the failure. Nearly two weeks had gone by since the party, since we were supposed to be simply remembering Olivia, and it seemed everything else had overshadowed that. I had at least managed to patch up my friendship with Elizabeth, though that hadn’t been all that difficult when I had finally spilled to her the entirety of our tale.
In the end, she’d finally felt sorry for what I’d been through and started having the same angry feelings toward him that I did. Once several days had gone by though, my hatred had faded and all I felt was sad and guilty.
I’d brought Nathan up to my childhood bedroom that night out of spite, and we’d fallen into bed together. It was far from as heated or intimate as my times with Henry had been, and afterward I faced the constant ding of my phone as Nathan checked to see if I wanted to grab coffee or go on a date.
I’d done a terrible thing in giving him false hope, but I just wasn’t interested. It sucked letting him down, and it had sucked even more realizing that I had been the one to do it to him. Since the moment I told him nothing more would ever come between us I hadn’t heard from him again.
With another workday looming ahead of me I set off to the office and grabbed the appointment book. Apparently it was going to be another slow day, as I saw only one on my list, for a… Teddy? My chest tightened in anticipation as I glanced over to the address. It was Henry’s house, the appointment I was slated for was at his house.
My hands nearly trembled as I dropped the appointment book and backed clear out of the office. Had he really done it? Had Henry truly gotten himself a dog?
Part of me felt absolute joy for him, while another part of me felt pained that I would be forced to go and see him face to face after all we had been through.
I didn’t know how I’d be able to handle myself.
It seemed I was left without much of a choice though, so I made sure my work truck was loaded with supplies and I set off toward Henry’s. The anticipation during the entirety of the slow drive I was sure would kill me.
When I pulled up to his house I had almost expected something about it to be different, but it was all the same. Apparently, it was me that was different.
With a deep breath behind me I made my way to the front door and rang the bell. It was a far cry from me letting myself in with the use of his keys.
Beyond the door I heard the excited patter of tiny paws and the quiet mewl of an excited puppy. The sound quieted and was replaced with the quiet murmur of Henry’s voice. Hard
as I strained to hear I couldn’t make out a word, leaving me to wonder if he was talking to the dog or to someone else.
Jealousy flared sharply within me.
Then, the door swung open. There was no one there, save for Henry and the wrinkly english bulldog in his arms. As much as I was drawn to the green of Henry’s eyes, the puppy’s whimpering excitement as he tried to drag his way free toward me captured my heart.
“That’s…”
“Teddy,” Henry finished off as he held the adorable brown and white beauty up. He looked far from a fox, but in my mind, he was a perfect fit.
“He’s… he’s perfect,” I said, and much as I thought I wouldn’t have been able to do it, I smiled genuinely at Henry.
He smiled back. “I remember you said before that puppies are a lot of work, but I hadn’t really understood to what extent.”
Quiet laughter left my lips as he handed Teddy over. “Yeah, try grooming them all.”
“Ah, no, I’ll leave that up to you, you’re the professional.”
I snorted and stepped back from the door. He hadn’t invited me here for crumpets and tea, he’d asked me over to groom his dog. “Right, well it shouldn’t take me too long to get him all fixed up for you.”
“Okay, no rush.” I walked off down the path back toward my truck, and though I didn’t dare turn to look back I swore I could feel the magnetism of Henry’s gaze on my back. I had to be imagining it though. Just because he’d been nice to me didn’t mean anything had changed.
Into the truck I went with Teddy, and happily set to brushing out his coat. It was clear he’d had quite the excitement in the yard given the red dirt that soon settled onto the table beneath him.
All the while, his tail wagged excitedly.
“Is Henry being good to you?” I asked of him, and in a quick response he licked at my hand. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
Hard Wired: A First Love Second Chance Romance Page 8