by Mia Pride
He wanted to throttle her, out of anger or desire; he could not discern between the two in the moment. A very strong urge to protect Una and his child controlled his every thought and action. The instinct had been brewing deeper within him daily, mixed with frustration, sadness and something else…an emotion that relentlessly coiled around his heart and constricted his breathing every time he thought of her.
Brocc could put a name to the emotion if he tried, but he was terrified that once he accepted it, he would lose himself in its depths forever. Keeping a strong, cold exterior was his only option for now. Una was much too stubborn for her own good and only a strong-willed man could handle her these days. Any open display of a softer emotion and he would lose all control of her, and himself.
“You hate me? Good. That makes this so much easier.” He looked down at her navel, seeing the small tight roundness of her abdomen and his lips tightened into a thin, straight line of disapproval at her behavior. “Aside from the fact that you are carrying my child, my mother has informed me she is nay longer needed to aid the widow with the new babe. She is on her way back. What would she say of your behavior these past few moons, Una? I have allowed it long enough. You must choose your next path.” He walked over to her clothing chest to pull out a new light yellow linen bed dress he had recently given her. It was a thin material and intentionally loose, so she could comfortably grow into it over the next few moons. He tossed the dress at her unexpectedly, causing her to release the tight hold over her breasts to catch it.
Seeing the brief flicker of warning in his eyes, she swiftly slipped the bed dress over her head and down her body. “You win, Brocc. Anything else?” she managed to say through trembling lips as her chin started to quiver.
“Strangely, I don’t feel like I have won a cursed thing,” he said caustically as he walked toward the door. “I am going to burn this filthy heap of fabric. As for you, tis time to decide. Are you going to be my wife and raise this child properly? Or are you going to continue to be a vexing banshee and refuse me at every opportunity?” His eyes narrowed at her as he left the room and pulled the curtains closed behind him.
His heart was pounding in his chest as he slowly walked back into the main room of the house and tossed her dingy dress into the fire. He stared blankly as the flames engulfed the fabric. Never in his life did he expect to fall in love with such a stubborn woman! She was insolent, naïve, uncontrollable, and singularly the most frustrating woman he had ever dealt with!
The word “love” kept running through his mind. He must accept the truth of it all. He was absolutely, hopelessly in love with Una, and he had been from the start, ever since she entered his old home and became his foster-sister. She was his fate; he had always felt it. Getting her with child had been an accident, but certainly not a mistake. He was certain this was all happening the way it was supposed to. If only he could make her see that!
She wanted a husband who would love her. Had she any idea just how well he would love her for the rest of her life? He should have told her from the beginning of his true feelings for her. But now, now it felt like it was too late. She hated him, and he did not blame her. He had behaved like the very brute she always claimed him to be.
If he declared his love for her now, she would accuse him of lying to get her to marry him and leave him as nothing more than a broken man. What if she did not agree to marry him, ever? Nay. He could not allow that. No child of his would ever grow up without a father, he swore to himself. He must, by any means possible, find a way to convince Una to marry him.
If only he had not just ripped the clothes off her body like a crazed beast! Whatever trust and affection remained between them was most assuredly lost. His desire to force her to his will was only making everything worse. Feeling sick to his heart and his stomach, he decided to get some fresh air. The day was still young and he had work to do. Opening the front door, he was bombarded by the bright beams of the sun intruding into his smoke-filled home. What a contrast of visions the wide-open sky and warm sun on his face made to the dreary shadows that cast about in his darkened home. Deciding that a slow walk to the gathering hall was just what he needed, he shut the door and walked away.
Una knew Brocc had left. She could sense his absence within the home, feeling more abandoned than ever in her secluded chamber with Brocc’s unborn child growing within her womb. She lay on her bed sobbing, wondering how she had made such a mess of her life. Why did she refuse Brocc at every turn? The man had given her a place to live and an occupation. He insisted on marrying her, though he was unable to commit to the one request she had for any marriage: love.
Una rubbed her belly and thought of this wonderful gift Brocc had given her. It was unexpected, to say the least, and she was, as he had pointed out, undeniably naïve about all of it. She was unsure of what to expect as her pregnancy progressed, or what to do when she started her labor pains. How would she care for a child alone? She had no experience with children and no home other than Brocc’s.
She could live in her mother’s vacant home, but the thought of being alone with so many memories was too much to bear. Living alone was unheard of in their village. Most homes held large families consisting of parents, children, grandparents and even aunts, uncles and their own children. Her family was all gone, but she could not isolate her child in a home all alone with only her as companionship, as she had lived with her own mother. Now look at her. She had no family and nowhere else to live. Nay, she would not give her child such a sheltered life.
She felt cornered. Leaving his home was simply not an option. She needed him and his home to help raise their child. Yet, how could she continue to live here, under his roof, without being his wife? And if she continued to refuse, would he move on and marry another? That thought caused her heart to constrict and another tear rolled down her face.
Was being completely dependent on a man’s charity an appropriate reason to marry him? She thought not! If only she had other options, somewhere else to live so she might better assess her situation from the outside, without Brocc’s distracting, ever-lingering presence, skewing her perception. She needed to decide if marrying Brocc was what she wanted, instead of what she needed. And mayhap Brocc needed space from her as well, to decide what was best for himself. Mayhap his continued offers of marriage were born from some deep-seeded responsibility to take care of her, as he had always done. She could not allow Brocc to throw his life away just because he felt a misguided sense of honor to protect her.
Just then, there was a banging on the door. Una’s heart jumped up into her throat, praying to all the gods she would not find Mealla staring back at her with the look of a simpering child. She simply had no more patience for her and would soon lose her temper if that petulant lass continued to disrupt her life! Realizing she was still in her bed dress, Una wrapped a large blue wool blanket around her shoulders and opened the door. Why did someone always come calling when she was indisposed?
A pair of pale blue eyes stared back at her as she opened the door. Standing before her with a nervous sideways smile, ruffled brown hair, and nervous hands rubbing together, stood a bashful and flush-cheeked Collin O’Leary. His smile widened as he saw it was Una opening the door and not the intimidating king who had refused his presence in the past.
Realizing it must have taken a lot of courage for Collin to visit, Una gave him an affectionate smile. “Collin! What a surprise. What can I do for you?” She could see his eyes anxiously darting around as he scanned the interior for any sign of Brocc. Una smirked and stepped aside. “Brocc has left to do business. Would you like to come in?”
Collin’s tentative smile increased as his body visually relaxed and he stepped into the warm smoky room, the smell of roasting meat drifting in the air. She could sense his nervousness and wondered, after all this time, what had inspired Collin to visit, risking Brocc’s censure.
Taking a deep breath, Collin put out a shaky hand and grabbed Una’s, bringing it up his soft, warm lips.
Una almost pulled back, but she could feel his gentleness and knew he meant well. “Tis lovely to see you again, Una. I have missed you…are you doing alright?” The sincerity in his voice was touching and she could see his instincts were spot on as he looked at her disheveled appearance with ambivalence.
Now, when she felt more lost and alone than ever before in her life, his concern overwhelmed her. Tears began streaming down her face in a torrential downpour. She tried to wipe them away quickly with one hand, her other still clinging to the wool blanket around her shoulders, but they continued relentlessly, sliding down her cheeks and running down the column of her neck.
“Come,” Collin sat down upon a bench and patted the space beside him. “Sit down. What has happened to upset you so?” Chewing her lower lip, she hesitated, unsure how much of the truth she was willing to divulge. He would think her the worst sort of woman if he knew the truth and he was her only companion in the world. Could she survive the disappointment she would see in his eyes if she told all?
Collin took her hand, his eyes imploring her to bear her soul. Something about the slight lift of his upper lip and the gentle tilting of his head made her feel vulnerable, yet confident that he would listen without judgment. “Oh, Collin! Nothing is alright! I feel so lost!” She lowered her face into her hands and continued to sob, forgetting about the wool blanket as it slipped down onto the floor.
“Una…is he terrible to you? Has he hurt you?” his voice shook with suppressed rage. He may not be as large as Brocc, but Collin was still a decent sized man, even if were a farmer and not a warrior. Still, she was certain Brocc’s years of training as a warrior would overpower Collin easily, and she would prevent such an event if she could. “Tell me, Una!”
She looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes, tears pouring down her face as she whispered, “Nay…nay he has never hurt me. Not physically.” She paused, then let out a sigh of resignation. “He wishes to marry me. I have become so dependent on him. How can I be sure I am marrying him for the right reasons when I am ever in his overbearing presence? I have nay other family to stay with and cannot bear to live alone in my mother’s old home. And yet I cannot continue to live here and refuse him. I do not know what the right decision is.”
She sniffled and instinctively leaned in, wrapping her arms around Collin’s neck, pressing her face into his plaid tunic. His strong arms came around her comfortingly and held her in silence for several moments before he spoke again. “Do you love him?”
Her head popped up quickly and she locked eyes with him. Did she? She had always had strong feelings for Brocc and had dreamed of marrying him as a young lass. But this was no dream. Her reality was much more complicated. Aye, she carried his babe and lived with him, but he was controlling, possessive, and sometimes behaved like more of a beast than man. “I am not sure. At one point, I thought so, but tis hard to know for certain when we are always at odds and I have nowhere to escape and think. It doesn’t really matter, in the end. He does not love me.”
Collin cocked his head, as if he didn’t truly believe that Brocc didn’t love her, but he bit his bottom lip instead of arguing. Leaning closer, Collin cleared his throat and whispered, “Una, I cannot simply stop thinking of you just because Brocc has asked me to. Because I do love you.”
Una gasped and clutched at her heart. “You…you, love me?” she said weakly as her chin started to tremble, feeling on the verge of another torrent of tears. She was crying much too often these days, but no amount of restraint could hold back her flood of emotions.
“You really did not know? I have always loved you, Una. Ever since we were young and you came to visit the farm and played with the animals. Then you left home to foster with Brocc’s family and, even though I saw you from a distance, you never visited again. You came back into my life like a star blazing across the sky and I cannot simply let you go, just because Brocc asks me to. I stepped aside because I thought you loved him. But tis been three moons and I cannot stand it any longer.” Collin sighed and gripped her shoulders tightly.
“Marry me, Una. I know I am only a farmer and my offer must pale in comparison to his, but I promise to always love and care for you.” His voice trailed off and he took a deep, shaky breath.
“Collin,” Una whispered as she stroked a finger down his cheek, feeling the rough whiskers of his short beard against her skin. He leaned into her touch and inhaled as if she were the very air he breathed. Her pulse quickened at how simple an action it was, and yet how truly meaningful it was to feel so loved. “I am honored, truly. And I would consider your offer, only I’m in nay position to marry you.”
“Oh. I see.” His forehead crinkled as he pulled away from her touch and began to rise from the bench.
“Wait, Collin! Please, sit down. I must be honest with you, as you have been with me, even if it ruins your respect for me.” She wrung her hands together nervously. “You see, there is one very big reason. One I am certain you could never accept.”
“Una, I think I could accept just about anything about you, nay matter how grave, if only you would be my wife.”
“Collin, I am carrying Brocc’s child.” She breathed deeply as she took in the shock on his face. His eyes widened and he flinched as if struck.
“Is this why he has asked you to marry him? Tis none of my affair, but I am not at all surprised at his involvement in the matter. It seems quite like Brocc to bed an innocent woman in his care.”
Her eyes were downcast in shame as she remembered her own willing participation in the events of that night. “He had asked me to marry him well before we…before I became with child. Since then, however, he has been quite insistent upon it. Only, he never mentions love. Only that he wants to raise our child together. I feel like a burden and a responsibility to him. He takes care of me because he is my foster-brother. Mayhap he wants to marry me because it’s comfortable for him, but nay…tis not because of love.”
“Are you and Brocc…do you…” he made a crude gesture with his hands and pointed to the bedroom, as if too embarrassed to say the words, “Together? Often?”
Una understood exactly what it was Collin was asking and she flushed red from her head to her toes at his intimate question. “Nay! It was but one time! And it was a horrible mistake.” She gasped and rubbed her belly as if apologizing to the babe for her misspoken words. “Not that my babe is a mistake! Nay I am happy to become a mother. But, I cannot marry him simply because we had one night together and…” she looked down and gestured to her swollen abdomen, “we made a child.” The more she spoke, the more she was certain he would recant his offer. He must think her the worst sort of woman.
A low whistle escaped Collin’s lips and then he cleared his throat. “Well…tis quite a situation you are in, Una.” He ran a hand through his dark hair and sighed. “But it does not change my mind. I may not be the father of your child, but I love you and would accept this child as my own if you were my wife.”
“You would? You mean you do not think poorly of me?” She pulled away from him, realizing she was clinging to his arms in her shock.
He scoffed and shook his head. “Una, how could anyone think poorly of you for falling prey a man who has lain with half the young women in the tuath?” Una flinched at his words. It was true. She was just another lass who had allowed Brocc to have his way with her. Only this time, it resulted in the creation of a child. Brocc did not love her. He only wanted to do the right thing for the babe.
Collin cleared his throat. “I apologize. I should not have said that. It was unfair and I am only concerned for you. The thought of you and him together just makes me feel,” he paused and pursed his lips. “Never mind how it makes me feel. I won’t push you for an answer. But mayhap you should come stay with me while you sort out your feelings.” She blushed under his scrutiny as his eyes locked on hers and then roamed down her body. Noticing she had released the blanket at some point and he could see through her bed dress, she gasped and covered herself with her hands as
heat creeped up her cheeks, making her embarrassment palpable.
Collin said nothing, nor did he appear ashamed at being caught gazing inappropriately at her. Bending over, he grabbed the blanket off the floor and wrapped it around Una’s shoulders. She clutched it tightly until her knuckles turned white and looked away in shame.
Could she really stay with Collin? After the way he just looked at her, she wasn’t certain it was a good idea. But Collin had always been polite and well-mannered. She trusted him to not force himself upon her.
Brocc was so angry every time he was near her and Una was certain he would be relieved to have her out of his home. Isobel would be back soon to take over the domestic duties, so Brocc had no need of Una lingering here. Collin offered her an escape, a place to seek sanctuary while she sorted out her life.
Una felt resolve wash over her and knew what she must do, though a small piece of her already battered heart crumbled, wishing it could have been different. “I will accept your offer to stay with you. That is all I can commit to for the time being. I have much to think over. I am not denying your offer to marry, I am simply considering it.”
“Tis fair enough to me, Una!” She could see the light return in his eyes as he stood up and took her hands in his, pulling her up against him to place a soft kiss on her lips. She had to admit he was attractive and made her feel special, even if butterflies did not flutter within her belly at his kiss. Brocc’s kisses had sent bolts of lightning flowing through every nerve in her body. But Collin’s kiss had been quick and endearing. It was not meant to be passionate. Perhaps it was too soon to judge him in that regard.