His large hands didn’t budge. “Nope. No peeking.”
As he was navigating her outside and down the stairs, telling her to take three steps here, four steps there, she mumbled, “I liked it better when you just carried me.”
“If I did that, you would peek,” Jake answered.
“True,” Tessa sighed as she felt her boots sink into snow as she walked across Jake’s front yard. She wanted to see it.
“Okay, two steps up.” Jake’s voice sounded excited and it caused Tessa to get even more anxious—in a good way!—for whatever he had planned.
“Stop,” he said and she did.
She felt his warm breath fan down her neck, sending a delicious chill down her spine. His lips brushed against her outer ear, causing a deep pull in her core as he whispered, “Are you ready?”
She was ready for something, but she didn’t really think it would be appropriate for outdoors.
“Yes,” she said as she nodded her head.
He removed his hands from her eyes and her breath caught in her throat as tears immediately filled her eyes. They were standing on her Gran’s porch. A brand-new swing was hanging from the rafters, and there were two insulated cups sitting beside the swing and a box of donuts.
“Oh my gosh!” Tessa flung her arms around Jake’s neck as tears poured down her face. “When did you do this?”
His arms came around her and he rubbed up and down her back. “I’ve had the new swing in the garage since the day we all worked on the house. I was just waiting for the first snow. I got up a few hours ago and hung it. I wanted it to be a surprise.”
Tessa took in a shaky breath as she wiped her eyes. “You didn’t have to do that.”
He pulled back and looked down at her, his eyes and tone growing serious. “Yes. I did.”
As she stared up into Jake’s big brown eyes, she felt warmed from the inside out. It might have been thirty degrees outside, but when Jake looked at her like that, she was more than warm—she was hot.
“Come here.” He tugged her with him and they sat on the brand-new swing. He handed her a cup, and before the liquid even hit her mouth, she could smell that it was hot chocolate. And it might be a figment of her imagination but it smelled and tasted exactly the same as it had all those years ago.
Tessa looked out over the unobscured view of the face of the mountain and was momentarily paralyzed by its beauty. As snow fell on the majestic Sierra Nevadas, sprinkling it with white powder, it gave it an almost fairytale-like appearance.
She felt the swing move beneath her as Jake reached behind it. Tessa turned her head just in time to see him pulling out the very same patchwork comforter they’d snuggled underneath the first time they’d done this. It looked like it was in perfect condition. She’d asked her Gran for it when she’d first moved to Arizona and she’d told her that she didn’t have it anymore.
“Where did you…? How did you…?” Tessa couldn’t believe her eyes.
Jake didn’t answer as he draped it over her shoulders and wrapped her up in it like a burrito, only her hands wrapped around her mug sticking out. Turning towards her, he circled his arms around her and pulled her snugly to him, her back resting against his chest.
Tessa closed her eyes, so overwhelmed by…everything.
She couldn’t speak. She just sat against Jake’s solidness, sipping her hot chocolate as he rocked them slowly in the swing.
Everything in Tessa’s world, right at this moment, was…perfect.
“I’ve had this”—Jake’s hand grazed the comforter that was covering Tessa—“since the night that I came looking for you after I went back to the hospital and you weren’t there. I took it with me after I searched the whole house.”
Okay, maybe not perfect.
Tessa swallowed hard as her stomach dipped—and not from the motion of the swing. Sitting up, she placed the cup down on the small table that sat next to the hanging swing and turned back to face Jake. If they were going to talk about this, she needed to be looking at him.
“Why did you leave?” Jake asked. She saw moisture filling his eyes and her heart broke all over again.
She’d known this moment was coming. It was inevitable. Jake needed to hear the truth. The whole truth.
Taking a deep breath and reaching inside herself, she tried to stay calm as she spoke. “When we were in the truck, I only told you half of what the doctors told me—”
“What?!” Jake interrupted, “What do you mean?”
Tessa felt like she was going to throw up. This shouldn’t be that hard. They were both adults now. They’d moved on with their lives. They weren’t lovesick teens with idealistic views of what their futures held. But apparently her heart and body had not gotten that memo because they were both behaving as if that was exactly what they were.
Tessa shook her head a little, trying to pull it together as tears again fell unbidden down her cheeks. She sniffed. “They told me that I had been born with a congenital abnormality in my fallopian tubes. That alone would have made it difficult to conceive. But when I had the miscarriage, my fallopian tube burst and they said that in all likelihood I would never be able to conceive children.” Tears were pouring down her cheeks now, and she felt like her heart was being ripped out of her body as she said, “I can never have a baby.”
Jake’s arms were around her, holding her tightly against him just like the night in the truck when he had held her while she’d sobbed. The soothing tone of Jake’s voice as he whispered against her hair, the safety of being held in his arms, and the lulling feeling of being rocked back and forth all worked together to heal a part of Tessa that she’d thought would be broken…forever.
She stayed in the safety of his embrace until she felt a small bit of strength renewing in her. It grew with every gentle caress, every encouraging word, every rock of the swing. When it felt like the emotional storm inside of her had finally passed, Tessa sat up and wiped her eyes a final time. Although it had been painful to revisit the memory and finally say the words out loud to Jake, just like the talk in his truck, she felt like it had been cathartic. Therapeutic even.
Now Jake knew. He knew the truth and he understood why she’d done what she had done. The invisible weight she’d subconsciously been carrying around for the last thirteen years had been lifted off of her shoulders and she felt lighter than a feather.
“I’m so sorry, Tessa,” Jake said as he smoothed some stray hairs off of her damp cheek.
Leaning into his palm, for the first time in a long time, Tessa felt a spark of hope that even if they still couldn’t be together, they could still be friends. That Jake understood now and could forgive her for what she’d done.
Looking earnestly into her eyes, he said, “But I still don’t understand why you left.”
Or not.
She spoke slowly, making sure he understood the finality of her words. “I can’t get pregnant. I can never have children.”
He was still staring at her like she was speaking another language. She really hadn’t thought that she was going to have to connect the dots, but obviously she did.
*
Jake saw that questioning Tessa was making her upset, and honestly, that was the last thing he wanted to do. But he needed to know. Once and for all. No matter how painful. She might be the one crying, but he felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest.
“Wanting to be a dad is all you talked about.” Tessa’s hands flew out of the blanket. “And not just being a dad. But about your Irish-Italian heritage. And how much you loved having siblings and wanted that for your kids. The ones you had already named!”
“That’s why you left?” Jake honestly could not believe what he was hearing. He tried to remain calm. “You left because you couldn’t have kids.”
“Yes!” Tessa threw up her hands in frustration, as if that point should have been clear.
The swing rocked a little, and Jake stared at Tessa. He’d played this talk—the “why Tessa left” talk—ove
r in his mind countless times, but not in a million years had he thought those would be the words coming out of her mouth.
Jake tried to clarify. “You still loved me. And you left.”
“Yes,” she said, tears pooling in her eyes again. “I never stopped loving you. I still love you.”
Jake took in a deep breath as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, dropping his head in his hands. It had been hard enough for him to deal with the fact that she’d stopped loving him and left. To find out that she hadn’t stopped loving him, that they could have been together, infuriated him.
Raking his fingers through his hair, he counted to ten in his head. He remembered, as a kid, his mom counting to ten when she thought she was going to lose it. It had never really worked that well for her, but he figured he’d give it a try.
After he got to ten, he looked up, straight ahead at the mountain, and asked, “And you’re leaving again. Just because of that.”
“Why are you acting like it’s a little thing, Jake?” Tessa raised her voice, which she rarely did. “I wanted you to have a full life, with kids and a family. You can’t have that with me!”
“And you just made that decision all on your own?! I don’t get a vote in my own life?!” Jake yelled.
Tessa flinched at his words—or at the volume of his voice—and then quietly said through tears streaming down her face, “I know…er…um…knew what you would have said if I’d told you.”
“Really? So you’re a mind reader now too?” Jake could hear himself being a total asshole and he just couldn’t stop it. “So tell me, mind reader! What would I have said?!”
Tessa’s lip trembled as she took a deep breath. “You would have said that you loved me and it didn’t matter. That we would figure it out.”
“Damn right that’s what I would have said!” Jake stood and the swing creaked and swung back. He saw Tessa grab the side as he glared down at her. “Because that’s the truth. It was then and it is now!”
“Jake.” Tessa’s voice pleaded as her big blue eyes looked up at him and she shook her head. It felt like a knife was twisting in his gut. He saw it then. There was not going to be any changing her mind. She’d decided both of their fates. This one time, the time that he needed it most, there would be no reasoning with her.
But he still had to try. “I wanted to have a family with you, Tessa. Not anyone else.” His arms flew out. “I’m thirty years old and you are the last girlfriend I’ve had.”
She continued shaking her head. “You would have ended up resenting me or hating me.”
“And you think I don’t now?” Jake wished he could take the words back as soon as they’d left his mouth. He didn’t resent her and he definitely didn’t hate her.
A sad smile lifted on the corners of Tessa’s mouth as she stood and shrugged her shoulders. “No, I know you do. And you may never believe this”—she took in a shaky breath and wrapped her arms around herself protectively—“but I only wanted to do what was best for you. I still only want what’s best for you.”
Jake sat back down. His legs felt unsteady and he didn’t trust them to hold him up. How could she not know that she was what was best for him? He just couldn’t reconcile the things she was saying to him. “Are you honestly going to stand there and tell me that you leaving was really the best thing for me?” He could hear his anger, confusion, and pain bleeding into his voice.
Tessa spoke through the huge tears flowing down her face. “I know that I hurt you, Jake. I see that now more than ever. But can you see that doing what I did, that decision I made, cost me everything? You were my whole world. I walked away from you, from love, from a life that I knew was better than any dream-come-true I could have imagined, because I loved you that much.
“When I left, I willingly chose a broken heart”—she sniffed, her breath catching in her throat—“and a broken life because I truly believed it was the only way that you could have a whole life, a life you deserved…deserve to have. I sacrificed everything I ever wanted so you could have everything you ever wanted. And as painful as it was for me, so painful sometimes I didn’t think I could survive it, I would do it again. For you. I would do anything for you.”
Jake reached out and wrapped his arms around Tessa, pulling her close to him. His face was pressed up against her belly. “Then be with me. Stay in Hope Falls. Marry me. We’ll figure everything else out.”
“I wish it were that simple,” she said softly through broken breaths as her fingers ran through his hair.
Looking up at her, he knew that somehow he had to make her see. “It is that simple. Nothing else matters. You are everything to me. You are my family. If you leave, I’m not going to just meet someone and start a family.”
Tessa shook her head. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes I do! Tessa, I haven’t wanted anyone since you left.”
Pain slashed through her eyes as her jaw tightened and she pulled away from him. “Don’t, Jake.” The tears were falling faster than they had just moments before. She held up her hand to stop him when he reached out again and tried to hold her. “After everything we’ve been through. Just don’t.”
Again Jake was lost. “Don’t what?”
“You haven’t wanted anyone?” she repeated his words.
“No.” Jake shook his head emphatically.
Tessa tilted her head and crossed her arms in a defensive stance. “Really? Because I came back to Hope Falls two weeks after I left the hospital, before I went to New York, and I saw you.”
“Wait.” Jake stood back up. “You came back?! And you saw me?!”
Tessa’s voice shook as she said, “Yes. You were having sex with some blond girl. In your truck. I saw you.”
“And?” Jake really didn’t know what her point was.
“And it was two weeks after I left.” Tessa’s voice rose with every word she spoke.
He couldn’t believe that she was actually throwing the fact that he’d been with someone else in his face. He was not the asshole here. “So? What’s your point?!”
Tessa’s face flinched like his words had slapped her in the face. Her eyes widened and she shook her head like she couldn’t believe the words that had left Jake’s mouth.
“What’s my point?!” Tessa asked with fury in her voice.
“Tessa, stop.” Jake took a step towards her but she moved away.
“No. My point is you moved on! How long did you wait?! A whole day? Two days?” Her voice kept rising. Lunging at him, she pushed his chest. Hard. “‘You haven’t wanted anyone!” Letting out a forced laugh, she said, “Are you kidding me?! You’re sisters had to buy you new furniture that was ‘slut-free.’” Tessa put up her hands in air quotes. “Just how many girls have you not wanted since the girl in the truck?!” Then she pushed him again.
Jake grabbed her hands and pulled her towards him. “Is that what this is really about?! You stayed away because you saw me with some girl in my truck?”
“What? No!” Her brow furrowed in anger as she took a step back.
Jake followed, closing the distance between them. “Because yeah, I did sleep with girls. A lot of them. And to answer your question, it was three days. Three days before I fucked Jessica in the back of my truck. And then I think Gretchen was next a couple days late—”
“Stop it!” Tessa pulled out of his hold, shaking her head. “I don’t want to hear this.”
“No! You asked, so here it is! Yes! I had sex with a lot of girls. Hundreds, actually. But do actually think I wanted any of them?! I didn’t even know most of their names! I never saw any of them. I only ever saw you! It was always about you!” Jake grabbed her hand and put it flat against his chest. “Every time I was with one of them, I was only trying to fill the empty black hole where my heart was before you left and ripped it out of my chest.”
“Don’t say that.” Tessa’s lips were trembling, and her hands was shaking under his.
“Why not? It’s the truth. I didn’t gi
ve a shit about any of those girls. I know that makes me an asshole. But I don’t give a shit. I have loved one girl and only one girl. It’s only ever been you, Tessa!”
Jake could see her battling with what he was telling her.
He didn’t know what else he could possibly say to make her see, to make her understand. “Do you want to know why I don’t live in my own house? The one I’ve wanted since I was a kid? Because I can’t without you! That was supposed to be our house. Yeah, maybe I wanted it before I even met you, but after you left, even that dream was nothing if I didn’t have you.”
Lifting his hands, he cupped her face and wiped her tears from her cheeks. She reached up and placed her hands on top of his. Leaning down, he kissed her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, and then each eyelid before brushing his lips against hers. The only sound that filled the air was their labored breathing as they stood on the small porch.
Resting his forehead against hers, he closed his eyes as he cradled her face, desperately begging in a whispered voice, “Just stay. Please. Stay.”
Her chin started shaking and he felt tears puddling beneath his palms. Lifting his head, he looked down into her tortured blue eyes. He saw his answer. She was leaving.
Cursing under his breath, he walked off the porch as Tessa called his name. He really hadn’t believed until this moment that she would actually leave him. Again.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
‡
Jake stood to the side of the small altar in Hope Falls Community Church, trying to put on a good show, but he felt miserable. The bridesmaids had just walked down the aisle and Amy was next. He still couldn’t believe that his baby sister was really getting married today. He still thought of her as basically a little kid, even though he knew that was ridiculous.
He looked around, trying to distract himself from all the rioting emotions he was feeling. Everyone was dressed in their Sunday best. He smiled at Nikki, who was Amy’s maid of honor. Next to her stood Sara and Shelby, Matt’s sisters. He himself stood next to Eric and Matt’s brother-in-law, Sara’s husband. His mother sat on the front pew, already weepy even though the ceremony hadn’t yet begun.
Let It Snow (The Hope Falls Series) Page 23