by Nicola Haken
“Hey!” I bumped his shoulder with mine. “I’m not old!”
A nervous chuckle caught in his throat. “Sorry, I just meant…”
“I know what you meant. But the fact is whether you’re gay, bi, whatever, coming out isn’t something you only have to do once. Society’s default switch is set to heterosexual. In most cases, people assume straight until you tell them otherwise.”
There was a point to this conversation. I could feel it. I could see the battle on his young face, hear the struggle in his words. I was almost certain the night would end with Tyler coming out to me but I had to be sure I allowed him to do that rather than doing it for him, or pushing him in any way.
“Was it hard telling people at work?” He looked up at me briefly before returning his stare to his fingers.
“Not as hard as my mind had made it out to be.” Honestly, my biggest surprise had been that June hadn’t shot her gob off to the entire building, given that she’d known for a while already. “The guys I’m closest to were kinda fascinated actually. Asked lots of questions, which I didn’t mind. It’s not like I announced it over the Tannoy system so I’m not sure how many people even know, but no doubt word will spread. People gossip. It’s human nature.”
Tyler dropped his head even lower. “I don’t like people talking about me.”
“Do you think people talk about you?”
“I know they do.”
“How come?”
“Because…I dunno. They just do.” He leaned forward and grabbed his can of Coke off the table, took a sip, and then started fiddling with the ring-pull. “Being bi, wouldn’t it have just been easier to choose girls? I know you’d still fancy boys and stuff, but we don’t get to go out with everyone we fancy. Like, I think this girl in sixth form is well fit but I know I don’t have a chance with her. That way, you wouldn’t have had to deal with people talking about you, or judging you.”
I drew in a deep breath and expelled it as a long sigh. I saw the point he tried to make but I disagreed wholeheartedly. I just had to think of the right way to express it.
“The problem word there is choose. I’ve never had a choice, Ty. I don’t get to decide who I’m attracted to or who I make a connection with. And if I played by those rules I wouldn’t be with Oliver. Sure, I could’ve made a choice there. I could’ve chosen to ignore the spark I felt. I could’ve chosen to force myself into a box I didn’t fit in. I could’ve chosen to be miserable. That option seems pretty depressing and lonely though.”
Tyler wriggled awkwardly in his seat, shifting his body from side to side before draining what remained of his Coke. Then he sighed, rubbing over his head with his hand before sighing again. “If I tell you something will you tell Olli?”
“No, but if it’s what I think you’re going to say I think you should tell him.”
“I can’t.” He shook his head. “He’s dealing with enough right now init.”
“Trust me, Tyler, whatever’s going on in his life nothing is more important to him than you. But it’s just us right now. Let’s start there.”
He nodded quickly, tapping repeatedly on top of the empty can with the tip of his finger. “Do you think…God…” He let out a rush of air before sucking another breath back in. “Do you think I’m too young to know if I’m bi, like you?”
“Absolutely not. Scott’s got a girlfriend. Do you think he’s too young to know he’s straight?”
A soft chuckle snorted through his nose. “No.”
“So, are you telling me you’re bisexual?”
“I, uh, I think so. No, I know. I do. I know. I have for a while. Didn’t bother me at first because of Olli and Rhys. Sounds stupid but I never knew anyone had an issue with this shit, sorry, stuff, till I got to high school. I’d never seen Olli with a boyfriend but I always knew he liked boys and wore make-up and high-heels and that was just…life. So when I got this crush on this boy in year eight I figured that was no big deal either…until I realised it was a huge deal for everyone else and I had to pretend I was joking. Then, I kinda resented Olli. Thought maybe it was because he brought me up, or it was in my genes or something. I’ve been a really crappy brother the last couple o’ years.”
Winding my arm around his back, I squeezed his shoulder. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
“It really is.”
“Well, then I’m sure it doesn’t matter. The past is over. Gone. Forgotten. You can fix it by being a great brother from now on, which I already know you are because I see it every day. I really think Oliver needs to hear this, Ty. He loves you. He’ll want to know.”
“I guess. It’s just…”
“Just?”
“Nah. Sounds stupid.”
“I’ll never think you’re stupid, Tyler. Not ever.”
Sighing through his nose, he cocked his head to the side and glanced my way. “What if…what if I’m wrong? What if I tell people and I’m wrong? I’ll look like a dick.”
“Does it feel wrong?”
“No. It’s just…do you know Evan?”
“I’ve heard you and Scott talk about him I think,” I agreed with a nod.
“I like him. Really like him. And, uh, he likes me too…but we haven’t told anyone that yet.”
“Okay…”
“Thing is, it feels different than when I was with Leanne, but I really did like her too.”
My eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “I’m not sure I see your point.”
“I think I like him more than Leanne. What if, well, what if I’m really gay? I don’t think I am, but, crap, it feels like it shouldn’t be this hard.”
“Tyler, it’s okay. It’s okay to like one person more than another. It’s okay to like boys more than girls or girls more than boys. It’s okay for that to shift and change throughout your whole life. There are no rules. You feel what you feel and you don’t have to feel it all right now. Maybe you like Evan more because he’s your soulmate and you’ll fall in love, marry at seventeen and live happily ever after like my parents did. Or maybe you’ll find someone you like even more than Evan way down the line, like I did, when you’re thirty-four. Life, and love, just…happens. Live it, enjoy it, and know that Oliver and I are behind you every step of the way.”
For the first time tonight, Tyler looked at me and kept looking at me. His lips curled up into a grateful smile and his knee knocked into mine. “I’m really glad Olli met you.”
Damn, I truly loved this kid like he was my own. “Me too.” I couldn’t imagine life without either of them now. Even Marv had disowned me for Tyler. I couldn’t remember the last time he slept on my bed, preferring to curl up on Ty’s pillow instead. Cheating bastard.
“Will you be there when I tell Olli?”
“Sure. If you want me to.”
He nodded. “Not planning on telling anyone at school though. Not yet anyway. Although…I think Scott’s figured it out.”
“Then don’t. You don’t tell anyone until you’re ready. Ever. It’s no one else’s business. But, hey, I’m not just saying this because I’m his dad, but I know Scott will be cool with it.”
“Yeah. I know so too. You know, I always thought he was a bit of a loser till I ‘ad to get to know him ‘cause of you and Olli,” he admitted, laughing. “But he’s a top lad, init. My best mate now.”
Grinning, I shook my head. “I’m proud of you, Ty.”
He flashed me a half smile, looking a little embarrassed, so I decided it was time to get back to more pressing matters and ease some of the tension. “Rewind Supernatural. I’ll grab us some more Cokes.”
I’d barely reached the door when he called over his shoulder, “Bring crisps too!”
* * *
It took three more days for Oliver’s neutrophils to reach a high enough level where the doctors were willing to let him come home. I say home, he came to stay with me. We hadn’t discussed the long term but having him there sure felt right, Tyler too. We felt like a family, a perfect family, especially w
hen Scott turned up on the Friday night. I didn’t know how long it’d last, but for now, we had some normality back. I needed that. Since my little breakdown on Benny’s shoulder, I hadn’t been able to stop crying. I cried some more when I left the hospital that day. I cried when I went to bed that night. I cried whenever I saw something of Oliver’s hanging about the house. I even cried at a fucking chewing gum advert. My face was starting to look like I’d been head-butting a beehive for shits and giggles, and I kept more spoons in the freezer than I did the cutlery drawer lately.
It wasn’t long after Scott arrived when Tyler blurted out to the entire room that he’d told me he was bisexual earlier in the week. The shock on my face mirrored Oliver’s, not because I didn’t know, but because I wasn’t expecting him to come right out and say it during the Coronation Street ad break.
“Yeah, I kinda knew that already,” Scott said, shrugging.
Tyler’s gaze darted straight to him. “How?”
“Saw you and Evan, you know-in’, behind that wall near the bus stop opposite school the other week.”
Tutting, Tyler punched Scott’s shoulder. “Crappin’ ‘ell, mate, shut up.” He turned to Oliver, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. “It’s nowt like you’re thinking.”
“Do we need to have ‘the talk’?” Oliver asked, his voice low, nervous.
“Ah, don’t do that to him,” Scott interrupted. “Dad gave me ‘the talk’ about Courtney last week. Most uncomfortable ten minutes of my life.”
“I don’t need no talk. I just wanted you to know, and now we can go back to watchin’ telly, okay?”
Oliver rose from his spot on our two-seater sofa and headed over to the three-seater where Tyler sat. He stretched his arms out wide, while Tyler rolled his eyes, bent down and hugged the crap out of his brother. “Ah, sh-” Oliver pulled back, sucking his top lip between his teeth and clutching at his arm.
“What is it?” I urged, rushing over to him.
Rolling up his sleeve, he nodded towards the crook of his elbow as he pressed and prodded just beneath his PICC line. “Think I must’ve caught it on something. No big deal.”
“We’ll tell the nurse in the morning,” I said. I wasn’t prepared to take any chances. While he was home, a community nurse came to the house every morning to see how he was, take his blood, flush out his PICC line and change the dressing when required and so on. I was grateful for the visits because they eased my unspoken nerves that something could go wrong and I wouldn’t know what to do. Oliver was still sick and, as much as I wished it were, my love wasn’t enough to make him healthy again. I needed the nurse too. I needed her advice, her support and reassurance. I needed to know we weren’t alone.
Oliver pulled his sleeve back down. “You worry too much.”
“Well excuse me for loving you so much that I don’t want your arm to get gangrenous and fall off in your sleep.”
Raising an eyebrow, he pulled a face.
“Anyway…” I cocked my head towards the sofa. “Let’s sit back down. It’s Supernatural time.”
“Oh please no. I can’t take another episode.”
My jaw dropped open. I felt like he’d just ripped out a tiny piece of my heart and stomped on it. But then he tilted his head to the side, drawing his lips into a small frown as he gazed up at me with sad eyes.
“Oh, don’t do that,” I said.
“Do what?” He forced innocence into his voice. It was all an act. I knew better.
“Look at me with your cancer face. It’s not fair.”
A flash of amusement lightened his expression. It was a truly joyous sight, one I didn’t see nearly enough of anymore. “My cancer face?”
“Yes. Oh, look at me. I’m all sad because I’ve got cancer. You do it on purpose so I can’t say no to you.”
“Did it work?”
I huffed and grumbled because of course it fucking worked. “Right, lads, we’re going upstairs. Tyler, don’t you dare watch Supernatural without me.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it init.”
“Night, Dad. Night, Olli,” Scott said.
“Yeah, g’night,” Tyler added.
“Night, boys,” Oliver said.
“Night, John-Boy,” I tacked on as I left the room, sniggering because I thought I was hilarious.
Clearly, the boys didn’t agree because I heard them say in unison, “Huh?”
Damn, that made me feel old.
Upstairs, I went to veer into the master bedroom but Oliver’s hand appeared on my shoulder, stopping me. “Bath?”
“Together?” I asked, my voice a notch higher than intended. The last time we tried that it didn’t turn out quite as planned. I ended up bruising my back on the taps and we spilled so much water it leaked through the ceiling in my kitchen.
“We won’t be as…vigorous as last time. I need to keep my arm as dry as possible,” he said, chuckling.
“I’ll grab some fresh towels.”
Once the bath was filled, I started to climb in, but again Oliver stopped me and stepped in himself first, opening his legs for me after sitting down. Smiling, I got in and nestled myself in the space he’d created, leaning my back against his chest.
“I knew having a corner bath would come in handy one day,” I said, groaning as he scooped hot water over my chest. It was cramped and I had to prop my feet on the edge of the tub but I didn’t care.
“I want to wash your hair.” Oliver sighed as he ran a palm over the top of my head. “I miss it. I miss working, styling people.”
“There’s not much to wash…” My hair was growing back pretty quickly but I still classed it as fuzz rather than hair. “And definitely not enough to style, but knock yourself out.”
He began by wetting my scalp with a sponge and then he squeezed a dollop of shampoo onto his hands with a squelch before massaging it into my head.
“Oh my God…” Closing my eyes, I let him take me to paradise. The pads of his fingers dug deep into my scalp, moving back and forth, around and around. If skulls could orgasm, mine would’ve been jizzing all over the bathroom tiles right now. “Damn, what are you doing to me…”
“If you want the technical words, this technique is a mixture of effleurage and petrissage.”
“Mmm. Whatever it is. Don’t stop.”
And he didn’t. He carried on for what felt like forever but not nearly long enough before moving onto my shoulders.
“You could charge for this,” I whispered, my voice a sated whisper.
“I do. At the salon.”
“Right. Yeah.” I kept my eyes closed and hoped he didn’t stop working his magical fingers for the rest of our lives.
But, he had to of course, and when he reached for the shower head that hung down from the wall I dropped my head to the side and sighed. “I’ll rinse it in a minute. Can’t be arsed reaching up to turn it on,” I said. I wasn’t sure I could be arsed moving again…ever.
Laughing softly, he reached around and ran his hands along the front of my chest instead. “So…Tyler. Wow. Wasn’t expecting that tonight.”
“Me either,” I agreed. “At least not for him to announce it the way he did. Are you mad that I didn’t tell you?”
“Of course not. He trusted you, and I’m glad he felt like he could talk to you. I kinda wish he’d felt like he could talk to me too, but…” Sighing, he trailed off.
Locking my fingers through his, I clutched his hand to my chest. “Oliver, you’re fighting leukaemia. You’ve been in hospital. He thought you had enough on your plate.”
“He’s known for longer than that,” he countered. “I’m not mad, truly, just disappointed in myself. I know I shouldn’t be. I know it’s probably not personal-”
“It’s absolutely personal,” I interrupted. “He might not always show it but you’re the person he loves and respects most in the entire world. You’re the one person he’s most afraid of letting down.”
“That’s ridiculous. I’m gay, Seb. How could this news possibly
let me down?”
“Exactly. You’re gay. Tyler isn’t, and it’s different. You know what it was like for me. You know there’re people who don’t believe bisexuality is real, that it’s a stepping stone, or you’re confused. Tyler knows that too, and it’s hard not to believe all that when you’re fifteen and trying to figure yourself out. I think when he met me, saw what you and I had together, it made him realise it’s okay, that what he feels is valid. He does exist, and it is possible to find someone to fall stupidly, sickeningly in love with.”
“We are kinda sickening,” Oliver agreed with an adorable snort.
“I think that’s why he came to me. He knew I’d understand because I’d been there. I am there. And also because I was like a practice run, I guess. You were the big one, the important one. I think he just needed to work up to it.”
“It’s funny, I think I forget you’re bi sometimes. Well, forget is the wrong word, but you never mention any women you’re attracted to or anything.”
Rolling my head to the side, I craned my neck to stare up at him, an amused smirk teasing my lips. “Because I’m not fifteen anymore. I have the ability to walk past a good-looking woman without tugging on your jacket and whispering, ‘Phwoar, she’s well fit init,’” I said, mimicking the way I’d heard Scott and Tyler talk to each other.
“Yes very funny,” he said, though he didn’t sound particularly amused. “I mean celebrities. You know about my thing for Simon Cowell-”
“Yes, and I judge you for that.”
“And I know about your thing for John Barrowman,” he continued, ignoring my interruption.
“I do not have a thing for John Barrowman.” Okay, so maybe I did, but I wasn’t sure how Oliver knew that and I started to wonder if he’d found the Captain Jack underpants I had hidden at the bottom of my chest of drawers. They were fucking awesome. Shame they didn’t fit.
“Oh, please. You own every episode of Torchwood on DVD, and I noticed on your TiVo box you both taped and saved an episode of Loose Women that had him as a guest.”