by R S Burton
“I should head home.” I murmured standing up as the air began to turn cold. “Thanks for tonight.”
“I’ll walk you.” Jimmy offered.
We walked through the city, back down the main street toward my apartment complex.
“This is me.” I said stopping outside the building. Jimmy looked up and raised his eyebrows.
“Wow, this puts my one bedroom bedsit apartment to shame.” He groaned. “The rent on this place must be killer.”
I gulped and just nodded, not willing to admit that I wasn’t even sure what Tobias usually charged for apartments like mine.
“Well, uh. We should do this again sometime.” Jimmy murmured.
“For sure. I had fun, it was nice to push my troubles away for a couple of hours.”
Jimmy smiled before stepping forward and placing his hand over mine. At first I took it as a friendly gesture, but then he moved closer, bringing his face closer to mine.
“Jimmy.” I remarked, my voice a soft whisper. “Stop.”
He stopped immediately dropping his hand from mine and stepping back. Our eyes met and I could see rejection within his. I felt guilty, Jimmy was a nice guy, and if things had been different he probably would have been exactly what I needed but I couldn’t change what had happened, I couldn’t change who I loved.
“Sorry, Jimmy… You’re a great guy.” I paused and looked down. “It just, I’m in love with someone, unrequited and he’s completely unobtainable, but still… I’m in love with him.”
Jimmy smiled and dipped his head forward. “Mr Clarke?” he questioned knowingly.
“Stupid right?” I replied, confirming his guess.
Jimmy shook his head. “Not at all. I’ve seen how he looks at you. I don’t think it’s as unrequited as you think.”
I smiled sadly. “I really wish you were right.”
Jimmy placed his hand over mine again. “Well he’s an idiot if he can’t see how special you are.”
“You’re a good friend Jimmy.” I murmured.
Jimmy laughed and held his hand up to his heart. “Ooh, friendzoned.” he joked before shrugging. “No really though, if you ever need someone to talk to, about anything. I’ve got a shoulder and some pretty good ears.”
“Thanks Jimmy. I might just take you up on that.”
Because if today had been anything to go by, Getting over Tobias was going to be harder than I had anticipated.
Chapter Twenty
The next morning I went to work planning to get through the day the same way I had made it through the day before. Avoidance and distraction. Only my plans were thwarted the moment I turned on my computer at work. I already had an email from Tobias.
Ruby,
Louisa Taylor will be here for a meeting this morning. I need you to sit and take notes for drafting once the meeting is over.
Tobias.
I stared at the words for five minutes solid, unsure why Tobias considered this a good idea. My stomach churned, I didn’t want to see them together, I didn’t want to take notes… I frowned, disappointed I clearly couldn’t stay professional about the situation, but the truth was, the moment Tobias and I had crossed the line only a few days into my new job position, all remnants of professionalism had flown out the window anyway. Still I forced myself to hit reply and I began to type, I was going to have to fake it until it didn’t hurt so much to be around him anymore, however long that was.
Tobias,
Yes. Of course. I see the meeting is scheduled for 10am. I will make sure refreshments are ordered.
Ruby.
I called the pastry shop down the road and placed an order for delivery to the office at 9:55am. Tobias didn’t reply to my email, not that I had expected him too so I focused on my work. Just before 10am the food and coffee arrived so I walked across to Tobias’ office holding it all and knocked on the frosted glass door with my elbow.
“Come in.” He replied. I pushed open the door with the same elbow and walked inside.
“I have the refreshments for the meeting.” I explained, walking to the meeting table in the middle of his office. He stood up as I placed the box and coffee tray down on the table.
“Thank you Ruby. I didn’t expect you to go to such trouble.” he replied softly, opening the pastry box.
“I dialled a number and they delivered. It really wasn’t too difficult.” And I was trying to prove to myself that I was capable of being mature about things. Although I knew underneath it all, I was just pretending.
“Thank you all the same.”
I shrugged and pulled the coffee cups from the tray. “I’ll go wait for Ms Taylor at my desk. I’ll bring her through when she arrives.”
Tobias didn’t say anything, so I turned and walked toward the door.
“Ruby.” he whispered once I placed my hand on the door handle. I stopped but didn’t turn around. He didn’t say anything else and all that hung between us was empty air and unsaid words. I sighed before pushing the door open and walking out.
Five minutes later Louisa arrived. Her perfect blonde hair was down, styled loosely with soft curls that sat around her face, bringing attention to her striking blue eyes.
She wore another bodycon minidress, purple this time and somehow she looked even better than the day before.
“Ruby.” She smiled widely. “I believe Tobias is expecting me.”
I nodded and stood up, unplugging my laptop as I did so. I closed the top and carried it as I walked toward Tobias’ office. “Follow me, I’ll take you through.”
I knocked on the door, but walked inside before Tobias had even replied. “Louise Taylor is here to see you Sir.” I looked down at the floor, I had avoided his eye contact thus far, I didn’t intend for that to change, especially not now.
“Louisa, it's nice to see you again. Please, take a seat. Ruby ordered us some food and coffee so please help yourself.”
“Oh delicious, I really shouldn’t, but I am a sucker for custard danishes.” She giggled. “Thank you Ruby.”
“No problem.” I remarked dryly, walking toward my spectating chair in the corner of the room.
“Ruby is going to take notes. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Oh not at all.” Louisa replied. I looked up and watched her as she took a danish from the box and placed it down on a napkin. Out of the corner of my eyes I watched as Tobias sat down at the table. For a few minutes they spoke about projections and estimated returns. I took detailed notes so writing the report would be easier. The sooner this was over, the better.
“I think that is all of the vital stuff out of the way. We could probably discuss the rest over dinner tonight.” Louisa murmured.
My head shot up, not so subtly and I felt myself frown heavily in Louisa’s direction. My stomach rolled. I didn’t need to hear this, I didn’t need to know what he was doing with her. I looked at him, not expecting his eyes to be on mine, but they were. His icy blue eyes were focused on me and not her. He swallowed hard before turning his head back to Louisa. “Yes. You’re probably right. Uh Ruby… you can head out and type up those notes for me.”
I wanted to throw the computer on the ground and tell him to shove his job, in fact I was surprised I hadn’t yet. Instead I calmly stood up and walked with my laptop out of his office.
I sat down at my desk and let out a strangled breath, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t stop my emotions ruling me, not at home, not here. Working for the man I had fallen in love with, but couldn’t have was driving me mad. I couldn’t make him love me, and I couldn’t make him open up either. I was fighting a losing battle and I needed to concede before I lost my mind as well as my heart.
I resolved to work on the notes until Tobias walked Louisa out of the office. He took her down to the elevator and waited until the doors closed after her. He walked back up the hallway, stopping at my desk. Against my better judgement I looked up and our eyes met. All the oxygen in my lungs evaporated into nothing and my throat burned.
“R
uby…” He whispered. “I…”
“Don’t.” I replied holding my hand up. I shook my head and bit my lip. This was it, I was calling time. “I quit.”
His eyes widened as a deep frown crossed his face. “Please, don’t…”
“I can’t do it Tobias. I can’t be professional. I can’t come here everyday and pretend I don’t love you.”
And I can’t watch you with other women...
“I don’t want you to leave.” he whispered.
“Well, unfortunately we don’t always get what we want.” I stood up and grabbed my purse. “Goodbye Tobias.”
Saying the words hurt more than I could have ever imagined, but cutting the threads tying us together were more than necessary now.
I walked out from behind the desk and brushed passed him, his hand caught mine. “Ruby I… I don’t want to lose you.”
I pulled my hand out of his and turned to look back at him. “You can’t lose something you never truly had Tobias.”
I walked to the elevator, still unsure if my rash decision was the right thing to do. I needed the job, I needed the money… but I couldn’t do it if it meant sacrificing my heart and sanity.
I stepped inside the elevator and rode it to down to the ground floor.
Tears rolled down my cheeks the moment I stepped out of the building. I had wanted to keep it together at least until I made it home… Home… I didn’t even have one of those anymore. I needed to go to the apartment and pack and get the hell out of this city.
I walked into the building, ignoring Chris at his post as he opened the door for me. Once I was in the apartment I leaned against the door and let the tears fall thick and fast. I slid down the door and sat against it, and let my body shake from the deep sobs I just couldn’t stop from coming.
I had picked the wrong guy again, only this time I had fallen in love. My heart belonged to him and even though I had told he couldn’t lose something he didn’t have, he did have me and he still had me and I knew that even leaving the city and running away wouldn’t change that.
But I had to try.
I wiped my eyes and stood up. I walked through the apartment, forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other until I made it to my room. I walked inside and sighed, at least I only had to pack clothes.
I grabbed a suitcase from my closet and began to empty my clothes from my drawers and closet into it haphazardly. My hands brushed over the pink dress from the ball. I hadn’t taken it into the shelter yet. I’d told myself it was because I was too busy, but really I knew it was because I was clinging to it like I’d been clinging to hope of a real relationship. Not anymore. I left the dress on the bed and finished packing my clothes. Once I was done, I took one last look at the bedroom before wheeling the case out into the hallway with the dress hooked over my arm.
I left the phone Tobias had bought me on the bench and walked back toward the front door. I slipped my hand over the handle and turned, while holding the case in one hand and my dress in the other.
I let out a sigh, allowing the mess of emotions that were coursing through my body out for a short moment. I turned the handle and opened the door, but before I could walk out into the corridor the elevator doors pinged open. Tobias walked out, breathless and visibly stressed. His eyes settled on mine and for a moment all the turmoil was forgotten. I wanted to step forward, and fall into his arms. He looked down, breaking the eye contact between us, focusing instead on the suitcase.
“You’re leaving.” He mumbled.
I tightened my grip on the case, unable to speak… and I just nodded.
Chapter Twenty One
“You can’t. Ruby… please.” He begged.
I closed my eyes, but it did nothing to silence my aching heart. I wanted to stay, more than anything but I also wanted him to love me. I couldn’t make him love me, and he couldn’t make me stay so we were at an impasse. I shook my head and flicked my eyes open, locking contact with his.
“How did you get up here without Chris calling ahead.” I frowned.
Tobias face deepened to a shade of pink that would have been endearing if everything that was going on wasn’t actually happening. He ran his left hand over his hair and let it rest behind his neck.
“I told him I was here for apartment complex business.”
“You lied.” I croaked.
Tobias nodded, he swallowed hard then opened his mouth to speak. “I needed to see you and if he’d called ahead then you would have told him to send me packing.” He exclaimed.
“So you took advantage of your position, and now you’re forcing me to see you, be damned what I want or don’t want.” I shot back, angry that he had manipulated the situation.Tobias face fell, his eyes went dark and recoiled back. His tall frame sagged slightly and he seemed small and lost. I felt guilty for hurting him, I wanted to take it back and embrace him, but I forced myself to remember everything we’d been through in such a short space of time. The constantly changing degrees in temperature between us, from blistering heat to sub zero cold. This was why it couldn’t work… We were doomed for failure.
“You’re right.” He whispered. “I’ll go.”
He backed away, toward the elevator. I looked down and sighed deeply, even after all the pain I didn’t want him to leave. Not like this.
“Why are you here?” I whispered watching him move away slowly. He stopped and looked up at me.
“You said you wouldn’t run away from me.” he murmured. “But you did, and you are.”
His voice was still weak, and he was still slouched over. He was cowering away and despite everything… I still wanted him to open up. Seeing him broken pained me deeply.
I let go of the suitcase, laying the dress across the top, and then folded my arms. “That was before.” I explained.
“Before what?” he replied.
Before everything… Before my world was turned inside out and upside down. Before I’d let myself love someone who couldn’t love me back.
“Before I fell in love with you Tobias.” I replied, opening my heart once more, hoping that this would be the time he opened up right back. “Before I let myself get in too deep.”
His eyes locked with mine, they were surprisingly soft. He stepped forward, closing the distance between us a fraction. I was at risk of losing it all, his gaze unarmed me. I was still his, no matter what I said or where I went. He would always have a hold on me.
“But you ran to Jimmy.” He murmured.
I frowned, confused about how he had deduced that I had run to Jimmy. I shook my head and took a step back. “What do you mean?”
“The other night, when you ran out on dinner… I came out after you. I saw you… with him, you left with him.” He whispered his face was blank, he was looking through me now, rather than looking at me. I shook my head. Tobias had come out after me? I felt a smile cross my lips even though I fought to keep it back.
“You followed after me?” I replied.
“Of course I did.” he frowned. “Ruby, I was scared… I pushed you away. I realized what I was doing after you pointed it out. I wanted to apologise, but then you were with him.”
He stood up straight and shoved his hands into the pockets of his suit pants. “Then Chris called about 1am, He was on guard and he was worried because you hadn’t returned. He wanted to check if you were with me.”
My heart stopped and I swallowed back a ball of errant emotion.
“You think I was with Jimmy?” I replied.
“Weren’t you?” he replied, he spoke with a kind of desperation I was surprised to hear from him. Like he was begging me to tell he was wrong.
I just shook my head in response and pointed inside. “You should come in.”
We needed to talk, to clear the air before I left. I couldn’t live my life wondering what if, and it seemed like he couldn’t either. Tobias listened, and walked toward my front door. Once he stepped inside I closed the door behind him and locked it. We walked into the lounge and sat d
own on opposite ends of the couch from one another, the distance acted as an imaginary trench, dividing us.
“Jimmy worked on Saturday, After he finished for the night, he saw me… upset in the street and I guess he wanted to cheer me up.” I explained. “We had pizza, and then I booked into a hotel room… alone. I was too scared to go home that night.”
“So you didn’t sleep with Jimmy?” he whispered softly.
“Of course not.” I retorted, offended he thought I could just forget him and everything we’d shared just like that. “I couldn’t just brush love off and move on to the next person.”
Tobias frowned. He looked down at his hands and balled them into fists so tight his knuckles whitened. “I was kind of like that, brushing people off and moving on… before I met you anyway.”
“So Louisa is special then?” I shot back. “She isn’t just another meaningless notch.”
“Louisa?” He murmured, he sounded confused.
“I can’t have been a coincidence that two days after you told me what she’d offered you walk into work with her first thing in the morning. You asked me to make coffee because you didn’t have time… and then today… she offered you dinner…” I stopped talking, my voice breaking under the heartache. Did he really need me to spell it out?
Tobias let out an amused chuckle, and lifted his head, locking my eyes with his once more. He was laughing at me? After everything I had admitted about my feelings for him, he thought this was funny? I shook my head.
“Why the hell is you sleeping with Louisa Taylor funny.”
He smiled and reached forward, outstretching his hand enough to graze mine. I pulled it back, away from his searing touch.
“Because we’ve both got our wires crossed and assumed the worst.” He stopped and let out a shaky breath. “I didn’t sleep with her.” he murmured. "And I never had any intention of sleeping with her."
"But you said..." my voice trailed off. I couldn’t breath, or focus… I needed air.