"That’s because you know you’re gorgeous. You know every night I go to bed thinking about you and your eyes and hair. And you know that means sometimes it can be hard to get to sleep at all."
"Don’t press your luck."
They held hands while they ordered food, and Emily thought that if Mitch tried to kiss her she’d let him. But he was content to talk.
When they got to the table, she wanted to talk about food. Did he like Ethiopian cuisine? Had he ever heard of injera? Was coconut milk going to work with red beans? Was he allergic to anything she should know about?
"Can’t stand mushrooms."
"That’s a problem. I love mushrooms. Fine, I’ll just invite someone else over if I want to make mushrooms."
"Like... Richard?"
She had enjoyed not thinking about Richard. "Or Martin. He ate just about all of the stuffed mushrooms I made that night."
"Okay. Would you like to talk about Martin or Richard?"
"Martin... likes mushrooms, is funny and likes politics. I don’t really know enough to say anything else."
"Great, then let’s talk about Richard."
"He’s the big brother I never had."
"And is that why you were touching him this morning?"
It took her a moment. "I touched his hand, didn’t I? And you’re right, that is totally the same thing as you touching your ex-girlfriend. Except that Richard and I don’t do too much touching in general, and definitely not that kind."
"That’s not true."
Emily repeated his words to herself just to be sure she heard them correctly. "Excuse me? Do you mean some guy other than the one dating Zainab?"
He frowned. "I bet that’s never awkward."
Her heart was beating faster. "You’d better take that back. I’d never do anything like that to her."
"So it’s okay if you don’t tell her about whatever was going on between the two of you before they hooked up?"
"There was nothing-"
"I saw you with him."
He was crazy. "You couldn’t have seen anything!"
"I saw him holding you, and not like a big brother."
"What are you talking about?"
"That day in the quad."
She was stunned. There was only one day he could mean, and he was accusing her of... Oh, Hell no. "That was the worst day of my life. I had just been literally shaken up by my psycho drug-dealing ex, then found out that Zainab had been raped because of him."
"What?!?"
"You caught me. That’s our dirty little secret. Drew sold Joe the drugs, and I saw him do it. And Richard and I had the drugs. That was the day I punched Joe out, and then I saw you. Excuse me for being a little upset and needing a hug from a guy who wasn’t an ass!" The one thing she’d learned from Drew was to keep fighting. "You are a perfect, jealous pig right now, and where do you get off? When have you ever had a good reason to be jealous?"
Mitch rolled his eyes. "Oh, here we go."
"You want to dance, let’s dance. You don’t get to screw someone for three months and then whine to me because I was hugging someone or talking to someone! Did I ever blow you off to be with someone else? I am not a toy, and I’m not going to play games, especially when they have different rules for different people."
"When are you going to stop whining and grow up? I made a mistake and I said I was sorry. I’ve tried to make up for it, but there’s nothing you’ll let me do. Jesus!" Mitch came in close. "Kyra may have been a piece of work, but being cheated on twice was more fun than this."
Emily threw her iced tea on him. "That ought to cool you off until you can find some more." She got up, marched out and hoped she’d never have to see him again.
CHAPTER 61
Emily’s anger moved her to the train station. Lesson learned. She never wanted to see Mitch again.
It was when the C train pulled in that she wished she could turn around and run back to Mitch, even if it was to fight with him and be hurt again because that would be easier than getting on the train and going home.
She tried to see Mitch’s face. She tried to remember Richard’s voice as he’d described the call. She tried to remember how much she despised Michael. None of that worked. All she could see was Zainab starting past her.
She dreaded every step off the train, but she took them anyway. Zainab had every right to tell her she didn’t want to see her again, but she deserved to hear Emily apologize first.
Zainab was sitting at the kitchen table when Emily opened the door. Emily smiled in spite of herself. "I thought you’d be at the library."
"I told Richard I wanted to come home. I thought you’d be with Mitch."
"I basically told him the same thing." Zainab didn’t say anything. Emily closed her eyes. "I am so sorry."
Zainab scoffed. "What, exactly, are you sorry for?"
"Because I didn’t tell you the truth."
Zainab pointed to another chair. "Tell me now."
Emily sat down. "I don’t know where to start." She opened her hands. "I saw Joe talking to Drew. I asked them both and I tricked them into lying to me. I should have said something then, but I didn’t understand. And I didn’t think you’d believe me. Richard tried to tell me what a liar Drew was and I didn’t listen, so why would you listen about Joe?
"That day... Richard told me Drew lied about school, his job, his ex-girlfriend. He was a lie. And then I realized what I must have seen, and Richard helped me find the drugs. He took them because he wanted to give Drew a reason to leave, but I think he also thought he was protecting Drew from getting in trouble. Because he’s a nice-"
"Then what happened?"
"He brought me here. I was waiting for you to tell me you’d told me so, and wanting to hear everything was going to be okay. When you told me what happened, I realized I should have told you everything and I should have gone to that party and I should killed Joe when I’d had the chance.
"When I left you, I found Joe and I told him I knew. I had the drugs and I had his dealer and if he didn’t go away I’d get Drew to testify against him in exchange for everything else. And he’s a stupid little boy, so he agreed. And then I found Richard and told him what happened." Zainab’s eyes were red. "And then I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to upset you even more, and I’m sorry."
"You left something out."
"I did?"
"You left out the part about punching Joe in the face."
Emily froze. "How did you... Why did Mitch tell you that?"
"Because he thought I already knew."
Emily slumped back. "I punched him. I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner."
"What is the matter with you?" Zainab leapt up. "What were you thinking?"
She blinked so she wouldn’t cry. "That he was a monster."
"You just found out that he attacked me, so you go after him yourself? He could have hurt you, you idiot!"
"I wasn’t worried about that."
"I am worried about that! When you came over I couldn’t get off that couch. I didn’t want to answer the door because I was scared. If you had called I wouldn’t have picked up the phone. I wasn’t going to go to class. My parents weren’t going to hear from me. I wasn’t going to leave if you hadn’t come over and that means nothing to you! It was more important to be a hero."
"You are the most important person to me-"
"Then act like it!"
Emily stood up. "Didn’t you hear me? I wasn’t trying to be a hero. I was-" she looked up at the ceiling. "I was trying to fix the mess I made."
"That is crazy."
"Drew was a lie, but he was my lie. Anyone with half a brain would have been able to see what he was after the first date. Anyone who wasn’t desperate wouldn’t have felt saved because some overgrown ten-year old wanted to play house. I should have seen what he was and what he did, but I would have had to have owned up to having parents who couldn’t care less about me. And then you’d know that I’m not worth caring about and I’m n
ot even that smart."
"You really aren’t that smart. You think I like you because you’re perfect? Or because nothing bad ever happened to you?"
"I don’t... Zainab, I’m so sorry."
"I know."
Emily closed her eyes. Her chest heaved. "I think it’s time for me to leave."
"Leave where?"
"Here. I’ll figure something out. Maybe Miranda has some-"
"Leave as in leave? What is the matter with you?"
"Don’t you want me to leave?"
"I’m not allowed to be upset without you wanting to walk out?"
"That isn’t what I meant. I just didn’t think... you’d want to be around me. I don’t know how to make this up to you."
Zainab blinked. "Make this up to me? What did you have in mind? Bringing me the head of a dragon to prove how sorry you are? Stop being a hero."
Emily looked up. "I will on one condition."
"Really?"
"Just hear Richard out."
Zainab turned around. "That is different and you know it."
"He took a big risk to protect us both."
"He could have gone to jail and ruined his career before it started. Jessie would be... screwed. What was he thinking?"
"That you were worth it."
"I am not calling that man."
"So just pick up when he calls."
Before Zainab could answer, her phone rang. She looked at Emily, who nodded. She sighed. "Hello?"
Emily left. They were going to have a happy ending. She was going to have a nice long walk.
CHAPTER 62
"Look, I don’t want to gossip about Zainab," Emily said after Miranda asked her about Richard and Zainab.
Miranda waved her hand and rested her arm on the café table. "Don’t worry, Jessie already did that for you."
"So what do you need me for?"
Miranda sipped her coffee. "Sounds like you could use someone to talk to also."
Emily smiled. "You’re sweet. Why don’t you tell me what you already know?"
"Let’s see. Sophie’s ex was a drug dealing sociopath, you punched out a rapist, Michael grabbed something he shouldn’t have on the way out of town just because he’s Michael and Richard desperately wants to take Zainab to the Cape."
Emily held up a hand. "Fine. There were a lot of phone calls, a couple of late night visits- which were really awkward because I sleep in the living room- and a list of conditions, but Zainab finally agreed to go last night."
Miranda grinned. "Oh good! She’s the best thing that ever happened to him."
Emily sighed. "He can get in line."
"Mm hmm. And how are you doing?"
"To the best of my knowledge, I am no longer consorting with criminals."
Miranda winked. "Good, let that be my job."
"You know, having punched one and, well, fought off another one, I have no problem dealing with someone if you need help."
Miranda bit her lip. "It’s not that simple."
"You don’t say," Emily said drily. She looked at her watch. "Alright, I’ve got to drop off this last bit for Professor Hazlett."
"And then you’re done?"
Emily let those words roll around in her head. "I’m done," she said. She smiled. "Done."
Miranda squeezed her hand. "Congratulations! So what’s next? And don’t start with your vague ‘travel’ answer. The smartest person I know isn’t allowed to leave without a plan."
Emily forced herself to smile. "Give me a call when you’re done with class, okay?" She waved, walked out and stopped smiling.
~~~
Mitch had texted her five days straight. He was sorry. He was a jealous bastard. He didn’t mean a word he’d said. He needed to see her. He’d never stopped thinking of her. And then something about The Prisoner she didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. She wasn’t going to answer.
Professor Hazlett gratefully accepted Emily’s notes. "What are your summer plans?"
"The beach," Emily said, pointing her finger with conviction. "I think I should work on this ‘tan’ thing I keep hearing about."
Professor Hazlett narrowed her eyes. "And how long do you think you’ll last through that?"
"A weekend?"
The older woman chuckled. "I’d say one day. Call me when you’re bored. I’ve got plenty of work for you."
"Really? I thought it was only-"
"Sadly, work doesn’t follow academic schedules, and one of the nice things I can say about the funding is that it recognizes that. So as soon as you’re ready, your job is waiting." She patted Emily’s shoulder. "Now go have some fun."
Emily left the building in a daze. Done. Job. The words kept echoing in her head, so loudly that she didn’t hear someone calling her name at first.
"Huh?" she turned around to see Mitch running toward her. She stopped for a second before running down the street in the opposite direction.
He caught up to her right before she could enter the Student Center. "Jesus!" he panted. "So you’re never going to talk to me again?"
Done. "Was there something you didn’t cover last time? I think I’ve said it all, but if you have something you need to get off your chest, you go right ahead. Especially if you want to get more specific about your ex."
His face whitened. "I am so sorry for everything I said at lunch. Zainab told me everything, in between telling me off."
Emily’s mouth hung open. "Oh my God, you talked to Zainab? Did you tell her your brilliant theory that Richard and I are having a thing behind her back?"
"No! I already knew I was off-base with that. She called me because she was pissed at me for upsetting you on an already bad day."
"Whatever." Emily shook her head. "You just couldn’t trust me. I guess that makes us even."
He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, stopped, then started again. "You had a good reason, and I didn’t. I’m asking- I’m begging- for one more chance."
"Do you know the definition of insanity?"
"I think you mean the one about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I'm thinking there has to be one about someone who keeps getting in his own way." He looked up at the sky, then back at her. "I met you a while ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about you since then. But we’re standing here right now and you're not with me. And that's my fault, and you have to believe me that I would change everything I did after that night on the bench to make it different."
"I don’t believe you. And even if I did it wouldn’t matter." She was going to say the rest of it now because it didn’t matter anymore. "Nothing that happened this year was your fault, but not being teased and dumped might have made everything else a little better. I sort of hate you when I think about it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to think of Ireland again without getting mad. I don’t need someone else to make me feel bad about myself, okay? That’s a lousy thing to say, but it’s the truth, and maybe that’s why everything gets screwed up between us. Maybe we had our chance, and we don’t get another one." His green eyes looked a little blue. That made them more beautiful. "And another thing. I don’t know what you did while you were away, but you’re really hot now. I lust after you. But it’s not the same. Now you’re just another beautiful thing I can’t have, like new clothes or books for class. And I sort of hate you even more for that. I’m used to not having things. But you should stop waving yourself in my face."
He didn’t speak at first. "I hated myself," he finally said, "more than you can imagine. I puked my guts out the night I should have been with you. I went looking for you even when I wouldn’t admit I was looking for you. But I never found you. I didn’t want to sacrifice Ireland, I couldn’t think of why someone like you would wait for me. You were just nineteen and how could you not meet someone while I was gone? No, that's wrong. I didn't think I'd be able to leave you if I saw you again, and that stupid voice in my head kept reminding me that I needed to. So it was easier not to call you,
because then you’d hate me and the choice was out of my hands. I did it for good reasons, but I knew I was wrong. I didn’t feel like a real person, and that’s why I stayed with Kyra, even though she treated me like I was an idiot. I didn’t care, and that’s the God’s honest truth. I almost called you once- Miranda must have told you. And I would have, but I didn’t know what I could have said that wouldn’t have made me sound like a fool. I guess I still don’t. Em, I’m not as stupid as I look or act. I get it. Seeing you with Richard, even thinking of you with that creep- I get what it must be like for you to think about me with her. All I can say is that I’m sorry and I want to make it up to you. I don’t know how, but I’ll do anything. And please don’t hate Ireland, because it’s beautiful. You should see it sometime- with me. I don’t ever want to go that far away without you again."
She nodded and looked away. "I had my own Ireland. It was graduating. It was my reward for doing everything the way I was supposed to, for finally being good enough." She was tired. "Want to hear a joke? It’s very funny. What happened to the girl who wanted to do everything right? She screwed up anyway, and if she didn’t, she found something or someone to do it for her." She opened her hands. "How come you’re not laughing?"
"Because it isn’t funny. What were you doing? Zainab must have been confused. You and Richard weren’t really hiding drugs in his house. Right?"
"No, we were," Emily nodded. "I mean, they were prescription drugs-"
Mitch shuddered. "Still not funny. What were you thinking?"
Emily flopped her hands. "I wasn’t at first, but after I started talking I was thinking that they weren’t smart enough to do anything but run. I think I always knew it was garbage, but as long as they were scared... It was my imaginary leverage." She fought back tears. "And now it’s gone. If they come back, I’ve got nothing. And neither does Zainab."
"Yes, you do. You have me."
"Gee, that’s sweet, but-"
"Okay, that isn’t what I meant. I will take Joe to the police myself if he comes anywhere near Zainab."
"And get him charged with what? Being a moron? What are you going to do, bring videos of his speeches as evidence?"
The Smartest Girl in the Room Page 25