I just don’t know how.
It’s after six when I come into the kitchen from the garage and the sound of little feet slapping the hardwood floor greets me as Lily Blake rounds the opposite entryway from the den.
I smile when I hear me little Lily Blake squeal just as the sitter laughs, telling her, “Lily, you better get back over here and eat your green beans.”
“I don’t wannit. I don’t wannit. I don’t wannit, Miss Jenny lady!” Her head is turned as she yells over her shoulder, so when I snatch her up and toss her little bum in the air, it scares her and she yells.
“Green beans are the best, lassie. I told ya a hundred times. Eat your veggies before your meat. Goodness, little one.” I growl at her before setting her back on her feet and look up at Jenny, her sitter. “How was she today? Is the new allergy medicine helping her allergies?” She’s a tidy woman if there ever was. She’s of some Irish decent and one of me mum’s friend’s daughter’s who happens to be here for her Masters in childcare at the university.
She’s beautiful, there’s no denying that. And I’m not sure if it’s the role of Lily Blake’s mum she’s trying to star cast in, or me old lady, but I’m not buying. I’ll tell ya that much.
Jenny O’Malley may be the most beautiful Irish girl on this side of the pond, but she’d never hold a candle to me Ivy. I liked me little American girl. A bloody firecracker, that’s what she is.
Jenny bats her eyelashes and chuckles as she waves her hand. Then chews on her lower lip, eyeing mine before she speaks, “She’s a feisty one. I bet she keeps you on your toes.”
It could be me imagination, but I swear no one needs to bend down that low, just to load the dishwasher.
“Ay. Constantly on me toes. Hey.” I turn around and face Lily Blake, pin her eyes with mine, and sternly point towards the living room. “Bath.” I mouth at her before turning back around and speaking to Jenny, “No, no. Oh no ya don’t,” I probably should have stopped me hand before it actually touches her arm, but bloody hell, I just want her to leave me house. “It’s okay, las, your job here is done. Did you bring your books today? I’ll carry that heavy bag for ya to the car if ya need me to.” I head into the den and thank Christ under me breath that me daughter only half listens. It seems the cast of Team Umizoomi has captured her attention in the middle of heading towards the bathroom. I’m thankful for me daughter more and more with every day that passes in her life. But it’s moments like these that are golden. Her singing presence as she bounces from one sofa cushion to the next, belting out the names of a lad named Geo and another named Bot that derails Jenny from her usual overtness. There’s only so much hair twiddling and lip chewing a man can take before he envisions wrapping his fist in those same said red locks and tossing a woman out on her skinny arse.
As soon as I spot Jenny’s backpack next to the front door, I whistle at Lily, “Lassie, come here.” I scoop up the backpack just as Lily gets to me.
“What, Daddy?” She pulls on the hem of me shirt from behind me.
Without missing a beat, I squat down and tell her over me shoulder, “Hop on me back, I’ll give ya a piggyback ride.” After she locks her hands around me neck, I stand up and hand Jenny her backpack and head in the direction of the door.
After Lily Blake and I have, unbeknownst to her, covertly dodged ourselves out of an hour of awkwardness with her sitter and she’s bathed, I juggle the hair dryer and her hot pink hair brush as we blow-dry her inky black ringlets straight because the other girls in her class do it. She begins doing what little ones sometimes do, poking too close to shit that’s usually best left alone.
“Daddy, why does that Miss Jenny lady blink so much when she talks to you?” me daughter asks.
I keep me eye on the distance between where me hand is holding the hair dryer and her little head, “Ay. Can’t say, Lily love. Don’t know.”
Once her hair is, for the most part dry, I turn the hair dryer off and she slowly turns around. After a pause, she looks up at me from under her long eyelashes and whispers, “I don’t want her as me mum, Daddy. She doesn’t use salt when she cooks.” Her cute little face screws silly and she puckers her lips.
I laugh, “No, no. We can’t have a mum who isn’t using salt.” I tie the pink pony tail at the nape of her neck. “Mums aren’t something you can really pick out, either, Lily Blake. You have what you have, and you have is what you’re born with. But you’re also born with luck. And that luck is what you make it. And you make it as you grow up.”
I don’t even know what me mouth is saying. The shits just popping up in me head and I’m spitting it out.
Bloody hell.
“But what if you can’t find your mum? What if you want to pick her out, but you don’t know. Or do you think I’ll just know?”
After I turn on her bedside lamp, I kiss her forehead. I don’t answer her question until I’m at her bedroom door and I’ve turned off her light. As I stand facing away from me sad daughter’s eyes, I shove the words out as fast as I can, “Ay. Lily Blake, if I had to guess, love, I’d say you’ll just know.” I tilt me head to the side and pause then speak, “I’m sorry, me Lily love, I try.” I have to swallow a few times to get the words out, “I know I may not be much, but I promise, I won’t always be the only thing you ever have. I’ve found your mum, Lily. And I promise, one day soon, I want you to meet her.” Master of the art of Vagueness. “I just, she needs a little of me help, and a bit more time. You remember that lesson last week in bible school about patience?” She nods, “I’m going to need you to show me your best patience, me Lily love. Can I ask ya for that?”
“I can be patient, Daddy. I will get straight S’s for Satisfactory on my report card, remember to always feed my fish, and brush my teeth twice a day plus be placent. All. Year. Long. You will see.”
I can’t help me chuckle from coming out, “Okay, me Lily. I will see. Goodnight, love.”
I toss and turn until after midnight as hundreds of questions follow one answer in my head.
I don’t want to have that conversation with my daughter ever again. I don’t want my daughter to grow up not knowing the only other person on this earth I’ll ever love as much as I love her. I don’t want her to grow up not knowing her mother. Her bloody carbon copy. I want me whole family together. I want me Ivy back.
But no matter how it cuts, it bleeds the same. I need me Ivy. And me Lily. I need me girls, both, under me one roof.
I know Ivy is the key. How could I bloody not?
Bloody hell. Just fuck it.
No, pay no bloody attention to the net, it isn’t how it looks, I swear I’m not out to catch me anything.
I don’t even have to really pay attention, me thumbs just sweep across the phone and spell out exactly, precisely what I want to say in a text:
Me Ivy, love. I know, I know, we had lunch today. But, like always, your beauty and your wit left me stumbling for me words and to be honest, well, the entire lunch went off the rails. The entire bloody thing. Ivy love, I didn’t even get to the point. You know I have a hard time getting to me point sometimes. I’m rattling. Shit! Bloody hell, I’m babbling again, okay, what I’m trying to ask is, I wantcha to have dinner with me tomorrow. Now, I know it’s a Friday, and we usually keep our lunches in the broad day of light and during the week day, but there’s a new little steak house on the east side of town…Ivy, have dinner with me. Please. I wantcha to have dinner with me.
At five-thirty-three the next morning she replied:
Ryker, I’d love to have dinner with you. Let me know when and where. Xoxo
Chapter 23
Ryker
I’m a bloody mess by the time Jenny shows up on Friday, a bloody fucking mess. I can’t pick out what tie to wear. I know me Ivy likes me in black, but a black tie with a black shirt and black slacks seems a bit much to me.
After thirty minutes, I toss the bloody thing on me bed, grab me wallet and keys and head into the den where Jenny and Lily Blake are whistling at
me as I shove me things into me pockets.
“Daddy, you look so handsome on your date!” Me sweet little Lily squeals like a goof.
I nod as I notice Jenny went a little low with the buttons of her top this evening as well as a little short with the skirt. Holy moly, I wish she’d stop.
“Well thank ya, me Lily love. Let’s hope I still have the charm I used to, and maybe I’ll do okay. Ay?” I chuckle on my way towards the front door.
As I adjust me cufflinks, I turn around and tell me little princess before heading off, “I let ya stay up and see me off, now it’s past nine o’clock and it’s time for bath and bed. In that order, am I understood?”
She nods a little too eagerly, “Yes, sirio, Daddio. Bath. Then Bed.” She salutes me.
“Ay.” I tell her. Before I close the door, I make sure Jenny has my number and wish them both a goodnight.
At the exact moment I see Ivy a little piece of me dies at the same time a little piece of me is brought back to life.
She’s the complete embodiment of stunning and breathtaking beauty.
Her red satin pin-up style dress alone makes me bloody mouth water, and don’t even get me started on the nude fuck-me heels. Ya know, there’s just something about you women and your legs when you flaunt around wearing those bloody heels you wear and you bloody well know it.
Her dark hair barely brushes the top of her shoulders when she glances down as I spot her in the bar off to the side of Mazzio’s. She quickly accepts a drink of sparkling water from the bartender before playing off the fact that she’s blushing again, for the second day in a row when she sees me staring at her.
I speak to the host, notifying him of our arrival before making me way to Ivy in the bar.
I have a plan for this evening, much like I do every time I have a planned encounter with Ivy, and this encounter is no different. What is different is my mind set prior.
You see, I’ve decided to go into this one, without holding back.
After some long and hard consideration on me ride to the restaurant, I figured why the hell not? Get the shit out of the way, get whatever it is I have in me system out, then finish our encounter on track. I just have to maintain me withering control for a short time, instead of racking me brain against the wall trying the entire time.
It’s gotta be more productive, and I’m at me wits end here. I need progress.
Hell, we need progress.
When I’m close enough to touch her, I brush me fingertips down the side of her arm without thought, and when I see goose bumps raise on her pale skin I smile.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Ivy love. You take me bloody breath away even now.” I growl into her ear before nipping at it. “Our table’s ready, shall we?”
I link her arm in the crook of mine and nod towards the Maitr’d. As we make our way in his wake of the parting crowd a few steps behind, she attempts small talk. “You don’t look so bad, yourself. You have always cleaned up nice. You can get dirtier faster than any man I’ve ever seen, but damn do you clean up well,” she chuckles as we take our seats.
After ordering us more sparkling water, I give in and scoot over to her side of the booth, putting us both with our backs to the room.
Without picking up the menu, I lean back in my seat, but not before wrapping me arm around her.
“You looked a wee bit chilly over here all by yourself.” I lie. She looks just as stunning as ever. “If you mind, though, I’ll carry me arse right back—“ I point in the direction of my seat, and she puts her tiny hand on my arm.
“No, it’s okay.” After rubbing the outside of her arms she smiles at me and sets her hand back on mine. “I am a little cold. Thank you.”
She’s giving in. I never thought I’d really see it, but right there in front of me eyes, Winter Ivy gives in…just a little.
But it’s enough. “Ay, thank you, Ivy love.” I return her smile.
We’ve ordered and I’ve done well to keep me hands to me self. Other than continuously running my fingertips up and down the outside of her arm, me other is wrapped around her and I’ve been a bloody eagle scout. Me scout’s honor, however, takes the path more frequently traveled not long after the waiter leaves our table with the menus.
I don’t think. I just do. Whatever the bloody hell me body wants to, I do.
Without questioning me self or interrupting me other hand from trailing up and down her dainty arm, I lean into her, placing me other hand on the top of her thigh.
When me lips brush her outer ear, I shove her thigh a bit, opening them just enough to slide me hand up her skirt and growl against her ear, “Do you have any idea how bloody bad I want you right fucking now, Ivy? It’s taken everything in me not to drag you out of here and fuck you to bloody hell and back.”
“Dammit, Ryker. Why do you make this so difficult?!” It isn’t said as a question, she says it as a statement. Like it’s just how it is. When me finger brushes her bare pussy and I feel how wet she is, I groan as me cock leaks pre-cum in me black slacks and thank the Lord the woman likes me in black on black.
“I don’t think I have it in me to last, me Ivy.” I bite down into the flesh behind her ear before licking and kissing it.
Yes, I’m aware I’m administering a bloody hickey, but I don’t give a fuck.
All the vital lines I’m crossing right now, she’s lucky the only urge I’m giving into is bloody marking her.
She should count her lucky stars and be glad I don’t have her little ass bent over this table fucking her right into kingdom come from behind.
As I sink my finger deep inside her, I shudder when I feel how wet she is. “God, I love your eager little cunt, Ivy. So bloody wet.” I slide a second finger inside, and when I feel her rocking against the heel of my hand, I grab one of her hands and place it on me crotch. “I need ya to keep fucking me hand, Ivy. I don’t want you to stop, and you’re not to lose your rhythm. Not one time. When you get me cock pulled out and you set the pace, stroking my cock in rhythm with your pussy fucking my fingers, I’ll tell you what I want you to do next. Do I make me self clear, Ivy?”
Her breath quickens as she licks her dry lips, but she nods.
Good girl.
All it takes, is a few scrapes of me blunt middle fingernail and her wet pussy clamps down around my hand at the same time my other hand clamps down over her mouth. She fumbles my cock before ignoring it completely as her own nails score across the taut skin covering my abdomen.
“Ay. Good girl, Ivy,” I spit out around clenched teeth.
With me hand raised to the sky, I swear to Christ there was a reason to this dinner, but for the life of me, I can’t recall what it was.
I can’t recall a bloody thing, me cock is so swollen he aches. I don’t know what any one expects from a lad like me…after witnessing Ivy come to bloody life in me arms the way she did.
I’ll tell ya what I need and that’s a double scotch, neat.
But I keep me mouth closed as I slip me fingers from Ivy as the waiter serves us our plates.
I grasp for the right words as I discreetly tuck me self away, and after coming up short with anything remotely intelligent to say, I lay me linen napkin in me lap and slowly start. “Ivy, I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. I tried to have a relationship with a few other women after you left me, and even that was at least a year after I had validation that you were indeed okay and living in Seattle. But, if I’m being completely honest, I knew immediately there was no one but you. I’ve never met any other girl like you, Ivy love, and every one I’ve met after ya, just proves it a little more.”
I smile.
I pause.
I breathe.
After a few moments of silence she speaks, “Every time, you say you have something you want to tell me. We meet, but you always say the same thing. Ryker, why don’t you say the one thing that scares the living shit out of you? Maybe then we’ll get somewhere.”
Her tone is calm and her words are to the poin
t.
And like always, I do exactly what Ivy says to, even though I know neither of us are ready, I tell the woman I love, “Ivy love, I have our daughter. I’ve had our daughter. With me mum’s help and some luck at the adoption agency, I was able to get custody of her. Ay, you asked yesterday if she was five, she is. That means she’s old enough to know she has a mum. And she wants to know where she is.”
Chapter 24
Ryker
As I watch me Ivy process the words, I think of her at me Lily’s age,and I wonder if she’d already been hurt too many times by life at five. But when I remember where me Ivy was at just five years older than Lily, huddled up in a fort and left in a dirty mess on the floor, I doubt she had any light in her eyes when she was Lily’s age.
I’m surprised how relieved I am when I say the words that have been plaguing me day, noon, and night since me daughter was born. I’ve felt so guilty.
And after Ivy left me, in the span of time when I still thought she was just gone, safe, but gone, it was that guilt that kept me from chasing after her and begging her to give me another chance. Then, when I found out it’d been her on I-10 in the car that’d wrecked, that it’d been her who was air-lifted away? Oh that was an entirely different story.
I packed up me and Lily’s shit, then put me new little baby on me bike and drove. Okay, we only drove to the airport, not all the way to Seattle, but still, I went to get me girl.
I stood there at the foot of Ivy’s hospital bed until me feet started to ache with our sleeping baby girl in me arms.
I just wanted her to wake up. Even if it was just for a second, I just needed her to wake up.
After two hours, me Lily Blake started fussing. It was close to feeding time. I was going to come back the next morning. To be completely honest with you, I was going to go tell the nurses the patient in room thirteen was me wife, I was there with our child, and to add me to the contact list. I was going to tell them anything I could to sound important.
Instead, I met Roman William Payne. And in doing so, I met the reason me Ivy will probably never be sane.
Where the Ivy Hides Page 15