“Fine. I’ll leave, but we need to talk and soon,” he said, shooting Cody a dirty look.
Susan closed the door and leaned against it, trying to get her heart rate back down to normal. She looked at Cody, who was grinning from ear to ear.
“What?” she said.
“That man is in love with you. It took everything he had to leave here, knowing you were sitting around in your pajamas with another man,” he told her.
“Or he was just afraid that you were going to kick his ass down the stairs,” she said.
“You keep telling yourself that, but you’re wrong. Look, I know that what he did is pretty screwed up, but people don’t always go about things the right way. I’m not saying you should just forgive him without a second thought, but maybe it’s worth listening to his side of the story. You might learn something that makes all the difference,” he told her.
“I don’t know about that. The more I think about him just seeing me as a reminder of her…I mean, how can I ever compete with the memory of a dead woman?” she asked.
“Perhaps you aren’t competing, and you don’t even realize it. Put yourself in his shoes. His fiancée dies after a long, drawn-out illness. His curiosity leads him to seek out the person who has what is left of her, and he can’t help himself. He watches from afar, not meaning any harm. It’s maybe just his way of healing.”
Susan shrugged. “I think you give him way too much credit.”
“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. One day he crosses the line and interacts with you. You strike up a conversation, and it leads to more conversation. Pretty soon, his pain for her begins to subside, and he finds a new interest in you. It might have started because of the transplant, but that doesn’t mean that is all there is to it,” he told her.
Susan looked at him. He was right, she knew. It was just so hard to let go of her anger at feeling betrayed, but how long could she walk around just feeling angry about things? At some point, she had to let it go. Either she worked this out with Paul, or she spent forever wondering what they might have been if she had given him a chance to explain.
“Well, now isn’t a good time, anyway. I have a very sexy man here in my apartment in his pajamas, and I can’t be bothered to reconcile with old flames today,” she said with a laugh.
“That’s right. You’re still mine for a couple more days, and I’m still yours. Let’s have some more wine and find a movie. These old sitcoms are beginning to get boring,” he told her.
“Sounds good to me,” she replied, grabbing the last bottle of wine and plopping down on the couch beside him. They watched a sappy remake of an old French movie which only reminded her of her trip to Paris with Paul, but Cody seemed to be enjoying it, and she didn’t want to be a pain. Instead, she sat there, drinking her wine and remembering the way they had made love in their fancy suite. It had seemed so magical then.
“Susan? Susan!” Cody laughed a little as she jumped and made eye contact. “I said I am going to head to bed. You were zoned out over there. Did you even see any of the movie?”
“I…I’m sorry. I guess I was lost in thought and missed most of it. Forgive me?” she asked. She realized that her words were a bit slurred and that she was going to have one helluva hangover tomorrow to deal with at the shop.
“Yes, I forgive you. I’ll see you at the shop around nine, and we’ll duck out for a quick trip down to the gazebo I found so you can check it out. Okay?” he said.
“Yes. See you in the morning,” she told him. He kissed her on the forehead and disappeared into her bedroom.
Susan settled down into the couch and tried to sleep. She had thought the alcohol would have done the trick, but it seemed to have left her in a state of half wakefulness in which she couldn’t stay asleep, and when she did drift off, she had horrifying dreams about the night she had lost her sight. They all ended with Paul standing over her at the hospital or at the crash site. She wasn’t sure what it meant, as she always startled awake and looked around wildly to regain her bearings.
By the time morning rolled around, she felt exhausted, but she dragged herself out of the bed and made her way to the coffee shop anyway. She had given Cody her spare key so he could come and go as he needed to and knew he would be by later when he got out of bed. It really was nice having him here, but she couldn’t keep up with him when it came to holding her liquor.
Chapter 19
The day seemed to drag by until Cody came in wearing dark sunglasses and grinning. She instantly felt better just knowing she was going to get out of here for a few minutes. She told the staff that she would be back in an hour or two and to call her if there were any problems. They all eyed Cody just like they had the first time he had stepped into the coffee shop a couple of days before. She knew they were curious about the tall, broad shouldered stranger that seemed to be staying with her, but none of them would ask.
“Where are we going?” she asked him as she made herself a cup of chai to go. “Do you want anything?”
“Yes, a double espresso mocha latte,” he told her, then continued to discuss plans for the wedding. “We’re going to look at the Ladies Pavilion in Central Park. It’s simple and available on short notice due to a cancellation. I just want to put an eye on it, and then I have to go take care of some other last-minute details, and we’re all set for a quickie wedding that will knock your socks off!”
“All right, let’s get this show on the road then, you gorgeous hunk of man,” she told him, handing him his latte and grabbing her bag and chai before coming around the counter. “Be back in a while, she called behind her, not noticing the surprised looks on all the faces that had been within earshot.
“It’s gorgeous. I love the old wrought iron. I’ve never really even paid any attention to this thing before,” she told him.
“I think so, too. It will be great. I had thought about stringing up a few ribbons and pearls, but I decided that I don’t want this to look like two flamboyant queens getting married. Ben and I are both pretty masculine, I think. Our wedding should be a man’s man sort of affair,” he said, sending Susan into a fit of laughter.
“A man’s man affair? Yeah, I think that pretty much covers it,” she said after she regained control of herself.
“Oh, that didn’t come out right at all, did it?” he said with a chuckle. He pulled her to him and hugged her tight. “I love you, Susan. I am so glad that you stumbled on me naked in the bathroom.”
“I love you, too, Cody, but I prefer it when you keep your clothes on,” she told him as she pulled away and scrunched her nose up at him.
“Yeah, whatever. You know that if I hadn’t turned out to be gay, you would have been all over me,” he said with a laugh.
“I’m going to let you think that if it makes you feel better,” she told him. “Alright, I’m going to get back to the coffee shop. I’ll see you at home. Enjoy yourself, and don’t eat too many vendor meals. You’ll be too full for our celebration dinner when Ben gets here tonight,” she told him.
“Yes, Mom,” he groaned, then smiled and slapped her on the backside as she headed in the opposite direction.
“There was a man in here looking for you,” Della told her. Della was one of her newest employees, an NYU student who worked here between classes.
“Did he leave his name?” Susan asked, though she was certain it was Paul.
“No. We told him you had gone to check on a place for your wedding, and he turned around and left,” she told her.
“Oh, God. No. What did the man look like?” Susan asked. Della described him, and it was no doubt Paul. “Why on Earth would you tell him that I was looking for a place for my wedding?”
“We overheard your conversation with the man that has been staying with you. You were talking about your quickie wedding. Are you pregnant?” Della asked earnestly.
“For cripes sake! No, I’m not pregnant. I’m not even getting married. He’s getting married, and I’m just the bridesmaid-slash-witness
!” she told her. Having Paul think she was seeing someone else was one thing, but this was something else.
“I’m sorry. We didn’t know,” Della said, looking frightened. Susan wanted to tell her it was okay, but she was too upset.
“If you don’t know something you shouldn’t go around spreading rumors!” Susan hissed at her before storming into her office where she sat sulking in front of her computer. She debated what to do. She could call him and tell him it was a misunderstanding, but then he would know it mattered to her what he thought. So far, she had the upper hand, and she wanted to keep it that way. He’s the one that needed to apologize. In the end, she decided to just let it ride. Maybe thinking she was getting married was the kick in the pants he needed. If it wasn’t, then there had never really been anything there for them.
Chapter 20
She had a lovely evening out on the town with Ben and Cody that night. It was wonderful to see how relaxed Cody was in displaying his affection for Ben in this environment, and though it was the first time she had met Ben, she could certainly see what Cody saw in him. They did seem to be meant for one another. It must be nice to be so sure about something. So sure that you were willing to risk everything to be together in the way you feel you were meant to be.
It was another late night, but while Benn and Cody stayed up celebrating, she backed off after a celebratory glass of champagne and started rehydrating with some water. When they all finally crashed, sleep came quickly after last night’s tossing and turning. She was grateful. Her dad was taking the shop for a couple of days while she was in the wedding and regained her bearings a bit after the way she blew up at Della.
Morning was busy with the guys trying to get their ties and cummerbunds in place, and her trying to get ready with two men to trip over in her tiny pad, but somehow, they managed to catch the car service she had called to take them to Central Park in time. Though it was within walking distance, she didn’t want them to get all mussed up before they arrived and had pre-arranged the vehicle as a surprise. It was amusing watching two otherwise masculine men get all jittery and nervous as they rode hand in hand to the park.
The officiant was already there when they arrived. She was an older woman licensed as a celebrant and a lesbian who had married her partner of forty years not long after the laws had changed. She gave Susan a small vile for after the ceremony, and they wasted no time in getting started. Susan was surprised to learn that the two men had written their own vows and was moved by the words they had chosen for one another. When it was over, she blew bubbles from the small vial the official had given her over their heads as they exited the gazebo, husband and…husband, she guessed. Whatever they were, it was sweet, and she was happy for them.
“Okay, let’s all get back to Susan’s place for a quick sip of champagne and a slice of miniature wedding cake, and then we’ve got to get our stuff and book it to the airport for Miami!” Cody said gleefully, followed by a loud cheer. The car service was waiting to take them back per the schedule Susan had given him, and they rode quietly back to Susan’s place, all smiling happily.
Less than an hour later, she had seen them off at the curb as they climbed into a cab to begin their new life together.
“Don’t forget to call me when you get back home and let me know how all the other stuff went,” she told Cody.
“I think you are more nervous about it than I am, beautiful. We’ll be fine.”
Then they were gone, leaving her there to realize how alone she felt. She returned to the kitchen to face the leftover bottle of champagne and half-eaten cake they had shared during their tiny reception. Cody and Ben wanted to have a larger one at home later in their new farm house, but it would be a while as they had a lot of work to do. Susan suspected that not all that hard work would be on just getting the farm up to acceptable standards. They were going to have to win over a lot of folks that weren’t used to progressive thinking.
Right now, all Susan wanted to do was sleep. She felt exhausted. Though she had slept well enough last night, she could have used a few more hours. Climbing onto the couch, she fell asleep right away. When she woke up, the sun was setting outside, and she decided to shower, change, and go out for a quiet meal someplace. She ended up at a little bistro that she and Paul used to sometimes come to, and melancholy washed over her. She missed him so much and wanted him by her side.
She sat contemplating why he had done what he had done. It made no sense that he would just let her walk away as he had if she meant anything at all to him, but that is what he had done. He could claim he had tried, but he really hadn’t. He knew where she worked, he knew where she lived, and he was only a few more blocks away. He had her phone number and ample opportunity to use it. So, he had tried to call while out of the country? When had he tried to call before or after that? It seemed half-hearted, at best.
Her mind drifted back to the nights they had spent in each other’s arms. He had seemed so happy with her – not with some memory she elicited, but her. Was it possible that he had convinced even himself that he had true feelings for her, and that her calling him out on it had made him realize the he was wrong? She just couldn’t understand any of this. All she really knew was that it had seemed real, and she loved him.
Not ready to go home and stare at the walls for the rest of the night, she decided to go to a nearby theater and catch a movie, preferably something to make her laugh. She found just the thing and tried to lose herself in it, putting all the terrible things behind her and drowning her sorrows in a bag of popcorn and a large soda. It seemed to work for a while, but the moment the movie was over, she found herself right back in the middle of thoughts about Paul and how much she missed him.
She spent some time at home doing some housework, cleaning up and doing laundry until she felt a bit more tired. She pulled her freshly laundered sheets directly from the dryer and put them on the bed, climbing between them and sinking down into the soft, warm Egyptian cotton.
What is Paul doing? she wondered. Is he thinking about me, or has he written me off? She wondered what he had come to the shop for and why he hadn’t tried to intervene when he thought she was about to marry some relative stranger. She really must not have meant much to him, after all.
After the long nap and with all that was on her mind, sleep was a long time coming. When she finally did drift off, she found herself once again in the throes of dreams about Paul, but this time, they were of the good times. She was in his arms, kissing him. He held her in that way of his that made her feel like she was the only woman in the world and he was the only man. She had considered herself safe with him and the bit of that trust he had instilled in her flowed through her now as she dreamed of being with him again.
Her dream changed, finding them in Paris where they had spent night after night just making love lazily after touring the city. It seemed so real that she could almost feel him inside of her and her body shifted beneath the covers. Even in her sleep, she ached for his touch. He came to her once again, making love to her beneath the stars and in exotic places. Her visions of him shifted from one thing to the next, but they always revolved around how beautiful it was just to be with him.
Chapter 21
Susan awoke with him still on her mind and determined to shake it off. She called her mother and asked if she wanted to go out for brunch and to get some shopping in while her father was watching he shop. Over their meal, she told her all about Cody and Ben, laughing at the shocked look on her face.
“I had no idea. I wonder if Tank knows?” she asked.
“He will soon enough. Everyone will,” Susan told her.
“Well, I hope they do well together. He seems like a sweet kid. I have to admit that I thought he might be just the ticket to take your mind off other things, but I guess I was way off base on that one!” The two of them laughed and moved on to the latest hobby her father had taken up, which was golf.
“Golf? Dad has never played a day of golf in his whole life!” Susan
exclaimed.
“I know, but he’s decided that all of his friends go out golfing now that they are retired and he should be able to go with them. He’s bought golf clubs, a bag, gloves, joined the country club, the whole shebang. You should see the goofy outfits he has picked out. Ridiculous!” her mother laughed.
“Gotta love him, Mom. As goofy as he is, he’s a wonderful man. You’re lucky,” Susan told her.
“Oh, honey. Don’t worry. There will be other men. My mother once told me that if you had to beg them to stay, you should be glad they were leaving. I think it suits your situation with your fellow nicely. He is really messed up in the head, I’d say, and there is a reason he’s backed away. Just let him go and move on. You’ve already missed out on so much, and I don’t want you to miss out on another moment that you could be having fun.”
“I know, Mom. It’s just so hard. We seemed to be so happy together, and if I hadn’t found out about her, about how he had found me, we probably would be. I wonder if I had just not walked into that study that day, would we still be okay? Would he still be keeping the truth from me, or would he have found some way to come clean about it? It just would have been so much better if he had told me himself instead of the way it happened,” Susan told her.
“Things don’t always go the way we expect them to, hon. The bottom line is that you know now, and can you accept it? If you can, then maybe you should stop being stubborn and make the first move. Pride has no place in love. If you want this man, you must do what he can’t bring himself to. If he meets you halfway and can give you the answers you want, then there is no reason the two of you can’t work this out,” she told her.
“Maybe. I don’t know,” Susan said quietly.
“You never will if you both keep just sitting around, wondering what went wrong instead of trying to get together and fix it,” her mom said.
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