by Lisa Childs
But if she told him about the mishaps that had happened around the house, he might move. Would it matter, though, when she was probably going to lose the house anyway?
“There was a fire in the backyard, Mrs. G,” Cody said. “I was trying to find out who started it.”
The old woman snorted. “That stupid Mr. Stehouwer must have been sneaking smokes again. I’ve told him that he needs to make certain they’re out or he’s going to burn the whole house down.” She patted Serena’s arm. “Of course we would never let that happen, though.”
“No,” Cody said. “We certainly wouldn’t.”
We?
The word echoed mockingly inside Serena’s mind.
How could he say that when he had no intention of sticking around? He shouldn’t be making the older woman or Serena any promises that he wouldn’t be around to keep. He had warned her that he would break her heart. He might have been joking at the time, but that was one promise he could have made.
Serena was certain that one would come true.
18
CODY WAS FURIOUS with himself but mostly with Serena. She had no right to make him feel so much. On some level he had known moving into the boardinghouse was going to be a mistake. That was why he’d crashed at the firehouse as long as he had. But even he hadn’t realized how big a mistake it would be.
He’d had no idea that it was going to hurt this damn bad when he had to leave her.
Cody had punished his body with weights until sweat dripped off him onto the concrete floor of the workout room. But the physical exertion had given him no relief from the emotions gripping him. It hadn’t eased any of the pressure in his chest as he thought of what he had to do.
“What the hell’s wrong with you?” Braden asked him. “You look like you kicked your own ass in here.”
Cody pushed his sweat-slick hair back from his face and focused on his boss. “You’re the one who tells us to do daily workouts,” he reminded him.
“That was more than a workout,” Braden said as he dropped onto the bench next to him. “Are you worried you’re not getting the smoke jumper job? I told you it sounded like Mack really wants you.”
Cody’s hand shook slightly as he picked up his cell phone from the bench and slid it back into his pocket. Just a short while ago he had taken the call—the official offer for the position. He needed to tell Braden that he’d accepted it. But he felt like he owed it to Serena to tell her first. Not that she would be surprised.
He was. He hadn’t really believed he would get it—maybe because he’d wanted it so much and for so long. Just like—as a kid—he had wanted a family of his own. But he’d never gotten one of those. He’d learned to expect nothing out of life and avoid disappointment that way.
“I’ve got to tell you something,” he told his boss. Maybe he was just stalling now—buying himself some time before he talked to Serena.
Braden tilted his head. “You sound serious for once. What’s it about?”
“The guy,” Cody said, “the one living at the boardinghouse…”
Braden tensed. “Wendell Tremont. You think he’s the arsonist?”
Cody almost wished he was; then he wouldn’t feel bad about beating him up a few nights ago. No, given what he’d learned, he didn’t feel bad. Well, not for anyone but Braden. “He’s not the arsonist.”
“Are you absolutely sure?” Braden asked. “I’ve started checking him out. Tremont has been in town for a while. He showed up around the time that first fire started. It could be him.”
“He’s here because of you,” Cody told him.
“What?”
He hadn’t been able to pound the truth out of the guy. He’d shared a bottle of whiskey with Tremont and apologized for beating on him. Serena wasn’t the only one who talked too much when she’d been drinking.
“Your ex’s new husband doesn’t trust her any more than you should have,” he shared. “Tremont is a private detective hired to watch you—to make sure Amy hasn’t been sneaking around with you behind her husband’s back.”
He had expected Braden to be upset—either sad or outraged. He was surprised when the superintendent laughed instead. “That’s hilariously ironic.”
“Yes, it is,” Cody agreed. Then he laughed, too.
“The guy she cheated on me with now thinks she’s cheating on him with me.” Braden laughed harder. Maybe a little too hard.
But maybe this was what the superintendent needed to finally be able to move on.
Would Serena miss Cody like Braden had his wife?
“Go home and pack,” his boss told him.
Did he know that Cody had already accepted the position? Cody had told Mack McRooney he needed to work out his notice first. He’d thought the other man would have respected that. “W-why—” he stammered the question “—do you want me to pack?”
“We’ve been called up to relieve a team on the California fires.” He narrowed his eyes and studied Cody’s face. “I mentioned at the last meeting that we were going next time we got called up.”
Cody nodded. “Of course. I remember.”
But it felt like so much had happened since that meeting.
“I thought you’d be happy,” Braden said.
“I am.” This was good. He needed this last trip out with the team. But first he had to tell Serena goodbye.
*
SERENA FOUND HIM PACKING. This wasn’t throwing-just-a-few-things-in-a-duffel-bag packing. This was making-sure-he-had-everything-he-owned packing. Nothing was left on the table beside the bed, which he had also made up despite hardly ever having used it.
This was saying-goodbye packing.
But he hadn’t sought her out to say anything. He had slipped quietly into the house. Maybe he’d hoped to leave without telling her—like he had the day he’d crashed his truck into the tree.
“Where are you going?” she asked, surprised she could hear her voice over the sound of her pounding heart.
“California,” he replied without glancing up. He must have heard her walk into the room, but he had yet to really acknowledge her presence.
“I thought that the smoke jumper position was in Washington,” she said.
“It is.” He wouldn’t look at her. Instead he seemed focused on the clothes he was folding into the duffel bag lying on top of the red-and-navy blue bedspread. “I’ll be going there right after we leave California.”
Her heart stopped beating entirely for a moment—probably when it broke. “You got the job?”
He nodded.
She put aside her feelings and studied him. “Why aren’t you happy?”
“I am,” he said quickly—almost defensively.
He didn’t look happy. His handsome face was tense, grim even. There was no smile on his lips. No brightness in his green eyes. If he was happy, she might have been able to forgive him for leaving.
She would have been happy had she been able to figure out a way to keep her house—because that was what she truly wanted. This position wasn’t what Cody truly wanted. She realized that now.
“You don’t want this job,” she accused him.
“I applied for it two years ago,” he told her. “I wanted to be a smoke jumper more than I’ve wanted to be a Hotshot. Being a Hotshot was my only way to get the experience I needed.”
She focused on only the first part of what he’d told her. “That was two years ago,” she said. “So you don’t want it anymore.”
He shook his head—almost as if he was disappointed in her. “You don’t know what I want.”
But she did. “I know you better than anyone else ever has,” she said. “You told me that yourself.”
“Serena…”
“So I know what you’re doing,” she said. “You’re running!”
He smiled now, but it was really just a faint curving of his lips. “I’m working,” he said. “That’s what I do.”
A twinge struck her heart, and Serena sucked in a breath at the pain. H
er heart was definitely breaking.
Was this how her mother had felt when her father had abandoned her and their unborn children? Her father had been a coward; she saw now that Cody was, too.
“Run,” she told him. “That’s all you’re doing. You don’t care about that job anymore. You’re just scared that you care too much about your team and the people here in Northern Lakes. About me…”
His green eyes narrowed and grew hard with anger. “I have been honest with you from the very beginning,” he said.
She couldn’t deny that.
“I warned you that I’m not the man you’re looking for.”
“I should have listened to you,” she admitted. “I wish I had.” Fervently. Then she wouldn’t know what she was losing when he left.
“You’ll find that guy you really want,” he said. “Maybe you already have. Maybe it’s Gordon or Braden…”
He definitely didn’t love her if he could talk so casually of passing her off to another man. Why had she thought she loved him? Because how could love be real if it wasn’t reciprocated?
He ran his hand over his face, as if trying to block out the sight of her. “I’m sorry, Serena.”
She was, too—so sorry.
“I’ve gotta go—”
“—to California,” she said. “Then Washington. Will you ever come back to Northern Lakes?”
He shook his head. “No.”
She blinked back the tears stinging her eyes. “I thought I knew you,” she said. “I thought I understood you.”
“You’re a jerk!” The words hadn’t come from her mouth. It was Stanley who hurled them through the door Serena had left open. “I can’t believe you’re just taking off! Were you even going to say goodbye to me?”
Cody’s face flushed, and she wondered if he had planned to or if he’d just intended to slip out unnoticed. Maybe he really was a coward.
“Of course I was going to say goodbye,” he insisted.
Stanley’s breath escaped in a gasp—like Cody had punched him. “So it’s really goodbye then? You’re not coming back to Northern Lakes?”
Serena had been wrong about Cody. But these two shared a bond—growing up in foster homes—that she couldn’t fathom.
“I got the job in North Cascades,” Cody said.
Stanley’s voice quavered as he said, “The smoke jumper job…”
Cody nodded.
The kid’s eyes and nose grew red. His heart was breaking, too. Serena saw it in his face. Then he turned and ran from the room.
She moved to run after him, but Cody caught her arm, holding on to her. “Let me go!” she yelled. But even as she said it, she knew she was the one who had to let go.
19
CODY HATED THE FEELINGS of pain and regret coursing through him. He wanted to run after Serena and Stanley. He wanted to hurl his duffel bag out the window and tell them he wasn’t leaving. But even if he turned down the smoke jumper position, he couldn’t stay—not indefinitely. It wasn’t in his nature. They should know that, too.
He had already stayed too long if they’d begun to doubt that, if they’d begun to think differently. He shouldn’t have given them a false impression of him.
He stared out of his window into the backyard where Stanley kicked the pile of dirt Cody had used to put out the fire the other night. The cigarette had set a dead shrub on fire. Had it really been Mr. Stehouwer’s?
The eighty-seven-year-old didn’t remember going outside to smoke that night. But he was sometimes confused. And they had found a pack of cigarettes in his room—the same brand that had started the fire. It must have been an accident. The arsonist would have been bolder about his actions.
But then slicking down a bathtub and cutting a brake line hadn’t been especially bold. They’d been the sneaky actions of a coward.
He could tell Serena thought he was one. She had accused him of running. But she was wrong.
He’d wanted the more solitary life of a smoke jumper. While their teams could be as big as the Hotshots, they usually weren’t. He could parachute in with a small crew—just a couple other jumpers. Or he might get sent in alone.
That was good, though. That was the way he’d wanted it. No responsibility to anyone but himself. That way he couldn’t let down anyone—like Serena. And Stanley.
No. He had no reason to run.
*
SERENA REACHED OUT for Stanley, but the kid spun away from her as if he couldn’t stand to be touched. She had noticed that about him before—how he shied away from physical contact. Had he been abused?
Was that part of why Cody had been so protective of him? But he wasn’t protective enough to stick around to make sure no one else hurt the kid. No, he’d hurt him himself.
“Are you okay?” she asked the teenager.
He nodded, tousling his mop of already messy curls. “I’m okay.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, wiping away every trace of the tears he’d been crying when she’d found him. “Sorry I’m acting like such a baby.”
“You’re not.” She felt like crying, too. “I understand why you’re upset.”
He snorted derisively. “Because I’m a selfish jerk?”
“You’re not,” she said. And she reached for him again. He let her hand rest on his shoulder, let her squeeze it in reassurance.
“Yes, I am,” he insisted miserably. “It’s selfish to be mad. I should be happy for Cody. I should be congratulating him. It’s a huge deal to get the smoke jumper job. He wanted it even before he got kicked out of his last foster home, where we lived together. He had posters hanging up on his wall. I can still remember him rolling them up when he had to pack up and leave.”
She’d thought her heart was breaking before. She had had no idea. She’d also had no idea just how long Cody had wanted the job. She’d thought it was just for a couple of years. But it had been longer than that.
“But instead of being happy for him,” Stanley said, “all I can be is sad for myself—because I’m going to miss him.” He uttered a ragged sigh. “That’s selfish.”
Put that way it sounded incredibly selfish. But she had behaved worse than Stanley had. “I understand why you feel the way you do,” she said. “And it’s okay to be upset because you’re going to miss someone.”
He shook his head again. “You grew up here—in this great house,” he said. “So you don’t get it. You don’t know what it’s like leaving a foster house. It’s a good thing when someone leaves—it means they finally got a home.”
“But that’s not the case here,” she said. Cody was leaving his home.
“Getting that job,” Stanley said, “that’s like getting adopted to Cody. It’s like he’s finally getting his family.”
And she’d wanted to take that from him. She glanced up at the window of his room. But he wasn’t standing there. She could have sworn that she’d felt his gaze on them. But there wasn’t so much as a shadow moving about the room.
Maybe he had already left.
Since the crash, he’d been using one of the US Forest Service trucks, though, and she would have heard it pull out of the driveway if he’d driven off.
“Too bad we don’t have time to throw him a party,” Stanley said.
“Party?” a deep voice repeated. “You want to celebrate my leaving?”
“He wants to congratulate you,” Serena said, bracing herself to turn to Cody.
“Yeah,” Stanley said. “Sorry I was such a stupid jerk. I know this is what you want—that you’re really happy.”
But Cody didn’t look happy. He looked tense and sad—like she felt. Had she done that to him? Had she stolen his happiness with her selfishness?
She drew in a deep breath and said, “Congratulations.” But her voice quavered on the word. She fought back the tears threatening to overwhelm her. She had to be strong like Stanley.
She couldn’t hold Cody back from his dream.
“Yeah, congratulations,” Stanley said. And he grabbed Cody, wrap
ping his arms tightly around him. He held him for a long moment.
“I’ll be in touch,” Cody promised the kid, and for just a second he leaned his face against Stanley’s curls before pulling away. “I’ll make sure you’re taking care of Annie and attending all of your classes.”
Stanley nodded. “I will. I promise.”
It hurt too much to watch them say goodbye. So Serena hurried away—back into her office. But she hadn’t been inside long when she heard heavy boots hitting the steps of the porch. She’d just brushed away some tears when a dark shadow filled the small parlor.
“You ran away before I could give you this,” he said, and he put a check on her desk.
She blinked back more tears to focus on it. Ironic that she’d run away when that was what she had accused him of doing. Apparently she wasn’t just selfish; she was a hypocrite, too. “What’s this?” she asked, as she read the numbers on the check. “If it’s for Stanley’s rent, it’s way too much. I can’t take all of this. I have to put the house up for sale. It could sell quickly.”
“I doubt that,” he murmured. “I’m not sure who else would want to take care of a place this size.”
She flinched. But she couldn’t argue with him. It was a lot of work.
“Even if I don’t sell it right away, that’s still too much money for Stanley’s rent.” She tried to hand back the check.
But Cody shoved his hands into his pockets. “I tried to give it to your sister the other night. She wouldn’t take it from me.”
“What?” Emotion squeezed her already hurting heart. “So that was Courtney the other night—in the restaurant?” Here in Northern Lakes.
He nodded. “I did an online search and contacted her through a fashion blog she started,” he explained.
“But how did you get her to meet you?”
He shrugged. But she suspected she knew; Cody could be damn charming. “I told her I’d get her the money she wants.”
“That figures…” Serena had been hurt before, but now she was even more disappointed about her sister’s lawsuit.
He shook his head. “She wouldn’t take the check no matter how hard I tried to talk her into taking it.”
That was the reason their exchange had looked so intense. They had been arguing. Cody had fought for Serena.