COL. LANDA
Fräulein von Hammersmark, what has befallen Germany’s most elegant swan?
BRIDGET
Col. Landa, it’s been years. Dashing as ever, I see.
COL. LANDA
Flattery will get you everywhere, Fräulein.
They chuckle and air kiss.
COL. LANDA
So what’s happened to your lovely leg? A by-product of kicking ass in the German cinema, no doubt.
BRIDGET
Save your flattery, you old dog. I know too many of your former conquests to fall into that honeypot.
Chuckle… chuckle…
COL. LANDA
Seriously, what happened?
BRIDGET
Well, I tried my hand, foolishly I might add, at mountain climbing. And this was the result.
COL. LANDA
Mountain climbing? That’s how you injured your leg—mountain climbing?
BRIDGET
Believe it or not, yes, it is.
A brief moment passes between the two…
THEN…
The colonel BURSTS OUT with UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER. So uproarious, in fact, that it’s quite disconcerting to the four saboteurs.
The colonel begins to regain his composure…
COL. LANDA
Forgive me, Fräulein. I don’t mean to laugh at your misfortune. It’s just… mountain climbing? I’m curious, Fräulein, what could have ever compelled you to undertake such a foolhardy endeavor?
The double meaning is not lost on the German actress.
BRIDGET
Well, I shan’t be doing it again, I can tell you that.
COL. LANDA
That cast looks as fresh as my old Uncle Gustave. When were you climbing this mountain, last night?
BRIDGET
Very good eye, Colonel. It happened yesterday morning.
COL. LANDA
Hummm. And where exactly in Paris is this mountain?
This stops her for a second.
Then Landa laughs it off, taking them off the hook.
COL. LANDA
I’m just teasing you, Fräulein. You know me, I tease rough. So who are your three handsome escorts?
BRIDGET
I’m afraid neither of the three speak a word of German. They’re friends of mine from Italy. This is a wonderful Italian stuntman, Antonio Margheriti.
(meaning Aldo)
A very talented cameraman, Enzo Gorlomi.
(meaning Donny)
And Enzo’s camera assistant, Dominick Decocco.
The German Fräulein turns to the three tuxedo-wearing Basterds.
BRIDGET
(ITALIAN)
Gentlemen, this is an old friend, Colonel Hans Landa of the S.S.
The Basterds know only too well who Landa the Jew Hunter is, but they can’t show it.
Aldo sticks out his hand…
LT. ALDO
Buongiorno.
The German takes his hand…
COL. LANDA
Margheriti…
(ITALIAN)
Am I saying it correctly?… Margheriti?
LT. ALDO
(ITALIAN)
Yes. Correct.
COL. LANDA
(ITALIAN)
Margheriti… Say it for me once, please… ?
LT. ALDO
Margheriti.
COL. LANDA
(ITALIAN)
I’m sorry, again… ?
LT. ALDO
Margheriti.
COL. LANDA
(ITALIAN)
Once more…?
LT. ALDO
Margheriti.
COL. LANDA
Margheriti.
(FRENCH)
It means daisies, I believe.
Turning his gaze to Donny.
COL. LANDA
(ITALIAN)
What’s your name again?
SGT. DONOWITZ
Enzo Gorlomi.
COL. LANDA
(ITALIAN)
Again… ?
SGT. DONOWITZ
Gorlomi.
COL. LANDA
(ITALIAN)
One more time, but let me really hear the music in it.
SGT. DONOWITZ
(HAMMY ITALIAN)
Gorlomi.
Now to Hirschberg…
COL. LANDA
(ITALIAN)
And you?
Then Hirschberg breaks out the best Italian accent of the group:
HIRSCHBERG
Dominick Decocco.
COL. LANDA
Dominick Decocco?
HIRSCHBERG
Dominic Decocco.
COL. LANDA
Bravo… Bravo.
BRIDGET
(GERMAN)
Well, my two cameraman friends need to find their seats.
Col. Landa stops a WAITER with a tray of champagne glasses.
COL. LANDA
(GERMAN)
Not so fast. Let’s enjoy some champagne.
Everyone gets a glass.
COL. LANDA
(FRENCH)
—Oh, Mademoiselle Mimieux, please join us. I have some friends I’d like you to meet.
Shosanna joins the circle and is handed a champagne glass.
This is the first moment the Basterds are aware of Shosanna.
COL. LANDA
(FRENCH)
May I say, Mademoiselle, you look divine.
SHOSANNA
(FRENCH)
Merci.
COL. LANDA
(GERMAN)
This lovely young lady is Mademoiselle Emmanuelle Mimieux. This is her cinema, and she is our hostess for the evening.
(FRENCH)
And, Mademoiselle, this battered, broken, and none-worse-for-the-wear German goddess, is Bridget von Hammersmark.
BRIDGET
Bonjour.
SHOSANNA
Bonjour.
BRIDGET
(FRENCH)
I’m afraid my companions don’t speak any French. They’re Italian. This is Antonio, Enzo, and Dominick.
All three smile goofy, spaghetti-bender smiles.
COL. LANDA
(FRENCH)
Actually, Fräulein von Hammersmark’s Italian associates need help finding their seats. Perhaps Mademoiselle Mimieux would be so kind as to escort them?
SHOSANNA
(FRENCH)
It would be my pleasure. Let me see your tickets?
Donny hands her two tickets. She indicates for them to follow her.
Donny and Hirschberg both exchange one last look with Aldo, then follow the young French girl into the auditorium.
INT—AUDITORIUM—NIGHT
The cinema auditorium is filling up quickly with gray and black uniforms.
Shosanna finds the two counterfeit Italians their seats.
After she points out their seats, she turns to leave…
Hirschberg… reaches out and grabs her wrist… .
He looks her in the face and, filled with tremendous guilt, because if he’s successful tonight he’s going to blow this cute French girl to smithereens, he says:
HIRSCHBERG
Grazie.
The cute French girl looks back at the goofy-looking Italian boy with slicked-back hair that makes him look kind of Jewish with tremendous guilt, knowing if she is successful tonight, she’s going to burn him alive, and says:
SHOSANNA
Prego.
BACK TO THE LOBBY
They begin flicking the lights on and off. A GERMAN SOLDIER YELLS IN GERMAN:
GERMAN SOLDIER
Take your seats! The show is about to begin! Everybody take your seats!
Col. Landa, Lt. Aldo, and Bridget are still together.
COL. LANDA
(GERMAN)
I must call the Führer. He doesn’t want to make his entrance until everybody is seated. Come with me, Frau von Hammersmark. The Führer has heard you’re here, and he wishes to commend you personally.
BRI
DGET
(GERMAN)
Me? Why?
COL. LANDA
(GERMAN)
Don’t be modest. Everybody is quite taken with your resolve. An accident like you’ve just experienced, and yet you still show up to an important party event. The Führer was quite adamant in his gratitude. We’ll use Mademoiselle Mimieux’s office.
(to Aldo in Italian)
I’m afraid I must rob you of your companion, but only for a moment.
BRIDGET
(ITALIAN)
Yes, apparently the Führer wishes to commend me.
COL. LANDA
(ITALIAN)
Wait here a moment. I promise I won’t detain her long.
What are either of them supposed to do, argue?
Col. Landa goes over to one of the Nazi GUARDS/USHERS and whispers in his ear, guesturing toward Aldo. Like he’s saying, leave the boy alone, till we come back… Or is he?
Col. Landa limps Bridget away toward Shosanna’s office.
As Aldo stands in the lobby, more and more people enter the auditorium, till it’s only Aldo and the six Nazi guards/ushers in the now-vacant lobby.
INT—SHOSANNA’S OFFICE—NIGHT
Shosanna’s cinema manager’s office. It’s small, cluttered, and dominated by a desk.
They both enter.
Col. Landa closes the door behind him and LOCKS IT.
Bridget notices but says nothing.
Now the two Germans are alone.
COL. LANDA
Have a seat, Fräulein.
Pointing at one lone chair in front of the desk.
She lowers herself in the chair.
Instead of moving around to the other side of the desk, opposite her, the S.S. Colonel pulls another little chair over and places it in front of the fräulein.
He sits, their knees almost touching.
The colonel points to the foot not in the cast.
COL. LANDA
(GERMAN)
Let me see your foot.
BRIDGET
(GERMAN)
I beg your pardon?
Patting his lap.
COL. LANDA
Put your foot in my lap.
BRIDGET
Colonel, you embarrass me.
COL. LANDA
I assure you, Fräulein, my intention is not to flirt.
Patting his lap more with more aggression.
The nervous fräulein lifts up her strappy dress shoe enclosed foot and places it in the colonel’s lap.
The Colonel very delicately unfastens the thin straps that hold the fräulein’s shoe on her foot…
… . He removes the shoe…
… . Leaving only the fräulein’s bare foot…
THEN…
He removes from his heavy S.S. coat pocket the pretty dress shoe the fräulein left behind at La Louisiane…
He slips it on her foot…
… . It fits like a glove.
Bridget knows she’s BUSTED.
Col. Landa smiles and says in ENGLISH:
COL. LANDA
What’s that American expression… “If the shoe fits… you must wear it.”
He removes her foot from his lap.
BRIDGET
(GERMAN)
What now, Colonel?
COL. LANDA
(GERMAN)
Do you admit your treachery?
She stares defiant daggers into him.
BRIDGET
(GERMAN)
The only think I will admit to is resisting you…
(ENGLISH)
Sons-a-bitches…
(GERMAN)
… to my last breath.
COL. LANDA
“Resist to your last breath”?
SUDDENLY…
Hans LUNGES forward, putting his strong mitts around Bridget von Hammersmark’s lily-white, delicate neck, and with all the violence of a lion in mid-pounce, SQUEEZES with all his MIGHT.
Bridget’s face turns tomato RED, as the VEINS in her face BULGE and her esophagus is CRUSHED in his GRIP.
With a violent YANK, he JERKS her TO THE FLOOR. She TUMBLES out of the chair, Landa never releasing his GRIP around her throat. Now fully on top of her, he BEARS DOWN, SQUEEZING THE VERY LIFE OUT OF HER. Everything he has, he brings to bear on the elegant lady’s neck.
Then, to finally finish her off, he begins BANGING THE BACK OF HER HEAD, HARD AGAINST THE FLOOR…
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
She’s dead.
He releases the grip around her throat. His hands are TREMBLING…
He rises.
Strangling the very life out of somebody with your bare hands is the most violent act a human being can commit.
Also, only humans strangle, opposable thumbs being a quite important part of the endeavor. As Hans Landa stands, the sheer violence he had to call on to accomplish this task still surges through him. He tries to gain control of the trembling that is rippling through his body. He takes out a silver S.S. FLASK (filled with peach schnapps) and knocks back a couple of swigs. He holds his hand out in front of him. The TREMBLING is beginning to subside. He picks up the telephone.
Into the phone, in German, he says:
COL. LANDA
Inform the Führer the audience has taken their seats, and we’re ready to begin.
Step one in Hans’s master plan, done.
He then dials another number…
INT—LOBBY—NIGHT
Aldo in the lobby…
WHEN…
… . He’s JUMPED by the SIX NAZI USHERS…
He’s THROWN ROUGHLY to the ground face first. Like the modern-day Secret Service, within seconds his wrists are handcuffed behind his back and he’s searched. They find the BOMB attached to his ankle. It’s removed, and a BLACK CLOTH BAG is pulled over his head. Then he’s hoisted up and RUSHED out of the building.
This happens in mere seconds, and quietly too. No one in the auditorium is none the wiser…
INT—AUDITORIUM—NIGHT
… including Donowitz and Hirschberg, sitting among the master race, waiting for showtime.
EXT—CINEMA—NIGHT
The six Nazi soldiers hustle the hooded Aldo down the red carpet, then into the alley beside the cinema.
Aldo’s put up against a wall.
Inside the black hood, he’s SCREAMING every insulting thing about Germany, Germans, German food, German shepherd… anything.
COL. LANDA’S VOICE (OS)
Shut up!
The faceless black hood does.
Col. Landa, now standing directly in front of his hooded prisoner, says in ENGLISH:
COL. LANDA
As Stanley said to Livingstone: Lieutenant Aldo Raine, I presume?
LT. ALDO
Hans Landa?
COL. LANDA
You’ve had a nice long run, Aldo. Alas, you’re now in the hands of the S.S. My hands to be exact. And they’ve been waiting a long time to touch you.
He reaches out with his finger and lightly touches Aldo’s face right in the middle of the hood.
Aldo’s head VIOLENTLY FLINCHES.
COL. LANDA
Caught ya flinching.
In German, he orders the men to put Aldo in the back of a truck.
Aldo, bound and bagged, is put in the truck. Also in the truck is Utivich, wearing a makeshift chauffeur’s uniform, bound and bagged like the lieutenant.
Inglourious Basterds Page 13