by Leah Raeder
We’re not so different, Max. Holding on to our ghosts.
“I’ll come by,” I said. “On the day of.”
He bared his teeth. Not sure if it was supposed to be a smile.
“If I have to sit on your porch in the snow, I will. I’m a stubborn bitch. You know that.” I rubbed his knuckles. “You texted me for a reason. You want to talk.”
“You don’t come around anymore. I missed you.”
“I’ve been busy. And you were being weird about my girlfriend.”
It still gave me a little jolt, to call her that.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. Either of you. I wanted to protect you.”
I looked at the hand beneath mine. “Ellis is a good person, Max. Better than I deserve. I wish you knew her the way I do.”
“I wish you knew her the way I do.”
“How is that?”
“She’s hurt you. You don’t understand yet, but you will.”
“No more of this ominous shit, okay?” I pressed his hand. “I love her. No matter what, I will always love her. You know what it’s like. You felt it for Ryan. That love will never change.”
“You’re young to be so wise.”
“It’s been a hard life. Makes you grow up fast.”
“I missed this, Morgan. Your voice, your face. I missed you.”
Everything. Slowed. Down.
Morgan.
I turned his hand over. Traced the smooth skin of his palm with a fingertip. Looked up. He was watching me.
“You weren’t there,” I whispered. “I saw everyone who walked through the door. You weren’t there.”
His eyes searched mine.
What had I missed? Someone in the restroom, or already seated? Dane took pics of the café; we scrutinized them later. No one looked remotely familiar.
I let go of Max and stood, dizzy.
“Don’t leave me,” he said.
Oh, god.
I rummaged in my coat for my phone.
Tell Ellis. Call for backup.
“You came into my life,” he said. “You came in and made me feel alive again. And then you left. I need you. Please.”
“How dare you, after what you did to me.”
“What have I done?”
His face was dashed now in candle flame, now shadow. I couldn’t read the look in his eyes.
“You catfished me. Fucked with my head, and my heart. Led me on a wild-goose chase.”
“Wild-goose chase?”
“I knew it was you. You coward, watching me on cam. Bitching out in Boston. Do you know how much you fucked me up?”
“It was only a few minutes. I couldn’t stand it.” He glanced away. “You’re like a daughter to me. It felt wrong.”
“Don’t fucking call me that. That’s disgusting.”
“I mean it. I couldn’t watch. I wanted to pay you to stop.”
“You did. You paid me to stop camming for anyone else.” I knelt to his level, met those vivid blue eyes. “This is why you were always casting aspersions on Ellis. Trying to play me against her. Your ‘archnemesis.’ You fucking asshole.”
Max sat up straighter. “Watch your mouth. I said it was only a few minutes. Then you left, to do a show for someone.”
I was breathing hard. He faced me, unflinching.
“You were there every night, Max. For months. You and me.”
“You’ve got me mixed up with somebody.”
“What, you just stumbled across my site, despite the region ban? Accidentally used a VPN?”
He shrugged. “It’s all Greek to me. I understand joints and ball bearings. Not ones and zeroes.”
“How did you find me?”
“I looked up your picture on Google. It brought up other photos of you. With ties around your neck, and things like that. I was worried, so I clicked.”
I laughed in his face. “Sure.”
“It let me watch for free. You were right there. It broke my heart, watching you do that to yourself. Choking. You were in so much pain. I never realized how deep it went until then.” His throat twisted, words straining out. “I thought it was because of Ellis. You know, the way she is. Love means being happy for someone even if it hurts, but I thought I could spare you that pain. I was wrong, Vada. You’d love her even if it destroyed you. Told you I’m bad at this father thing.”
Either he had the best poker face in history, or he wasn’t lying.
What the hell?
I got up, paced the bathroom. “What is this? Are you collecting dirt on us? Is this part of a lawsuit or something?”
“I haven’t talked to any lawyers. I told you, I mean you no harm.”
“Good, because you don’t want to fuck with me. I’ve been collecting dirt, too.” I decided to gamble. “We found Ryan’s ex. And we had a nice long chat. He told us everything.”
“Who?”
“His ex-boyfriend, Sergio. In Bar Harbor.”
Max blinked.
“Your gay son’s partner.”
“He wasn’t seeing anyone.”
“Guess he didn’t tell you.”
“No, I’d know something like that. I spoke with his therapist.” Max shook his head. “He’s never been to Bar Harbor.”
“We tracked this guy down, talked to him in person. He knew Ryan.”
“You talked to this person, or Ellis did?”
I started to answer and then my mouth hung open, stuck.
He nodded, slowly. “You didn’t actually meet anyone. You’re repeating what she told you. What did this person supposedly say?”
Even though I was shaken I lobbed another dart, aiming blind. “He told us who beat Ryan up.”
Max stood, grabbing the shower rod for balance. “Give me a name. Give me a name and I’ll take care of it.”
His hand drifted toward the gun.
He legit wanted to kill someone. Holy shit.
It couldn’t be him, on the autopsy. Not his hands making those bruise patterns. He didn’t hurt Ryan. He wanted to kill whoever had touched his son. The same way I’d wreck anyone who hurt Ellis.
None of this fit what I thought I’d known.
What the hell was going on?
“Who did it?” Max said.
“Answer me first. How did you watch me on cam? There’s a region ban.”
He exhaled, annoyed. “Ask your computer whiz friend. I don’t know how that shit works.”
Bugs in the code.
“You found something.” Max narrowed his eyes. “You have a name. I need that name, Vada.”
“I was bluffing, okay? The only name I have is Skylar. We still haven’t even found her.”
“What?”
“We looked everywhere. There was no Skylar at his school. Can you just tell me who—”
“You still don’t see.” He seemed almost about to laugh. “You looked right at her and didn’t see.”
For some reason I thought of Blue’s last email.
you looked right at me. through me.
“See what?” I said.
“You cracked the laptop. You got the photos.”
“Right.”
“You saw her.”
“Skylar wasn’t in them.”
“Yes, she was.”
My thoughts skidded, losing traction.
“You’re playing with me,” Max said. “This is all a game to you. You and your girlfriend, playing detective. And you still don’t realize she’s playing against you, too.”
He barreled toward me and I backpedaled, but he stormed past, toward the stairs. The gun was still on the tub.
“Max,” I called.
“Please leave. No more of this.”
“How did you see Skylar’s pics?”
He turned around, leaning on the wall. In the darkness I could barely see him.
“She showed me.”
“You met her?”
Now he started to laugh, dryly.
None of this made sense.
Skylar showed the ph
otos to Max. Then Ryan died, and they disappeared.
Who deleted them?
We’d looked through every single pic. All selfies, landscapes, macro shots. No Skylar.
Unless Ellis hadn’t shown me all the photos she recovered.
Like she hadn’t shown me the autopsy. Like she’d lied about Ryan’s ex.
“Max,” I said, my body tense. “Why did you warn me about Ellis? What is she hiding from me?”
He looked at me a long time. I didn’t think he would answer.
Then he said, simply, “Her.”
* * *
Nothing moved in the woods but me. Chebeague was even more desolate than Peaks, quieter, lonelier. On a winter night there was only the soft rush of snow, the sky whispering sparkling white ellipses, words unheard. I walked carefully but my boots crunched, too loud in this deep stillness.
Our footprints had been erased on the log steps. I climbed up balancing on the railless edge, nearly falling.
Inside, small piles of snow collected in corners like pillars of salt. I went straight to the hollow rectangle traced in the paint and flicked on my phone’s flashlight. Found the loose board and pressed my weight into it.
The envelope was gone.
* * *
“You’re freezing. Did you walk here? Why didn’t you call?”
Ellis was waiting in my room at the beach house. Candles lit, incense burning. Mug of tea on my desk. It all smelled like her now—my clothes, bedsheets, skin. Part of me, permeating everything. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. She’d read me immediately.
How do you outwit someone who’s so much smarter than you?
Think of her like a man. Prey on his weaknesses.
I flung my coat off, began to undress.
“Vada?” She followed me to the clothes rack. “What did Max say?”
“He was drunk. He didn’t make a lot of sense.”
“Did he want something?”
I glanced at her. “Me.”
Her eyes widened. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“Nothing happened.” I pulled my shirt off. Stood there in my bra, my hands lingering on my chilled skin. “I’m fine.”
When I shivered Ellis moved close, circling my waist. “Are you sure? You’re so cold.”
I took a shaky breath.
“Did he touch you?”
“It was nothing.”
Instantly she went rigid, pulling me against her. “If he did something to you, I’ll—”
“It was nothing. I stopped him before anything happened, I promise.” I bit my lip. “But it made me feel weird.”
“In a bad way or a good way?”
“Both.”
She let go and I turned around. No expression on her face, but she watched me sharply, gears turning.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No. I’m glad you did.” Her eyes danced back and forth. “How did it really make you feel, being touched by a man?”
Time to push. “Like a woman.”
She stared a beat longer, not reacting, then walked toward her belongings on the other side of the room.
“Ellis, where are you going?”
“Home.”
“It’s late. The ferry isn’t running.”
“I’ll call Brandt.”
“It’s snowing. It’s not safe. Don’t be like this, baby.”
When I touched her shoulder she spun, seizing mine. “Is there something going on with you and Max?”
I laughed, disbelieving. “Seriously?”
“Is there?”
“Are you going to have a meltdown every time I so much as glance at a guy?” I wrenched away from her. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you.”
“I’m not overreacting. You still haven’t let Blue go.”
“I just want to know who he is. And there’s a good chance he could be Max.”
“Is that what you want? Do you feel something for Max?”
I sneered. “Please. I’ve always been faithful to you. Your paranoia is not my fault.”
“You’re a cam girl. You seduce men for a living. Sorry that it makes me paranoid.”
“Well, I wasn’t seducing him.”
“Then why did he touch you?”
I threw my hands in the air. “Who fucking knows? He was barely lucid. He kept talking about Skylar.”
If I hadn’t been watching for it—if I didn’t know her so well—I wouldn’t have noticed the way her eyes flashed, the pique of alarm. She smothered it quickly with a frown. “What did he say, exactly?”
“Random shit. About the photos, and the autopsy. He actually met Skylar. They knew each other. I mentioned Ryan’s ex, but Max had no idea who I was talking about.”
“Why did you mention him?”
“Is there a reason I shouldn’t have?”
“Because we should save our leverage until we need it?”
A perfectly reasonable thing to say.
Always my voice of reason, warning me back from the edge.
“You’re right. I fucked up.” I pretended to muse. “Now that I think about it, they never sent us that autopsy, did they?”
She looked at me for a long moment. “No. Must’ve gotten lost.”
I headed toward the clothes rack. “I’m going to request it again. And I’m going back to Bar Harbor, to see that guy. Something doesn’t add up.”
“Vada.” Ellis slid behind me, laid a hand on my bare back. Her fingertips glided down to the dip above my ass. Unsettling and arousing, both at once. “I think it’s time we left this to Max. Let him deal with it now. It’s not our business.”
“Max doesn’t want to deal with anything. He wants to bury it.” I steadied my voice. “Sometimes it seems like you do, too.”
Her hand moved to the clasp of my bra. “I want to let it go. I don’t want to be haunted anymore.”
“By who? Ellis, by who?”
But she didn’t answer. She touched me until I stopped asking.
I let her open my bra, cup my breasts in her palms. My tension was palpable and she felt it, too. She pinched my nipples, bit my neck when she kissed it. We didn’t make it to my bed. Instead she drove me up against the wall, one hand inside my jeans, the other around my throat. Her teeth shone in the candlelight, clenched. Aggressive. Masculine. Something primal in me responded. I pulled her toward the cam lights, the nightstand. Took a tie from the drawer and looped it around my neck. Put a silicone cock in her hand. “Do it like this,” I said. “Fuck me like a cam girl.” And she did, my legs around her waist, my spine to the wall. I looked at my fingers kinked against the wood, clawing for something to hold. There was nothing. Nothing but her.
* * *
In the morning I woke before Ellis, showered and dressed and left the house undetected. Sent her a text—running errands, nos vemos esta tarde, Christmas tree emoji—and got on the Portland ferry.
No gifts for me, she wrote back. I already have everything I want. I’ll miss you.
It went in like a knife.
For a second I wanted to reply: What are you hiding? Why? But I thought of Blue, slipping away like quicksilver when I tried to catch him, hold him. I knew she’d be the same.
Not again. Not this time.
I’ll miss you too, pajarito, I wrote, and turned my phone off.
All the way over on the ferry, I felt every swell and smash of the waves inside my ribs.
On the wharf the scent of raw fish and wet hemp hit me hard. I’d fallen in love with this city, too. Sometimes love for a person and a place get a little jumbled, and you can’t feel one without the other. No matter what happened, Portland would always be Ellis. I’d never take that lion’s head down. Brass doesn’t rust. Max told me they used it on ships because it was one of the few things that could withstand the harsh salt sea. It would hang there while everything else burned slowly, disintegrating into red smoke.
I rang the doorbell.
“Vada,” Brandt said,
smiling. “What a nice surprise. Come in.”
“Can’t stay long.” I kicked my boots off at the door. “Ellis sent me to pick stuff up.”
Brandt was still in PJs, lounge pants and an undershirt. Bedhead and bare feet gave him a boyish air.
“Something warm to drink?” he offered.
“I’m good.”
He eyed me a moment, still smiling. I couldn’t tell if he read emotions as well as Ellis. “Come on.”
Upstairs, we’d stacked all her boxes in the empty corner bedroom. Not our old room—Let’s be new, I’d said. Half the boxes were open, clothes and books spilling over the floor.
“I’m helping,” Brandt said.
“Uh-huh. You snoop.”
“Takes one to know one.”
Ellis had painstakingly labeled each box—COMICS; FIGURINES; STUFF VADA SHOULDN’T LOOK AT BEFORE XMAS—and something in my chest went tight at that last. She bought me gifts, after telling me a million times not to get her anything.
I waded through the mess till I found BACKUP STORAGE. Still sealed.
“Got something sharp?” I said.
Brandt snorted, as if the question were absurd. He grabbed a folding knife off the bureau and sliced through the tape.
“She sent you for hard drives?” he said.
“Yeah. You know, those bugs with the site. Guess she needs some backed-up file.” Was I overexplaining? Shit. Which drive was it? These all looked the same. “On second thought, I think I will take a cup of tea.”
“We’re out of tea.”
“Coffee?”
Brandt leaned on the bureau. He started to cross his arms and then braced on a palm instead. His right arm wouldn’t bend far enough. “Let’s get breakfast together.”
Ellis swore her cousin had zero romantic interest in me, but he always seemed to be insinuating something. And only when she wasn’t present.
“Brandt.” I picked the external drive labeled R/S. Had to be this one. “You know that we’re, like, serious. Me and Ellis. We’re together.”
“I’m inviting you to breakfast, Vada, not my bed.”
Despite myself, I blushed. This guy unnerved me. I couldn’t figure him out.
“Got what I need,” I said, standing. “Thanks.”
He stepped away from the bureau, and as I followed him out of the room, my eyes fell on the knife he’d left behind.