by K. M. Ellis
Once we arrived at the event and got our seats, the awards had begun to be given out. Arctic Circle had one the Best Album of the Year which Shane gratefully claimed. Once he was back sitting down with the rest of the group and me I could feel my desire rising again towards him. The tux, the smile, everything about Shane was turning me on at that point. The sad part was, he had no idea how much I wanted him, for some reason the man was under the impression that he wanted me more than I wanted him, well according to Thomas anyways. I decided to boldly rest my hand on his leg. After a short bit of time I started rubbing his leg upwards creeping towards his crotch. He gave me a strange look as I put my hand through the zipper of his pants and started to stroke his semi hard self. I could feel him beginning to harden more, but before I could reach my goal, he pushed my hand away and zipped himself up. He looked over at me as I gave him a pout of disappointment. Shane then took me by the hand, got up and walked me out of the main room, into one of the darkened abandoned halls deep inside the building. He then pushed me up against the wall, crushing his mouth against mine. I could feel his hardness against my leg which excited me even more. Pulling my dress up, Shane lifted me up so that my legs were around him and his strong arms were supporting me. He pushed himself inside of me hard and fast with strength that I had not seen in him before. When I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, Shane came with a gush of liquid flowing between my legs. He was breathing heavy and I could feel his heart beating wildly. He held me there for a few more seconds until he finally let me down. I watched him fix himself up as I went into the nearest bathroom to clean up. When I came out Shane and I walked back to the main hall to our table. His movements seemed to be awkward and I could tell that he had been surprised with how fast his passion overtook him. When we got back to the table with everyone, I must have looked flushed because Alex asked me if I was alright. I didn’t know if I was alright to be honest. I was shaking, I was hot. The fire inside of me burned, wanting more. Sure I was satisfied, but that fire had been put out so easily without a fight. Our relationship had found a spark in sex, but beside that, we were still on ice.
The rest of the night went smoothly as we came home to find Darla asleep. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. Being away I had forgotten how much I loved her. She was a part of me and I wanted to be to her what my parents had never been for me. I wanted us to be true, loving parents, who are always there for their child. I believed that Shane and I could be perfect candidates for that goal if only I would let myself stop straying, but drugs and alcohol seemed to be my only answer.
Drew
August 1987
Kat and Shane held a party for Darla’s first birthday which I gladly attended. I had seemed to smooth things over with her and we had developed a friendship, which I believed bothered Shane.
“I still want you sometimes,” she said as I handed her another balloon.
She smiled when I laughed.
“You don’t?” she asked
“Of course I do… I mean… Kat, what the fuck?”
She came close to me, “I just wanted to let you know that I still think about us sometimes. And how much I miss your cock,” she said grabbing my crotch.
“Kat…” I smelt the alcohol strongly on her breath. “Let’s get these outside alright?”
“Fine,” she murmured as she grabbed the rest of the balloons and walked out to the porch.
I had tried to block her out of my thoughts, but it seemed harder and harder.
Even more so now.
Shane
October 1987
“Kat come on, let’s just go to bed!”
She laughed loudly, falling over the couch, drunk again.
“Jesus Christ,” I said, picking her up and carrying her up the stairs.
As I plopped her down into bed, she dragged me down with her. “Come on,” she giggled, trying to take off my shirt. I freed myself from her.
“I just want to go to bed, Kat.” I told her firmly. I was angry with her, not only had she completely screwed up practice for Arctic Circle today, she had been trying to flirt and flaunt herself in front of my band mates, which was embarrassing enough. Then, of course she was drunk which made it all the worse.
“Fine, we don’t have to if you don’t want to,” she pouted, then rolled to her side, her breathing becoming deeper after a moment.
I sat beside her for a moment with my head in my hands. I wasn’t sure what to do with her anymore.
The Next Morning
I sat on the couch downstairs with my guitar as Darla played in her pen beside me. She gurgled while I strummed.
I heard a noise to my left as Kat walked down the stairs. “I have such a huge headache,” she said.
“Take something.” I told her
She went into the kitchen as I heard the rattle of a pill bottle. She came back to sit beside me as I put my guitar down. “You need to get this under control, Kat.” I said to her.
She shrugged a little, “It will be okay,” she said while taking my hand. “I promise.”
I wanted to believe her
Gary
November 1987
“You could take off the sunglasses, Kathryn.”
She sat across from me at a little dinner in Brooklyn. She had sunglasses on and even with her coat on, you could tell she had lost excessive weight. I had asked her to come out to lunch with me today, because tomorrow was her birthday and I had figured she would spend it with Shane.
She sighed loudly and took the glasses off, setting them down on the table. “Happy?” she asked
“God, Kat, you look exhausted!”
She had dark circles under her eyes unlike I had ever seen on her before.
“Maybe I need a nap,” she said smoothly, her eyes suddenly sparkling.
“You want me to take you home?” I asked
“I don’t want to go home, but you can bring me back to your place if you’d like,” she purred.
“I… no, it’s not a good idea,” I managed weakly.
She smiled and took my hand that was resting on the table.
“Come on… what’s the harm?”
She got up and I followed her to my car. “Fine, we can,” I said
She threw her arms around me, my body responded to her closeness and I had to stop myself from pressing her up against the car and taking her right then and there.
When we reached my house, Kat sighed. “Mmm, so many memories here, Gare,” she said as she reached over and put a hand on my crotch.
“Fuckin, not here, let’s go inside.”
Once in the house, she took off her coat. I could see now how sickly thin she had become.
“Do you have any blow?” she asked, looking around the living room as if she had never been there.
“You know I don’t.”
She turned to me, “Take your clothes off.”
“Here?” I asked
She nodded as she stripped off her sweater and pulled her shoes off. I began to undress, while watching her push down her pants.
“Sit on the couch,” she demanded.
I did as I was told. She slipped down her underwear, and then straddled me. She reached a hand down and adjusted me towards her core. She pushed herself down on it and began to move widely on me. I couldn’t help myself, I busted within a second. Her face twisted in disappointment as she lifted herself off of me. She started to pull back on her clothes.
“I gotta go home now,” she said
“Really?”
“Fuck, I left my sunglasses at the diner, you don’t mind stopping there do you?” she asked
I could feel my frustration rising towards her, who was this creature who had just blatantly used me and didn’t give a care in the world? Certainly not the Kat I had known.
”Please?” she asked exaggeratedly.
I got up and dressed. She seemed anxious, pacing back and forth.
“Do you have anything?”She asked
“God, Kat w
hat are you looking for?”
She went into the kitchen as I followed. She went towards my wet bar and found whiskey. Without even asking, she poured herself two shots and down they went.
“Fuckin, that’s better,” she sighed.
I felt a twang of pity form in my stomach as I went up and held her. She allowed me to hold her as she put her arms around me and laid her head on my chest. Whatever game she tried to play, she had to know that I had done it, I had been there, I had seen it, and I had played harder. I recognized in her something she would never see, her father.
Thomas
December 1987
Kat was a mess. Neptune was on a temporary hiatus because of it. She had gotten into coke and with her already heavy drinking; she began to fade more and more into depression and extramarital activities. The past three months had been a strain on everyone around her and she didn’t seem to even give a notice to it.
“Tom”, she cooed at me whenever we were together, “We could be doing so many more exciting things than just sitting around.
I was strumming my guitar on the couch; Kat had come over while Shane held practice for Arctic Circle. He didn’t trust Kat to be alone or alone with Darla anymore. While Darla was with Tammy, Kat was being baby sat by myself. She had no idea.
“You need to get yourself together, Kat”
“Can I have a drink at least?” She asked.
“No not right now Kat.”
She was pissed, she was hurt, and she was depressed. She had been like this since she had Darla. I had heard of postpartum depression, but Kat had taken this to a whole ‘nother level.
She huffed and puffed. “I’m bored Tom. Bored with everything and you’re not helping.”
“You need some serious help, Kat.”
“Whatever” she laughed.
Yeah whatever, for now. Something had to change; we couldn’t continue our careers when she was like this. Truth is, I was worried.
1988
Kat
January/March 1988
Shane knew me better than anyone else sexually. He could turn a sour mood into a sweet one just with one touch. He could drive me crazy. The way he licked his fingers and traced my nipples, causing them to become erect to the way that he took me anywhere at any time.
“Do you like that, Kat”? He would ask
Those times where we made love in a hurry, barely taking off our clothes, only moving away the needed garments in order for the ultimate goal of penetration. However the times that he sensually took off my clothes and lay me down in bed naked as a babe, were the most breathtaking. To have him weak and powerless in my grasp as he came, sighing and shuddering was beautiful to me. Shane wasn’t a weak man, but in bed with me, I saw him at his weakest point as I teased him to the point where he would beg to enter me. Shane was the perfect man in and out of bed. In those times, I felt like myself again and didn’t need to use.
Darla adored Shane. She always wanted her daddy when she was with me. At dinner she would have to sit next to him and would make a scene if he was paying attention to anyone else but her. Shane was a great father. I felt that if I was able to have children again he would have been even happier with me. My inability to have children clouded much of my emotion towards Shane because at times I felt like I was responsible for taking away that happiness from him; Shane spoiled Darla because she was our only child. I was the evil one, always punishing her, because Shane did not have the heart to do so.
At times it felt that, unexpectedly, only Alex was there not judging me and I found comfort with him. One late spring evening, Alex and I went out for a walk down to the beach. The water was beautiful, the beaches shining gold. It couldn’t have been a more perfect moment for me to let Alex kiss my lips as the sun was setting. That chaste kiss however turned with the night into a dark passion as I lay in the sand with him. He took me roughly, leaving me satisfied with the feeling one gets from unexpected sex. The quick pleasure that had overtaken me had turned to disgust as I found myself wondering what was wrong with me. After that one night with Alex, I found it easier and easier to find comfort in the arms of others. After I grew bored with Alex, I then turned my attention to the unexpected Nick who came to me with open arms one night while we took a dip in the pool. I wasn’t sure of Shane known that something was going awfully wrong but part of me wondered, how could he not know? He surely wasn’t that thick headed to his surroundings.
We were all drinking together when Shane and I went to go to bed. Drew had been talking to me a lot more now after the incident at Darla’s party. Realizing our desire for each other, Drew had told me that he wanted to make love to me in which I had replied that I would see what I could do. Confused by this he went on with what he was doing as I continued to prepare for bed with Shane. As we were lying in bed I brought up the question of, would he ever have a three some. Poor Shane had no idea where I was going with this and I believe that his drunkenness did not help the situation what so ever.
“I guess I could consider it,” he slurred
When I replied with asking if he would consider it now, he said “yes”.
Probably not the best answer as I then inquired if it would be okay if I got Drew and we had a threesome.
He just sort of sighed and said, “If that’s what you’d like, I guess so?”
Always so submissive.
I ran down the hallway where I found Drew.
There I told him about my idea where he responded that he was no way in hell going to fuck Shane. I told him he wouldn’t have to as he laughed with relief. He kissed me there as we ran back to my and Shane’s room. There he slammed me against the outside of the door; I turned the door knob as we both fell into the room giggling. Shane was sitting on the bed half asleep as Drew pushed me down on the bed. His weight on top on me was exhilarating as he pushed his body against me letting me feel his hardness underneath his pants. He then took off my pants as I helped him with his. I could see his cock through his briefs he was wearing, but I quickly pulled them down revealing the real whole thing. He was ready for me; I could feel his cock in my hand, hard as a rock and ready for action. He pulled off my underwear, the last remaining strong hold between him and me. In a smooth motion he put his body inside of me. I threw my legs around him immediately as we lay entangled. I think he surprised himself with how much he wanted to do this, not to mention how much I was surprising myself. My husband was lying on the bed not five feet away from me and here I was literally getting fucked by another man in front of him. Drew and I exploded together after minutes of silent moaning and passionate thrusting. When he slid out from me I felt empty again as he left with little more than a kiss on the cheek and a good night. I went to the bathroom after that. When I came out Shane had turned his back to me, I was too drunk to care then.
Shane
April 1988
Everything was getting worse, her drinking, her drug use, and now this.
“She literally fucked Drew right in front of me,” I confessed to Thomas that morning.
He raised his eyebrows
“Well, so did you technically…”
He ignored my snide comment, “Have you talked to her about it?” he asked as he lit a cigarette.
“No, I just made out like everything was… normal… as normal as it could be I guess.”
He just shook his head at me.
I sighed loudly, “Ugh, I don’t know what to do, man. I love her, but we’re falling apart, everything is, I had thought it was getting better but… God, now I gotta face Drew later in practice and pretend nothing is wrong, for the sake of this fucking band...”
He smiled at me, “That’s pretty much what I do with Kat daily.”
I sat on the park bench. We had met early in the morning, I had called him to vent. He was a nonjudgmental source, who although was Kat’s best friend and used to be occasional lover, I trusted more than any of the guys in Arctic Circle, he just had that way about him.
“Do you want to divorc
e her?” he dared to ask.
I paused, “I’ve thought about it,” I then answered honestly
He raised an eyebrow, “What’s stopping you?”
“Darla, she’s always been the reason. That’s why I stayed with her after… you know”, I said, hating to bring up him sleeping with her again.
“That’s no reason to keep yourself in a shit storm.”
“If she would stop drinking and stop doing drugs then maybe... just maybe I can get past the fact that she slept with him.”
“Maybe” he said, “You shouldn’t make excuses for the way she acted.”
“I don’t know, I really don’t know anymore,” I said shaking my head. “I really don’t.”
“She’s done a lot more fucked up shit than this, Shane. Between you and me, it’s not the first time with Drew.”
“I know” I said, trying to block the images out.
“Then why do you try?”
“Because,” I paused, “because I’ve been there.”
“What do you mean?”
“Before I met Kat I was a piece of shit. Pretty much fucking anyone and everyone, doing drugs, alcohol. I didn’t give a shit. I think Kat is different though, she cares about things. I just… I guess I want to save her from it all.”
“Shane, she’s not a charity case,” Thomas said lighting another cigarette.
“I realize that, but I do love her.”
“She loves you, she still tells me. She wants it to work just as much as you,” he said taking a puff
I watched him let it out before I spoke.
“Am I a fool for sticking around this long?”
He considered it, “Possibly, I would have left her when I saw her with me.”