by J. Meyers
“Hey,” he said. His earbuds were hanging down over each shoulder.
“Hey, yourself.” Sera tried to smile but her face wouldn’t cooperate. Fey sat down on her other side and grasped her hand.
Sera leaned her head back on the wall and closed her eyes. Which was a mistake because it threw her back to the moment of finding out her dad was dead.
She had pushed away from Luke to see his face, certain he had to be kidding. That it had to be a joke. She’d placed one palm on his chest. To stop it, the joke. Why would Luke think this was funny? He had a twisted sense of humor, sure, but this really went beyond his usual.
“No,” she’d said, “he’s not. I just talked to him. I just…Luke?” She’d stopped. It wasn’t a joke. She could see that in his eyes and the tears that ran down his face. She clenched her jaw, set her mouth, pushed the panic down. Her voice was low, serious, as she said, “Where is he? Luke? Tell me where he is.”
“It’s too late, Sera.”
“Where is he? I can go right now. I can heal him. I can stop this.”
“I saw him, Sera. It’s too late.”
“WHERE IS HE?” She grabbed the front of his coat.
“He’s gone. Or can you bring back the dead, Sera?” Luke asked in a soft whisper, not unkind. “You can do a lot of amazing things, I know, but I don’t think that’s one of them.”
“Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.” She dropped her arm, folded in half, and tried to catch her breath. Her knees hit the red bricks of the street. Pain filled her chest, crushing her lungs so she couldn’t breathe
“No,” she said. Not her dad. Not him. She needed her dad.
She looked up at Luke. He hadn’t moved. Face pale, his eyes were wide, haunted. He shook his head from side to side, a small motion, as if he couldn’t wrap his mind around it even though he knew it was true. She reached out her hand to him and he grasped it, collapsing on the ground next to her.
“How?” she whispered.
“Heart attack,” Luke said. “They think.”
“But he didn’t have heart problems, did he?”
Luke shook his head and gazed silently ahead.
“I didn’t See it,” he said finally, in a very quiet voice. “How could I not have Seen it? How?”
“Oh, Luke,” Sera said, and squeezed his hand tight between hers. “Luke, it’s not your fault. And even if you had Seen it, you wouldn’t have been able to stop it, would you? Have you ever been able to?”
“No,” he whispered, his breath coming in short gasps. He turned his head away and stared unseeing up at the night sky, and she thought for a moment he was going to pass out. She grasped his chin in her hand, tried to make him look at her and see her, really see her.
He didn’t budge.
“Luke!” She shook his shoulders. This wasn’t like him. He didn’t fall apart like this. She couldn’t handle this on her own. She didn’t want to. That’s why there were two of them.
“What good is this gift,” Luke said quietly, sarcasm dripping from the last word, “if I don’t get to See something like this? What good is it if I can’t stop things from happening?” He still looked up at the stars. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get any warning. It shouldn’t have happened.” The realization made his eyes huge when he finally turned to Sera. “Don’t you think? Dad wasn’t supposed to die.”
She opened her eyes now and peered at Luke on the bench next to her and thought that he had never been more right than when he’d said that. This wasn’t supposed to have happened, their dad shouldn’t be dead. She was not supposed to be sitting here at his wake.
Luke was flipping something back and forth in his hands. She caught a glimpse of silver.
“What is that?” Sera said.
“Dad’s flask.”
“Oh.” His flask. Their dad had carried it with him everywhere. Empty. Always empty. As a reminder of who he’d been and who he’d become. He’d sobered up after the divorce and hadn’t slipped once in eight years. His empty flask had been a kind of trophy to him.
“I got it when we picked up his stuff from the hospital,” Luke said. “I’m keeping it.”
“You’re going to carry it?”
“Yup. For him.” Luke looked at Sera. “You mind?”
“No,” she said. “I think—” Her throat tightened, and tears stung her eyes. She tucked her head down for a moment. When she could speak again, her voice was a whisper. “He’d like that.”
Luke nodded, his jaw clenching and eyes watering. Sera squeezed his arm, then looked around the crowded room.
So many people had come. And every time one of them glanced at Sera and Luke, they’d give them the Look. A tilt of the head, eyebrows drawn up and together, a slight frown. Sometimes there was a little head shake, too. Poor Sera, poor Luke, the Look said. She knew it was heartfelt each time, but already she hated it.
She didn’t deserve the Look. It was her fault he was dead. And each Look was a cold reminder. For Sera, this was a nightmare. One she could not wake up from.
The worst part? She never got to say goodbye. She didn’t get to tell him all the things she would have. Things she wanted to say right now. Things she wanted to say a year from now. Five years from now. Twenty years from now.
But she’d never get the chance because she hadn’t been there.
She’d put off meeting her dad to spend a couple of hours with a boy. A boy. Something she never did. And look what it had cost her. If she hadn’t gone with Marc, if she’d just gone and met her dad as they had planned, he would be alive right now.
She should have been there.
It was her fault that their father was dead. And she didn’t know how she was going to live with that.
Marc walked into the room and Sera immediately looked the other way. What had she been thinking? Look what happened when she was distracted. And she could feel the pull of Marc. Even now, across the room. Her attention was drawn back to him over and over again. Rather than on the things that were really important.
She glanced at him. He’d nodded at Luke and headed toward them. He’d been around a lot the past couple of days. Hanging out with Luke, watching her from afar as she’d kept her distance. The expression she’d seen most often on his face when he’d looked at her was one of confusion. She hated doing this to him, but she just couldn’t be near him. Just couldn’t see him without being reminded that her father’s death was her fault.
As he slowly made his way through all the people, her heart sped up and her breathing shortened. No. She couldn’t do it. She could feel Marc getting closer and had to get away. Now.
“I’m going to go check on Mom,” Sera said, and stood up quickly.
“Want me to come?” Luke said.
“No, you stay. I’ll—” And Marc was there. Right next to her. Looking at her. His arm almost touching hers. She stepped to the side, started walking away. “—be back in a while.”
“Hey, Sera—” Marc called, but she didn’t turn back. She fought to keep herself from running away, bumped into some man in a dark brown suit, and wove her way through the crowd as quickly as she could.
Being in the middle of all these strangers, no matter how well meaning they were, didn’t really make her feel better. It was too much. She spotted her mom greeting people and hurried over to her.
“Mom?” she said as some woman, who looked vaguely familiar, let go of her mother’s hand and moved out of line. Her mom turned, took one look at her face and folded her into a tight hug.
“How’re you doing, sweetheart?”
“Okay, but,” she looked around, spoke quietly, “I can’t breathe in here.”
“Too many people?”
Sera nodded, her throat tight. How could she do this to her mom? Leave her in the middle of this. But she had to. She couldn’t stay in here another minute. “I’m going to walk down to the lake, okay? I’ll be back in a little while.”
Her mom pulled back, searched her face f
or a moment, then nodded. “Go. I’ll be fine.” She squeezed Sera’s hand, then turned back to the next person in line.
Sera had a miraculously clear path to the door from where she stood, and she practically ran out, ignoring all the looks she earned for her swift departure. Bursting through the doors, she inhaled the cool dry air. She felt better with just that one breath.
“Hey,” Luke said from behind her, startling Sera. She hadn’t heard him follow her out. “I’ll come too,” he said.
She looked at him and tears welled up in her eyes. He was always there when she needed him.
“You never listen,” she said.
“Nope. Good thing for you.” And he fell into step beside her.
She nodded, unable to speak. Once she got down to the lakeshore and soaked up the calm of the water she would be okay.
At least for a moment.
SEVENTEEN
Sera pushed the heavy metal door open and squinted in the bright afternoon sunshine. Students streamed out of the school all around her. She could feel their eyes upon her as they had been all day.
Her first day back and she and Luke were now the “ones whose dad died.” The teachers and some of the students had given her the Look all day long. So many others just quickly averted their eyes.
She was so tired of trying to avoid everyone—impossible in a school with a thousand other students—and pretending to be okay. She was exhausted and just wanted to get home and away from everybody.
Thankfully it was Friday and she wouldn’t have to come back for two days. She didn’t know how she was ever going to get back to feeling normal. It seemed as if she was never going to feel that way again.
She lifted her hand to shade her eyes and looked to see if Luke or Fey were at the car yet. She really hated being by herself amidst all these people.
Marc. Oh, no.
Leaning lazily against his car. In the sunshine. Waiting for her. Well, maybe. She didn’t know if he was actually there for her. Though when he smiled and waved, then watched her walk the entire way from the school to where their cars were parked side by side, she figured he was.
That set her heart to flinging itself against her rib cage. She did not want to do this, but she had to tell him. It was only fair and best to do it as soon as possible. But he had been so great over the past two weeks—helping out as much as he could. He had even been there to move furniture and boxes out of her dad’s apartment.
How could she tell him she couldn’t see him anymore?
Cleaning out and packing up her dad’s things had been brutal. So many memories. Though she’d been surprised that they had actually laughed through part of it too, at funny things their dad had done. But the end result—his empty, hollow apartment—had been devastating. He was gone. He was really, really gone.
And Marc had been there when they were done. He hadn’t said much more than a quiet “Hey,” and then went straight to carrying stuff out to the moving truck on the street. There hadn’t been any more laughter or funny stories then.
But there had been tears. Silent tears as they carried away pieces of their dad’s life and put it in a truck. And through all this Marc just kept quietly working, staying out of the way. At one point he’d placed a hand on Luke’s shoulder and Luke had turned, shook his head, and bear hugged Marc. Sera fled back into the apartment, unable to meet Marc’s eyes. Unable to forget that she was to blame for all this.
For all that his presence was a reminder of her guilt, she was still inexplicably drawn to him. Her heart wanted to be with him even as her mind balked. And she couldn’t reconcile the two.
Or, more accurately, she couldn’t convince her heart to stop caring, to stop yearning. She knew her heart was wrong, her mind was right. She couldn’t be with him. She couldn’t date him. She couldn’t fall in love with him.
If only her heart would listen.
“Hey,” she said as she unlocked her door and tossed her bag inside.
“Hey, yourself.” He had the most beautiful grin, and looked goofy-happy to see her. Oh, boy, this was not going to be easy.
“What are you up to this afternoon?” he said, and her heart felt as if it were trying to break free it was beating so hard.
“Marc…” She’d been practicing this speech, but now that he was here, standing so close, she was at a loss. How was she actually going to do this? Her heart didn’t want to. She wanted him. Wanted to be with him.
“Uh-oh,” he said, and his face fell.
“Yeah,” Sera said. “About my dad. Do you remember that I was supposed to meet him that afternoon? The afternoon we went for coffee?” He nodded. “Yeah, well, that’s when he died. And if I’d been with him—” Instantly tears choked her. She couldn’t speak. She hadn’t said this out loud to anyone, not even Luke, she’d just lived with it herself. The horror of what she’d done.
“Hey.” He was suddenly right there in front of her with open arms. She leaned into him and his arms closed around her, cutting off the rest of the world. She felt cocooned. Sheltered. Secure. The wall of his strong arms and body hiding her from everyone, everything. She wrapped her arms around his waist, pressed her head against his chest, and listened to the slow, steady thumping as she held on. Marc gently stroked her hair, rested his chin on the top of her head, and just let her cry.
It took several minutes for her to breathe normally again. She stood there, in the circle of his arms, and it felt so good to be there. Too good. She didn’t deserve this kindness. But she didn’t move. She wanted this moment to last forever.
“Boo-hoo-hoo,” Naomi called out from several cars away as she unlocked her door and tossed her backpack inside.
Sera stiffened, turned her incredulous face toward Naomi.
“You’re milking this too much.” Naomi slid into her seat, closed the door. She started the engine and rolled down the window. “Run while you can, pretty boy. She’s not normal.” And she drove off.
Sera couldn’t move.
“Hey.” Marc stroked her cheek with one finger. She turned to look back up at him. “Don’t listen to her. I’m here,” he said. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
Sera buried her face in his chest again and closed her eyes. Naomi could go to hell. She had Marc.
Except she couldn’t have Marc. She placed her hand on his back and pushed a feeling into him. You don’t want to be with me.
“Yes, I do,” he said.
Sera froze. She hadn’t said it out loud. Had she? She was almost certain he’d responded as if he’d heard her say it.
Her mind raced and her breath came in gasps. She thought back and wasn’t sure. Maybe she’d accidentally spoken the words out loud. She was stressed and upset—it was possible.
When she found her voice it was a whisper. “I can’t do this,” she said into his shoulder. “My life feels like it’s spinning. There’s just too much, and I just can’t do this with you right now.”
His voice vibrated in her head when he spoke. “You don’t want to?”
“I do want to. But I can’t.”
“Maybe I can help?”
Sera shook her head, still holding on to him. “I should have been there, Marc. He wouldn’t have died if I’d been there.”
“You can’t know that for sure,” he said, leaning back so he could see her face. He looked like he was waiting for her to disagree.
She looked away. “No, I can’t. You’re right.” God, she hated lying to him. Another reason she needed out. Now. “But, still. I know it. In my heart.”
He gazed at her in silence for a few moments. “Can we be friends, then?”
Sera breathed. Friends. That was likely to lead to the same problem of being distracted or tempted away when she was needed elsewhere. Although not, she supposed, if he simply tagged along when she was with Luke and Fey after school and on the weekends. If he wasn’t asking her out, then perhaps it would work okay.
But then there’s the lying she’d have to do. She wasn’t thrilled with tha
t. She wasn’t sure she could handle anymore guilt right now. But still, she wanted him around.
She didn’t know what to say to him and looked up into his face. He looked so sad and she almost thought she saw a touch of panic in his eyes. She placed her palms on his chest and immediately felt the healing light flow down her arms and into his body. He relaxed and seemed to brighten—which made her happy and sad simultaneously. She was glad to make him feel better, but there was something nice about being pined for.
She let go and took a couple of steps back. Already she missed the feel of him, but she knew she was better off out of his reach, out of his arms. She watched his hands, watched as he rubbed his thumb up and down his index finger, as if he were nervous. She looked up at his face, and he didn’t meet her eyes for any length of time. He kept scanning around her, behind her, in the trees, around the other cars.
“I’d like to be friends,” she said, which was honest without promising anything. Then Sera spotted Fey crossing the parking lot toward them. She’d never been happier to see her.
Marc watched Fey cross between him and Sera as she put her backpack into Luke and Sera’s car. He caught the look they exchanged, but he had no way of knowing their thoughts. Not even Fey’s when she was standing this close to Sera. Fey eyed him with suspicion, and he grinned amiably back at her. Maybe if she thought he were an idiot she’d hate him less.
And now he needed to figure out how he was going to get the information the Shadows wanted. He needed to be in there. He needed to be trusted. If he was going to prove without a doubt that she and Luke were the ones they sought. He needed them if he was ever going to be free of the Shadows, free of the headaches, free of the noise in his head. He needed them if he wanted a life.
He did.
But at what expense? He cursed his little inner voice that kept asking him that question. The little voice that didn’t seem to recall the debilitating pain and torturous racket in his head.