by Marc Leavitt
Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1: The Last Desire
Chapter 2: Seeing The Void
Chapter 3: The One and the Many
Chapter 4: The Suicide Mission
Chapter 5: Enlightenment
Chapter 6: The Final Vision
Chapter 7: After The End
Reality Publishers
Enlightenment:
Behind the Scenes
Marc Leavitt
Reality Publishers
PO Box 143
Roseland, VA 22967
Copyright © 2012 by Marc Leavitt
ISBN: 978-0-9881736-9-9
Cover Design: Marc Leavitt
Cover Art: Mark Martel (MartelArt.com)
Interior Art Design: Marc Leavitt
Interior Art: Mark Martel
Editor: Jeff Palley ([email protected])
eBook Conversion: Ebook Perfection (Jeff Palley)
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Dedication
For Sherry and Sabrina.
Thank you for filling my scene
with love, laughter and beauty.
INTRODUCTION
Is it possible to map the directions to a Void? Is it conceivable that one can point to the abyss? Just maybe, it can be done, and here is how I propose to do it.
It starts with the recounting of my personal quest for ‘Spiritual Enlightenment,’ which can also serve as a roadmap for any human being who takes the spiritual journey seriously.
This story centers on the peak period of my spiritual journey just after returning home from a weeklong meditation retreat at the world renowned ‘Monroe Institute.’ I had been home less than a week after attending one of their advanced programs when, without warning, I began to have profound Visions while living out my day-to-day life. I could be taking a walk with my wife and daughter or going about my daily routine at work when I would find myself spontaneously thrust into a vastly more expansive perspective that placed my entire world in a wholly new context. These Visions were progressive in nature as they clearly and pointedly demonstrated to me the Grand Design of Reality.
Some of these Visions were existentially devastating and some were downright terrifying, as they exposed the true nature of the ‘self’. Others were so blissful that they could only be tolerated for brief moments. Ultimately, they coalesced to reveal a model of Reality that is as elegant in its simplicity as it is mind-numbing in its implications. In this book, I outline a play-by-play account of how four of these Visions shaped a new understanding regarding the true architecture of Reality and how this understanding resolves some of our greatest philosophical paradoxes, such as the relationship between mind and matter or God and the world. Given the universal nature of these experiences, there are opportunities throughout the book for you to verify each truth for yourself.
I wrote this book to demystify the subject of Enlightenment. There are already many excellent books on the subject of Enlightenment otherwise known as ‘Nondual Wisdom.’ However, what is missing is a book that chronicles the day-to-day, month-to-month, and year-to-year unfolding of the Self in detail. This book is a very personal account of an incredibly impersonal process, broken down step by step and presented almost in slow motion. The reader is invited on a journey that chronicles each step along the path to Enlightenment. The details of the climactic experience itself and the final understanding that results from undergoing such a radical and permanent shift in perspective is where I intend to lead you.
It is also my hope that this book will demonstrate how the experience of Enlightenment is not something mythical — a fable belonging to some other time or place — but an actual shift in perspective that is available right here and now to anyone who is curious enough to explore the true nature of ‘being’. I speak to you from the point of view that we all share the human experience and when we explore the depths of our minds we find that the same treasure awaits us all. The fact that I am a husband and father with a full-time career stands as proof that you don’t have to choose between a worldly life and Enlightenment.
Throughout the book, you are offered a number of opportunities to verify for yourself some of the subject matter as its being discussed. To be true to my story, I rely mostly on my personal journals, which are individually dated and appear in italics, while my current narration appear in normal type. And so it begins …
Chapter One
The Last Desire
I could have begun this story at several different times of my life but it makes most sense to begin with the day that I finally gave up …
Journal Entry: May 31, 2001
Wherever I was at that moment, it was the end of the road for me. No more aspirations. No more plans. No more security. Not looking for any changes or modifications to my life, I just came to rest in what I already was. It was the single most satisfying and natural feeling I have ever experienced. It was like a complete retirement from the game of life. I had been a spiritual seeker for over ten years and the seeking ended at that moment.
I discovered in myself something that I call the ‘last desire.’ The last desire is to desire nothing. I had spent my whole life waiting for something ‘else’ and now I was done waiting. Now I am 31 years old and have pretty much retired. I still go to the hospital and run sleep studies but I am doing so in my retirement. We have a wonderful arrangement. I share my time at the sleep lab and they share money for food and whatnot. I am not working to attain anything anymore.
Since this discovery of my last desire, I have noticed that I seem to be dying in some quiet way. A big piece of me has already died. It is quite apparent and I can tell that as long as I continue in my practice, I will continue to die. And now that this is becoming clear, I realize that this is all I ever wanted. I would go so far as to say it is the only thing anyone has ever wanted.
Looking back on those words now, a full decade after that particular moment of surrender, I find myself thinking; “anyone who reads this is gonna think I’m suicidal or depressed at the very best.” But the truth is that this was probably the best time of my life, perhaps the very peak. I was happily married, with a daughter that my wife and I both enjoyed spoiling with our time and hearts. I had a great job working at the sleep lab which sui
ted me in just about every way. We had just fulfilled our fantasy by moving out of the city into the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains just outside of Charlottesville, Virginia. Most important, this was also the period when my wife and I were at our peak in terms of our mutual spiritual ‘seeking.’
So, if things were so great. Then why, you must be wondering, would the prospect of death be described in such glowing terms? Well, in order to answer that question, I’ll have to go back to 1990 when all this spiritual stuff first began. I was in my second year of college and I still had no clue as to who I was, what I wanted to do, or what the hell I was even doing in college. I was basically just hiding out and putting off the real world as long as I could. Perhaps this sounds familiar.
One day while waiting in line at a convenience store, my eyes were drawn to the cover of the latest issue of Life magazine. On its cover was a photograph of deep space overlaid with the simple question, “What is God?” I stared at this magazine simply dumbstruck. “What IS God?” Why had I never thought about this before? It’s a word we throw around so casually but now suddenly I was faced with the questions, “What do we mean by the word ‘God,’ and does that word mean the same thing to everybody?”
I was brought up in a non-practicing Jewish family so I had zero theological indoctrination up to this point. My only knowledge of religion was what I happened to see on TV, which wasn’t much.
Well, for some strange reason unbeknownst to me, I was compelled to buy this magazine. It was the first time I had ever read a news magazine, let alone plunk down my hard-earned money, which could have gone towards more fun things like pizza and beer. It’s been over twenty years since then, so I can’t recall what I actually got from reading the article, but what I do remember very clearly is being struck by a photograph of some Buddhist monks in orange robes atop a mountain with a look on their faces that seemed perfectly blissful and content.
It was the first time I had ever seen such perfect contentment reflected in another human being and I was moved to question, “Is this what it’s like to know God?” It was the first time I had ever considered the idea that it was actually possible to experience God. And, if God could actually be experienced, then I wanted in. I mean, what else in life could be more worthwhile than actually experiencing God?
But, what DO we mean when we use the word, ‘God?’ Clearly, everybody has different ideas as to what God is, but one thing that everyone seems to agree on is that God is the Supreme Source of everything. Whatever it is that gives rise to the existence of our Universe earns the title of being ‘God’ by definition. But more importantly, I think God, as the Supreme Source represents Eternal Truth. The very truth of our existence. Such truths as: Who are we? Where are we? Then there is the biggie: What happens to us after our bodies die?
So now, for the first time in my life, questions were stirring and suddenly a need to understand Reality became the most important thing in my life. I found myself staring into space and wondering, “What is this place and what are we supposed to be doing here?” I see people running around going to work and raising families, but it suddenly dawned on me that no one had ever told me what we are actually doing here or what we are supposed to be doing with our lives. We all just seem to be blindly following the generation that came before us with no real sense of purpose or meaning.
I became obsessed with the Ultimate Truth. I had to know exactly what, where and why we are, and I was naÏve enough to think that the answers were already there if I just studied the right material. Since I had been drawn to staring out at the stars at night wondering, “What the hell is this place?” I figured the best place to start would be an astronomy class. I didn’t know exactly what to expect. But what I got was a whirl of mathematical formulas and scientific diagrams that got me no closer to figuring out where the hell I actually was, other than on the third planet from the Sun.
My astronomy professor must have thought that I was nuts. But is it that crazy to wonder WHERE the Universe is in relation to God? I mean, we always hear people saying that our loved ones are in a better place after they die. So, is it that crazy to wonder where that place is in relation to the world that we find ourselves in right now?
I don’t think that anybody still believes that Heaven is up there in the clouds. Or, if you fly out in space far enough, you’ll run into Heaven just past the Milky Way Galaxy. So, what exactly is this place that we call our ‘Universe’ and where are its borders that separate us from this mysterious Heaven that we all have been promised… if we do the right things? My astronomy professor offered no answers.
So, since my search for the Ultimate Truth via the sciences was not bearing any fruit, I took matters into my own hands. It seemed reasonable to start looking at my own mind, and my own experience of what it was like to be me. It was a shocking and unnerving experience to take a good hard look at my mind for the first time. Initially, what became abundantly clear was that I literally had no control over my thoughts. They were coming on like an avalanche, but from where? I tried to slow the flow of my thoughts so I could see what was sparking this internal dialogue but it seemed to have a life of its own.
This was a disturbing discovery but it hooked my curiosity for good. Does everyone talk to themselves like this? Does anyone else realize that they can’t stop talking to themselves even if they try? Has anyone ever bothered to figure out why we must talk to ourselves continually? We appear to have perfect control over our bodies and we all assume that we have similar control over our thoughts. But one single minute of meditation would prove to anyone that they have anything but perfect control over their thoughts.
Right now, try an experiment for yourself. The experiment is intended to stop the flow of your internal dialogue; however, what you observe is what you observe, so let’s see.
Verify For Yourself...
Take a moment and watch your mind with the intention to abide in silence. See how long it takes for you to fail in your goal to impede the flow of your internal dialogue… so, how many seconds did you last until you noticed the internal dialogue rearing its head despite your best effort to remain silent even for a few seconds? In fact, did it not seem that the harder you tried, the noisier your mind got?
Well I tried it, and it was this realization that officially marked the beginning of my spiritual practice. I looked forward to meditating every day and soon after, my practice began to bear fruit. After the initial shock at the lack of control and the bewilderment as to where my internal dialogue was coming from, I began to notice that with practice, I actually could control the flow of my internal dialogue in a strange way, an indirect and somewhat sneaky way.
I discovered the method while attempting to trace back thoughts so I might find where they were coming from and what was sparking them in the first place. What I found was that by trying to anticipate my next thought so I could examine it, I was actually impeding the flow of the thoughts themselves. It seemed that the more I looked forward to my next thought, the longer it would take for the next thought to manifest.
As my meditation practice progressed, and the gap widened between thoughts, it soon became apparent that the more I was able to create this gap in my thought stream, the more I would actually start to experience a powerful peace and contentment, something I never knew existed. I found an authenticity in the Stillness of my mind that I had never known in my normal everyday thinking mind. This Stillness, however fleeting, revealed a feeling that seemed ancient or timeless.
It was as if I had discovered an Eternal Reality, a reality that was always there and available to all, but obscured by this constant internal dialogue. For the very first time in my life, I had seen the contrast between the still mind and the moving mind. I felt like I had just discovered a secret about who I really was.
Up to this time I had never even considered the prospect of being able to know myself on a deeper level. Until then, I had felt like there was no depth to being. As a matter of fact, I had no recognition of ‘being’
at all. I had never actually considered what it was like to ‘be.’ Instead, I just identified with all of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that obscured this sense of simply being.
I knew that I was finally onto something because for the first time in my life I was actually experiencing my mind. I had been living with my mind for twenty years but it was only through meditation that I became self-aware. I knew that the more I practiced, the more these glimpses of truth would reveal themselves. Suddenly my quest to discover what, where and why I am didn’t seem so farfetched.
I added philosophy to my concentration in psychology, thinking that this would help in my quest for Truth. However, my academic studies impeded my pursuit of understanding rather than helped it. In fact, it wasn’t until after I graduated from college that I felt able to begin my path of self-discovery in earnest. What I found lacking in the science of psychology or the reasoning of philosophy was direct experience. I didn’t want to just read about Truth or discuss it; I wanted to experience it firsthand. This is why I was drawn to the practice of meditation. I was able to meditate on and off throughout school as the demands of life allowed, but it was only after school that I was able to totally immerse myself in practice and begin my ‘true’ education, the one that actually meant something.
One year after graduating, my wife and I got married. On our honeymoon, I brought a book along that would change my life in a more dramatic fashion than any book that I have read since. I often think back at how my wife married one guy but ended up with someone else entirely different after that honeymoon. She knew that I was into meditation and that I was in pursuit of Spiritual Truth and she could appreciate this as she was a spiritual person even before we met. But what neither of us could have ever predicted was how radically transformed I would become after reading this particular book.