by Chandra Ryan
“Stop making excuses for me.”
“If you don’t want me to make excuses for you, then you’ll have to tell me why. Am I really that big of a bother?” Everything had happened so quickly after leaving Keep Drake that she hadn’t had time to give Shemeek’s words much thought until now, but now they were all she could think of.
“No.”
“Was I no more than an annoying royal pest?”
“No. You were family.”
“Were?” So she’d been right. Too much time had passed.
“Are. This is all coming out wrong.”
“Then tell me.” She was starting to get annoyed at having to constantly drag everything out of these men.
“It’s something private between Shemeek and myself, but it has nothing to do with you.”
It had nothing to do with her and everything to do with his relationship. She hadn’t expected that. “I hope everything is okay.”
“It is…it will be. But I was hoping she and I would have time to resolve a couple things—privately—and when I got the assignment I knew that wouldn’t happen. You’ve seen how little privacy this profession allows.” He stopped for a second and his eyes misted as he looked at her. “But you are family to me and always will be. Never doubt that.”
“Thank you. And I hope you two get things worked out. After everything you’ve been through, I never thought I would see you so happy. It almost makes me believe there might be hope for me yet.” She smiled and winked to lighten the statement but still, her words seemed to put him on edge.
“Of course. I’m sure you’ll find happiness.” But his gaze darted around the room as if searching for something. She was surprised when it finally landed on the half-finished whiskey bottle. “We’re going to be camping for a couple nights and then we’ll be staying at Keep Smy.” Gesturing at the bottle of whiskey he added, “Might want to take that with you. All Smy allows is light alcohol. Thinks the heavy stuff corrupts and strips the judgment.”
Apparently their conversation was over. The change in his demeanor was again confusing. But, since men did sometimes find these kinds of discussions awkward, she decided to let it go gracefully. “I don’t know if I disagree with him.” Turning away from Jar, she quickly packed up her few remaining items, but left the whiskey where it was. “And I certainly don’t want to upset him by smuggling in contraband.”
“He’s a crotchety old man.”
“That he may be, but at least he’s an honest crotchety old man.” Honesty was a rare enough trait in royalty that she appreciated it in any form when she found it.
“Who’s an honest crotchety old man?”
Sara jumped at Kavin’s voice. She should have sensed him, or at the very least heard the door open, but she had been too wrapped up in her own thoughts.
“Lord Smy.” Sara smiled sweetly to mask the sudden renewal of betrayal that swept through her. “Jar was just telling me that’ll be our next stop on the way to King’s Keep. You were quick.”
“Questioned a couple of the usual suspects, but when they didn’t have any answers I decided it would be best to be off. Whether it was poison or not, you’ll be a lot safer once we get you out of here.”
Jar stood and exaggerated a stretch before taking a step toward the door. “Guess I should check on Shemeek. I’ll see you two out by the stables?”
“We’ll be there in about ten minutes.”
The door had barely closed behind Jar when Kavin turned his attention back to her. “You all packed?”
“I am.”
“Good. Here, you can use this to pull your hair back.” He held a small metal clip with raven etched into it. “It’s not much, but it’ll keep your hair out of our eyes.”
The gift, as small as it was, took some of the heat out of her anger. Taking it, she thanked him and crossed to the other room to secure her hair.
“So, did you have a good visit with Jar?”
She didn’t need her gift to know it was taking some effort for him to sound casual. He was so nervous he was actually fidgeting. She had never seen Kavin fidget before.
“He caught me up on some of the things I’ve missed.” She winced at her choice of words. She hadn’t meant them to have the double meaning that they held.
“Really? Like what, in particular, I mean?”
“He told me about Devin.”
His jaw clenched despite his calm nod. “What about Devin?”
“He told me there had been a counteroffer. I told him you had told me about it, but that’d I had still chosen the guard.”
“You didn’t have to lie for me.”
“And you shouldn’t have kept it a secret.”
“I was going to tell you, before I left, but you said you didn’t want to know.”
“Such a gallant offer too. Since it was too late for me to have actually done anything about it. Devin and his offer were gone the moment we left Keep Drake.”
“You want Devin?” His voice was calm, but his fists were clenched at his sides and there was raw anger sparkling in his eyes. The man looked lethal. And, as wrong as it was, sexy.
A small part of her wanted to believe some of his anger was jealousy. But they weren’t going to get anything resolved if she fanned those flames to see if she was right.
Taking a deep breath, she ran her fingers across her forehead as she tried to figure out exactly what she was trying to say. “No. I don’t want Devin. But it was my decision to make. You took that away from me and then kept it secret, Kavin. And why? Did the king order you to keep it from me? Or was betraying me done as a favor?” She paused for a moment to give him a chance to defend himself, but when he didn’t, she continued. “Of all the people—of all the royals I’ve known, you were the only to never treat me like a game piece. Until the day before yesterday.” That’s what hurt. She’d trusted him her entire life. Him and only him. Having that torn away from her was unbearable.
He had the decency to look down at his feet. “I wasn’t treating you as a game piece, Sara. And there was no order or favor asked. The king had no idea Devin is trying to steal you away from him. This had nothing to do with power or the game.”
She wanted to believe him, but she wasn’t sure she did. “Then why?”
“I damn near killed my brother the first time he betrayed you. I didn’t know if I could stop myself if he did it again.”
“If he ever betrayed me again, you wouldn’t have to worry about it. He would be long dead before you could get to him.” Her fingertips caressed the hilt of her daggers meaningfully as she said the words. “What was his offer?” She had to know. She wasn’t going to be caught off guard again.
“Marriage. You would have been the Lady Hunter. He would have financed the rebuild of Raven’s Keep and you would have been able to name two male children Raven to continue the line. After you produced two Hunter boys, of course.”
“Marriage? Really?” It made no sense. If he’d wanted marriage he could have had that years ago. “Why now? I’m no more desirable today than I was seven years ago.”
Kavin quirked an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything.
“In the game, Kavin. My blood is no stronger than it was seven years ago. My lineage hasn’t magically changed. So why now? What’s changed?”
“My best guess? King Davad and Devin have never been friends. Hell, they’ve never even been friendly. Devin heard you were suddenly valuable to the king again and decided to steal you away from him.”
So she’d become a toy to be fought over by spoilt children. Lovely.
Though she wasn’t exactly fond of either man right now, the thought of carrying Devin’s children actually made her stomach roll. “I would’ve said no.”
“I know that now.”
“You should have known it then.” She picked up her satchel and started for the door. “We should get to the stables.”
“Am I forgiven?”
She wanted to. She wanted things to be where they were just that morning, whe
n she was ready to fall into his arms. But she needed time to think things through. Rash decisions had a way of leading to disaster for her. “I don’t know. I need a little time to figure things out. Damned if I don’t want to forgive you, though. And that’s just irritating.”
“Fair enough.” He nodded as he moved toward the door. “You ready to leave Livingston behind?”
“Gods, yes.”
The rest of their group was waiting for them at the stables. Shemeek and Kemah were arguing while Jar seemed content to stand just on the fringe of the fight. He was close enough to intervene if need be, but far enough away to let Shemeek stand on her own.
“Are you calling me a liar?” Kemah asked pointedly.
“Are you calling me a thief?” Shemeek’s posture was relaxed, but controlled anger crackled around her.
“It was in my pack last night and now it’s gone. Someone stole it.”
“And I am the only one who had access to your pack? No, I am the only one who did not, seeing as you slept in the barracks, and Jar and I slept in a guest room at the inn.”
“Maybe we should haul your Rhuevian ass in front of a judge and see how he feels about it. My guess is there would be enough of an argument to have you sent back to where you belong.”
“And where would that be?” Jar’s eyes flashed with what appeared to be anger as he finally stepped into the fray, but Sara could feel nothing but terror from him. It rolled off of him like black choking clouds of smoke.
“That’s enough.” Kavin’s voice cut through the argument, ending it immediately. “You petitioned to be on this team knowing it would mean working with a Rhuevian, so I’m trying to figure out why you have such a hard time with her being here,” he said, turning to face Kemah.
“I can work with just about anyone, but not a thief.”
“I’ve known Shemeek since the first day she joined the guard. She’s not perfect, but she’s no damned thief. I don’t know what was stolen from you, but she didn’t take it. This argument is over. Have I made myself perfectly clear?”
“Yes, sir.” But his stiff posture and clipped tone told Sara that nothing was over, at least not as far as he was concerned.
“And if you ever threaten one of my team members again, the only ass being dragged in front of a judge will be yours. Got it?”
Kemah paled, his only answer a hesitant nod.
“Good. Is everything set? I want to get the hell out of here.”
“We’re set.” Jar nodded to the stable boy who disappeared for a moment only to return with their mounts. She was relieved to see that not only was there a horse for her, but that it’d also been saddled and already carried her supplies. Still slightly hung over, she didn’t want to wrestle with the heavy equipment and stiff leather.
When she was seated comfortably in the saddle, she nudged her horse toward the dirt road that would lead them to Keep Smy. Kavin joined her first. His expression was stoic.
“You’re riding point today.”
She gave the others a quick glance. “Isn’t that Jar’s usual spot?” Riding next to Kavin wasn’t a bad idea. Now that everything with Devin was out in the open, it might give her a chance to figure out how she felt and what she was going to do. But she didn’t want to step on Jar’s toes.
“He and Shemeek could use some time together.”
“Does this really count as together time?”
“You take what you can get in this profession.”
Sara nodded to herself. She could easily imagine how difficult it would be to work with your paramour, to be with them every hour of every day, but not actually be with them. Glancing back at the couple, she wondered if she’d be able to juggle the life and a relationship half as well as they appeared to. Would Kavin?
The question made her pause.
Tomorrow isn’t promised.
Kavin’s words echoed though her mind. The same could be said for anyone, really. Her family had lived as if tomorrow was a certainty and it should’ve been. But then, one day, it wasn’t. So much had been left unsaid, undone because they were waiting for the right time. Always waiting for tomorrow.
Maybe not having that promise wasn’t as much of a curse as it was a blessing. Shemeek and Jar lived in the now, knowing that any day could be their last together. They loved and lived for today, not knowing if the next dawn might bring them assignments that made them part ways—or worse.
She looked at Kavin. Did she want the same with him?
If something were to happen to him, would it be easier to mourn if she kept him at arm’s length waiting for empty promises or would she regret never having embraced today? When they were eventually separated by duty, would the memory of their time together bring her comfort or slowly drive her insane with want of what she could no longer have?
Her heart told her that today held everything she would ever need. But she couldn’t bring herself to trust it. She’d made so many mistakes in her life. Could she live with herself if Kavin ended up being just another name on that list?
“Are we ready?” Kavin asked, tossing a look back at Jar.
“We’re good,” Jar answered. And, amazingly, the man appeared to be speaking the truth. The anger and fear of just a few minutes ago had passed. Either that or he was better at managing his emotions than anyone Sara had come up against since developing her ability.
“We ride hard and don’t stop until mid-day.”
“Yes, sir.”
With that, the small group took off toward the distant hills. They were using the back gate to leave the keep and Sara found its simple lines and understated iron work a welcomed sight—even more so as it closed behind them.
Taking a deep breath of the crisp air that flowed past her, she felt invigorated despite the nagging remnants of the headache and the fatigue from a night of poor sleep. It was barren treacherous ground they rode on, but green meadows were ahead of them and beyond that were the lush realms that lay at the center of the kingdom. Heading to King’s Keep wasn’t the same as going home, nothing ever would be. But maybe it could help fill some of the void—given enough time.
She hoped it would, especially since she had no other choice. Raven’s Keep was never going to be rebuilt. She had to be realistic. In all these years, Devin had been the only to offer for it. And she had meant what she’d told Kavin, she would’ve never accepted that offer. No. Raven’s Keep was gone. It was time for her to find a new home. A new family.
Her gaze wandered over to Kavin as she thought about family. Damn it. Why wasn’t she more angry with him?
He’d been overbearing and had tried to force her to a path of his choosing. True, it was the same path she would have chosen, but she should’ve been allowed the choice.
And, really, how could he have thought so little of her? She would never go back to Devin after he’d betrayed her the first time around. Not for all the gold in the kingdom. Not even for the damned crown. Nothing was worth bedding that rat. Really, did she seem so desperate?
Memories of Ashlyn made her wince. Of course Kavin had thought she was desperate. She had proven she was when she’d accepted the young Livingston’s proposal. Could she blame Kavin for thinking she might repeat the mistake?
Not when she had made so many large ones.
But that still didn’t explain why she wasn’t angry. Why she actually felt a little relieved about not having to deal with Devin or his idiotic offer.
Probably because she wouldn’t have come up with a sharp enough comeback and would’ve regretted it later.
She started to laugh, but then the truth of it hit her. Did she spend so much time second guessing herself that she was actually relieved not to have to make a decision?
She immediately fought against the idea. She liked making her own decisions. She liked being responsible for her life. But try as she might, she was too exhausted for the argument to ring true. Her parents had taught her to think three steps ahead before making any decision.
One must assess o
ne’s opponent’s strategy. And make no mistake, everyone is an opponent.
She could almost hear her mother’s voice saying the words.
But unfortunately, that meant every decision took three times the energy and time it should.
So maybe it was nice to not have to make every decision. And maybe after having to make so many hard decisions, it was nice to hand off a little of the responsibility. Besides, he had only done it because cared. It was actually kind of sweet when she thought of it like that.
Not that she would tell Kavin that. He would take it as permission to make all her decisions from now on. And that was exactly what she didn’t want.
Forcing her thoughts away from the man next to her, she let them drift to the landscape around her. Landscape was safe. Landscape didn’t tempt or confuse her, especially not the barren land they currently raced through. It was scarred and mostly lifeless from generations of mining, but it wasn’t particularly ugly. But it couldn’t be mistaken as lovely, either. It didn’t even have the beauty of the deserts she had seen. No sculpted sand dunes or flower adorned cacti in this wasteland, just scraggly weeds clinging to life in the shadows of shallow crevices and small, scaly rodents scurrying around hoping to find shelter.
It was a desire she could sympathize with. The sun was only nearing its zenith, but already she couldn’t resist the urge to shift in the saddle. She was starting to feel the strain of the ride—wish for the comfort of her sleeping pallet. And that wasn’t good this early in the day.
She should’ve taken Kavin on his word and drunk the entire glass of willow and water. Or, even better, she should’ve gone to sleep last night instead of drinking that damned whiskey.
Kavin glanced over at her as she shifted again. His eyes held a gentle concern that made her sit up straighter. “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m fine.” She could do this. She would do this.
But he motioned the others and slowed his horse to a walk anyway.
“I said I was fine.”