by C. M. King
We stood for a few moments, the silence almost deafening. I bit the inside of my cheek, the blood was a welcoming distraction from the intensity of being this close to him. He smiled softly, quickly wincing with pain. I grimaced, imagining how sore it was.
His lip brought back memories of the first time we ever met. The first moment I looked deep into his beautiful blue hypnotic eyes. He was so sweet and caring towards me that day, but he was not that same person now, that day seemed so far away. I knew I had to come to terms with that, if I was ever to stand a chance of moving on.
“Iz,” he whispered. He licked his dry lips, quickly wincing again with the pain.
I gasped, hearing him say my name. My legs almost buckled underneath me. It was always the same reaction and I hated the control he weaved over me.
“I know I’ve said it before but I’m so sorry, I miss our chats, hanging out together. Please say you’ll forgive me, I couldn’t stand it if you hated me forever.” His eyes glazed over as he stood waiting, with baited breath for my reply.
I wanted to console him, my fingers itched to touch him, to soothe and comfort him. My heart ached for all the pain he had endured, but I also knew the pain he had inflicted on me, with his own destructive actions. I had to distance myself to protect my own heart. I had to become my number one priority, even if it killed me in doing so.
I stood summoning up the courage, to say the words I knew would break me. “I’m fine Joel, you’re right we shouldn’t be together. I deserve someone that will love and treat me with the respect I deserve. I always thought deep down I wasn’t good enough for you but now I know it’s the other way round, you’re not good enough for me. You treat women like pieces of meat, you mess with their heads for your own enjoyment, it’s cruel and I see that now. I thought I was the one that could make you see the light, the one that you would fall in love with. I envisaged a future with you but it was all just a pipe dream and now I’m wide-awake. You go out and enjoy yourself, sleep with as many women as you want. I’m over it. I’m over you.”
His face dropped in surprise and tears pricked his eyes. His wounded look brought my heart to a stand still. But I had to stay strong. Being near him made my whole body come alive, I hated how it betrayed me. I yearned for his company, I missed the times we shared together, our conversations, our jokes. I missed the way he looked at me.
I missed him full stop.
I picked up my bag and side stepped him, keeping my eyes forward. I didn’t look back. Chanting over and over to stay strong, until I was at a safe enough distance away from him.
* * *
I stared into the dark abyss. Every night was the same, hour after hour. It became my routine. I was destined to never appreciate the feeling of having a full night’s sleep ever again.
My stomach grumbled demanding food. I’d barely eaten for months now; my appetite had slowly diminished. But maybe tonight would be different. I sighed and uncurled the duvet back, giving into its demands and headed downstairs.
The air was cool as I sat curled up in the kitchen, with a glass of milk and some oreo’s. A smile touched my lips, performing my usual ritual. I loved pulling them apart, exposing the cream, before dunking each section into the milk. The taste was heavenly in my mouth. I moaned softly when the sweet sensation exploded onto my taste buds.
After dunking and eating the third biscuit I heard a shuffle. My body instantly stiffened with fright. I sat up straining my ears, for any sounds of noise. My eyes flicked around the room, paranoia setting in. For a second I thought I’d imagined it, sighing in relief. I relaxed back into the chair, then yelped at the sight of a half naked Joel strolling into the kitchen. Of course even with messy, bed hair and sleepy eyes he still looked gorgeous.
Did he ever look anything but?
Dressed in a black Foo Fighters t-shirt and grey boxers, he casually walked through, continually rubbing his face. He yawned and stretched, grabbing a glass out the cupboard and sat down beside me.
I nudged the carton of milk towards him. He smiled, the pain no longer there. His lip had long healed, all the bruising now gone. His face was back to being flawless, though deep inside the emotional scars would still be with him.
I smiled back, until he leaned over to grab an oreo. Then my smile quickly vanished.
What the hell?
“Errrm what do you think you’re doing?” I asked, arching an eyebrow.
Joel paused, then smiled. “I’m having a biscuit,” he said in a matter of fact way.
Now I was annoyed.
“Pffttt, I don’t think so these are mine. Mum buys me a pack every week for me only.” I pulled the packet nearer, to make it even clearer.
“So you’re not going to give me one then?” he asked, looking surprised. I watched as an amused expression crossed his face.
I felt a smile tug on my lips too. “Nope.” I took a slow sip of milk, to mask it.
His mouth dropped open in pretend shock and then he stuck his bottom lip out, giving me those sad puppy dog eyes.
“Oh please, do you think that actually works?” It actually did, but I was not giving in that easily. He was going to have to work a little harder for it.
His face dropped slightly. “I’m hoping it does.” He pouted, looking me straight in the eye.
I felt the same pull towards him again. My heart beat faster at his close proximity, and now at the pouty lips I wanted to kiss so bad.
I could be a bitch and stick to my refusal. Instead I pushed the packet towards him, he grinned in delight while I blushed.
Damn that smile.
So much for keeping my distance.
He dipped his oreo into his milk and I continued anxiously nibbling on mine, as we sat in complete silence.
He finished his final bite and began running his finger along the rim of the glass. He coughed clearing his throat, his eyes seeking out mine. “Iz, I know I’ve said it a hundred times before but I’m sorry for what I did. I will try and make it up to you. I was drunk and I saw you flirting with Rob...” His voice trailed off and his eyes looked pained, returning to the glass.
I sighed heavily, smiling like everything was okay, like I wasn’t still broken. “It’s fine Joel, what’s done is done but thanks for the new bed, the one good thing is my old mattress was so lumpy, so it’s a treat to lie on a new one,” I replied, masking the obvious hurt I was feeling deep inside.
He smiled but the pain was evident in his eyes. He knew I was dodging the real issue.
I sat drawing small circles, my fingertip skimming over the dark polished wood. I was trying to pluck up the courage, to apologise for my own cruel words. “I’m sorry what I said about your Dad,” I whispered. “You’re nothing like him, I was just lashing out, trying to hurt you.” I dragged my eyes up from the table and looked into his, hoping to find some form of forgiveness.
His tortured eyes held mine. “You were right I am like him, I drink to escape how I feel and I sleep with women that I don’t care about. I hurt the people I care about the most. I’m a mess and I don’t deserve to be with anyone.” His honesty shocked me, admitting he wasn’t worthy to be with anyone broke my heart. I was beginning to see just how deep his insecurities actually went.
“Do you want a girlfriend Joel?” The question left my lips, before my brain even engaged what I was asking, but I had to know the truth.
He frowned and his eyes dropped down to the table. “I don’t know Iz, I’d just be a big disappointment to whoever it was. I’m no good and maybe that’s why I deserve to be used. I don’t deserve love, I’ve always known that and I accept it.” He closed his eyes, hanging his head. The shadow from the light completely covered his face. He was trapped in a world of darkness he couldn’t escape from and I knew I couldn’t sit back any longer and pretend I didn’t care.
I took hold of his hand and his head snapped up with the contact. He looked deeply into my eyes, silently asking what I was doing.
I stroked his hand, reassuring him I wa
s here, losing myself in the sadness of his eyes. I fell so deep, I almost forget to breathe. It was easy to forget around Joel.
“Everyone deserves to be loved Joel, you more than others. You lost your Mum at such a young age and you’ve never got it from your Dad, but we all love and care for you.”
He smiled squeezing my hand in reply, too choked up at the moment to speak.
“You just need to find the right woman, someone decent that will love you with all their heart.” My voice broke, the words almost choking me. The thought of Joel loving someone else was almost too much to take.
“I know the women I go with are just a distraction, nothing long term.” He sighed and I snorted.
Never a truer word spoken.
We continued holding hands; in truth I never wanted to let go. He turned around slowly shuffling in his seat, fully facing me, I could see the conflict in his eyes. He licked his lips slowly and his hand gripped mine tighter.
“I know what I said about betraying Mike, and at the time all I could think about was that I didn’t want to lose your family, but I can’t keep pretending not to care. I can’t hold back my feelings any longer. I have missed you so much, all the happy times we shared together now haunt me. I know it was my fault, I destroyed everything by my stupid actions, but believe me Iz I have suffered. Just seeing your face that morning, the look of hurt and pain caused by something I did, I have to live with that.”
His head dropped down and my heart hammered deep in my chest.
He felt the same?
I reached over and placed my hand on his shoulder, rubbing it soothingly.
He slowly lifted his head up, his eyes now filled with unshed tears. They held so much anguish, I felt tears prick in my own.
“I know you can never forgive me for what I did and that is my hell. That is the biggest regret I will have to live with, but I will love you forever Iz, and will spend the rest of my life haunted by my decision for ever letting you go.” The look he gave me was so sincere but it was his words that floored me.
“What?” I stammered, needing to hear him say it again.
He closed his eyes, the silence once again filling the room. Before it became unbearably uncomfortable, he finally spoke again. “I’m in love with you Iz, and I can’t fight it any longer, it’s killing me. I love everything about you, you’re funny, sexy, smart and that fiery temper of yours just gets me going. I can’t get you out of my head; you consume me. You are in my every waking thought, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
He was in love with me?
Was I actually dreaming right now?
My head felt dizzy trying to process his words. Funny? Well yeah in my own sarcastic way, smart maybe but sexy? Hell no!
I blushed at the very thought.
I flinched when he grabbed both hands, pulling me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. Our faces were barely inches apart, as his eyes looked deep into mine.
He smiled as his hands cupped my face. Mine quickly covered his, keeping them in place. “Ever since the day we met, I just wanted to protect and look after you. You were so young, always so quiet and mouse like. Mike said from the start you were a no go, he would kill me if I ever hit on you. So I pretended like you were my sister, putting my thoughts about you to the back of mind. That’s when the girl’s became the distraction.” He dropped his hands and turned away, but not before I saw the flash of guilt in his eyes.
I pulled his face back to mine, prompting with my eyes to carry on. He let out a loud sigh and his tongue flicked over his bottom lip. My hand still held his face, as my thumb brushed over his cheekbone.
“I slept with them but it was to avoid my feelings for you. The older you got, the cockier I became, wanting you to be disgusted by my behaviour. It would make it easier on me if you couldn’t stand me, but over time it just got harder.” He paused, taking a breath.
“Then when I saw you at the party, all the feelings I’d tried to keep locked away resurfaced, you just looked so beautiful and I just wanted to sit and hold you that night…well until Mike interrupted us.”
I pulled a face, still angry with Mike for breaking up our tender moment. He always had a way of unknowingly interfering.
“Then when you started coming to the pub to see me, spending more and more together, it made me realise I was falling for you. I wanted to tell you that day when you confronted me, but I was too scared of what the repercussions would be. I’ve missed you so much, the times we shared were everything I ever dreamt of. It was nice to have you to myself without Mike being there.” He swallowed slowly, looking away.
I knew he needed a moment.
I continued stroking his cheek, allowing him all the time he needed. His eyes eventually locked with mine and he sighed, dropping his face down. “I knew I would screw up eventually and hurt you. I will never forgive myself for the pain I caused you.” His eyes stared deep into mine, the guilt clearly evident. He quickly closed them, unable to look at me a moment longer.
My thumb skimmed over his perfect cheekbone, slowly brushing over his now healed lip. He gasped and his lips parted. I could see how much he reacted to my touch.
My heart was hammering deep in my chest. I dropped my hand down to his, feeling his rapid beat too. His eyes fluttered open and I took in a sharp breath, seeing them mirror the love he held inside.
“I love you too Joel,” I whispered. Relieved the words I’d kept secret for so long had finally been spoken.
He continued staring, too choked up to speak, as we both got lost in the moment.
His thumb softly caressed my cheek and my breath hitched, when he slowly guided my lips onto his. The sparks flew the moment our lips touch. It was sweet and innocent at first, as our lips moulded perfectly together, enjoying the connection.
Then his lips parted and I shivered. His tongue flicked over my lower lip, ever so softly. I gasped with the sensation, softly moaning with delight. His tongue slowly slipped inside and began caressing with mine. Within seconds we’d found a natural rhythm, and my other hand automatically headed straight to his hair.
I’d fantasised for so long, imagining how good it would feel running through my fingers. It didn’t disappoint, it was better than any dream I’d ever had.
I grabbed small handfuls of the silky, soft strands and grasped it tight, losing myself in the kiss.
He moaned loudly into my mouth, with my over zealous hair tugging.
Oh shit.
Trust me to ruin the moment.
I pulled away worried by his response, blaming myself for my overly keenness. Well I had waited a long time to experience it.
“I’m not hurting you am I?” I asked, feeling confused.
I thought hair grabbing was sexy?
Well it was in all the films I’d watched.
He chuckled at my face. “No Iz, I find it sexy, I was groaning in delight.” He cupped the back of my head, pulling me in for another kiss. Both hands became lost in his hair and we both groaned at the pleasure we were giving each other.
His hand slowly drifted down to my lower back, shifting up my vest top slightly, so his fingers had access to stroke my bare skin.
The sensation sent shivers up my spine, as his tongue hypnotised me with his sensual rhythm. I knew I was falling deeper, wanting more. My hands locked tighter into his hair, the intensity growing between us, my body felt like it was about to burst into flames.
God I wanted him so bad.
Joel broke away first, panting hard. His hand held mine and my face dropped in confusion.
“Did I do something wrong?” I whimpered. Already missing his mouth against mine. I looked deep into his eyes but he didn’t respond.
He shuffled around before placing me back on the chair opposite. He walked over to the sink, filling a glass with water. He slowly sipped it and stared out of the window.
“Joel, what’s wrong? Please tell me.”
My heart was racing in blind panic.
He let out a huge sigh, leaning against the kitchen counter. His hands propping him up, as his head hung low. I sat just staring, almost too scared to speak.
Had he suddenly changed his mind?
I didn’t have the strength to undo this, to ever recover from this.
“Nothing’s wrong Iz, I just need to calm down. I was getting a little carried away…” he said, chuckling softly, his breathing still heavy.
My eyes dropped down to his boxers and there it was standing to attention. I blushed realising how badly I affected him. Then blushed even deeper realising Joel had caught me looking at his package.
Oh god no.
He laughed walking back over, pulling me into his arms. “God you’re so adorable.” He chuckled, kissing my cheek. I nuzzled my face into his neck and gave him a soft kiss, tucking my head under his chin.
We stood enjoying the comfort of being wrapped tightly around each other, as he kissed and stroked my hair.
I was in heaven.
I slowly melted into him, his delicious scent was overpowering. I sagged slightly in his arms and he pushed away slightly. I frowned the moment his arms left my body, mourning their loss. “Right Iz, we need to get you to bed.”
Oh god.
I felt my face flush.
Every fantasy I’d ever had instantly flashed inside my head.
He laughed, placing both hands on my face, so I was staring into those adorable blue eyes. “Your bed Izzy, you’ve got such a dirty mind sometimes.” He playfully shook his head and I laughed, he was just teasing me.
“Just one more hug and then I’ll go quietly,” I pleaded, pouting my lips slightly.
He sighed when I nuzzled my face back into his warm, hard chest, as his strong arms cradled me.
This was everything I’d ever wanted, ever desired.
This was where I truly belonged.
Chapter 10 - Heaven