by C. M. King
I cupped his cheek with my hand, my thumb brushed up against his cheekbone. I had missed this face so much. He leaned over and placed a tender kiss on my lips, so gentle I hardly felt it.
I moaned in response, softly pressing my lips more firmly against his. He gently licked my bottom lip before entering, his tongue delicately caressing with my own. The electricity between us becomes intense. I grabbed the back of his head, pulling him into me and he groaned, slowly manoeuvring himself to lie next to me.
Every single part of me wanted him, to be wrapped around him. To feel his body pressed against mine, to touch and taste him and breathe in his delicious warm, comforting scent.
I moaned softly when his lips broke away. He pressed his forehead against mine, as his fingers softly caressed the skin of my lower back. The tears began to fall with the enormity of the last month. Every single moment of pain and anguish came flooding out, with every single tear that was shed.
“Hey – please don’t cry baby. I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying here with you.”
“This last month Joel–”
He let out a loud sigh. “I know…I lived through it too.”
I pulled myself up, to see the pain and anguish shining there in his eyes. I pressed my lips against his to help soothe each other, in the best way we knew how.
We were too busily entwined in our own state of bliss, to notice Nurse Ruth has walked back in the room.
“Gay huh?” She chuckled, a bemused expression crossed her face.
I laughed, as Joel stared, oblivious to the joke. He then chuckled, working out I’d been less than truthful when it came to his sexuality.
His nose tenderly brushed up against mine. “Iz, you trying to keep the ladies away from me?” His words made me blush. I turned my head into the pillow and screwed my eyes tight. “I’m yours and yours only, you have me forever,” he whispered.
The sweetest words I had ever heard.
I heard Nurse Ruth close the door quietly behind her. I peeped open an eye, only to see Joel’s shining with so much love. I took his face in both of my hands, guiding him back down to my lips. I didn’t want to waste a moment longer.
Chapter 19 – The Big O
“Hey you,” I breathed, sinking deeper into the pillow, watching as Joel strolled back into the room. I was feeling drained after the long, intense conversation with my Mother. Her reaction to my injury had been way over board. It had taken a lot of calming down, even reassurances from the Doctor himself had barely appeased her.
I had received the all clear on the head scans, but I had to remain in hospital overnight. My ankle was badly twisted and heavily bandaged, so I’d been given crutches as a means to get around on.
I had sent Joel out of the lion’s den, before she had arrived. Of course he had put up a protest, wanting us to face her together, but I couldn’t allow my Mother’s cruel, harsh words to crush him. I wanted to intervene first, to get everything sorted, before they got together in the same room again. We had spent an hour talking and despite her dubious look, she left looking a lot happier.
The sight of Joel alone brought a smile to my face. His presence brightened up everything that was cold and clinical about the room. His smile was like sunshine and I sighed, feeling the warmth spread throughout my body, welcoming it into every pore.
He shuffled over and sat down in the chair beside me. I moaned softly when his lips lingered on mine. I cupped his face with my hand and brushed my thumb along his cheekbone. His eyes closed and our foreheads rested against each other.
I savoured every single moment, breathing in his delicious scent. I still couldn’t believe he was here. During my darkest of days I never thought it would be possible.
He broke away from my lips, to press little butterfly kisses over every inch of my face. My eyes fluttered shut and I shivered at every single touch, it was pure heaven against my skin. I never wanted it to end. I wanted it to go on forever and be in a permanent state of bliss, but then it did.
My eyes sprang open, when his warm, soft lips left my skin. I was confused to why he had ceased such pleasure. He looked at me warily, his eyes desperately searching mine, almost too scared to speak. I knew the words he was about to say, before they even left his lips.
“Don’t,” I whispered frowning, not wanting to go there. I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to forget.
“Iz, we need to talk about David.”
I instantly pulled away in horror, at the mention of his name. Turning so my back becomes a barrier between us, as the tears began to flow.
“Iz, I heard him say you’d slept with him. Is that true?”
The sobs became louder. My biggest mistake was forever going to haunt me. The bed dipped when Joel crawled in behind me, spooning me tightly.
“It’s okay if you did Iz, we were on a break and you thought I was cheating.” He paused, waiting for my answer. But even after his words of reassurance, I had no guarantee he would still feel the same.
I swallowed deeply, trying to clear my throat. I felt sick at the thought of telling him something, I knew would ultimately break him.
“I went to a party, Elijah forced me he said he was sick of me moping around over you. He said I needed to move on and that’s where I met David. At first he seemed nice and he slowly charmed me, getting me wasted. I just wanted a night off from missing you. I drank to forget how miserable I was and he took advantage of that…” My voice broke and I started to sob again. His arms grew tighter around me and his lips gently pressed against my neck, giving me the strength to carry on.
“In my head I was kissing you, that’s the only thing I recall, the rest is a blank. I remember waking up afterwards and realising what he had done. I felt so cheap and disgusted with myself, I’m not a one night stand girl, all I ever wanted was you–”
My hands gripped his tight, clinging onto him. His body providing the support I needed to deal with the pain. I would always feel safe and secure in his arms, but the trickle of cold tears against my skin instantly snapped me out of my own misery. I was more concerned for his suffering than my own.
I turned to console him. “Hey, I’m fine, you’re back now. I just want to forget about it, he doesn’t deserve anymore of my tears. I just want to concentrate on us, I have missed you so much.”
His head dropped down and he cried hard into my chest. I soothingly stroked his hair, pulling him close and wrapped my arms around him, trying to ease the pain I know I had inflicted.
“I should never have left,” he whispered, clinging on to me tighter, his body shaking next to mine.
“It was a good job opportunity you needed to go, I was just too insecure. The Facebook comments and photos just twisted the knife, setting off my paranoia even more. Then when I heard the message that I wasn’t important, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.” Tears streamed down my face at the memory, remembering every emotion when I thought he had abandoned me.
His head pulled up to look at me, our eyes locking together. “You know you’re the most important person right? That no one would ever come close? Our time spent apart wasn’t easy on me either Iz. I spent the whole month languishing in my own misery. The job was the only thing stopping me falling deeper into my own personal hell, but I need to know Iz, why did you act so cold with me on the last few days of the holiday? What did I do wrong, that you couldn’t bear to let me touch you? It nearly killed me being so near, yet you seemed so far.”
My whole body froze, oh god it was confession time. I gulped down the lump in my throat and let out a deep sigh. I needed to compose myself, before facing the moment of truth.
“After we had that lovely cosy day together you started to act weird, you just left, no explanation, nothing. I waited for you to come back, after an hour had gone past I got really worried and rang your phone, but you’d left it in the cottage.” I paused, taking some deep breaths.
“I checked your phone, I know it was wrong but I needed to know why you were act
ing so strange. I read the last text you received before you left, and it was from a Lauren.” I felt his body stiffen at the sound of her name. “Joel.” My voice broke slightly, hesitant to know the truth. “Are you still seeing her?” I closed my eyes, scared of what his answer would be.
“No, but it’s complicated Iz, we have a history and unfortunately there will always be something between us.”
My eyes sprang open at his words. I could tell by his face he was being genuinely honest, but I didn’t understand why he would still be seeing her. I pushed back from him feeling slightly annoyed. “Like what? Joel, you need to tell me, as I am sick of worrying myself stupid over all these girls.”
He sighed heavily and lay back down, pulling me back in so both our noses were touching.
“Iz, Lauren was pregnant with my child.” He closed his eyes, like the words were too painful to speak.
I gasped with shock. “You’re a Dad?”
His eyes wrenched open. “No,” he whispered. “She lost the baby.” His eyes filled with tears and my heart broke, seeing his pain so raw in front of me. “Every year we meet up on the day she died and remember her, it’s our way of coping. Lauren needs my support now and then on really bad days, that’s why she texted. I left because it hit me hard that day, I was so happy with you and then it brought it all back. I felt guilty for enjoying myself, for having fun, for being alive.”
Looking into his eyes, I saw the weight of the torment he carried around. “Joel, I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that. I can only imagine the pain but you can’t berate yourself for living, life is so cruel at times but you deserve happiness too.” I pressed my lips against his forehead, to help soothe the agony deep inside.
“She was going to be called Katie Anne, she would have been two now.” He started shaking uncontrollably, the sobs racking through his body. I drew him into my arms and let him cry all the tears of grief he had bottled away.
We lay there for a while and I cradled him, softly stroking his hair, giving him the love and support he so desperately needed. My heart ached at the depths of his secret, he had carried for so long.
“That’s why you have the tattoo.” I whispered, unsure of whether I should push the matter further.
He opened his eyes, moving back to look at me. “How do you know about the tattoo?”
“It’s always grabbed my attention whenever I saw it. I knew it had more meaning than the others. I’ve always thought it was something too personal to ask.”
“I got it done the day after, I just wanted something as I reminder that she was here, if only for a brief time and that I would spend the rest of my life always loving and missing her.”
“Can I?” I asked, unsure he would allow me.
He hesitated then softly nodded. I slipped my hand up his sleeve to reveal the tattoo, as my eyes took in the beautiful vision before me. I stroked my fingers delicately along the outline, planting a soft kiss on the part of his body that would always bear the signs of true heartbreak.
“Thank you, I’ve never told anyone else about Katie,” he whispered.
I instantly frowned at his words. “Not even Mike?” I asked, concerned at the thought of him carrying this burden alone.
“No.” His eyes held so much pain they shook me to the core.
I hesitated slightly, feeling guilty for what I was about to say. “Joel, when I asked Mike about Lauren, he said she was your fuck buddy, that you hooked up every now and then. I was devastated, I thought you were cheating on me.” I closed my eyes in disgust. I was so stupid, how could I have made such a mistake? Especially listening to Mike of all people.
“Iz, Lauren and I haven’t been with each other since Katie was conceived. Mike probably thought I was hooking up, when I met up with Lauren. Nothing happened though, she just needed to talk about Katie, and I was the only one sharing the same pain. It was a release for her, as she’d bottle things inside and then go off the rails drinking. I would always try and get her back on track.”
My eyes slowly opened, looking into his sad blue. “I’m so sorry, I feel like an idiot, how could I be so insensitive – but you know I’m here for you always, if you ever need to talk.” My eyes filled with tears, I hoped he could forgive me for my own stupidity.
“I should be the one apologising, I have all this baggage and history with all these girls. I don’t know why you put up with me. I know I don’t deserve you and you should be with someone far better, that hasn’t lived the life I have, but I can’t stay away from you. It kills me every time we’re apart, I love you so much it hurts.”
My hand cupped his face, to bring his eyes back to mine. “Joel, believe me when I say I don’t want anyone else, it’s just you. You’re all I’ll ever need. I feel like I can’t breathe when you’re not around. I can’t function without you. I need you in my life and if you walk away, it would be like snatching out my heart.” I pressed my lips hard against his, hoping my words would appease him. To make him finally understand my heart only ever wanted him.
He pulled away and I let out a small whimper of disapproval. “So what are you saying? That we’re together forever then?” he asked. A small smile played on his lips, as his thumb brushed away the last of my tears.
“Yep, looks like it.” I grinned back, feeling reassured my words had finally registered.
“I think I can handle that.” He smiled.
“But will you still want me when I’m old and droopy?” I pouted the moment his eyes flicked over my body.
“Yeah, I’ll probably love you even more.” He chuckled and I launched myself at him, our lips slamming together. He was taken aback by the ferocity of the kiss but then kissed me just as fiercely back. I moved away and this time he pouted.
“Joel, you’ll always have my heart.”
A tear rolled down his cheek. “And you’ll always have mine.”
* * *
I lay staring at Joel’s peaceful face, my eyes flicking over inch of his beauty. He smiled sensing me watching him and I giggled.
He was just too cute.
“You watching me sleep again?” he asked, poking an eye open.
“Well it’s been a while, I think I deserve to look at my gorgeous boyfriend’s face.”
He kissed me softly on the lips, and my fingers quickly found their way into his hair. “I’ve missed waking up to you Iz, it was my favourite part of the day.”
“Mine too.” I sighed, pressing my lips against his again. He grazed his hand against my cheek and the flash of red from his knuckles, quickly caught my eye.
I broke away and pulled his hand towards me. My eyes fell upon the sight of his bruised, bloodied knuckles, bearing the signs of defending my honour. I kissed each knuckle softly and he gasped, his eyes watching every tender movement.
“Does it hurt?” I asked.
“No it’s fine.” He tried to quickly shake it off, slipping his hand out of mine.
“You know you’re my white knight.” I smiled but he looked away awkwardly.
“I don’t know about that–”
I grabbed his face, turning it back to look at me. “I do, the way you defended me. I will always be grateful for what you did.”
“Iz, there’s nothing to be grateful for, hearing him speak those words sent me into such a rage. I can’t even remember half of it,”
“Neither can I.” I touched my head, wincing slightly with the pain.
He frowned at my words. “That is my only regret that I hurt you…” The pain was back in his eyes, once again inwardly blaming himself.
“Joel, if you hadn’t already noticed I have some anger issues myself.” I pointed to my bruised hand and Joel kissed it tenderly.
“Ahh yeah, I’m annoyed I missed that, but I’ve already been on the backlash of one of your punches before, remember?” He tried his hardest not to smile, he had experienced my rage upfront.
I bit my lip, remembering that moment only too well. “Ahh, but you kind of deserved that.”
I watched the smile instantly turn into a frown.
“I know,” he whispered.
I instantly cursed myself for dragging it back up. I grabbed his face, so his eyes locked with mine. “Hey, that’s in the past, but you’ll do good to remember I pack a mean punch.”
His lips curled up in amusement. “As if I’m ever likely to forget Izzy Balboa.”
“Huh?”
I laughed at his look of surprise and I shrugged, not recognising the reference.
“As in Rocky Balboa?” He did a mock punch but it still didn’t register.
I shrugged my shoulders again. “Who’s he?” I asked, pulling a face.
His eyes widened in shock. “You did not just say that!”
The look of horror on his face was priceless.
“Seriously is it a film?”
He shook his head looking slightly bemused. “When you get out I’m making you watch the box-set.”
“Well that should be fun.” I rolled my eyes at the very thought.
He jokingly narrowed his eyes at me. “Oh no way, no one mocks Rocky.” His hand reached out, grabbing my ribs and I flinched at his touch.
“Joel, don’t you dare! I have a bad head injury.” I pouted again. I was hoping my words were enough to stop him tickling me at all costs.
He instantly stopped. “How is your head?” He frowned and his hand left my ribs, to gently stroke my hair back, staring intently at my bandage.
“Sore but I’ll be fine.” It was unbelievably sore, but I was not about to make him feel worse then he did already. I’d play it down for his sake.
“Iz, do you not want to press charges against him?”
I closed my eyes to escape his concerned face, but I felt his stare burn into me. “No, I just want to forget. Please just let it drop–” I turned away from him. I knew he was worried and wanted to help but I didn’t want to face it.
“Okay, I’m not going to pressurise you but please tell me you’ll think about it,” he pleaded, kissing my hair.
I let out a loud sigh before answering. “I will, but I’m more worried about you getting arrested at the moment.”