by Eva Scott
The look on her face wasn’t what he’d expected. She looked as if he’d suggested they invite Marg and Bob over for a naked dinner.
‘Not into it?’
‘I wouldn’t say that exactly.’ She fumbled to close the newspaper, whose individual pages chose that moment to make a break for it. ‘Damn thing. It’s three days old anyway.’
‘What would you say?’
‘I’d say I’m not really much of a city person. All those crowds.’ She gave a mock shudder. ‘I’m not sure I’d be much fun.’
He nodded. On some level he’d expected this. ‘Okay. How about for a weekend?’
Lexie rose from the couch and gathered up the discarded paper. ‘I don’t know.’ She wouldn’t look him in the eye. ‘I’ve got the farm to consider. Who’ll feed the goats?’
‘You’ve got your farmhands who could come in. Why not invite your sister and her family to come stay for a few days?’
She stopped. ‘Are you completely mad? I have the goats’ welfare to consider. They’d never survive my sister and her kids. Wait until you meet them and then you’ll know what I mean.’
A warm fuzzy buzz overtook him at the suggestion he might meet her family. He gave her his best hangdog look.
‘Okay, okay.’ She threw up her hands, full of newspaper. ‘I’ll consider it. That’s the best I can do.’
She stalked off to dispose of the paper while he remained on the couch, gloating in his tiny victory. At least she hadn’t given him a flat-out no. He knew she didn’t like cities, but she’d be with him and he wanted to show her his world, certain she’d see it differently through his lens.
Truth be told, he missed the energy of Sydney. Every hour of the day and night, something creative was happening somewhere in the city. He didn’t need to be a part of it, he simply liked knowing it was out there, happening. The city had a real, beating heart—vibrant and alive. He’d help Lexie see that and connect with it.
He closed his eyes again, settling in for a good daydreaming session. He imagined where he’d take her for dinner, wondered if she’d like to cruise on the harbour or maybe see something at the Opera House. They could wake up late and check out the new café nearby for brunch. He missed decent coffee. A lot. Just needed to find a solution for those damn goats …
The sun slanted in on a gentle angle and the fan whirred lazily overhead as Geoff drifted off on his own little cloud of happiness.
Lexie shoved the newspaper into the bin. Every atom in her body revolted at the thought of spending any time in Sydney. Crowds put her teeth on edge. All those people pushing past her, walking in front of her, made her feel as if someone was holding her head underwater.
Geoff loved the city. How could she make him understand that for her it represented endless torture?
She wrenched open the dishwasher and began to stack dirty dishes inside.
By now the peace of the country must be getting to him. The quiet would be the equivalent of the noise to her—probably driving him nuts. Why did life have to get complicated? Just her luck to fall for a man who was the polar opposite of herself. City versus country. High energy versus stillness.
She shut the dishwasher door and turned it on. The machine hummed to life.
Lexie leaned against the kitchen counter and watched Geoff snoozing on the couch. These last two weeks had been magical. Her heart and body had woken up again after a long winter grieving, and she didn’t want to go back to sleep. She wanted this feeling to go on forever.
What was becoming clear on a basic level was that they were not compatible. They liked many of the same things, had great conversation and amazing sex, and having someone to share the days with brought her alive. But underneath it all they were very different creatures. She could see it even if he couldn’t. The day would come when they would begin bickering, then grow distant until it all ended in an ugly heap of sharp words and broken hearts.
She couldn’t go through all that heartache again so soon after losing Malcolm. She had nothing left in the tank to buffer her against another lost love. And she knew she could love Geoff. Given time. That was the problem. She couldn’t afford to allow herself to love again. The price had proved too high the first time. Her throat constricted and tears pricked her eyes as she realised there was only one thing she could do.
Watching him now, the way his dark, unruly hair flopped untidily across his forehead, caused a surge of tenderness in her. She wanted to kiss those lips and look into those fathomless brown eyes for the rest of her days, which was exactly why she needed to end this.
She needed to do it now before she got in so deep she couldn’t get out again. They barely knew each other. She could count on her fingers and toes the number of days they’d spent together. It was madness to believe true love could arise out of such a short encounter.
Marg and Bob’s unexpected visit had shown her how vulnerable she was, how much further she still had to go to heal. Now was not the right time to be entering into a relationship with someone who could never commit to living on the farm with her. And she would never commit to leaving it. There was nowhere else for her to go.
Breaking up with him now would hurt like hell, take the skin right off her heart. In time, she would heal. Leave it any longer and she’d run the risk of needing Geoff the way she’d needed Malcolm. Fear flooded her at the thought of going through that kind of loss again. Her knees went weak and she clutched the back of a chair until the dizziness passed.
She couldn’t risk it.
The hardest part would be finding a way to tell Geoff without hurting him. She didn’t want him to leave thinking she didn’t care for him. He had to understand they had no future beyond the immediate. Maybe they’d just needed each other to move past the loss of their partners; maybe that’s why fate had brought them together.
Tears spilled down her cheeks and she did nothing to stop them. She’d let him sleep, go and take a walk through the orchards and have a good cry. Get it out of her system so she could talk to him without blubbering.
Good plan.
She found her outdoor shoes and slipped them on. Her chest burned as if she’d been for a run and her limbs were heavy to lift, as if the blood refused to circulate to them. Weariness made her eyelids heavy even though she’d only woken up a few hours ago. Some reviving fresh air would do the trick.
Making her way quietly down the steps into the garden, she wished she had a dog. Maybe when this affair with Geoff ended she’d go and get a rescue dog no one else wanted and give it a good home. They could take care of each other, help mend each other’s hearts.
Having a vague plan for what to do after Geoff, no matter how flimsy, buoyed her up. She’d get through this. Cutting the affair off before it could become more was the right thing to do, the smart thing to do.
She stopped by the goat pen on her way. Taffy and Seamus bounced with happiness to see her.
‘Sorry, lads, I haven’t brought any treats with me.’ She held out open hands to show them. Seamus nibbled her palm hopefully and Taffy gave her a gentle headbutt before they both gambolled off, back to goat business.
Memories of Geoff’s first attempt to feed the goats flittered across her mind. The way they’d stampeded, rounding him up and cornering him. They hadn’t meant any harm. They’d simply recognised someone who could be intimidated into giving them food, and they’d been right. Geoff had turned over everything he had, which only resulted in him being trapped until the boys had finished eating.
He hadn’t quit. He’d kept at it until he’d made friends with the goats who now adored him, bleating with joy every time he came into view. They’d miss him. They wouldn’t understand where he’d gone, and she wouldn’t be able to explain it to them.
Lexie burst into tears.
After an hour of stomping around the orchard, she was ready to face Geoff. If she didn’t do it now she’d lose the courage to do it at all and then one morning she’d wake up to find he’d left anyway because he was bored, or
disenchanted, or resentful. Or worse still, because he found her boring.
She found him still snoozing on the couch, looking vulnerable and handsome. The lines of his face smoothed away by sleep gave her a glimpse of how he would have looked twenty years ago. She wished she’d known him then.
She perched on the end of the couch, content to wait until he woke, wanting to soak up these last precious moments before she shattered everything.
She didn’t have to wait long.
Geoff stirred and stretched. When he saw her a warm smile spread gently across his face, like a spear to her heart.
‘Hey there,’ he said, his voice still thick with sleep.
‘Hey yourself.’ Her throat caught on her words as if they were covered in thorns.
‘I was thinking about our trip to Sydney …’
Pressure began to build in her chest, like her lungs had suddenly become too small for the amount of air she needed. She had to stop him. Now.
‘Geoff, I can’t do this.’ She’d meant to be more eloquent, but her words seemed to have disappeared with her oxygen supply.
‘Do what?’ He sat up against the cushions, a puzzled expression on his face as he tried to grapple with her meaning.
‘Us. I can’t do us,’ she said, enunciating each word clearly, knowing they would impact him like punches.
‘I don’t get what you mean.’ He leaned forward, fully alert with a look of panic beginning to form in his eyes.
‘I think you do,’ she said.
‘Nope, genuinely at a loss.’ He reached for her hand and she pulled it away. He flinched, and her heart clenched with sympathy.
‘I’m a country girl. I hate the city. I hate crowds. I get anxious and feel like I’m suffocating in a sea of people who all look the same. I can’t inhabit your world, not even for a visit.’ There, it was out. Didn’t feel any better though.
‘We can find a solution. I’m sure we can figure something out.’ He sounded as desperate as she felt.
She shook her head slowly. ‘You know you’d get bored here if you stayed too much longer. There’s no cut and thrust, no business deals or restaurants or cultural stuff.’
‘You’d be surprised how little of that actually goes on.’
‘I can’t live in your world, Geoff.’ He had to understand. ‘Sooner or later we would break up because I can’t stand being in the city and you’d get bored by the country.’
‘Couldn’t we consider something long distance?’
‘What would be the point? Eventually you’ll find someone who likes the same things you do, and you’ll move on, leaving me heartbroken. Again.’
‘So, this is about you being scared of getting hurt?’ Something in him shifted.
‘What’s wrong with that? You know I’m your transition girl. It’s traditional to move on from a transition person to something more solid.’
‘A transition girl? Seriously?’
She silently cursed Bea. ‘You are my transition man.’ She’d started using the damn term, now she was stuck with it.
He stood up to tower over her. She held her ground.
‘You’re telling me that this was a fling to get you over your husband and back out in the market?’
‘Sort of.’ This conversation seemed to be heading in a direction she hadn’t counted on.
‘That none of this,’ he gestured back and forth between them, ‘meant anything.’
‘I’m not saying that.’ Heat diffused her cheeks.
‘You’re saying it meant something, just not enough, is that it?’ She could feel the anger radiating off him.
‘I’m not saying that either.’ Why couldn’t he understand?
‘Then what are you saying?’ He threw his hands in the air and began to pace.
His agitation took hold of her like a virus. She jumped to her feet, shouting, ‘I’m saying I care for you. A lot. I’m saying I don’t know how to be with anyone other than Malcolm. This is going way too fast for me.’ She took a steadying breath and lowered her voice. ‘I’m saying that we both know this relationship can’t survive so why wait for the death throes? Let’s end it now while things between us are still good.’
‘That makes no fucking sense at all.’ He stopped and stared at her with such sadness she thought she might cry.
‘I’ve got to survive,’ she whispered. ‘And I can’t if you break my heart.’
‘I’m not going to break your heart. I promise.’ He reached for her and she stepped back.
‘You can’t promise me that. No one can.’
‘Isn’t your heart going to break now?’ He spoke softly, like she would speak to a nervous animal, trying to get it to calm down.
‘It will crack but it will heal.’ She could deal with the crack. If her heart split in two it might kill her. A risk she wasn’t prepared to take. ‘You’ve got to go.’
For a very long time they stood staring at each other, trying to will the other to give in and change their mind. Finally, Geoff broke eye contact, all the air rushing out of his lungs as if her determination had crushed him.
‘I suppose I should get my things,’ he said.
She still hadn’t moved when the front door slammed and the car engine started. She waited until she couldn’t hear the tyres on the gravel drive anymore. He was gone.
Left alone in the room, their words still swirling like dust motes around her head, she wondered why he hadn’t put up more of a fight. He’d given in and done exactly what she’d wanted. Only now she wasn’t sure she wanted it at all.
Chapter 9
Christmas 2018
‘You’re doing it wrong. It’s in upside down.’ Melissa removed the pacifier from baby Olive’s mouth and turned it around. ‘Flat bit up,’ she said as she gave it back to the baby.
Geoff sighed. ‘Guess I’m not a natural.’
‘Don’t kid yourself. No one gets this stuff straight up. You should see Mark change a nappy.’
‘I’ll pass if it’s all the same to you.’ He loved his goddaughter but was hoping to avoid anything to do with poop duty.
He’d agreed to meet today to give Olive her Christmas present before he flew out on his grand world adventure. He couldn’t say when he’d be back, so he’d brought along a birthday present as well, just in case.
‘Tell me.’ Melissa took Olive back from Geoff and deftly placed her against her shoulder in one fluid move. ‘What are you going to do now?’
He looked around the café, hoping for a distraction. The coffee machine purred as the hipster barista pulled coffee like his life depended on it. The place, crowded with well-groomed twenty-somethings, made him feel past his use-by date.
‘Were we ever this hip?’ he asked as he pushed away a glossy fiddle-leaf fig threatening to poke him in the eye.
‘Stay focused.’ Melissa yielded no quarter.
Geoff picked a bit of squashed banana off his sleeve. ‘I have no idea what comes next, and that’s kind of scary.’ He didn’t mind confessing his vulnerabilities to his ex-wife. After everything they’d been through they were closer now than when they’d been married, an irony not lost on either of them.
He took a sip of his nearly cold coffee. Melissa had suggested he not drink hot coffee while nursing a restless baby. Very wise advice.
‘I guess I’m going to take it one day at a time,’ he said, aware of how lame that sounded.
‘Hmph.’ He knew that sound. Melissa made it every time she disagreed or didn’t approve of something.
‘Go on, say it. You know you want to.’ He folded his arms and braced for impact.
She shook her head as she patted Olive on the back. ‘No, it’s not my place to tell you what to do.’
‘When has that ever stopped you?’ he laughed. ‘Honestly, Melissa, if you have something to say, and I know you do, then say it.’
‘Okay then, you asked for it.’ Melissa sounded as if he were twisting her arm when they both knew she’d explode if she didn’t say her piece. ‘I think
you’re making a big mistake.’
‘Oh, you do?’ Here it comes.
‘Yeah. You sell your business and the house, and then what? You’re going to travel? To drift around the world aimlessly with too much money and no direction? That’s not you. You need a purpose, a project, something to believe in.’
‘Maybe I believe in freedom,’ he said, not believing it.
‘Sure, as in Freedom the furniture store.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I’ve known you since you were a kid and you need to be harnessed to something.’
‘I was harnessed to you, wasn’t I?’ That earned him another eye roll. ‘I’m over forty now. I’m entitled to my mid-life crisis as much as the next man.’
‘Then why don’t you go off and hook up with your farmer gal pal? You could learn about avocados and the great outdoors. Olive could visit on school holidays. You could drive a tractor. I’m sure that’s something you’ve always wanted to do.’
Olive let out a shout of agreement.
‘You know why. Don’t make me sorry I agreed to have coffee with you today.’ The problem with people who knew you too well was that they knew you too well.
‘She sent you packing, yes I know. I can’t believe you let a little rejection hold you back. That’s not like you. I say go and get the girl. Get on a plane and tell her you won’t take no for an answer.’
Olive squirmed and let out an enormous belch, as if in support of her mother’s point of view.
‘That’s quite enough from you, young lady,’ he admonished Olive. ‘You’re supposed to be on my side, and as for you,’ he turned to Melissa, ‘let me remind you it’s been a whole year since that happened and I haven’t heard from Lexie once.’
‘And she hasn’t heard from you so you’re even on that score. Come on, Geoff. Life is short, and you said yourself you felt things for Lexie you never felt for me.’
‘I did not.’ It was just like Melissa to put words in his mouth.
‘Not in so many words. We both know that’s what you meant. Don’t worry,’ she held up her hand as Geoff made to speak, ‘I feel the same way about Mark as you do about Lexie.’