“Yeah?” She leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees. “What’s up?”
“I’m still seeing someone,” I say even though it’s a total lie and she probably knows it. I don’t know why I say it. I guess in my heart I hope it might become true. Because even with Mia sitting next to me, planting naked swimming images in my head, I miss Keeta more than ever. Sometimes, my longing for her is stronger than my longing for my dad. How can that be?
“That’s cool,” she says without missing a beat. “So am I.”
“Oh. Cool,” I say, but it’s really not. I guess I thought she was going to be my stalker until we both graduated from high school or maybe even college.
She stands and stretches her legs. “Man, I’m stiff. I better go stretch.” She points to my icing foot. “Hope it’s not too bad.”
“Yeah, thanks.” She’s almost out the door. “Hey, Mia?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks a lot for holding my hand.”
“Anytime, Abbey. I mean it.” Then she’s gone.
The trainer tosses a towel in my face. “Ten more minutes and you’re done. See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
I wiggle my frozen toes. “No, I guess it wasn’t so bad after all.”
*
After my track meet my mom sets me up in my room and makes sure I have everything I need before she goes to the art gallery opening where some of her paintings are being displayed.
“I made some fresh iced tea today. Here you go.”
She hands me a glass already sweating with condensation. “Thanks, Mom. Wow, you look really nice.” I sound kind of shocked because it’s not often that she paints her nails one solid color and puts on makeup and jewelry. She even borrowed my curling iron to add body to her slightly graying blond locks.
“Thanks, honey. I feel nice. It’s been too long since I’ve dressed up,” she says and then pats my head. “You be good. I’ll be home soon.”
Then she’s gone and it’s completely quiet. I don’t know if it’s my boredom or the injury or the humiliation of falling on the high jump bar, or even if it’s seeing Garrett moving on with her life like nothing ever happened, but as I lie in my bed, I have a sudden epiphany: I can’t live without Keeta for one more second.
I grab my cell and speed-dial her number. But then before pushing send, I drop the phone. What am I doing? What do I plan on saying to her? Should I just pretend that day never happened? I wait for some inspiration. I could tell Keeta about the track meet. How I had to put my foot in a bucket of ice. I realize quickly how lame that sounds. But thinking about the ice does get me thinking about more important things. Like how close I am to getting over Keeta. Plus, there’s the fun I’ve been having every weekend with Kate and the love and closeness of my mom. Why would I give all that up for Keeta when I’m almost healed?
Maybe getting over Keeta is like plunging my foot into a bucket of ice. Sure, at first it’s painful, but if I just stick it out, I can do it, and sooner than I think, everything will go numb and the pain will leave and my heart will heal. I just need to endure it for a few more days, or maybe a week, and then the stinging will stop. Of course, like the ice bucket, getting over Keeta would be a lot easier if someone was here to hold my hand.
Around eight o’clock my mom returns home and checks in on me. “How are you feeling, Abbey Road?”
“Starving and bored.”
“Guess what,” she says, smiling bigger than usual. “I sold three pieces tonight.” It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen her like this. Maybe that’s because it’s been a long time since I’ve really seen her at all. “And they want to see more of my work.”
“Congrats, Mom,” I say, and it appears that besides being my mom, she has a life, too. And maybe she might someday need to love someone else again, just like me. Then my stomach reminds me that if she sold three paintings at $750 a pop, that means she just might be willing to splurge. “I know, let’s celebrate. Who wants pizza?”
“Mmm. Sounds good,” she says. “Call Kate and see if she wants to come. And for God’s sake, put on some clothes. You’ve been running around here half naked since it hit eighty outside.”
I find some clean-enough shorts in the laundry hamper and pick out a shirt with sleeves to make my mom happy. Then I call Kate to see if she wants to come, but she’s already at Mama’s Pizza with her dad and Jenn. I guess everyone is in the mood for carbs.
My mom and I meet up with the Townsends and cram into the booth with them. Jenn’s on one side of me and Kate’s on the other, so I feel like I’m surrounded by padded walls of comfort, and that’s when I get it: I haven’t been alone at all this whole time. They’ve been holding my hand, metaphorically speaking, all year. Then I get a little teary eyed as I look across the table at my mom. She’s so strong and wise and knows more about heartbreak than I can ever imagine, and she’s made it through this far without anyone holding her hand. Why would I push her away like this? Hasn’t she been through enough? Someday soon, I’ll tell her the truth. At least, I’ll try. In the meantime, I’ll admire her for waiting for me to come to her with it.
My mom smiles at me. “You okay, Abbey?”
I nod, but before I get a chance to answer, Jenn butts in with her usual obnoxious sentiments. “Oh, she’s just still embarrassed about her back flop on the high bar. That’ll teach you to lose track of your steps.”
“At least I didn’t almost throw my discus into the crowd.” My comeback smears the smile off her face rather quickly. “And don’t even try to blame it on the wind.”
“How did you hear about that?” Jenn leans forward and glares at Kate.
“I have my sources.” I give Kate knuckles and we laugh. Nothing brings the two of us closer than making fun of Jenn.
“This sounds like something I should bring up at Jenn’s graduation party,” their dad says.
“You guys are such punks.” Jenn punches me in the side.
When the giant steaming pizza arrives, we all cheer, but before our first bite we pick up our plastic tumblers and toast our successes. We toast my mom’s big sales, Jenn’s brush with homicide by discus, Kate’s third place in the long jump, and finally, we toast my bravery. Yes, I dipped my foot in the Ice Bucket of Doom and lived to tell about it. In my head, I also say a silent toast to myself. For the first time since that horrible day at Keeta’s, I really believe I’m going to make it through.
Chapter Thirty-two
Tonight is Jenn’s graduation party, a night I haven’t been looking forward to because I know that Garrett is going to be there, too. I tried to back out last week, but Jenn said, “Do it and die, freshmeat,” so here I am.
Before the guests arrive, Kate assures me everything’s going to be cool. “You and Garrett are mature enough to give each other a polite nod and then mingle in the other direction, right?”
“Really? You think I’m mature? Have you not been my BFF and seen how wrong this assumption is?” Then the doorbell rings and I don’t have a choice other than to suck it up and behave.
So far, the food table and I are getting along just fine, and I’m quietly, yet artfully, piling chips, dip, and brownies on my plate, minding my own business. See, this isn’t so bad, I think. Then, letting down my guard a little, I look around the decorated basement. Bad move. Garrett’s gaze meets mine, and instead of nodding, I freak out and turn around to run but can’t get my feet to move.
A few seconds later, I feel her touch my arm which causes me to jump and my tower of Doritos to tumble. My heart begins to race. Be chill, be chill, I say in my head like a mantra. I don’t want to blow this because maybe it’s not too late to make things right. Maybe now’s my chance to forgive and forget again.
“Hey,” Garrett says.
“Hey,” I say to the fruit salad.
“Look, Abbey. About that day.”
I grab another handful of chips and add them to my plate. “Yeah?”
“I don’t know how to explain it. It just hap
pened. We were drinking, but I knew it would hurt you and I didn’t stop it.”
I nod my head and add another scoop of french onion dip, still waiting for an opportunity to say, It’s okay. I forgive you.
“I’m sure you’re still pretty pissed off at me, but I want you to know I’m sorry.”
There it is. The perfect moment. It’s time to say it, but instead, I shove a baby carrot in my mouth. Maybe her apology is too late.
“I’ve really missed being your friend, Abs.”
I’ve missed her, too, but how can I ever trust her again?
Then I guess Garrett gets fed up with my silence because she grabs the overflowing plate from my hands and puts it on the table. “Could you stop communicating with the food and say something to me? Tell me I’m a bitch. Tell me I suck. Just talk to me.”
I study the dip on my plate, which is sculpted into the shape of a Hershey’s Kiss. I really don’t know what to say.
“Say something, Abbey,” she pleads again.
“Okay. Okay.” I gather my thoughts. “It feels like you did it just to prove how bad she really was for me, which, in a way, was nice of you, but also really, really messed up.”
“I swear I didn’t think you’d come over. I really thought no one would ever find out, which is stupid because people always find out everything, huh?”
I nod in agreement and notice Kate looking over at us, checking to see if I need her to whisk me away. With a slight shake of my head I let her know I’m fine.
“But I didn’t do it to hurt you. I promise. It wasn’t even about you.”
I look at her finally. “But you knew how much I loved her, G.”
“I know. I know. What I did was beyond messed up, but it was about getting even with Tai, not about hurting you.”
“Tai? What does she have to do with this?”
“It’s complicated,” she says, as if that’s enough.
My look tells her that she better elaborate.
“Okay,” she glances over her shoulder then lowers her voice. “Well, you know that history between me and Stef I didn’t feel like telling you about?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it was the same sort of situation, but with Stef and Tai in bed, and me being the one to walk in to be crushed.”
“Chale.”
“Yeah, no kidding,” she says and pops a brownie bite in her mouth.
Her Stef/Tai story seems plausible, but things still aren’t quite making sense. “But you said you didn’t think anyone would find out. If you wanted to get back at Tai, you’d want her to know, right?”
“Yes and no. God, I don’t know why I did it. Tai and I got into a fight that day at school about the same stupid friend of hers that we always fight about, and I was so pissed off. I saw Keeta in the hall, and we walked over to her house to talk and, I don’t know. We had a few shots and I wanted to feel better and I wanted to hurt Tai.”
“I guess you got what you wanted,” I say with anger in my voice.
“No I didn’t, actually. It was weird. Keeta and I are just friends and we should have stayed that way. But you know what?” She looks over her shoulder again. “You’re not going to believe this, but I think I also got jealous of you and Keeta.”
“You’re right. I don’t believe you.”
“I know it sounds stupid, but it was like I didn’t think it was fair that you got to be with Keeta and I didn’t. Plus I was so angry with Tai that day. So it just happened. We didn’t plan it.”
I take a gulp of Dr Pepper and think about her reasoning, but I still don’t buy it. “How does something like that just happen anyway? I mean, you wanted it to happen, that’s why it did. It was no accident.”
“I know. You’re right.”
It feels good to be the one who knows what’s going on for once. Then I stop congratulating myself and focus back on the matter at hand. “Has it happened again?”
“No, I swear. It was just that one time.”
For some reason, I believe Garrett. What else can I do? I miss her and I need a friend who knows how it feels to be afraid of being found out, to be talked about in the halls, and to fall in love with a girl and survive to tell about it.
Then we just stand there munching on carrots like a couple of gay rabbits.
I’m trying to figure out what to say next, but Garrett beats me to it. “You know, she still talks about you all the time.”
My stomach does a cartwheel, nearly rejecting all the food I just ate. Then I feel a pull in my heart that I thought was gone for good. “She talks about me?” I grab a lock of my hair and twirl. “What does she say? What a big mistake it was to be with me?”
“No, nothing like that at all.”
I can’t believe I have to prompt her to tell me more. “So…”
“Well, let’s just say I’ve never seen her so attached to anyone. Whatever it is you guys had was something I don’t think she’s ever experienced before.” Garrett falls silent for a second, eats another carrot, and then says, “If you ask me, she’s still totally in love with you.”
“In love with me?” I feel myself floating again, but before I can close my eyes to fall into my old Keeta trance, Jenn’s mom flicks the lights and calls everyone around.
“Let’s all raise our glasses to my beautiful, smart, talented daughter,” Jenn’s mom says to the partygoers.
“Mom, please,” Jenn whines, pretending to be embarrassed.
“May you be successful in everything you do, and may you always remember how much you are loved and adored by everyone in this room. I’m so proud of you, sweetie.”
Everyone raises their glasses. “Cheers!”
While Jenn’s getting a group hug from her mom, dad, and Kate, I think more about Keeta. I’ve been so close to getting through the pain, but knowing she might really love me is a different story. Why should we both suffer? But still, things don’t quite add up.
“Well, if Keeta’s so in love with me, why didn’t she try harder to talk to me or apologize after it happened? And why did she mess around with you and Osiris and whoever else if she supposedly loves me so much?”
Garrett shrugs and crunches on one of my chips. “I don’t know. I think she’s afraid of you.”
“Okay, now you’re just talking crazy.”
“It’s not crazy. Not if you’re Keeta. Not if you’ve always lived your life protecting yourself from feeling anything. Especially love.”
“Why would she do that?”
Garrett takes my soda and finishes it off before sharing more of her insights. “Maybe because she lost her uncle like that, or maybe because she feels abandoned by her parents. As you know, there are a lot of maybes when it comes to Keeta. She’s a complicated girl. Anyway, I think she was afraid you were going to leave her, too.”
It almost sounds logical, in a totally screwed up sort of way.
“And I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it,” Garrett says, “but I think she was trying to ruin what you guys had by hooking up with me. I think she knew you’d find out and it would break your heart. That way, she wouldn’t have to worry about you hurting her. It would be over. Done with. She could wash her heart clean of you. See?”
No I don’t see. If Keeta loves me, why would she hurt me on purpose?
Then I’m back to where I didn’t want to go, and I’m imagining just one more night in Keeta’s arms. Can’t I have at least that? It doesn’t have to mean we’re back together again. But then again, maybe one night could change everything. Maybe we could finally make love, and I could convince her I would never hurt her. Maybe it isn’t too late.
The crowd of Jenn fans is mingling again, so I try to look more normal and less utterly confused and love struck. “So, you guys still hang out?” I ask Garrett.
“Yeah, she’s freaking out about graduating. She might be playing ball for ASU next year, but who knows. She says she has to stay here and take care of her grandma.”
“Yeah, who knows,” I say and act cooler tha
n I am feeling inside. We stand there contemplating what to eat next, when I finally get the nerve to ask Garrett one last thing. “Could you do me a favor, G?”
“I think it’s the least I can do.”
“Could you ask Keeta to come over to my house tonight at midnight?”
Garrett makes a face. “Are you sure that’s what you want, Abbey?”
“Just ask her, okay?”
Tai walks over to us and grabs a piece of broccoli off my plate. “Hey, Abbey, where have you been all my life? We’ve missed your tallness. All my lightbulbs need changing.”
I laugh but look at Garrett to make sure I get my confirmation.
Garrett rolls her eyes, which I take as a yes.
“But, seriously,” Tai says, “basketball ends and you just drop us like a bad habit. Thanks a lot.”
Is that what Garrett told Tai? That it was me? That I was blowing them off? God, she lies as much as I do, or as much as I used to.
“Yeah,” Garrett says and laughs nervously. “Well, you know how Abbey is. She’s just too cool for us now.” With Tai standing behind her, Garrett gives me a pleading look.
Garrett wants me to play along and keep her secret from Tai the same way she played along and kept my secret from Stef. And even though she stabbed me in the back in the end, I still feel like I owe her one. “Yeah, you know how it is, hurdles to jump, ankles to sprain.”
“Yeah, I hear ya. Well, will we at least see you at summer league?” Tai asks.
“Summer league?” I ask with my mouth full of brownie because I’m too excited to finish chewing.
“Oh my God, you totally have to sign up. We were undefeated last year,” Garrett says while shaking my arm with giddiness.
“I’m so in!” It’s just what I need to get through until next fall. I hip-check Garrett with my butt. “But no suicide lines, right?”
“Coach Riley won’t even be in a twenty-mile radius. I swear.”
Freshman Year Page 29