by Dori Lavelle
A surge of anger flooded my being and the words rolled off my tongue before I could filter them. “Your love is suffocating me.”
Silence flooded the room, making my ears ring.
“What did you just say?” Jude got out of bed and barreled toward me. “Did you just say I’m suffocating you, Haley?”
Pushed into a corner, I gave a small nod and immediately wished I hadn’t. I’d have loved to snatch the words from the air and swallow them back down. But the damage was done.
“My love for you smothers you. Is that what you’re saying?” He tipped his head to the side in question, his left hand gripping my elbow hard for a moment before releasing.
I blinked and he stumbled back as if I’d hit him. I watched the hurt quench the fire in his eyes, and then he sank back down onto the bed. I wanted to go and comfort him, but I was too scared to touch him. My words had cut him to the quick. I knew things would never be the same again.
He dropped his head into his hands and stayed like that for twenty whole minutes. Afraid to move, or even breathe, I stayed put, still naked, until my legs felt numb.
When he finally looked up, his eyes were red. He didn’t say a word to me as he walked out of the room. He didn’t sleep at home that night, which made me nervous and anxious at the same time. I told myself that maybe he just went to spend the night at a hotel to give me space. Space was exactly what I needed.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I needed to tell someone what was going on before I shattered within. I had no friends, but Diana Maliano, my hairstylist whom I’d known for a year, was close to being one.
Jude discouraged me from forming friendships, as when I let people in, I came closer to them discovering my secret. I had agreed at the time, thinking he had my best interests at heart. But now that my faith in him and us was being put to the test, I needed someone else to turn to, someone from the outside.
As soon as I entered Gloss Hair Salon, I instantly felt a weight roll off my shoulders. I inhaled the scents of hair sprays, shampoos, and conditioners. The smell of freedom. The salon was one of the best in Madison and operated on two floors. Over the past weeks, it had become my refuge.
Luckily I had been able to convince Nolan to wait for me outside.
Diana was already ready for me in front of her station on the ground floor, wearing a simple, green summer dress that complimented her chocolate eyes and was short enough to show off her long, tanned legs. Her auburn hair was teased and tied into a disheveled but trendy bun on top of her head. Even in her late thirties, she looked fresh and stylish enough to be mistaken for a twenty-something-year-old.
I didn’t look bad myself. In a yellow knee-length, boat neck flare dress, cork sandals, and my hair falling in waves down my back, I had nailed the summer look. But my insides resembled muddy water that cleared the longer I spent inside Gloss.
Since I’d had her do my hair only four days ago, my sleek, pony-tailed hair didn’t need her magic fingers but I pretended it did, and of course she needed the money.
Although we never went out for a coffee or dinner or whatever else friends did, she was always happy to see me, to tell me about her two little boys and how well they were adjusting after the divorce to her millionaire ex-husband who had left her without a penny to her name. She used to have everything I had, but she lost it all in the divorce, leaving her to start her life from scratch.
I’d never told her much about my life before today. That was about to change. Surely Jude wouldn’t mind me having just one friend. If he found out, I’d just have to convince him that Diana was harmless.
I waited until after my blowout to ask her to lunch at a pizzeria just across the street. The smile on her face told me she was thrilled. So was I. I’d be able to deal with my life better if I had someone to confide in. She had told me once that her husband had been emotionally abusive. Maybe she’d understand.
We shared a pepperoni pizza, and she listened wordlessly as I told her about how I felt unable to breathe inside my marriage. Even when I admitted my fears of falling out of love with my husband, she didn’t judge, just took a bite of her pizza. She chewed and occasionally nodded. She listened without comment, no hint of disapproval in her eyes.
When I admitted to her that sometimes Jude frightened me, she wiped her bright pink lips with a napkin and looked me straight in the eyes. I saw a flicker in hers. “Haley, I know the signs. Once they start abusing you, they get used to it. They start enjoying the power it gives them. If you don’t do anything about it right from the start, he’ll continue until he has made you small enough to crush under his boot.”
I shook my head and took a sip of water. I didn’t have the appetite to eat more than a slice of pizza. “But what can I do? I’m nothing without him … nothing.”
Diana leaned forward and clasped her hands in front of her. “That’s exactly what he wants you to believe. When Antonio left us, I thought I was finished.” She released her fingers and pointed at her chest with both thumbs. “Look at me now. I’m a struggling single mother, but I’m free. I’m happy. I actually sleep at night. And I’m stronger than I thought I was. You have to do what’s best for you. If you’re unhappy, leave the son of a bitch before the handcuffs click. Life is too short. And be grateful you don’t have kids with him to make it that much more complicated.” She touched my hand. “I’ll be here if you ever need me…if you need a place to stay.”
I nodded, but I knew that leaving Jude was not an option. We didn’t have kids and I’d do everything to make sure that didn’t happen, but we shared something that I suspected he wouldn’t flinch before using it to destroy me. The deadliest of weapons. A secret.
Though I wasn’t brave enough to take Diana’s advice, it had helped to pour my heart out to someone. I was able to breathe easier.
When our lunch was over, Diana hugged me and we made a hair appointment for the following week.
When I stepped out into the spring sunshine, the rays slanted through the clouds and warmed my back. I crossed the street toward the Rolls Royce that Nolan drove, but I was surprised to find it gone. My black Audi had replaced it. And someone sat in the passenger seat. Jude. And he didn’t look happy.
I wasn’t surprised that he was inside my car because he did insist on carrying around my duplicate car keys, but he was supposed to be stuck in an all-day meeting at the office.
I dug inside my bag for my car keys. “What are you doing here?” I asked as I climbed into the car. The keys almost slipped out of my slippery hands.
In a flash, he cupped my chin roughly, turned me to face him. He leaned forward and pressed his lips hard against mine, his teeth digging into my lips. He released me suddenly. “That’s how you greet your husband.”
I touched my lips lightly with my French-manicured fingertips, my heartbeat racing. “That hurt, Jude.”
“Good.” His tone was chilly. “Now you know how it feels to be hurt. My meeting was postponed. I showed up here with plans to take you out to lunch. You told me you’d be done by twelve. Imagine my surprise when I didn’t find you inside the salon.” He paused. “What are you waiting for? Drive.”
My heart rate picked up speed, and I started the car and pulled out of the parking space. “I went to lunch with a friend. What’s the big deal?” I gazed straight ahead at the road, ignoring the weight of his glare on my shoulders.
“When did your hairstylist become your friend? I recall telling you that friendships are risky.”
Hot, white anger bubbled up inside me but I pressed it back down. “And I’m being careful. I won’t tell her more than she needs to know.”
“What did you talk about?” I didn’t miss the thread of warning in his voice.
“Nothing serious.” I released a breath. “Jude, I miss having friends. I just need a girlfriend I can discuss girl things with. Nothing else, I promise. Believe me, I want my secret to stay hidden just as much as you do.”
“Are you sure that’s all this is about?”
I nodded and gripped the steering wheel with both hands.
He didn’t say anything more until I parked in our driveway and we climbed out of the car. He waited until we entered the cool interior of the house. Before I climbed up the stairs, he grabbed my arm and pulled me close.
“I just want you to be safe. I’ve invested a lot to make sure it stays that way.”
I nodded, biting my lower lip.
“If you want to be friends with Diana Maliano, I won’t stand in your way. But every time you meet up with her, I want to know. I want to know where you go, when, and how long you’ll stay.”
In short, he wanted to keep me on a tight leash. I wanted to laugh in his face and tell him to fuck off, but the words wouldn’t cross my lips. I wasn’t in the mood for a fight I knew I’d lose. “Fine.”
Later, it occurred to me that I had never told Jude Diana’s name.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“I’ll be right back, Nolan.” I slid out of the Rolls Royce, followed by the skirt of my canary summer dress, which swirled like liquid around my knees. “You don’t have to accompany me inside.”
Nolan opened his own door and towered over the car, gazing at me with his hooded eyes. “I’m sorry, Ma’am, Mr. Macknight instructed me not to let you out of my sight. It’s my job.”
“I need to buy lingerie. Would you like to follow me into the changing rooms too?” After weeks of him tagging along behind me, I’d just had enough of his pin eyes on my back.
I’d tried talking to Jude again several times, but he refused to call off the bodyguard slash chauffeur, claiming my safety was his priority. Did he think I was that stupid? He wanted Nolan to keep track of my every move because he was afraid I’d leave him. And go where exactly? I had nothing and no one in my life apart from him. Just the way he liked it.
“Nolan,” I begged, “I’ll only be a second. Jude doesn’t have to know.” I gave him my sweetest smile.
Nolan gave a small bow and leaned against the car, his arms crossed. He pulled what looked like a folded novella out of his pocket and started reading.
Snatching my chance, I lurched toward the door of the nearest lingerie boutique. I had no intention of buying underwear, but I’d asked Nolan to take me shopping just so I could get out of the stifling house and get a chance to breathe. I’d pick a few pieces and disappear into a changing room, where I’d sit and just close my eyes for a moment.
As I stumbled blindly toward the boutique, I slammed into someone on the pavement.
“Sorry,” I muttered, adjusting my sunglasses on top of my head. I turned to the person ready to give another apology. I froze as I stared into familiar eyes. Last time I saw him, he was just a teenager, but I’d never forget those eyes. I never could, even if I wanted to—rich brown with specks of gold. “Dustin?”
“Haley Bradley,” his voice was deep and smooth. The gold in his eyes glinted, and his face creased into a smile. “My God, how long has it been?” He shook his head. “I never thought I’d see you again.”
“I know … long time.” I glanced behind me. “I … Sorry, I have to go.” As much as I was happy to see Dustin and wanted nothing more than to catch up, I couldn’t let Nolan see me talking to anyone. Especially a man. The news would travel straight to Jude, who was becoming jealous of almost every man who glanced in my direction.
“Haley, wait.” Dustin followed, calling behind me as I disappeared into the store, my heart thumping.
“After all these years,” he said, his voice close behind me. “Not even a hello?”
I inhaled and forced myself to calm down. I was all right. Through the shop window, I saw Nolan outside reading his romance novel. Some of the tension melted from my shoulders and I smiled.
“Hi, Dustin.” I ran my gaze over him. Dustin had been the first boy to catch my eye when I arrived at Falcon High in Serendipity. He was the school nerd with thick glasses. But they hadn’t seen what I saw. I saw beyond his nerdy glasses, his shoulder length hair, and his zits.
The man standing in front of me, wearing a shirt with rolled-up sleeves and a loose tie, was far from the nerdy boy I’d known. His glasses had disappeared and the only thing shading his tanned skin was a dusting of stubble. Under his shirt, I saw a hint of rippling muscles. The boy I used to love was now a man. And my heart still responded to his presence. “Hi.” My cheeks warmed under his gaze. “Nice to see you, Dustin.”
“Nice to see you too, Haley. You haven’t changed much. Except that you’re more beautiful, of course. Scratch that, you’re stunning.” His eyes traveled from my face down the length of my body.
I dropped my gaze and shifted. “Thanks.”
He gazed at his watch and then back at me. “I don’t believe in coincidences. What do you say, shall we go have a coffee and find out what brought us into each other’s paths.”
I gazed into his eyes and my stomach hurt as the words formed in my mind moments before they left my lips. “I … I’m married.”
He raised an eyebrow and then his gaze searched for the ring on my finger. He nodded. “That’s great, congratulations.” There was something in his eyes. Hurt? Disappointment? “I’m sure your husband won’t mind if you had coffee with an old friend … for old time’s sake?” He looked around at the racks of bras and panties. “Not converse inside a shop filled with sexy lingerie.” A small smile tipped his lips, just enough to turn my knees to pudding. Damn, he was hot.
My heart rose and then crashed hard at my feet. “Actually …” I hugged my purse to myself and looked past him at Nolan who stood at the car his gaze fixed on the door of the lingerie store. He was now on the phone, “he will.”
Dustin shook his head and then nodded. “Fine. How about we exchange numbers, keep in touch?”
I desperately wanted to say no. I had to refuse, but my old, carefree self wouldn’t let me. The man I had liked so much in high school had returned in my life and he wanted nothing more than my number. It didn’t mean anything, right? We might not even end up calling each other. People exchanged numbers all the time and sometimes they lost them. Before the reprimanding side of me took over, I pulled a receipt out of my Gucci bag, and using my purse as a table, quickly scribbled my number down. I handed it to him quickly, making sure his fingers didn’t touch mine. His presence was enough to drive me crazy. I wouldn’t be able to handle his touch.
Dustin grinned brightly as he folded the receipt and stuffed it into his breast pocket. He leaned forward. “I’ll call you,” he whispered. “I never could forget you Haley Bradley. I’ll keep in touch.” He kissed me on the cheek and disappeared out of the boutique, leaving me behind with an empty hole in my heart.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I sighed with relief when I entered the bedroom and Jude wasn’t there. Then I felt the sting of guilt for not wanting to see my own husband. I sank down onto the bed and touched my earlobe, the ear Dustin had whispered into earlier.
I closed my eyes and for a moment I felt the whisper of Dustin’s words and his breath caressing my ear and cheek. I inhaled his ocean-fresh cologne. Fire flared inside my heart and I blushed. Eyes still closed, I imagined him as the pimply boy he used to be and tried to connect that with the sexy man he had turned into. The same feeling his presence in high school had elicited in me was still there, that prickle on my skin like electricity.
I sighed again deeply and felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise. My eyes flew open and my heart jumped to my throat. Jude was standing in the doorway, his hands in his pockets, eyes narrowed.
He watched me with an intensity that made me feel as if he were gazing straight into my hidden thoughts, as if he could see I had been thinking of another man.
“Jude … hmm … hi.” I stood up and turned my back to him, unpacking the shopping bags, hiding my flushed cheeks.
He was quiet for a few beats, making me nervous. When he spoke, his voice was not his but that of a stranger, the man that frightened the living crap out of me.
“I h
ave this feeling that something has changed.” He moved farther into the room until he was standing right behind me, his heat touching me. “You don’t love me anymore. Tell me I’m wrong.”
For a moment I wondered if “anymore” was the right word. Had I really loved Jude or just talked myself into loving him out of gratitude?
Jude was waiting for an answer, but the words froze inside my throat. Dustin had reminded me of the girl I had lost, my past self. He had been yet another reminder that I was stuck in a life I didn’t want, a marriage that was killing me.
“Say something,” Jude whispered in the same ear as Dustin earlier, but his words were harsh. “You still love me, Haley, am I correct?”
Before I could think of what to say, something to appease him, a crack broke the silence between us and fire exploded on my scalp, pain like that caused by sharp needles. Suddenly I was yanked backward, stumbling into his arms. I yelped with agony and he released my ponytail. Then as I caught my breath he spun me around to face him. He hugged me tight. Too tight. My breath came in quick, shallow gasps as he pressed me against his hard body.
I managed to force a whisper. “Let me go.”
“Never,” he said gruffly into my hair, and I heard him inhale sharply. “You belong to me, Haley. Forever. Don’t you forget that. I own you. You love me. Say it, baby.” His voice dared me to say no.
“I …” I croaked as he squeezed me tighter, as though attempting to force the words out of my mouth. I pushed against his muscular chest. No chance. My strength couldn’t match his. “Love … You.”
Apparently satisfied, he released me and shoved me so hard I fell to the floor beside the bed. “Good.”
He took a step toward me and I curled up into a ball, my heart pounding loudly in my ears. This was definitely a different man standing before me. A stranger.
“Now, I want you to show me how much you love me.” He grabbed my ponytail again and yanked me to my feet, tossing me on the bed.