by Dori Lavelle
Just when I thought he was done, I felt a jet of something warm and sharp-smelling hit me where the semen had landed earlier, soaking into my hair. Water? I opened my eyes just in time to see him urinating on me. Horrified, I gagged and cried and tried to scramble away from him.
“You stink,” he said when he was done. “Looks like you need another shower.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The marinated tiger prawns made my stomach queasy, and the oriental noodles looked like neglected yarn left out in the rain. From the way he dissected his steak, Jude’s appetite was just fine. I gritted my teeth as his knife scraped the porcelain plate.
Breakfast wound up being lunch because I’d spent an hour locked up in the bathroom weeping.
Even after what he’d done to me, he still insisted we celebrate our anniversary. At first I refused, but his palm connected with my cheek, quickly reminding me I did not have the power to make decisions anymore. I wore heavy concealer on my face and a silk scarf around my neck, to cover the signs of his abuse.
As I sat across from him, I thought of the options I had to escape this hell. Whatever I decided to do, it had to work the first time. I only hoped he didn’t kill me before I had the chance to try. I needed time, money, and courage.
He didn’t say a word to me until his food was gone, and I had hardly touched mine.
Finally, he dabbed a napkin on his mouth and waved for the waiter. Without asking if I was finished, he said, “We’re done.”
The waiter nodded and scuttled over to remove our plates.
Jude drank his wine and watched me from under his thick lashes. He looked sexy and distinguished, the kind of man women swooned over. In the past forty-five minutes I’d already caught a few gazing in our direction. Those women had no idea he was a pig, a coward who abused women to make himself powerful.
“Put a damn smile on your face. It’s our anniversary. Why do you look so fuckin’ miserable all the time?” His words were a hiss through his teeth, but he smiled as he spoke.
I pasted a smile on my face, my right cheek aching from the movement.
“I love you so much,” he said, reaching for my hands. I flinched and he tightened his grip. “When you turn your back on me, when you act as if you don’t love me, you stab my heart.” His eyes bore a genuine broken look. “We were happy once, remember?”
I nodded. He was telling the truth. He did love me, no doubt about that. But his love had become poisonous, twisted.
“The night I met you, the first time I gazed into your eyes, I was gone. I fell in love instantly. That’s why I did everything in my power to hide you from what you did, to protect you. You’re mine now. The sooner you accept that, the better. You belong to me and me alone. No one will ever love you as much as I do.”
“Then why?” I blinked away the moisture in my eyes. “Why are you hurting me?”
He shoved my hands away and leaned forward. “Because you can be such a bitch sometimes. But you’re my bitch.”
I looked away from him. The sight of him disgusted me.
Breaking the pain-filled moment, his phone vibrated on the table next to the bottle of wine. He stood and walked out of the restaurant to take the call.
As I watched his back disappear through the sliding doors, a thought crossed my mind, and I turned my gaze to the floor-to-ceiling glass windows, observed the balcony beyond. What would he do if he came into the room and found me gone? Not gone in a way that he could hunt me down, but dead.
It would be so easy to step out onto the balcony under the pretense of wanting to enjoy the view of the lush garden below, so easy to step onto the ledge and jump before anyone had time to stop me. The chance of surviving a fall from the eighth floor of the building would be slim. And I’d be free of Jude forever. How would he react to losing one of his valued possessions? But I wasn’t that stupid. Even with everything I was going through, I’d never kill myself, not before I exhausted all options first.
“My day has just gotten that much more interesting.”
My neck almost snapped when I turned my face up to look at the man towering over me.
Dustin wore jeans and a sky blue polo shirt.
My heart lifted for a beat and then panic took over. Jude would be back any second.
My panicked gaze drifted to the door. “I’m here with my husband.” The words came flooding out. Under the table, I clutched my knees to stop my hands from shaking.
“I saw.” He leaned down and lowered his voice. “But you can say hello to an old friend, can’t you?”
“Hi,” I said quickly. Sweat trickled down my temples. “Please … Please go, Dustin. He’ll be back soon.”
Dustin frowned. “Haley, are you okay? You’re white as a sheet. Are you sick?”
My chest tightened. I wanted to confide in Dustin, to beg him to save me from my personal hell, but I was terrified. Jude has proven to be a very dangerous man. I wouldn’t want him to hurt Dustin. I had to get through this alone.
“I’m fine,” I lied and forced a smile. “I really am. It was nice seeing you again … last time.”
“You don’t look fine.” He paused. “Tell you what. I’ll leave if you give me your number again. I misplaced it. Please, let’s keep in touch as friends.”
The doors to the restaurant slid open and Jude entered but his gaze was fixed on his phone, maybe reading a text.
My heart started to thump so hard my chest hurt. I tried to swallow but my throat was too dry. “Dustin, please …” Tears choked my voice.
Looking suddenly suspicious, Dustin turned to look at Jude for a second, then he shrugged and walked away before Jude saw him.
I dabbed the sweat off my upper lip with a napkin and sank deeper into my chair with both relief and fear.
Suddenly Jude was standing at our table, gazing down at me. Was there some chance that he had seen Dustin? In my mind, I could already see us back home, I could feel the pain of his beatings.
“You’re so beautiful.” He shoved his phone into his pocket. “Sometimes I can’t believe you’re mine. Forever.”
I nodded but said nothing.
He stretched out his hand, and having no other choice, I reached for it, just the way I had done for our first dance at our wedding.
He led me to the dance floor on the far side of the restaurant. He pulled me to him, his cheek pressed hard against mine, his hand gentle on my lower back, his lips close to my ear. “We are meant to be together. Nothing will ever come between us.”
I said nothing, just followed his lead. I allowed him to lead me right into hell and there seemed no ticket back.
When the music faded, he kissed my cheek and just held me. “I’m sorry about earlier,” he whispered. “You make me hurt you, you know that? When you disobey me, I feel like you don’t love me. Just be a good girl and I’ll take care of you.”
Take care of me? He must have a twisted idea of what that meant. When I walked into his house and his life three years ago, I thought I was safe. He had made me feel safe, fooled me into trusting him. And then he snatched all that away.
I squeezed my eyes shut to hide my pain from the other couples on the dance floor. When I opened them again, through the moisture, I saw Dustin, standing in the doorway of the restaurant. From a distance I detected the confused look on his face. I blinked the tears from my eyes.
He turned to walk out. A tear trickled down my cheek. Would I ever see him again? Would I get the chance to tell him what I was going through, ask him to help? Or could I really do it alone? By pushing him away, I had made my decision. I was on my own. I had wanted to take my time, to plan my escape, but staying with Jude even for one more day would kill me. I’d give myself a week. Just one week and then I’d be gone.
When the music died, he led me out of the hotel restaurant and helped me into the limo. He didn’t wait until we got home before he ripped my clothes off and raped me, covering my mouth with his hand to muffle my screams. Why didn’t the driver hear me?
/> When we arrived home, he ran me a bath and scrubbed my back. He was gentle in bed too, holding me and kissing my face, trying to offer me comfort I didn’t want from him.
The only thing that got me through the night was knowing that I had a plan. When he fell asleep, I tiptoed downstairs and called Diana. I accepted her offer of help.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Saturday morning, before he left for an emergency meeting at the office, Jude placed a single white calla lily next to me on the bed. The flower I carried on our wedding day. It felt like a lifetime ago. He kissed me on the nose and whispered into my ear that he loved me. I tried hard not to recoil from his touch and his presence. But if I wanted to leave him without another bruise, I had to pretend I loved him, that I’d forgiven him.
As soon as the door downstairs slammed, I called Lin and told her to take the day off, then I gazed out the window, watching his car roll out of its parking space. I waited another five minutes until it was a mere dot in the distance.
I had planned to leave on Sunday, but if I got everything I needed today, I’d be on my way. Spending even one more night with him would be unbearable. Of course, leaving him so suddenly increased my chances of making mistakes and possibly leaving behind a trail for him to follow.
As I barged into his office, my legs shaking and breath coming in quick gasps, I forced myself to stay positive, to only focus on how it would feel to fall asleep tonight without feeling his hot breath on my cheek, or his hand between my thighs. I had to try.
I slid drawers out of his heavy mahogany desk and carefully rooted around in them, searching for the key to the safe. I knew he kept it in there. And I was right. I found it within minutes, nestled between the pages of a blank leather-bound book that resembled a journal.
I turned to the metal safe, but to my surprise, I found the door closed but unlocked. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if this was a trick or if he had just left in such a hurry that he had forgotten to lock it. I decided not to question it and just be grateful for the opportunity. Jude often kept a lot of money in the safe. Though he had millions to his name in banks all over the world, I’d heard him say to someone over the phone that he didn’t trust banks.
Taking little time to breathe, I grabbed at stacks of notes and shoved them into the purse I brought with me. I’d not take everything, just enough to keep me afloat for a couple of months before I found a job. Even after taking the wads of cash, the safe was still well-stocked. Unless he counted the money, it would take Jude a while to notice something was missing. I didn’t have time to count how much I’d taken. I didn’t have time for anything.
Hugging my purse to my body, I wondered whether to lock the safe or just leave it as I’d found it. What if he’d forgotten that he’d left it open? Finding it ajar would make him suspicious then.
Still, I couldn’t get myself to lock it, wanting to leave everything as I’d found it. The only thing I did was rearrange the money so he didn’t notice immediately that I’d robbed him.
I put back the key where I found it in the book and tiptoed to the door. Then I felt a draft, a whisper of wind tickling my ankles. It had to be coming from somewhere in the office, but not the windows because they were shut. I turned and studied the far wood-paneled wall, the one with an oversized painting of Jude. My gaze swept its surface for something, anything. Nothing suspicious.
My mind urged me to leave it at that, to just walk out, but I found myself approaching the wall, feeling its surface with the palms of my hands. The gentle wind on my ankles was now stronger. It had to be coming from somewhere behind the wall. I dropped the purse at my feet and pushed gently at the surface of the wall. It gave way, and I almost jumped out of my skin. Recovering from the surprise, I pushed again and it opened like a door. I stopped and covered my mouth with my hand.
There was a whole other room, a hidden room in our home. Why would Jude want to hide a room? Why would he not mention it to me? My stomach clenched as I was reminded once again of the mistake I’d made by marrying a total stranger. I bit my bottom lip. Did I want to enter, to see what was worth hiding?
Before I could decide whether to play detective or escape, I heard the distant sound of a key turning in the front door. A sound my ears had become very accustomed to.
Shit. He was back already? My heart leapt to my throat and I quickly pushed the other end of the wall so that the open end moved forward again and I heard a click. The house was big enough so that I had enough time to get out of the office and hide the money.
I hid the cash in my walk-in closet, under a floorboard I’d loosened last week. Jude’s footsteps were getting louder, coming up the stairs. Relief course through me as I realized he hadn’t been to his office yet. I was pretty sure I’d left traces. I slipped back into bed and made a pretense of sleeping.
A few moments later, the mattress on my side of the bed gave in to his weight. Air assailed my face as he lifted the covers. I opened my eyes a fraction as if too sleepy to open them wide.
“You okay?” he asked. His voice was gentle, his face worried. “You never sleep in this late.” He placed the palm of his warm hand on my forehead.
I swallowed. My heart was still thumping so hard, I feared he might hear it. “I have a headache.” Hopefully he wouldn’t read the lie from my face.
“Poor baby.” He pulled his hand away and rubbed the forefinger and thumb of his right hand together. “Your forehead is all drenched. I’ll get you something for the pain.” he stood up and walked to the door.
“Thanks,” I said softly to his retreating back.
The expression on his face had reminded me of the Jude I used to know, the man who had loved me and swore to protect me. He’d kept his promises. He had protected me from the world. But he hadn’t protected me from himself. I no longer knew which Jude I’d get from one minute to the next, the angry rapist or the caring husband. His moods changed in the blink of an eye.
While he was out of the room, I tried to figure out what to do next. If he stayed home the whole day, I’d never be able to leave. I’d have to wait until Sunday to make my escape. But I swore to myself that this weekend would be my last in this house, in this bed.
He returned to the room with a white pill and a glass of water in one of his favorite crystal glasses. I sat up in bed and he placed the medicine gently on my tongue and handed me the water. I swallowed it in one gulp.
“That’s my baby.” He smoothed my damp hair from my forehead and kissed my cheek. “Things will be better from now on. I know I’m hard on you sometimes, but I’ll make it up to you. Just do as I say, okay? Be a good girl.”
I nodded and handed him the glass. I no longer knew what it meant to be a good girl to him. Just one mistake, no matter how minor, and punishment would follow.
“Say it,” he said, his lips curling into a smile, revealing his white, perfect teeth. “Say you’ll be good.”
“I promise.” Deep down, I made another promise to myself. I’d leave him before he laid a hand on me again.
Jude didn’t leave my side all day. Even when he worked on his laptop or took business calls, he stayed in the same room. When he asked about Lin’s absence from work, I told him I wanted us to spend some time alone together. He smiled and told me that was a fantastic idea and seemed pleased.
Although he seemed to believe me, I still walked on eggshells all day, afraid he’d find out about the money. At one point, he went into his office to get something and fear that he discover that the money was missing crashed into me. I was in the kitchen at the time, and when he returned, I was holding a knife, pretending I was about to cut an apple. In truth, I was ready to ram it into his chest if he even thought of hurting me. He didn’t. Instead he sat at the kitchen island and frowned over something on his laptop screen.
While he worked, I distracted myself by reading a novel, listening to music, and watching a movie. But my mind was far away. All the while I was working on my plan, perfecting it. I’d already texted Diana t
o let her know tomorrow could be the day. She wrote back to say she would be there when I was ready. I deleted all our text messages in case Jude got to them.
In the evening, he hired Mike Luo, one of the most well-known chefs in town, to cook dinner for us, a meal that could have been delicious but tasted like paper in my mouth.
To my relief, Jude didn’t make love to me when went to bed. Instead he just held me until he fell asleep. On a subconscious level, did he know? Did he suspect that in a matter of hours I’d leave him?
Sometime around midnight, I checked on the money to make sure it was still there and before I fell asleep in his arms, I prayed he would have a reason to get out of the house tomorrow.
He didn’t and my plans shattered.
Sunday afternoon, he also didn’t leave the house, and he chipped away another piece of me when he discovered I had my period.
My plans of leaving his life before he abused me again crumbled. But I wasn’t giving up on the chance to protect myself from him.
***
Monday brought me the luck I had hoped for. Jude got a mid-morning call that needed his immediate attention. One of his hotels in Madison had caught fire the night before and left extensive damage. He left the house, saying he’d be gone all day. I told him I’d be out shopping. Before he left, he pressed a wad of cash into my hand and kissed me.
When I was sure he was gone, I called Diana, who was off work to be with her boys during their school holiday. She was ready to help me.
I didn’t have much time. Jude had the habit of returning home earlier than planned.
Apart from a few pieces of underwear, I didn’t take any clothes with me. If Jude decided to come home early, he’d be quickly suspicious. I needed him in the dark for as long as possible.
Luckily, Jude had taken Nolan with him and hadn’t objected when I said I’d drive myself to the mall. Maybe he was finally confident in the power his beatings had over me, that the fear he’d instilled in me would dissuade me from doing something stupid.