by Linda Green
I take another breath, my gasp for air making me realise belatedly that I had been holding the last one all this time. A chill runs through me; my whole body starts to shake. I am looking at a future in which Lee and I get married, at some point in the next eighteen months. There is no date on the photo but it appears to have been taken in the summer; the leaves are green and there are some blurry flowers in the background. Maybe I hadn’t been married long when I died. How ridiculous is that? I go and land myself a husband and then pop my clogs.
A tiny little bit of me, the never-quite-stopped being-thirteen-years-old bit, is elated, is performing cartwheels inside because she marries a guy like Lee. But I manage to block her out because, really, it doesn’t matter. My father has posted this photo to remind him of me after my death. That is what we are talking about here.
Except we’re not, because Facebook says posts from the future are impossible. I am seeing this because I want to see it. I am so fucking needy that I want to believe Lee marries me. And as for the rest of it, well, I’ve been here before, haven’t I? I’m losing it. I’m getting obsessed with people dying and if I’m not careful I’m going to fuck this whole thing up because of it.
I throw myself onto my bed and cry silent tears into my pillow. I will not go back there. I tried to get Dad to promise he would never let me go back there when they let me out, but he shook his head. He couldn’t make that promise. Having seen me lose it once, he knew that it could happen again. And that is the truth that has been hanging over us ever since. Mental health is a continuum. I remember them explaining that to both of us when they finally took me off the medication. There is no such thing as better, as cured. We are at one point on a line at any given time. And a few months later we could be at a different point – better or worse. That is the truth of it. The madness lies within me at all times. It is simply a matter of whether I choose to let it gain a hold.
*
As soon as I catch sight of Lee the following lunchtime, I feel a lurching sensation in my stomach. Here he is, my future husband. I can’t tell him that, though. If I give even the tiniest inkling that I have seen one of our wedding photos, he’ll probably run screaming for the hills. And I can’t say I would blame him.
‘Hi,’ I say lamely, as I get to his table. ‘Am I late?’
‘No,’ he says, standing up. ‘I’m always early.’
He leans towards me and for an awkward second I’m not sure if we should go back to the peck on the cheek of Wednesday’s greeting or the kiss on the lips from our goodbye. Lee takes the decision into his own hands. As my lips tingle afterwards, I try to stop myself thinking that I have just been kissed by my future husband.
I smile at Lee and sit down, fidgeting as I place my napkin on my lap.
‘So, how are you?’ he asks.
‘Yeah, good, thanks,’ I lie. I glance at the table, where there is a bottle of sparkling water and two glasses.
‘Is that OK?’ he asks, following my gaze. ‘I didn’t think you’d be drinking before you start work.’
‘I don’t, as a rule. And water’s fine, thanks.’
‘If I’d thought about it, we could have gone somewhere they do a late breakfast.’
‘No, lunch is fine. I’m not a great fan of breakfast anyway.’
‘I am,’ says Lee. ‘I’d eat a bowl of cereal for every meal if I could.’
‘What, muesli?’
‘No, not that stuff. Coco Pops and Rice Krispies – all the kids’ crap that I’ve never grown out of.’
I smile at him as I hook my hair back behind one ear. ‘I’m surprised you’ve still got your own teeth.’
‘I haven’t,’ he replies, going to take his top set of teeth out and then stopping when he sees my face. ‘Nearly had you there.’ He smiles. My shoulders drop slightly; my body relaxes. I’m enjoying second-date territory.
I shake my head. ‘At least I’m not the only one who eats crap. Are we going for the posh burgers for lunch then?’
‘Absolutely,’ he replies. ‘You’ve got a long day ahead. What time do you finish?’
‘Ten thirty. There’s a later shift that finishes at eleven thirty, but because that would mean we miss the last train home, me and Sadie volunteer to do more ten-thirty finishes than the others.’
‘Who’s Sadie?’
‘My best mate. She was with me at the station on Monday.’ Lee still looks vacant. ‘Tall girl, short, dark hair, wearing a leather jacket.’
He nods but I am not sure he even registered her. I feel a bit bad for Sadie. Not that she’d be bothered.
‘And you don’t mind working evenings?’
‘No, not really. It means I miss all the rush-hour commuting.’ I don’t tell him that until this point in time I’ve had nothing better to do with my evenings. But it does cross my mind that it won’t be easy fitting these dates in with my shifts. Maybe that’s why I marry him. Maybe it’s the only way I could get to see him.
‘Well, just remember what I said about our receptionist vacancy. It’s probably better money than you’re on too.’
‘Thanks, but I’m OK where I am.’
‘How long have you worked there?’
‘Since I left college.’
‘And what course did you do there?’
‘Art and design. I was going to go to uni and do a degree in it.’
‘So why didn’t you?’
‘I didn’t get the grades I’d been predicted. I was working at the cinema in the holidays and they offered me a full-time job. I just thought it was the best thing to do at the time.’
‘And now?’
I shrug. ‘Like I say, it’s OK, and I get to see a lot of films for free.’
The waitress comes up and asks if we’re ready to order.
‘Beef or chicken?’ Lee asks me.
‘Beef, please.’ I gave up red meat for a while after Mum died. Along with quite a few other things. Maybe that’s why now I eat it more than I used to before she died, just to prove to myself that I can.
‘Great. We’ll have two chargrilled beef burgers, please,’ he says to the waitress. ‘And some fries on the side.’ She nods and smiles at him. It is the sort of smile I would give if I was taking an order from a guy like Lee: a kind of dreamy look that crashes into hopelessness as she realises she has no chance. She is no doubt wondering what the hell he’s doing with me. She probably thinks I’m his kid sister or something. I can hear myself screaming inside: Actually, I’m not only going out with him, I’m going to marry him!
I know to keep it inside, though. I remember all too well the looks people give you when you give the madness a voice.
‘So, what films are you showing this weekend?’ asks Lee.
‘The Danish Girl. The one where Eddie Redmayne has a sex change.’
‘I think I’d rather stick pins in my eyes.’
‘We’re putting on a couple of Alan Rickman’s films, as a tribute. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Truly, Madly, Deeply.’
‘I haven’t seen that one,’ he says.
‘Juliet Stevenson is in it. She plays his wife. It’s basically about how she copes after he dies. Only he comes back and sort of watches over her until he’s sure she’s going to be OK.’
I break off because I know my voice is about to crack. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with having this hanging over me. It’s like I’m haunting myself from my grave before I’m even dead. I’m going to screw this up if I’m not careful. Maybe that’s what this is all about. Maybe I’m so scared of being happy I’m inventing stuff in my head to mess things up.
‘Sounds like a barrel of laughs,’ says Lee. ‘Think I’ll give that one a miss, if you don’t mind.’
I nod and smile. A weak sort of smile. Because I’m now convinced I’m on a self-destruct mission. I have to stop it. I have a serious chance of a pro
per relationship for the first time in ages, but for it to happen, Lee needs to fall in love with me. And I’m well aware that weepy women who obsess about death really aren’t considered the best catches.
Our burgers and fries arrive.
‘So,’ I say, picking a fry up off the plate with my fingers. ‘Where to go for the best chips in Leeds? You start.’
Sadie Ward Jess Mount
28 July 2017
You’re going to be buried next week and I can’t bear it. I failed you as a friend, I know that. I doubted you when I never should have and I wasn’t there for you when it mattered. I will always regret that. But I want you to know that I will be the friend you need now. And I will not rest until you can truly rest in peace.
Jess
Friday, 29 January 2016
Sadie’s remembered what I told her. Eighteen months from now she’s on some massive guilt trip about all the Facebook stuff that she told me to ignore. I wish she wouldn’t blame herself; it’s making me feel bad for having told her. I mustn’t mention it to her again, however bad it gets. Because if I do, she’ll only beat herself up even more when I . . .
I stop myself just in time and put my phone back in my hoody pocket. It’s not true. It’s all inside my head. These posts aren’t even there – no one else can see them. I look in the wardrobe mirror. I am Jess Mount and I am not going to die. Nor am I going to crack up again. I am not going to let this take hold of me. I have way too much to lose this time.
Two and a half weeks in, Lee and I are still going strong, which is pretty unusual for me. By this time, my arsehole detector has normally gone off. But Lee hasn’t said or done anything to make me think he’s an arsehole. If anything, my opinion of him is going up every day. And for some reason he appears to feel the same way about me. I’ve only seen him three more times, but that’s because I’ve been working lates, not because I haven’t wanted to. To be honest, my shifts are already starting to feel like a pain in the arse; it’s so hard to find an evening or weekend when I’m not working. It’s like we’re in different time zones, which is stupid, because we’re in the same city. Lee hasn’t said anything about it but I’m sure it’s starting to piss him off a bit. He makes jokes about lunch hours being the new evenings, but I kind of get the impression that he doesn’t actually find it funny. I need to do something about it, but I’m not sure what.
*
When I arrive on the platform, Sadie is already there. I go up to her, put my arms around her and give her a big hug.
‘What’s that in aid of?’ she asks.
‘Can’t I give my best mate a hug?’
‘Are you after something?’
‘Like what?’
‘I don’t know. But it’s either that or you’re about to apologise. You are still coming tomorrow night, aren’t you?’
It’s Sadie’s little sister’s eighteenth. Actually, I shouldn’t call Maddie little anymore – she’s even taller than Sadie. It’s weird though, we used to babysit her while her parents went out, once a fortnight. They insisted on paying me too, even though I was only there to keep Sadie company.
‘Yep,’ I reply. ‘Looking forward to being one of the old farts embarrassing the kids for a change. We’ll probably start complaining about the music being too loud.’
‘And you’re still crashing at ours afterwards?’
‘Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?’
‘Dunno, just thought you might be sneaking off early to see lover boy.’
I look down. I had thought about doing exactly that. My only Saturday evening off this month and I’m spending it with my best mate instead of Lee. He was disappointed when I told him. I explained, though, that it had been arranged for ages. That I’d known Maddie since she was a baby. That she was kind of like my own sister.
‘Lee’s fine about it.’
‘You can still bring him if you want. It’s not too late for him to change his mind.’
I feel the colour rise in my cheeks. I hadn’t actually asked him. I mean, it’s an eighteenth birthday disco in a church hall in Mytholmroyd. Not exactly sophisticated company director territory. And he wouldn’t know anyone apart from me. Plus, Dad said he’d pop in for a bit on his way home from work; I’d have to introduce them and it would be a big deal and Dad would probably say something stupid and the whole thing would turn into one of those dreams where people you know who have never actually met are all in the same room.
No, when Lee does meet Dad, I want it to be private. Certainly not at an eighteenth birthday party in a church hall.
‘No, it’s fine, thanks. He’s probably going to go out with his mates, somewhere in Leeds.’
Sadie nods. I know she’s curious to meet him properly, but I suspect she’s also quite pleased he isn’t coming. I remember what it was like when she was going out with Robbie. I always felt in the way.
The train pulls into the station. We get on and she lets me choose the seats, as usual. She will probably even check on me when the train speeds up or if it judders as it goes around a bend. Old habits die hard.
*
I’m showing people to their seats for Kung Fu Panda 3 when I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I glance at the screen and see that Lee is calling, but I know I’ll have to leave it until after everyone is in. The kids always take a long time, laden down with cartons of popcorn, cups of pop and armfuls of sweets. I swear some of them consume their own body weight in sugar while they’re here.
Finally, as the opening credits roll, I escape and hurry down the corridor, ducking into the staffroom, which is empty.
I call Lee back and he answers straight away.
‘Hi,’ I say. ‘Sorry I missed you earlier.’
‘No, that’s OK. Look, I know this is a bit last minute, and I completely understand that you’ve got something on tomorrow, but Carl is off ill and he and his wife are supposed to be going to this big awards dinner thing tomorrow evening. We’re up for an award for best creative company and we’ve got two seats on the Lord Mayor’s table. Would you be able to come with me?’
I’m thrown for a second. I can’t believe he’s asked me, but at the same time I can picture Sadie’s face if I say I’m not going to her sister’s party.
‘Um, I don’t know. I mean, it’s really nice of you to ask, but I don’t want to let Sadie’s sister down.’
‘I know, I understand that and I wouldn’t ask unless it was really important.’
‘Isn’t there someone else at the company who can go?’
‘Unfortunately not. Amy’s at a PR conference in London, Mike’s at his daughter’s engagement do and Scott is flying to the States for work tomorrow. We’re really stuck.’
I hesitate again, wondering if I could somehow manage to do both.
‘What time’s it due to end?’
‘I don’t know. Half nine or ten? It starts at seven.’
‘Well, maybe I could come and go on to Sadie’s sister’s party afterwards, just for the final hour or so. Would that be OK?’
There is a pause at the other end of the phone. I’m going to end up pissing both of them off if I’m not careful.
‘Yeah, if that works for you, that’d be fine. I mean, I have to be there but I need to take someone and, well, I’d really like it to be you.’
I feel myself welling up. I know I need to make my mind up quickly before I either burst into tears or piss him off.
‘Thanks. I’d love to come.’
‘Jess, you’re a complete star and I owe you big time.’
‘It’s OK,’ I say. ‘I’ll get a free meal out of it.’
‘It’ll be nice food too. It’s at the Queens Hotel. Very swanky.’
I am gripped by the sudden realisation that I have absolutely nothing I can wear to a do at the Queens Hotel.
‘What’s the dress code?’
&nbs
p; ‘Evening wear.’
‘Oh, I’m not sure I’ve got any of that, and I can’t really afford—’
‘No problem,’ says Lee. ‘I’ll get you something on the way home this evening.’
‘No, I wasn’t asking you to do that.’
‘I insist. I’ll get it on expenses. I think it’s the least we can do in the circumstances. You’re putting yourself out to help our company, I think it’s only right we should cover it.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Positive. Absolutely no arguing. Am I looking for size eight or ten?’
‘Ten.’
‘OK. I might send you some photos of the possibilities and you can tell me what you think.’
‘Thanks.’
‘No, thank you, Jess. I’m so pleased you said yes. I’ll speak to you later.’
I put the phone down. The part of me that’s looking forward to it is having an internal cat fight with the part of me that feels like a complete cow for letting down Sadie and her sister.
Adrian walks into the staffroom. ‘Hi, sweetie,’ he says. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Yeah. I’m fine, thanks.’
‘Only you look like someone who’s working themselves up to watch Kung Fu Panda 3 from start to finish for the fourth time.’
I smile at him. ‘What’s the best way to let someone down gently, Ade?’
‘Man or woman?’
‘Woman.’
‘Tell her you know she’ll understand because she’s such a good friend.’
‘OK,’ I say.
‘Let me know how it goes.’
I nod and go to walk out of the room. Adrian calls my name and I turn back to him.
‘Only do it once, mind. Anything more is pushing it.’
*
I wait until Kung Fu Panda 3 has finished and Sadie and I are clearing up in screen two. I still don’t get how people can make so much mess in ninety minutes. Not while they’re supposed to be watching a film.