by Linda Green
‘No,’ I reply. ‘I’ve just left him.’
Her eyebrows rise slightly. ‘Girl, you certainly pick your moments.’
It makes me smile. It is the first thing that has made me smile for days. Maybe weeks.
‘My dad’s coming, though,’ I say. ‘He’s the only family I’ve got. Well, him and this little fella.’
She grips my hand tighter as another contraction comes.
‘He’s not due for three weeks,’ I say. ‘I had a fall. I’m worried it’s hurt him.’
‘The paramedic says he’s fine. You woke him up, that’s all. And now he thinks it’s time to put in an appearance.’
The lift doors open. I am wheeled out and turned left.
‘We’re going to do a quick assessment,’ says Gloria.
‘I told you, I’m having the baby,’ I shriek.
‘I know.’ She smiles. ‘We need to check how far along you are.’
*
‘OK,’ she says a few moments later, reappearing from between my legs. ‘Looks like we’re going to get you down to the delivery suite. No panic, but he seems to be keen to meet his mum.’
‘You won’t let anyone else in, will you?’ I ask, sure that Angela will have phoned Lee by now. That he could be on his way. ‘I only want to see my dad.’
‘That’s fine. No one else is going to get in. You’re safe here.’ Gloria squeezes my hand as she says it. I wonder if she’s guessed that it’s not the giving birth I’m worried about now, it’s what happens afterwards.
I am wheeled into the delivery suite room and put on the bed. I remember it vaguely from the tour Lee and I did of the maternity unit. Lee made some joke that at least he could have a bath while I got on with it. I didn’t even find it funny at the time.
‘You don’t have to stay here,’ says Gloria. ‘I can run the bath for you, or there’s a birthing ball through there, or you can squat on the floor if you want to.’
‘I’ll stay here,’ I say. She picks up a hospital gown and helps me into it, wires me up to a machine next to the bed to monitor the baby’s heartbeat.
‘Is he still OK?’ I ask.
‘He’s fine.’
I shut my eyes. All I see is H’s face, the little dimples, the smiling eyes. And all I can think, as another contraction hits, is how I can’t wait to meet my little boy.
*
I’m not sure how much later it is when there is a knock on the door. All I do know is that I am somehow on all fours on the bed, sweat dripping from my face, my arse sticking up while I am howling like a bloody wolf.
‘Who is it?’ I ask her. ‘I don’t want him in here. I don’t want him anywhere near me.’
‘Your father?’ Gloria asks.
‘No,’ I say. ‘I’m not talking about him.’
‘OK,’ she says. ‘I’ll go and see who it is. Ain’t no one getting past me.’
She goes to the door. It is not Lee’s voice I hear. It is not Dad’s either. It is Sadie’s.
‘It’s your girlfriend,’ Gloria calls out, turning to do another raised eyebrow look at me. ‘Girl, you really do waste no time.’
I start laughing, more out of relief than anything.
‘She’s my best friend,’ I call out.
‘You want her in here?’
‘Yes,’ I say.
Sadie hurries over to me. ‘Hey, you,’ she says, rubbing my shoulders.
‘Why did you say you were my girlfriend?’
‘Had to get past the woman on reception, didn’t I? Your dad’s waiting there. He thought you might want me with you rather than him. That’s why he picked me up on the way past.’
I nod and let out another howl.
‘Is she usually this noisy?’ asks Gloria.
‘Worse,’ says Sadie. ‘Where’s Lee?’
‘I’ve left him,’ I say.
‘What? Why?’
‘Can I tell you later? I’m kind of busy right now.’
She nods and grabs my hand.
‘Go and tell Dad I’m OK and that the baby is fine,’ I say, breathlessly. ‘And then come back and be prepared to be screamed at.’
*
Sadie doesn’t ask any more about Lee when she comes back. And she manages not to laugh out loud when I introduce Gloria to her, just gives me a knowing smile and whispers ‘Madagascar baby’ to me when Gloria is out of earshot. She is, in fact, the perfect birth partner. I am glad she’s here. Glad, when I start swearing, that I have someone other than Gloria to swear at. Glad when I am pushing, scared that I’m going to split in half, that she reassures me I haven’t crapped myself by accident. And glad when she puts her hands on my shoulders as I squeeze a slithering, wrinkled little object out into the world.
‘He’s fine,’ says Gloria, giving H a quick check over before she passes him to me. And I cry as I hold him. My baby. The baby I would have died for, but found I didn’t have to in the end.
‘Oh my God,’ says Sadie, sniffing loudly and wiping her eyes. ‘That’s your baby. That’s your son.’
I nod. ‘His name’s Harry,’ I say. ‘Because he’s the boy who lived.’
*
It is a little while later, after they have checked Harry over and examined me too, that they wheel me down to the transitional care unit. Gloria has told me it’s a precaution, just because Harry was three weeks early and they want to keep an eye on him. Not because there is anything wrong with him.
Dad is waiting for me by the bed, a huge bouquet of flowers in his hand, tears coursing down his cheeks before I even get to him.
He bends down to kiss me. His hand is shaking as he holds mine. ‘I was so worried when Angela phoned,’ he whispers.
‘We’re fine,’ I reply. ‘We’re both fine.’
I see his eyes move to my baby. He bites his bottom lip before a smile breaks over his face.
‘Meet your grandson,’ I say. ‘His name is Harry Joe Mount.’
‘He’s gorgeous,’ he says. ‘Absolutely perfect. Thank you.’
He is silent for a second. I know what he is going to ask me before he even opens his mouth.
‘What’s happened? With you and Lee, I mean. Why isn’t he here? Why hasn’t Harry got his surname?’
‘I’ve left him, Dad. I’m going to tell you why and I’m going to explain everything, and I know when I do that you’ll understand, but I’d rather not do it right away, if you don’t mind. I don’t want anything to spoil things right now. All you need to know is that I’m fine and Harry is fine and we’re going to be coming home to live with you when we get out of here, if that’s OK?’
‘Of course it is,’ he says, swallowing hard. ‘Your mum would have been so proud of you, you know.’
I nod. Dad slips his hand inside his coat pocket and hands me an envelope with my name on it. I recognise the handwriting at once.
‘I told you she wrote a few of them,’ he says. ‘For major events and emergencies.’
‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘I guess I’m getting through them more quickly than she expected.’
*
I wait till later to read it. Until Dad and Sadie have gone and Harry is sleeping next to me and the midwives have reassured me again that no one will be allowed in to see me without my permission. I am sore down below and aching all over and so tired that I am desperate to sleep. But I know I am not going to be able to until I have read what it says.
I open the envelope, pull out the piece of paper and start to read.
Dear Jess,
No one prepares you for this moment, you know. You can go on all the courses and read all the baby books in the world, but nothing prepares you for holding your baby for the first time.
And I know what you will be thinking, because it’s the same thing I felt when I first held you. The same thing all mothers think when they hold t
heir baby for the first time. But you will cope, Jess. And you will know what to do. Not because you have read books or listened to what other people have told you, but simply because it’s your baby and you will know instinctively what to do. And there may be people around you who tell you otherwise, who try to get you to do things differently. Maybe if I was still around, I would be one of them. But you don’t need to listen to them, Jess. You just need to learn to trust yourself. It won’t happen at first because you’ll be so anxious, but gradually that will lessen and you will start to trust your own judgement.
And I tell you why you will always be right, Jess. Because you love that baby more than anyone else in the world. You’re its mum and you’ll fight for it the same way I fought for you. All you have to do is love it, Jess. It’s as easy as that. And please give your baby a kiss from Grandma and tell my grandchild every day that, although I’ll never meet them, I love them too. And I’ll be looking out for them, like I’ll always be watching over you.
Angela
Tuesday, 21 March 2017
I am waiting for Lee when he gets home from work. Sitting in the nursery, surrounded by everything I had got ready for my grandson.
‘Jeez,’ says Lee, jumping as he catches sight of me. ‘What are you doing in there?’
‘Remembering,’ I say. ‘Remembering when you were born.’
‘Where’s Jess?’ he asks, putting down his briefcase and loosening his tie. ‘Is she having a nap?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘She’s not here.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘She left, Lee. She left this morning.’
He stares at me. I can see the panic in his face. ‘You’d better start making sense,’ he says.
I get to my feet. ‘She told me what happened last night, Lee. She had to tell me, because her suitcase was packed in the hall and I was screaming at her not to go.’
Lee looks down. He doesn’t say anything.
‘I tried to stop her leaving,’ I continue, surprised by how calm my voice sounds. ‘I went into the bathroom where she was having a shower and pleaded with her not to go. That’s when she told me everything. She knows, you see. Somehow she knows about Emma and the others.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ says Lee. ‘She can’t do.’
‘Well, she does. She also told me what she thought would happen if she stayed. She thought you would kill her and that I would lie in court to cover your back.’
‘Jesus Christ. She’s lost it, hasn’t she? Finally flipped her lid.’
‘No. I don’t think she has. I’ve been sitting here all day, thinking about what she said, and I can see how that would happen. I mean, we both know how things can escalate, don’t we? We know how, when a man has hit a woman once and got away with it, he is likely to do it again and again.
‘And if I covered up for all the other times you did it, I don’t see why it would be any different if you killed her. I love you, you see. You’re my son, so it’s unconditional love. I’d do anything for you. Even lie and perjure myself in court. Only I’ve realised this afternoon that it wouldn’t be real love, just a sort of blind devotion. And I did that for years, Lee, put up with everything that was thrown my way, and look where it got me.’
‘I’m not as bad as him,’ Lee says.
‘You will be if I let you carry on like this. You’ll be worse than him. That’s why it’s got to stop.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m not going to cover for you anymore, Lee. I’m not going to pretend I don’t know what’s going on. You’re going to face up to what you’ve become and I’m going to as well. You haven’t got any choice.’
His face is pale. He looks somehow smaller than he usually does. ‘I don’t understand,’ he says.
‘Jess has had the baby. She fell when I tried to stop her leaving, and then the contractions started. The paramedics came and took her to hospital. Her friend has just posted on her timeline. Said he was born this afternoon and that mum and baby are doing well.’
Lee turns and heads towards the door.
‘Where are you going?’ I ask.
‘To the hospital,’ he says. ‘To see my son.’
‘No, you’re not,’ I reply. ‘Because Jess doesn’t want you there. And if you go, I will post what you’ve done on Facebook. I’ll tell everyone what you’ve done to her and all the others.’
‘You wouldn’t dare,’ Lee snarls.
‘Not before,’ I say. ‘But I would now.’
Lee starts to come at me, his fist raised. I hold up my hand. The hand that held him as a baby. The hand that calmed him when he was crying. The hand that waved him goodbye on his first day at big school.
He stops just short of me. Puts his own hand down and turns and kicks his briefcase across the nursery. It flies into the teddy bear music box on the dresser. It plays a few notes of ‘Rock-a-bye Baby’ before it falls to the floor.
Lee does the same, sinking to his knees on the rug. Sobbing uncontrollably. I put my hand on his shoulder. My hand is stronger than his now. Because I have found a stronger love.
*
I don’t put my usual brave face on in the morning. I am not hiding behind a mask anymore. It feels strange, looking at my barefaced reflection in the mirror. My eyes seem so much smaller without the eyeliner. But although they may appear like that to others, I know that for the first time in years they are open wide.
I sent her a message on Facebook, asking if I could visit. I told her Lee would not be with me. That I would be coming alone. It was a while before she replied. I suppose she was busy with the baby. Though maybe she was simply wondering what to say.
She said yes, though. Which surprised me, to be honest. I thanked her and told her I would not stay long. I am well aware that she won’t be looking forward to it, that she would much rather be alone with her baby.
I catch the bus into town. It is always difficult to find parking at the hospital and I do not want to arrive flustered. I manage to find the transitional care unit easily enough.
I give my name to the lady on reception. She asks what relation I am to the baby.
‘Grandmother,’ I say, my voice firm and proud. A midwife swipes me through the door and takes me to her room.
‘She’s in there.’ She smiles. ‘The baby’s feeding on her at the moment. They’re both doing fine.’
I open the door and step gingerly into the room. Jess looks up. She doesn’t smile but she doesn’t scowl at me either. She has a look of pure contentment on her face. My gaze falls to the baby feeding at her breast. He is red and tiny. His little fingers are gripping her chest.
‘Congratulations,’ I say. ‘He’s gorgeous.’
‘Thank you,’ she replies. Then her face drops. ‘Does Lee know?’
I nod. ‘I told him last night,’ I say. ‘After I’d seen your friend’s post on Facebook.’
She frowns at me. ‘So why didn’t he come?’
‘I told him not to.’
Her frown deepens.
‘I told him a lot of other things, too. Things I should have told him a long time ago. He won’t be bothering you, Jess. I’ve told him he needs to get some help before he comes anywhere near either of you.’
She starts crying.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, sitting down next to the bed. ‘Sorry for everything I didn’t say and didn’t do. I didn’t think I had the courage to stand up to him, you see. All the years my husband beat me and I put up with it, I thought it was because I was weak.’
Jess shakes her head. ‘You loved him,’ she says quietly.
‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘Yes, I did.’
‘It blinds you, doesn’t it?’
I nod, wipe a tear from my own eye. ‘And when he started doing it, when the girls he brought home ended up looking the same way I did, by the end, I didn’t want to believ
e it. I couldn’t bear to think that he was going the same way.’
‘So what changed?’
‘You,’ I say. ‘You changed him and you changed me.’
‘He still hit me.’
‘Yes, but he hated himself for it. And I got my strength from you. God, I wish I’d had half of your strength at your age.’
We fall silent for a moment, listening to the sound of the baby feeding.
‘Will he change? Can he?’
‘I don’t know,’ I reply. ‘All I know is that he can’t go on as he is.’
She looks down at the baby as he stops feeding. His eyes are shut. She pulls him closer to her.
‘The midwife said he was doing fine,’ I say.
‘Yeah, he is. He was lucky. We both were.’
‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.’
‘It’s OK,’ she says. I know it isn’t though. Know that I can never take away what happened.
‘Anyway,’ I say, standing up. ‘You must be tired. I’ll let you get some rest.’ She glances down at the big shopping bag in my hand.
‘Oh,’ I said. ‘I nearly forgot. These are the new clothes I got in for him. You don’t have to take them if you don’t want to.’
‘Thank you,’ she says.
I put the bag down in the corner of the room, next to the car seat, and turn back to her.
‘I didn’t put the christening robe in there,’ I say. ‘It has a blood spot on it, you see. Lee’s dad hit me when we got home from the christening. Said I should have been able to stop him crying in church. I was still holding him, in his gown, when he did it.’
She looks down and fiddles with the blanket around the baby.
‘Do you want to hold your grandson?’
I look at her. I hadn’t dared to ask. ‘Thank you,’ I say.
I go and stand next to her and she passes him over, this precious bundle of hope. I gaze at him and bite my lip as the tears fall. Because I love him so much. And because I so nearly lost him.
Jess Mount
11 July 2017 at 8:33pm
I wasn’t supposed to see this day. It doesn’t matter why or how now, but I wasn’t supposed to be here. But I am, which is why I want to thank you all today, for being there for me when I needed you, even if you didn’t realise it at the time.